Phew - just taken him 'home'.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LucyJ, Sep 17, 2014.

  1. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Well he managed 3 nights here. It's been nice to see him, but a bit mentally draining and challenging. He looked after his young sister one night and that was fine :) His views have become more extreme, I would probably describe him as an anarchist now rather than an eco-warrior. It's quite exhausting at times to be involved in discussions with someone who has extreme views, as it tends to become a one-sided lecture. I really tried to not get sucked in, although I have to say that some of what he said I found myself genuinely agreeing with. I had to laugh when he responded with "Yo mum, cool, let's go and smash up some stuff!" The trouble with anarchic views is that they may make sense on a certain level, but they don't work in the real world - hence his choice to live outside the 'real world' in a tree! He's really scruffy and still dirty even after a couple of showers, and that was difficult to tolerate in my house, especially in the kitchen. I did demand that he scrub his hands a few times and I secretly threw out a loaf of bread that he'd been handling. But, on the whole, it's been fine and it was nice to see him and I know I can go a few months now with minimal contact and not worry.
     
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  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh Lucy I am so glad that you are where you are in your own recovery today and that you are able to accept him as he is and even laugh with him.

    What a role model you are.

    I also am glad that there was no drama or anything bad about letting him babysit for his little sister.

    It is instructive to me that you love him no matter what. THIS---you---are the face of love.

    Thanks Lucy. Warm hugs for you today. Go do something really really nice for yourself. You are a hero!
     
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear it went well! It is sad that you guys cant have a more equal relationship and that his views make that almost impossible.
     
  4. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Yes dstc, I'm always left with a deep mournful sadness whenever I see him. I can never put my finger on what/where this sadness is, but it always takes a few days to fade.

    But I accept that this is my son, and that's ok.
     
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Thanks for posting update for us, Lucy.

    I am feeling happy that you were able to see and spend this time with him. Happy for him and for you.

    :0)

    I so get it, about the crazed intensity of their views! They do make perfect sense, and leave me wondering sometimes which of us is the one not thinking correctly.

    Cedar
     
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    It sounds like the visit went just about as well as it could have, Lucy. I had to laugh too when he suggested you both go out and smash some stuff, that's pretty funny. It sounds like you are both at such a nice place of real comfort and acceptance.
     
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear the visit went well. While his views getting more radical is certainly bothersome and may be even worrying, I'm glad he still seems to have sense of humour. And that his functionality hasn't dived.

    I can very much sympathise with you on having a conversation with anarchist. I had a pleasure to have a couple hour chat yesterday with two while being confined to a car. I visited my son and he asked if I would mind giving a lift for his girlfriend and couple of her friends on my way home. Taking them only cost me twenty or thirty extra miles, so I was happy to do so. difficult child's girlfriend is bit more conventional in her views on what methods one should use to change the world for better but her friends seemed to be downright, radical anarchists. And I'm sure I give an image of downright bourgeois person, so they had a lot to say to me :D All things considering, I'm really shocked they were able to stomach having to sit in car with me for that time. And being against private motoring too.
    It may have had something to do with it, that if I hadn't given them a lift, they would had needed to walk last five miles to their destination from closest bus stop, the place was so middle of nowhere. And of course pay for their ride.

    Poor difficult child's girlfriend was rather embarrassed. She may agree with her friends about many things, but I'm quite sure she didn't expect them to lay it into me while I was doing them a favour :p
     
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think that it is lovely that you could have this time with your son. I am in awe of the progress you have made in detaching with love, and in acceptance of who he has become.
     
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    When you stop and think about it, isn't it interesting that some of our adult kids believe they have the luxury of completely living out of their own belief system, no matter how anti-self-supporting it is, while at the same time asking us and others to do the things for them they should be doing for themselves?

    Lucy's son is as close to an exception as I can think of---he is fairly self-sufficient because he has reduced his own personal needs to a level that he can mostly live with.

    Mature adults, when adopting a belief system, and then living out of that system, take on the consequences of that choice.

    Sometimes I wish I could just run away and leave all of this behind, with no worries and no responsibilities.

    But, hello, that just isn't how it works.

    But they think it does, and sadly, we help perpetuate that with our "assistance", until we finally stop.
     
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