Perfect Parenting

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by house of cards, Jan 29, 2008.

  1. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I am not perfect, I sometimes yell, loudly. I sometimes have spanked, angrily, I have said things I've regreted and only apologized sometimes. In other words I have been a less then perfect parent. Sometimes I've even gotten decent results with my less perfect moments.
    I know calm, thoughtful consequences work eventually without the negative effects of anger but I am just a human person. I try to do what I believe is best and very often I do...I actually am getting quite good at it, (need a saint icon). On the other hand I forgive my bad moments so quickly, I don't expect perfection from my difficult child and I don't expect it from me.
    Do you hold yourself to impossible standards or have you totally learned how to parent in a theraputic way always.
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont think there is such a thing as a perfect parent. If anyone says they are they are either lying or deluding themselves. We all make mistakes and have bad days. On any given day, at any given moment during that day, if someone put a camera in someones house I am sure things could be caught that would be less than stellar.

    I think I have learned to be a better parent as I have gotten older and do a better job with my grandchild than I did with my kids. Its all a learning experience. Of course, my therapist says my grandchild is a completely different child than my kids were and accepts direction without defiance so that helps too...lol.
     
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Well, my head holds me to impossible standards, that much I know ;)

    I have had my dark days as a parent and been less than effective when my anger and frustration won out over calm and reason. But that was many unmedicated years ago! I think I'm doing pretty darn good these days, and things are getting even better now that husband is pulling more parental weight and managing his own temper better since starting medications, so I don't feel like I'm the bad guy/sole disciplinarian all the time. I know that when I feel overwhelmed, my coping skills break down and I become very reactive to the kids' behavior, which is NOT helpful.

    husband attended his first parenting seminar earlier this month. FIRST! Our oldest is 13.5 years old!!! It's nice to finally see some consistency with him and how he deals with the kids' behavior issues. As a result, we're getting better cooperation from the difficult child's and a happier family overall.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No, I don't expect myself to be perfect, and I make mistakes a lot. One thing I never do is lose it and hit, which I'm proud of. I have lost it and yelled and have had bad days. I try very hard not to do this, but once in a great while I have called my kids names for which I always apologize. Nobody's perfect and I think our kids understand this. However, I think that if we know we've gone over-the-top we owe our children an apology. I think they respect us more if we own up to our own mistakes.
    PS--I'm not a big fan of therapeutic methods and dislike psychobabble so I'd never aspire to parent like that!!!
    JMO
     
  5. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I spent many a day imagining shaking my difficult child until his teeth rattled. I dreamed of walking away and leaving him motherless. I imagined how good it would feel to say a lot of terrible things with a lot of swearing.
    I just didn't do it. The difference between an abusive parent and a decent parent is that we simply don't do what we feel like we would like to do.
    Perfection doesn't exist. I don't even aim for that level. I just hope I'm doing right by the boys and can be somewhat an example.
     
  6. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I realize people have differing views of spanking and I don't want a debate on that if possible. I will say I believe most of the difficult child's we are trying to raise do best with calm tones and no spanking, but my post wasn't about abuse...at least I didn't think so, just less then perfect or less then ideal parenting.
    I wanted to say that for me I find it easier to hit my ideals when I gave myself a break and stopped stressing myself with trying to be perfect. That was when I freed myself to just look at what worked best. Even in the mist of my deepest frustration I am looking for a solution or improvement, therefore when I lost it I didn't see improvement...I went backwards. Knowing that has made it easier for me to walk away or talk calm when I am anything but calm, it works, it just simply works the best. With that said, I still am not 100% but I'm doing OK. I've read posts were people have expressed their frustration and wanted to show a different way of looking at things that might help them find a way to stay calm in the hard times. It really helped me to let go of never doing it less then perfect.
     
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am a totally perfect parent. Calm, inner peace. Always have the right answer for every situation...
    Oh, Ok maybe me not eating anything today has gone to my head? Ya' think?
    Just a few minute ago... little ol' me, so calm, working on my patience... for all these years. Who has been racing to the toilet, (sorry) all last night and today, and I feel like I have been hit by a truck.
    Well I have been whining to the girls to please stop kicking each other... in my pitiful pained voice... please stop. WHINE...
    husband is outside plowing all 3 of our's and neighbors houses, because yet again we are in the middle of a weather alert... another 16 inches on top of 5 feet!!!

    So the phone rings... it is one of N's classmates Mommies asking something about school... I hurt just getting up, feel like I should have a pair of depends on, again sorry!!!
    The girls start screaming!!! Louder, the dog is amping with them, I give the SHHH! Sign... nothing. The LOOK!!! Nothing... I can't leave the room, phone won't go out of room.
    It gets louder... they are throwing pillows at the dog now while screaming and jumping...
    I am barely able to hear anything. I am giving them every sign I can to ZIP IT!!! They completely ignore me...
    I finally get off the phone, stomach is turning, I am burning up, aching. I just lose it on them!!!
    Not a pretty moment in Totoro history. We have had this talk SO many times. They had to sit quietly for a few moments not touching each other and think...
    Just prior to that they were whining about how they never get anything special.
    So this was their thinking time.
    But I can't feel to bad... I do so much for them. But if a camera only caught that one instense it would have looked bad.

    I try to walk away, I try to take deep breathes and give myself a time out. I tell k that. I will say. You are making Mommy upset so i am walking away so I don't get mad... Or you are making Mommy sad right now so I am going to walk away for a minute... things like that. It does help us.
     
  8. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    house of cards, I wasn't referring to you in regards to abusive. I always thought the difference between me and an abusive parent is that I didn't do it. Doesn't mean I didn't feel like it. I used it as an example at my less than perfect parenting skills. My son's have had spanks when they were little.
    I'm sorry if it came across that I was referring to you as abusive.
    I sure don't have any answers on how to survive parenting.
     
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