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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620693" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>True. Perception, how we see what we see, determines what is real for us. It is very scary to risk thinking in a different way. It feels wrong...in fact, that is where the feeling of fraudulence lives. In challenging the abuser's interpretation of who and how we were.</p><p></p><p>So, that feeling of fraudulence is a good thing, then. A feeling which should be tracked down and reworked, freeing the child made to suffer ~ and who knows how many generations of children were made to suffer that same condemnation since the injury first occurred and began to be passed down ~ beneath a judgment that was an error to begin with. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't seem that there is anything I have to do but acknowledge the feelings. Which is impossibly hard not to do, since the buggers are overwhelming.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I like what you posted about setting up an intention to be kind to myself, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>*****************</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I do too, Recovering. Even worse, I always wanted to ~ I mean I meant to and I did it ~ give the best, the most, the whatever. It is the same feeling beneath the ratings on the posts thing. Like gluttony and starvation, in a way. There was pleasure in the giving <u>but it was my pleasure, and it could be destroyed by a nicer gift given by someone else. </u></p><p></p><p>In fact, the nicer gifts, whether I received them or someone else who had also received a gift from me received them, could and did toss me right into starvation mode.</p><p></p><p>Oh Lord, I don't think I can take anymore of this!</p><p></p><p>Just kidding. I am sure all that stuff was perfectly obvious to everyone but me. It usually is.</p><p></p><p>Color me pink with embarrassment, again.</p><p></p><p>I will say this for myself. I always did start out with the right motive and intent. It just never felt like enough, and then, it had to be more. And that was never enough either, and pretty soon, I was lost in it, chased by it, exhausted by it.</p><p></p><p>I've told this story before, but for anyone who hasn't heard it, this is how I dealt with that feeling without even realizing, until this minute, that the comfort I felt had to do with the gluttony/starvation continuum.</p><p></p><p>Maybe this is true for all the deadly sins? Are there seven or ten? Sloth, gluttony, coveting.</p><p></p><p>I know darn well there are more than three.</p><p></p><p>Here is the story. This is true. So, you can imagine how exhausting anything involving gift giving (or getting) got to be for me. Taking Christmas as an example, then: At the end of the day, after everyone was asleep and the house was back in order, I would have fresh coffee in a beautiful, bone china cup that had belonged to my mother's mother. In that way, I would touch base with something real, something so calming and comforting. Each time that whole ordeal of gifting and holiday cookies and dinners and parties came around, I would find it so calming to know I would make that coffee for myself in that cup which had belonged to my grandmother.</p><p></p><p>It was a gift.</p><p></p><p>And, viewed in this light, an everyday miracle, of which there are so many.</p><p></p><p>So, so many.</p><p></p><p>As each of us, here on the site, understands.</p><p></p><p>*********************</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You have such an easy way of telling profoundly true things, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>I just hope that crying in public part is over for me. That so sucked.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620693, member: 17461"] True. Perception, how we see what we see, determines what is real for us. It is very scary to risk thinking in a different way. It feels wrong...in fact, that is where the feeling of fraudulence lives. In challenging the abuser's interpretation of who and how we were. So, that feeling of fraudulence is a good thing, then. A feeling which should be tracked down and reworked, freeing the child made to suffer ~ and who knows how many generations of children were made to suffer that same condemnation since the injury first occurred and began to be passed down ~ beneath a judgment that was an error to begin with. It doesn't seem that there is anything I have to do but acknowledge the feelings. Which is impossibly hard not to do, since the buggers are overwhelming. :O) I like what you posted about setting up an intention to be kind to myself, Recovering. ***************** I do too, Recovering. Even worse, I always wanted to ~ I mean I meant to and I did it ~ give the best, the most, the whatever. It is the same feeling beneath the ratings on the posts thing. Like gluttony and starvation, in a way. There was pleasure in the giving [U]but it was my pleasure, and it could be destroyed by a nicer gift given by someone else. [/U] In fact, the nicer gifts, whether I received them or someone else who had also received a gift from me received them, could and did toss me right into starvation mode. Oh Lord, I don't think I can take anymore of this! Just kidding. I am sure all that stuff was perfectly obvious to everyone but me. It usually is. Color me pink with embarrassment, again. I will say this for myself. I always did start out with the right motive and intent. It just never felt like enough, and then, it had to be more. And that was never enough either, and pretty soon, I was lost in it, chased by it, exhausted by it. I've told this story before, but for anyone who hasn't heard it, this is how I dealt with that feeling without even realizing, until this minute, that the comfort I felt had to do with the gluttony/starvation continuum. Maybe this is true for all the deadly sins? Are there seven or ten? Sloth, gluttony, coveting. I know darn well there are more than three. Here is the story. This is true. So, you can imagine how exhausting anything involving gift giving (or getting) got to be for me. Taking Christmas as an example, then: At the end of the day, after everyone was asleep and the house was back in order, I would have fresh coffee in a beautiful, bone china cup that had belonged to my mother's mother. In that way, I would touch base with something real, something so calming and comforting. Each time that whole ordeal of gifting and holiday cookies and dinners and parties came around, I would find it so calming to know I would make that coffee for myself in that cup which had belonged to my grandmother. It was a gift. And, viewed in this light, an everyday miracle, of which there are so many. So, so many. As each of us, here on the site, understands. ********************* You have such an easy way of telling profoundly true things, Recovering. I just hope that crying in public part is over for me. That so sucked. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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