Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Personal Growth Stuff Thread
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620604" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It is not our attachment to the glorious nice guy personality that keeps those of us raised as we were stuck in that place where who we "really" are doesn't feel like enough, Recovering. </p><p></p><p>That is who we were taught we were. Not enough in ourselves. Our abusers had to break us to get the response they needed to feed their own emptiness. That is what it tastes like. You are right where you need to be, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>That is the nature of the abuser's valance.</p><p></p><p>That feeling that we are not the people we wish we were, that feeling that anything good or right that we do is done to cover and contain that horrible darkness that surely lives at the heart of us, those feelings, that certain knowledge of "not enough"...that is the spoor of the abuser. </p><p></p><p>We need to track it down and confront it.</p><p></p><p>And that is what you are doing and, shaky as I am, I am strong enough to hold for you through this.</p><p></p><p>We will get where we are determined to go, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Children who pattern themselves on parents or caretakers (or even, a teacher) they respect and can cherish don't have that broken place where they have decided never to be like the parent or caretaker.</p><p></p><p>We do.</p><p></p><p>It was our own little brand of defiance, that decision to protect, to take joy in generous giving, to feel so happy, so safe, when things are going well. The problem with all that wonderfulness comes in because we don't let ourselves believe the bad things cannot be changed if only we try harder. Our boundaries have been eradicated routinely, and we no longer know the difference between something we can, indeed, make better and something dangerous to us.</p><p></p><p>And that gets us into all kinds of trouble, as we keep trying to prove to ourselves that the abuser was wrong, that the world is <u>or can become</u> a good, kind place.</p><p></p><p>Because we haven't gone back and addressed the abuser's inappropriate definitions of self that are still as poisonous as they were the day they were laid down, we are prime candidates for abusive relationships in our friendships, our marriages, our employment situations...and with our children.</p><p></p><p>We keep trying to prove the world can get better. The truth is that it can, but that we cannot believe it better for someone else. </p><p></p><p>We have committed no sin, Recovering. We are healing now because it is time. Everything points to that. There is nothing we need to do but what we do routinely. Kind, happy, generous, angry and out of sorts, crying our eyes out, we are doing what we have decided to do.</p><p></p><p>GOOD FOR US.</p><p></p><p>It isn't easy. Here is the thing: When we suspected the who we created of our shattered selves needed to be changed, we just leaped right in, battling old demons with teeth like needles <u>and we are booting them the h*** out, Recovering.</u></p><p></p><p>Or loving them out, I am not sure which.</p><p></p><p>I suspect it is that white light, that powerful thing depicted in the last picture you sent.</p><p></p><p>So, that would, hokey as it sounds to say it, be the power of love. Not that mushy kind, but the other kind.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing in you to be ashamed of. You are a being of light and mercy in a world which can be as bright as you believe it can be. For the past few months, since shortly after daughter's beating, do you know what I did to counter that feeling of evil? I tied a knot, Recovering. I did a positive thing. Small knots, little everyday things to make my little portion of the world a better, saner place. None of these things were big things. The world works at the cellular level. I take care of feeding the feral cats someone else began feeding, and yet another someone raised money to pay a vet (who spays and neuters feral cats for her at cost) and yet someone else contacted me to take that over so the man who took the cats in the first place could take periodic trips to his home in another state. </p><p></p><p>Each of us doing just a little something, tying just a little knot, and yet, for those cats, for the man who took them in out of agitated pity and fell in love with them over time, the world is a way better place.</p><p></p><p>Am I enabling, Recovering...or changing the world?</p><p></p><p>Does it matter? </p><p></p><p>Or is it the only thing that matters?</p><p></p><p>We are not bad to be the way we are, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>You are so beautiful that you cannot see yourself, cannot see your effect on the world at the cellular level. As surely as our abusers changed the world, made darker ripples in it (and for all we know, they abused us less than they were themselves hurt), we made the decision to try to are making things better.</p><p></p><p>That is who we are. That is the choice we made. That is what we do. </p><p></p><p>There is no harm in wanting to be generous, in feeling so happy to think about a granddaughter having all the things that will make her happy. But even there Recovering, you tied a knot when you saw that, happy as it might make you to do these things, Granddaughter needs a stricter hand, right now. It is a rough ride, especially given the flesh stripping pain of your own lost daughter. </p><p></p><p>We so shy away from anything that smacks of abuse that we go too far the other direction. We do it knowingly, proving we are not our abusers, not who they taught us we were.