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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 672752" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Carolita</p><p> I am glad you are making use of tools to help you navigate. It is good to have. I, too have found CD to be extremely helpful, with my son and his activities, it is convenient for me to be able to vent and discuss here.</p><p></p><p> My daughters are the same. I think it is what keeps us in the cycle, the "woe is me" part. The truth is, we will not be around forever to pick up the pieces, so having them learn to fend for themselves is a<em> gift </em>to them.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Ahhhh guilt, it is the weapon used to keep our Mama heart strings pulled tight to this thing-enabling.<em> I am that kind of mother</em>, Carolita. I am not offended by the question. I have asked it of myself a thousand times. I have asked it as much as my d cs have blamed me for their choices. Hubs and I went through some difficult times. I made mistakes in my parenting, as we all do, being imperfect humans. My d cs pounce on this, pointing fingers and lamenting. My other children say "Mom, we had some rough times, but who doesn't? We are okay, you did the best you could do." I had dinner with my young son last night and he was talking about paddling and how one of the kids was talking about my coaching style, how it was positive. My son remarked that I was his mother to this group of boys chatting. The boy said "Your mom is different, she is herself and such a happy coach, your family life must be wonderful." My son looked down. I told him he doesn't have to let everyone know what is happening with his sisters, but if he does, thats okay too. It is hard on him. He his mad and sad and worried.</p><p>Yes, I am that kind of mom. As my daughter walked out the door, I had to fight with all of my might, my heart against my head. I know by experience with her, that there is nothing I can do to help her. <em>She simply must help herself.</em> I am not willing to go down that road with her, that is what happens when she is home. <em>She takes all of us down.</em></p><p>Rather, the question,"What kind of adult child abuses the kindness and love and <em>health of their parent? M</em>y husbands health is deteriorating. He was hospitalized two years in a row, for heart infection, a life threatening condition. He was home, each time, with six weeks of antibiotic intravenous treatment. Where was our daughter?</p><p>On the streets, getting high. Where was our other daughter? Partying.</p><p></p><p>This is not an ordinary situation, and it takes extraordinary strength to deal with. It is a one way street, <em>their way</em>. The more we gave, the more they took and expected, and blamed. The more heartfelt we suffered, the more heartless they became. What kind of adult child, does this?</p><p>An addicted adult child. I had to stop myself from going down guilts road, as I sent my disheveled daughter out the door. She does not want help. She wants to live in my home and continue to use, drugs and<em> us. Not acceptable,</em>both of those two things, are unacceptable.</p><p> Yes Carolita, protect your heart, physically and spiritually. Literally and figuratively.</p><p>You have given him his wings, and he will learn how to use them because he must. </p><p>You will not be here on this earth forever to pick up the pieces.</p><p></p><p> I am glad you see this Carolita, that helping is an illusion. They would have us helping forever. Truthfully, the <em>helping</em> only <em>helps </em>them to continue making these bad, bad choices.</p><p></p><p> I hope you are able to remedy this, it is good to have solutions.</p><p></p><p> It is okay, we all have to be able to look in the mirror. It is a kindness on your part.</p><p></p><p> Yes, it is how it works. Continue posting and sharing, it helps others too, you know. We are all on different stages on this journey. When I read new posts from folks telling of their struggle, I am reminded of myself, and my decisions. When I reply, it helps to bolster me, in my resolve.</p><p></p><p>We will get through this Carolita, one day at a a time.</p><p>So will our d cs.</p><p>It is because we have to carry on, and so do they.</p><p>We will, and so will they.</p><p></p><p>Peace and love to you,too,</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 672752, member: 19522"] Hi Carolita I am glad you are making use of tools to help you navigate. It is good to have. I, too have found CD to be extremely helpful, with my son and his activities, it is convenient for me to be able to vent and discuss here. My daughters are the same. I think it is what keeps us in the cycle, the "woe is me" part. The truth is, we will not be around forever to pick up the pieces, so having them learn to fend for themselves is a[I] gift [/I]to them. Ahhhh guilt, it is the weapon used to keep our Mama heart strings pulled tight to this thing-enabling.[I] I am that kind of mother[/I], Carolita. I am not offended by the question. I have asked it of myself a thousand times. I have asked it as much as my d cs have blamed me for their choices. Hubs and I went through some difficult times. I made mistakes in my parenting, as we all do, being imperfect humans. My d cs pounce on this, pointing fingers and lamenting. My other children say "Mom, we had some rough times, but who doesn't? We are okay, you did the best you could do." I had dinner with my young son last night and he was talking about paddling and how one of the kids was talking about my coaching style, how it was positive. My son remarked that I was his mother to this group of boys chatting. The boy said "Your mom is different, she is herself and such a happy coach, your family life must be wonderful." My son looked down. I told him he doesn't have to let everyone know what is happening with his sisters, but if he does, thats okay too. It is hard on him. He his mad and sad and worried. Yes, I am that kind of mom. As my daughter walked out the door, I had to fight with all of my might, my heart against my head. I know by experience with her, that there is nothing I can do to help her. [I]She simply must help herself.[/I] I am not willing to go down that road with her, that is what happens when she is home. [I]She takes all of us down.[/I] Rather, the question,"What kind of adult child abuses the kindness and love and [I]health of their parent? M[/I]y husbands health is deteriorating. He was hospitalized two years in a row, for heart infection, a life threatening condition. He was home, each time, with six weeks of antibiotic intravenous treatment. Where was our daughter? On the streets, getting high. Where was our other daughter? Partying. This is not an ordinary situation, and it takes extraordinary strength to deal with. It is a one way street, [I]their way[/I]. The more we gave, the more they took and expected, and blamed. The more heartfelt we suffered, the more heartless they became. What kind of adult child, does this? An addicted adult child. I had to stop myself from going down guilts road, as I sent my disheveled daughter out the door. She does not want help. She wants to live in my home and continue to use, drugs and[I] us. Not acceptable,[/I]both of those two things, are unacceptable. Yes Carolita, protect your heart, physically and spiritually. Literally and figuratively. You have given him his wings, and he will learn how to use them because he must. You will not be here on this earth forever to pick up the pieces. I am glad you see this Carolita, that helping is an illusion. They would have us helping forever. Truthfully, the [I]helping[/I] only [I]helps [/I]them to continue making these bad, bad choices. I hope you are able to remedy this, it is good to have solutions. It is okay, we all have to be able to look in the mirror. It is a kindness on your part. Yes, it is how it works. Continue posting and sharing, it helps others too, you know. We are all on different stages on this journey. When I read new posts from folks telling of their struggle, I am reminded of myself, and my decisions. When I reply, it helps to bolster me, in my resolve. We will get through this Carolita, one day at a a time. So will our d cs. It is because we have to carry on, and so do they. We will, and so will they. Peace and love to you,too, (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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