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petrified for 23yo son..
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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 677152" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>Update: my son called me yesterday around 4:15pm. I saw his name on phone caller ID and said to myself, "I bet he's coming off of his binge...it's about that time." Yep. Sure enough. He was lucid and talking clearly and actually was on chipper side, as he usually is after the storm is over. I'm starting to see a pattern, especially since he's out on his own past 6 months. Stressor happens, usually a job firing-which it seems he takes as rejection and then he flips, goes on drinking binge for 1-3 days and back to status quo. His call was to ask me for some food $. But, first, he updated me his current just ending recent binge, status of chinese food delivery job, new job prospect, $ situation, rent, etc. As I said, he sounded pretty upbeat and here's some of what he said: "chinese lady boss called him & wants him to stay working there, but might not get as many hours...his homeowner called him one night while he was in bar drinking and told him to 'come home...I don't want you out by yourself, drinking'......how he had to pay his homeowner another week of rent as he had been behind (I did not know that, according to what he told me after Christmas, he was paid up until 3rd week Jan.).....told me how crazy the binges are "can you believe I was clean for 2wks & I've just come off my 3rd time relapsing in 2 mos! I couldn't handle the chinese lady boss telling me she was going to give her relative from China, some of my hours...I was SOOOOO loyal to her!".........somehow his father came up and he told me that his GM has ruined his dad by enabling him for so long (I was shocked that he admitted this to me!)...and called his dad a loser.....told me how he ran into an old HS friend who happens to be mgr of a bar/restaurant in town & the guy said he'd give son a busboy job.....told me he wants to get out of delivering food as it takes a toll on his car</p><p>(I mentioned this to him a month ago, seems like he listened)...told me he was getting ready to go to work and he needed $50 for food, asked if I could help him." <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/unsure.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":unsure:" title="unsure :unsure:" data-shortname=":unsure:" /></p><p></p><p>What I told him basically was: "what is your plan on how to stop these binges? you cannot take job losses, etc. so personally, it is a business, you work there for $ for your life, they want to make $, bosses do what they have to do for their business....you CANNOT keep going on these 3 day long drinking binges, you are going to be sorry one of these times!....what you need to do is be proactive in trying to figure out why you react so strongly to certain stressors, so that you can stop the madness....you will never advance in life because when you go forward, the binges bring you right back to square 1-->sometimes worse....I think you need to go back to AA and immediately get a sponsor!....you are not strong enough, to do this on your own.....you have pot, etoh, etc. in your system and when you get sober, the drugs remain in your system for months, you're not your self......you say CRAZY things when you're drunk, believe me! I am the one whom you call!.....it's very concerning......you have self-defeating behavior....you must stop, do what you have to do...."</p><p></p><p>After I told him about how crazy things come out of his mouth during binges...he was like 'I know! and I also did some crazy stuff! I beat someone up, had sex with-women....' <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/groooansmileyf.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":groan:" title="groan :groan:" data-shortname=":groan:" /><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/slap.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":slap:" title="slap :slap:" data-shortname=":slap:" /> I couldn't bring myself to ask what he meant!</p><p></p><p>I am on here for support, advice, help. I am going to be honest in everything I write. Don't want to waste y'alls time & mine. Yes, I gave him $. Not the $50 he asked for, but half that. When I said "I will transfer over $25...." there was a pause on his end. He ended up saying "ok, thanks, hurry cuz I have to be at work soon." Doing that, decrease in amt he wanted, was sort of big for me. On Monday, I mailed him 3 gift cards. One for Publix (grocery store), one for Walmart, one for Subway. I said to him, 'are you at home? because in your mail, should be gift cards for food....' He said 'no, I am not.' So, I gave him some $ for food. He got off phone and I was so much relieved that he was 'back to normal'! I had an immediate lift off my shoulders and went about my evening. No call further from him and after the $ transfer, he texted me "allgood". I turned my phone off when went to bed...and luckily so. Because at 1:57am, he texted me THIS: <em>"I don't understand how your son is living on his own paying rent for the past 6 months independently living and you can't give me a monthly contribution".</em> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/wince.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":wince:" title="wince :wince:" data-shortname=":wince:" /> What he was referring to, was back last fall, after he got kicked out, he asked me and I agreed that I would contribute around $25/wk to him to help him out. I told him that "I would try hard as I could, but couldn't promise every week'. Well, back then he was having UBER car troubles. He needs his car for his delivery job for paying his rent and so on. SO, I ended up helping him A LOT with car repairs. Obviously, I did not keep up my end of the $25/wk thing as I paying way more than that to auto shop for car! FINALLY, he just recently got rid of that car! His GM's friend then sold him her's, which is very reliable and in good shape. Pfewf. So, yeah, I have not rushed back to give him the weekly $...and he's reminding me in that text.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to address this situation right now. Or, what to say to that. I have not anwered that middle-of-the-night text. If he were not having these binges every few wks, then yeah, maybe I'd be more eager to help him. But, I don't trust him right now with $. Sometimes, I swear, when he's asked me for $, & I've obliged, curiously, he goes to a bar that night-I find out the next day.