I am brand new here and just read a few random posts to see what the concerns of the parents here. From that very brief observation I think my daughter's behavior and issues are not as severe as some of those I see here but nevertheless I feel confused, conflicted, angry, disappointed, anxious and frustrated over my daughter and her situation. By the way, what is difficult child? To be brief; my daughter is going on 24 and has a complex history. I adopted her at age 7 and did the best I could. She needed and got years of therapy, private special education and as much extracurricular activities as we could fit with her therapy etc. Jumping ahead a few years, once she discovered boys she latched onto romantic relationships to the exclusion of everything else. She was always an indifferent student so getting her to graduate from HS took a huge effort. She got engaged at age 19. Two years later that relationship fell apart and she landed in a locked psychiatric unit under a 72 hr. hold. Once out, she discovered a new set of friends who introduced her to drugs. She went thru 5 different rehab attempts, the last one ended about 18 mos. ago. She has a new fiance' she lives with in a house with several other people. When she was in treatment I paid everything. When she got out of inpatient rehab she went into a sober living house. I told her I would continue to pay for that but if she left to live with the boyfriend, I would not pay. She went back to smoking pot and living with boyfriend so I stopped direct financial assistance. That was about 18 mos. ago. I pay for psychiatrist, medications and phone and for things like Christmas and Birthday presents or an occasional trip to the grocery. She is not working but does get foodstamps.
Right now, I don't know how much pot she is smoking. I doubt she is doing anything stronger right now but she is on a cocktail of psychiatric medications.
Here is my dilemma: I live out of state and I want to have some regular communication with her. The thing is, I can call/text 4 or 5 times over 4 to 7 days and she will not return my calls/texts. She does call when she needs something like her medications. Sometimes I get lucky and she picks up when I call but mostly not. I chide her gently about this and she says she will do better but nothing changes. Having a relationship with her is challenging but I want to keep lines open but I feel demeaned when she does not return phone calls and of course I become anxious and frustrated. I considered turning off her phone but I think I am the one who would feel that most. She is somewhat isolated where she is. Other than the boyfriend, she has no friends and it feels like she is sinking into an ever deepening pit and sliding away from me. Perhaps, our attachment to each other is impaired by her early childhood and adoption. But she needs someone and someday she could land back in the hospital and will need support then. I have been considering paying her to call me. Say $10 a call with a max of 5 per week. She would get some cash and maybe we could slowly improve on our relationship. I know paying your kid to stay in touch is unconventional but I really don't know what else to do. I am trying to wrap my brain around this idea and see if there are some unforseen consequences. I would have to accept that when she calls it is not because of any attachment to me but for the money. But I hope that over time that could improve. Opinions anyone?
Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/should-i-pay-53061/#ixzz2OBzY5BRs
Right now, I don't know how much pot she is smoking. I doubt she is doing anything stronger right now but she is on a cocktail of psychiatric medications.
Here is my dilemma: I live out of state and I want to have some regular communication with her. The thing is, I can call/text 4 or 5 times over 4 to 7 days and she will not return my calls/texts. She does call when she needs something like her medications. Sometimes I get lucky and she picks up when I call but mostly not. I chide her gently about this and she says she will do better but nothing changes. Having a relationship with her is challenging but I want to keep lines open but I feel demeaned when she does not return phone calls and of course I become anxious and frustrated. I considered turning off her phone but I think I am the one who would feel that most. She is somewhat isolated where she is. Other than the boyfriend, she has no friends and it feels like she is sinking into an ever deepening pit and sliding away from me. Perhaps, our attachment to each other is impaired by her early childhood and adoption. But she needs someone and someday she could land back in the hospital and will need support then. I have been considering paying her to call me. Say $10 a call with a max of 5 per week. She would get some cash and maybe we could slowly improve on our relationship. I know paying your kid to stay in touch is unconventional but I really don't know what else to do. I am trying to wrap my brain around this idea and see if there are some unforseen consequences. I would have to accept that when she calls it is not because of any attachment to me but for the money. But I hope that over time that could improve. Opinions anyone?
Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/should-i-pay-53061/#ixzz2OBzY5BRs