</p><p></p><p>We do the best we know, Recovering. We are not rigid, not locked in. It is a practice.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>**************</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Wow.</p><p></p><p>Hi, Child of Mine. I am so glad you are here with us.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620604, member: 17461"] It is not our attachment to the glorious nice guy personality that keeps those of us raised as we were stuck in that place where who we "really" are doesn't feel like enough, Recovering. That is who we were taught we were. Not enough in ourselves. Our abusers had to break us to get the response they needed to feed their own emptiness. That is what it tastes like. You are right where you need to be, Recovering. That is the nature of the abuser's valance. That feeling that we are not the people we wish we were, that feeling that anything good or right that we do is done to cover and contain that horrible darkness that surely lives at the heart of us, those feelings, that certain knowledge of "not enough"...that is the spoor of the abuser. We need to track it down and confront it. And that is what you are doing and, shaky as I am, I am strong enough to hold for you through this. We will get where we are determined to go, Recovering. Children who pattern themselves on parents or caretakers (or even, a teacher) they respect and can cherish don't have that broken place where they have decided never to be like the parent or caretaker. We do. It was our own little brand of defiance, that decision to protect, to take joy in generous giving, to feel so happy, so safe, when things are going well. The problem with all that wonderfulness comes in because we don't let ourselves believe the bad things cannot be changed if only we try harder. Our boundaries have been eradicated routinely, and we no longer know the difference between something we can, indeed, make better and something dangerous to us. And that gets us into all kinds of trouble, as we keep trying to prove to ourselves that the abuser was wrong, that the world is [U]or can become[/U] a good, kind place. Because we haven't gone back and addressed the abuser's inappropriate definitions of self that are still as poisonous as they were the day they were laid down, we are prime candidates for abusive relationships in our friendships, our marriages, our employment situations...and with our children. We keep trying to prove the world can get better. The truth is that it can, but that we cannot believe it better for someone else. We have committed no sin, Recovering. We are healing now because it is time. Everything points to that. There is nothing we need to do but what we do routinely. Kind, happy, generous, angry and out of sorts, crying our eyes out, we are doing what we have decided to do. GOOD FOR US. It isn't easy. Here is the thing: When we suspected the who we created of our shattered selves needed to be changed, we just leaped right in, battling old demons with teeth like needles [U]and we are booting them the h*** out, Recovering.[/U] Or loving them out, I am not sure which. I suspect it is that white light, that powerful thing depicted in the last picture you sent. So, that would, hokey as it sounds to say it, be the power of love. Not that mushy kind, but the other kind. There is nothing in you to be ashamed of. You are a being of light and mercy in a world which can be as bright as you believe it can be. For the past few months, since shortly after daughter's beating, do you know what I did to counter that feeling of evil? I tied a knot, Recovering. I did a positive thing. Small knots, little everyday things to make my little portion of the world a better, saner place. None of these things were big things. The world works at the cellular level. I take care of feeding the feral cats someone else began feeding, and yet another someone raised money to pay a vet (who spays and neuters feral cats for her at cost) and yet someone else contacted me to take that over so the man who took the cats in the first place could take periodic trips to his home in another state. Each of us doing just a little something, tying just a little knot, and yet, for those cats, for the man who took them in out of agitated pity and fell in love with them over time, the world is a way better place. Am I enabling, Recovering...or changing the world? Does it matter? Or is it the only thing that matters? We are not bad to be the way we are, Recovering. You are so beautiful that you cannot see yourself, cannot see your effect on the world at the cellular level. As surely as our abusers changed the world, made darker ripples in it (and for all we know, they abused us less than they were themselves hurt), we made the decision to try to are making things better. That is who we are. That is the choice we made. That is what we do. There is no harm in wanting to be generous, in feeling so happy to think about a granddaughter having all the things that will make her happy. But even there Recovering, you tied a knot when you saw that, happy as it might make you to do these things, Granddaughter needs a stricter hand, right now. It is a rough ride, especially given the flesh stripping pain of your own lost daughter. We so shy away from anything that smacks of abuse that we go too far the other direction. We do it knowingly, proving we are not our abusers, not who they taught us we were. We do the best we know, Recovering. We are not rigid, not locked in. It is a practice. :O) ************** Wow. Hi, Child of Mine. I am so glad you are here with us. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Personal Growth Stuff Thread
Top