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petrified for 23yo son..
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 677061" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Rebelson, welcome to the forum, you have come to a soft place to land. It is a hard battle we are in, first when our kids become troubled and dabble with drugs in their teens, and stay on that road. It becomes a continuing downward spiral, many of us have spiraled right along with our d cs with the sheer frustration and anxiety of it all. Really, we would just like our children to live well. It doesn't always pan out that way. It is hard.</p><p> This is true, I am glad your husband understands this. It is true. At 23, your son is an adult, and will do what he wants to. We have no control over our d cs choices. Watching them take this journey is hard on us. I am sorry for the heartache of it.</p><p> This shows that your son does have the capability, he needs to figure that out, and realize that there are consequences for his actions, and want something better for himself. This may take awhile. I have read that most young folks brains do not reach full maturity until around 27 or so.</p><p> I have found a similar story with my two. They do not want to hear it from us. So you know what? I decided not to offer up the information, to keep conversations short. It all falls on deaf ears. There is really nothing we can tell them that they do not know already.</p><p> As far as our d cs blaming us for all of their problems, this seems to be a universal code for addicts. I am not perfect, and made many mistakes in parenting, everyone does. Do not fall into the guilt trap Rebelson, it does no good. It is a way these d cs yank at our hearts, to keep us in the pit of despair. You know why? Because when we are down there, we cannot keep our heads on straight. We cannot be strong, think clearly. Our d cs are off the rails, making stupid choices, with nary a care, meanwhile back at the home front, WE hold all of the worry, and stress.</p><p> Truthfully, what you want for your son is something he has to champion for himself. I have been there, in the pit, many a time. It got to the point where I said to myself "What are you doing?" Trying and trying to fix someone, who did not want to be fixed.</p><p>It doesn't work.</p><p> Prayer is good, it is how I was able to let go of my two, and my grands. God is powerful, can work miracles. I prayed, "God, please take these two, and my grands, under your wings and look after them, the job is too much for me." Each time I felt myself falling back into the pit, I repeated that. If I have faith, then I have got to believe that He will look after them. Sometimes, just a short quick prayer, helps me to stop the thought process that you are going through right now.</p><p></p><p>So, letting go, and letting God, is one way.</p><p>Alanon, naranon, therapy, are other ways. There is a good article in the PE forum on detachment</p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a></p><p></p><p>I read it over and again to reinforce my commitment to step aside, and unwind the entanglement my relationship with my two had become. It was not healthy for them, or for me.</p><p>I had to work on my own self worth. I had fallen into a trap of disrespect with my two. They were not behaving lovingly, to themselves or me. I didn't do enough to stop it. This creates more and more disrespect, and wears us down to a frazzle. It is unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>Changing focus is important. We become so focused on what these d cs are doing, what may happen, how are they living, etc., etc. It is a never ending cycle of worry. This is not good for our health.</p><p></p><p>All of this takes time, and a new way of looking at things. You have value, you matter.</p><p></p><p>One thing that<em> really helped me</em>, was to understand that actions speak louder than words.</p><p>So, by my taking good care of myself, my health, and living life to the fullest, I was showing my two, how to do the same.</p><p>This means, instead of spending time being petrified, full of anxiety, I had to flip the switch, and get out there, and live. I look at it as due my adult children, <em>that I show them by my example, how to have self respect.</em></p><p></p><p>Now, Rebelson, this will take a commitment from you to work at it. Start with something small. Make a list. I read an article about changing habits and thought patterns, lists are good, because we are writing things down. It is a way to retrain our brains. This is what we need to do, our brains have been trained to be in the pit of despair, to act on the crazy emotional cycling we go through along with our d cs drug use. We need to retrain our brains. We need to understand that feelings are just that, feelings.</p><p></p><p>Breath and slow, way down. Take time to meditate. Read.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting here, that was really helpful to me, and it still is. As I post, I am sharing my story, and remembering what I am working towards. So, you have helped me already, by posting here. There is nothing you can post that the folks here haven't already seen, or been there, done that. There is no right or wrong, no judgement. Just kind, caring folks who have walked similar paths, and want to help one another.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone, Rebelson. Feel what you have to feel, get it out of your system. </p><p>Then start to make your way, out of the pit.