Phone calls...

[Suz]

I would just tell Cory the truth. You WON'T be visiting because you want him to take the time to get adjusted and think about his charges, not that you can't because of a made up illness. If you lie to him he will eventually find that out- not a good example when you are trying to teach him to be an honorable person.

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

I am feeling guilty now. Janets husband boss said theyshouldnt turn their back on hiim altogether. I feel like that is what my husband wants to do to our son. He said he loved him but that he wasnt going to be a part of his lifestyle anymore. I agree but if he called with a life or death situation I would have go see about it. I believe my husband has had enough and my heart just keeps on being emotional. This is hard. I dont want it to make problems for our marriage. One lady one time told me that her husband would never come before her children. I dont go along with that. I am tired of thinking about it.

 

[standswithcourage]

I am feeling guilty now. Janets husband boss said theyshouldnt turn their back on hiim altogether. I feel like that is what my husband wants to do to our son. He said he loved him but that he wasnt going to be a part of his lifestyle anymore. I agree but if he called with a life or death situation I would have go see about it. I believe my husband has had enough and my heart just keeps on being emotional. This is hard. I dont want it to make problems for our marriage. One lady one time told me that her husband would never come before her children. I dont go along with that. I am tired of thinking about it. :smile:

 

[DammitJanet]

Well...I dont think my kids come before my husband nor does my husband come before my kids. They are separate entities. The relationship I have with each of them is a totally different type of relationship. I shouldnt have to choose one over the other. I did have to tell Cory that he wasnt going to cause me to lose his father due to the stress he placed in our lives. It was causing enough stress that his father had a health scare. If it came down to that, Cory would have to live elsewhere. Not that I would chose one over the other but being an adult child, he was old enough to live on his own.

We can still be supportive of our kids even if they do not live with us. Even if they are in jail, living elsewhere, whatever.

 

[standswithcourage]

Ok Just doing my normal what if thinking that drives me crazy most of the time. I just keep thinking if there is another rock I havent turned over yet. You are right - when the child gets to be an adult they can be on their own - but we can still be supportive of them. Thanks for helping. :crazy:

 

[DammitJanet]

If there is a rock that I havent turned over already, I think it must be out there in the ocean somewhere...lol.

I think I have done all the "what if" thinking around here. My kid has been in so many placements and in so many treatments since he was 4. We have tried it all. I do think that I have to at least give myself credit for trying to help him to the best of our abilities. If it didnt take, it isnt our fault. It wasnt for lack of trying.

Maybe we cared too much.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Janet, don't be questioning what you have or haven't done for Cory. When there were problems you tried to solve them, when there were joys you celebrated. He's 21 now. He has a child, he's worked, he's experienced life as he wants it. Now he needs to experience life as the world sees and does it.

I think one of the hardest things in life to do is to have your child arrested. The other is probably to bury him. Others have done that (Rita, Gottaloveem, etc). Life continues, one moves forward.

If "shock" treatment is what's needed to shake up Cory's world and put him on the right path, then I guess that's the path he chose to go on.

I don't think you all are totally closing the door on him at all. What you are doing is making him responsible for his actions. What would happen if you all were "gone"? would he start in on Jaime?

There will be plenty of opportunities to help/assist him when he's finished with his "consequence".

I too would hold off on visiting him and write letters instead. He can reread and reread them rather than an "interview" where he will be primed to try and sway your emotions.

Hang tough. {{{{sunny hugs}}} :smile:

 

[standswithcourage]

Sunny you are so smart! I believe like Janet that I have tried and tried also. Lots of treatment centers, creative ways to help him even involving the police and clerk of court at one time. Everything - also I have celebrated the good times ten fold - he was my first born so he got a lot of attention probably too much. It is just so sad to watch this crazy stuff go on - :rolleyes:

 

[witzend]

I don't know, maybe we did do too much to try to help. We meant well. We kept trying when our kids needed it. We loved them and feared for them.

It could have been worse. We could have not cared. Much as my upbringing makes it my knee-jerk reaction, I try every day to not feel guilty.
What good would it do anyway?

 

[DammitJanet]

Dont you know these threads scare the pants off the parents of the littler kids...lol. We talk about all the things we have done and tried and none of it has worked! Look at where our kids are in life. If I was them I would be scared witless.