</p><p></p><p>I want to email him a reply. Any help on what to say to that text? I guess I need to relay a message along the lines as: 'I will not help you with $ as long as you are using.'</p><p></p><p>Please don't be too harsh on me. I am in the baby step phase. I am so weak-kneed where he's concerned. I'm smartening up cuz I love him and don't want to enable him, but it's not super easy. I'm trying.....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 677152, member: 19966"] Update: my son called me yesterday around 4:15pm. I saw his name on phone caller ID and said to myself, "I bet he's coming off of his binge...it's about that time." Yep. Sure enough. He was lucid and talking clearly and actually was on chipper side, as he usually is after the storm is over. I'm starting to see a pattern, especially since he's out on his own past 6 months. Stressor happens, usually a job firing-which it seems he takes as rejection and then he flips, goes on drinking binge for 1-3 days and back to status quo. His call was to ask me for some food $. But, first, he updated me his current just ending recent binge, status of chinese food delivery job, new job prospect, $ situation, rent, etc. As I said, he sounded pretty upbeat and here's some of what he said: "chinese lady boss called him & wants him to stay working there, but might not get as many hours...his homeowner called him one night while he was in bar drinking and told him to 'come home...I don't want you out by yourself, drinking'......how he had to pay his homeowner another week of rent as he had been behind (I did not know that, according to what he told me after Christmas, he was paid up until 3rd week Jan.).....told me how crazy the binges are "can you believe I was clean for 2wks & I've just come off my 3rd time relapsing in 2 mos! I couldn't handle the chinese lady boss telling me she was going to give her relative from China, some of my hours...I was SOOOOO loyal to her!".........somehow his father came up and he told me that his GM has ruined his dad by enabling him for so long (I was shocked that he admitted this to me!)...and called his dad a loser.....told me how he ran into an old HS friend who happens to be mgr of a bar/restaurant in town & the guy said he'd give son a busboy job.....told me he wants to get out of delivering food as it takes a toll on his car (I mentioned this to him a month ago, seems like he listened)...told me he was getting ready to go to work and he needed $50 for food, asked if I could help him." :unsure: What I told him basically was: "what is your plan on how to stop these binges? you cannot take job losses, etc. so personally, it is a business, you work there for $ for your life, they want to make $, bosses do what they have to do for their business....you CANNOT keep going on these 3 day long drinking binges, you are going to be sorry one of these times!....what you need to do is be proactive in trying to figure out why you react so strongly to certain stressors, so that you can stop the madness....you will never advance in life because when you go forward, the binges bring you right back to square 1-->sometimes worse....I think you need to go back to AA and immediately get a sponsor!....you are not strong enough, to do this on your own.....you have pot, etoh, etc. in your system and when you get sober, the drugs remain in your system for months, you're not your self......you say CRAZY things when you're drunk, believe me! I am the one whom you call!.....it's very concerning......you have self-defeating behavior....you must stop, do what you have to do...." After I told him about how crazy things come out of his mouth during binges...he was like 'I know! and I also did some crazy stuff! I beat someone up, had sex with-women....' :groan::slap: I couldn't bring myself to ask what he meant! I am on here for support, advice, help. I am going to be honest in everything I write. Don't want to waste y'alls time & mine. Yes, I gave him $. Not the $50 he asked for, but half that. When I said "I will transfer over $25...." there was a pause on his end. He ended up saying "ok, thanks, hurry cuz I have to be at work soon." Doing that, decrease in amt he wanted, was sort of big for me. On Monday, I mailed him 3 gift cards. One for Publix (grocery store), one for Walmart, one for Subway. I said to him, 'are you at home? because in your mail, should be gift cards for food....' He said 'no, I am not.' So, I gave him some $ for food. He got off phone and I was so much relieved that he was 'back to normal'! I had an immediate lift off my shoulders and went about my evening. No call further from him and after the $ transfer, he texted me "allgood". I turned my phone off when went to bed...and luckily so. Because at 1:57am, he texted me THIS: [I]"I don't understand how your son is living on his own paying rent for the past 6 months independently living and you can't give me a monthly contribution".[/I] :wince: What he was referring to, was back last fall, after he got kicked out, he asked me and I agreed that I would contribute around $25/wk to him to help him out. I told him that "I would try hard as I could, but couldn't promise every week'. Well, back then he was having UBER car troubles. He needs his car for his delivery job for paying his rent and so on. SO, I ended up helping him A LOT with car repairs. Obviously, I did not keep up my end of the $25/wk thing as I paying way more than that to auto shop for car! FINALLY, he just recently got rid of that car! His GM's friend then sold him her's, which is very reliable and in good shape. Pfewf. So, yeah, I have not rushed back to give him the weekly $...and he's reminding me in that text. I don't know how to address this situation right now. Or, what to say to that. I have not anwered that middle-of-the-night text. If he were not having these binges every few wks, then yeah, maybe I'd be more eager to help him. But, I don't trust him right now with $. Sometimes, I swear, when he's asked me for $, & I've obliged, curiously, he goes to a bar that night-I find out the next day. I want to email him a reply. Any help on what to say to that text? I guess I need to relay a message along the lines as: 'I will not help you with $ as long as you are using.' Please don't be too harsh on me. I am in the baby step phase. I am so weak-kneed where he's concerned. I'm smartening up cuz I love him and don't want to enable him, but it's not super easy. I'm trying..... [/QUOTE]
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