</p><p>You can do this, there are plenty of folks here, who care deeply and will help as best they can.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 677061, member: 19522"] Hi Rebelson, welcome to the forum, you have come to a soft place to land. It is a hard battle we are in, first when our kids become troubled and dabble with drugs in their teens, and stay on that road. It becomes a continuing downward spiral, many of us have spiraled right along with our d cs with the sheer frustration and anxiety of it all. Really, we would just like our children to live well. It doesn't always pan out that way. It is hard. This is true, I am glad your husband understands this. It is true. At 23, your son is an adult, and will do what he wants to. We have no control over our d cs choices. Watching them take this journey is hard on us. I am sorry for the heartache of it. This shows that your son does have the capability, he needs to figure that out, and realize that there are consequences for his actions, and want something better for himself. This may take awhile. I have read that most young folks brains do not reach full maturity until around 27 or so. I have found a similar story with my two. They do not want to hear it from us. So you know what? I decided not to offer up the information, to keep conversations short. It all falls on deaf ears. There is really nothing we can tell them that they do not know already. As far as our d cs blaming us for all of their problems, this seems to be a universal code for addicts. I am not perfect, and made many mistakes in parenting, everyone does. Do not fall into the guilt trap Rebelson, it does no good. It is a way these d cs yank at our hearts, to keep us in the pit of despair. You know why? Because when we are down there, we cannot keep our heads on straight. We cannot be strong, think clearly. Our d cs are off the rails, making stupid choices, with nary a care, meanwhile back at the home front, WE hold all of the worry, and stress. Truthfully, what you want for your son is something he has to champion for himself. I have been there, in the pit, many a time. It got to the point where I said to myself "What are you doing?" Trying and trying to fix someone, who did not want to be fixed. It doesn't work. Prayer is good, it is how I was able to let go of my two, and my grands. God is powerful, can work miracles. I prayed, "God, please take these two, and my grands, under your wings and look after them, the job is too much for me." Each time I felt myself falling back into the pit, I repeated that. If I have faith, then I have got to believe that He will look after them. Sometimes, just a short quick prayer, helps me to stop the thought process that you are going through right now. So, letting go, and letting God, is one way. Alanon, naranon, therapy, are other ways. There is a good article in the PE forum on detachment [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] I read it over and again to reinforce my commitment to step aside, and unwind the entanglement my relationship with my two had become. It was not healthy for them, or for me. I had to work on my own self worth. I had fallen into a trap of disrespect with my two. They were not behaving lovingly, to themselves or me. I didn't do enough to stop it. This creates more and more disrespect, and wears us down to a frazzle. It is unacceptable. Changing focus is important. We become so focused on what these d cs are doing, what may happen, how are they living, etc., etc. It is a never ending cycle of worry. This is not good for our health. All of this takes time, and a new way of looking at things. You have value, you matter. One thing that[I] really helped me[/I], was to understand that actions speak louder than words. So, by my taking good care of myself, my health, and living life to the fullest, I was showing my two, how to do the same. This means, instead of spending time being petrified, full of anxiety, I had to flip the switch, and get out there, and live. I look at it as due my adult children, [I]that I show them by my example, how to have self respect.[/I] Now, Rebelson, this will take a commitment from you to work at it. Start with something small. Make a list. I read an article about changing habits and thought patterns, lists are good, because we are writing things down. It is a way to retrain our brains. This is what we need to do, our brains have been trained to be in the pit of despair, to act on the crazy emotional cycling we go through along with our d cs drug use. We need to retrain our brains. We need to understand that feelings are just that, feelings. Breath and slow, way down. Take time to meditate. Read. Keep posting here, that was really helpful to me, and it still is. As I post, I am sharing my story, and remembering what I am working towards. So, you have helped me already, by posting here. There is nothing you can post that the folks here haven't already seen, or been there, done that. There is no right or wrong, no judgement. Just kind, caring folks who have walked similar paths, and want to help one another. You are not alone, Rebelson. Feel what you have to feel, get it out of your system. Then start to make your way, out of the pit. You can do this, there are plenty of folks here, who care deeply and will help as best they can. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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