I watch Keyana and try to figure out how NOT to make the same mistakes with her that we did with Cory. I really dont know that we did make mistakes though. That is the problem.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Janet,
got a laugh out of your latest post--yes, we probably are scaring the parents of littler ones when we seem so confused ourselves!

I think I did make a lot of mistakes but I don't know if the outcome would have been any different anyway! My dtr seemed so determined to live by her own rules I don't think it would have made much difference what I did. Maybe what I would do over is how I responded to her and how I let her consume my whole life for awhile. I could have done more to help myself and be stronger and be more "there" for my other 2 kids.

Jane

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand that! What mistakes did we make? We are normal parents that care about our children a lot more than some parents do and look at what they do! Sometimes I just go back and think maybe I shouldnt have consentrated so much on drugs and consentrated on his behavior but I did that to start with at age 6 when he was diagnosed with ADHD. Then we went that route. Every discipline tactic we used seemed to work for a while then fail. Sometimes I think I did too much for my son maybe that left him with the feeling he couldnt do it by himself. My husband never did that. He was always not smothering him - I felt like I needed to make up for any shortcomings there. My son is a great fisherman and loves to be outdoors. He good at a lot of things - we even tried to get him to do it as a profession. Oh well - I am rambling. :smile:

 

[rejectedmom]

Janet I am glad you are able to keep your cool and not let him get to you. I hope he is remorsful and learns from this. -RM

 

[DammitJanet]

Im surprising myself with how well I am able to do right now actually. Maybe its the medications...lol. They started me on a new one...Lyrica. Maybe it has me so loopy that Im just not able to connect the dots right now.

I do know that for the first two days that I wasnt able to sleep in my own house and had to stay in a motel. I think that helped me get over the fact that he wasnt here anymore. Then I came home and set up the account so he could call and I was able to deal with him. I was ready by then. My inner resources were set. I couldnt have handled it before then.

It also helped to have the baby here for the weekend. I know we have her every weekend so that helps out quite a bit. I also spent a ton of money this weekend in retail therapy...lol. I ebayed my way into outfitting the kids for winter clothes.

 

[flutterbee]

I know all about retail therapy. :wink: Unfortunately, I also suffer from buyer's remorse. Kind of a catch 22.

I've thought often about whether I'm doing too much or not enough for my daughter. I don't know and we will probably never know. Those are questions that don't have answers. Like witzend, and I'm sure like many of us here, my knee-jerk reaction is guilt. That I did this to my daughter, that I didn't do enough, that I've made life too easy so she doesn't have to work so hard. Any way you slice it I'm going to find a way to blame myself.

The reality is, it is up to our kids to want to change. That's something I've really been trying to impress upon my daughter of late. I can give her the resources and teach her the tools, but she has to want to make use of them. Like leading a horse to water. I don't want my child to be miserable, but she doesn't want to do the work. In fact, when I've told her that I don't want her to be miserable, her response on more than one occassion has been, "So!! I'm not going to die." Speaks volumes, don't you think? I do realize that part of that is coming from the depression and feeling like everything is insurmountable so rather than make that huge effort it's easier to do nothing. I understand that because I've been there. And at her age, too. I guess the difference between her and I is that I never once found it acceptable to live my life that way. I wanted more.

And just like my difficult child, Janet, Cory has to want more. He has to want better.

You're handling this very well. Hats off to you.

(((hugs)))

by the way, did you order room service?

 

[DammitJanet]

LOL...no on the room service. I dont think Super 8 offers it.

I did get a couple of bags of jelly beans however. They have become my newest vice. husband swears I should be pooping multicolored by now...lol.

I think Cory is beginning to accept his circumstances now. Instead of begging us to come set him free, now he is asking for the creature comforts of home...lmao. He wants us to send him books and other reading material...and oh...get this...a TV!!!!!

 

[flutterbee]

A TV?!! Did you laugh out loud? Cause I woulda. I woulda told him he's a funny, funny man.

Gotta give him one thing: he's bold. Now, if he would only use his powers for good instead of evil... :hypnosis:

 

[KFld]

You are doing good because you know he is safe and you are not living his daily drama in your home anymore. Hopefully something good will come of this for him and he will finally get it!!!!