Pick your battles

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Malika, Jun 8, 2011.

  1. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    J went off to the childminder this morning (I have work and there is no school here on Wednesdays) wearing odd shoes. With a easy child, I would doubtless have made an issue of this but... since I have a little difficult child, you learn to pick your battles. His determination (aka stubborness) is extraordinary. First of all he insisted on putting on a pair of shoes that are basically too small for him and which were in the bag of clothes to be given to his cousin in Morocco this summer; despite my entreaties he would not be dissuaded - with a force of will that is in a way impressive - and finally managed to get one of them on, with much squeezing and pushing. Then we discovered that the lace of the other one was missing and no other lace would fit. And so, rather than admit defeat and take the first shoe off, J happily accepted the "compromise" of putting a different shoe on the other foot...
    He is generally indifferent to what he wears and I can put anything on him but he is supremely conscious of and particular about FOOTWEAR... does anyone else have this??
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child has (and easy child actually) were both specific about their attire from an early age. As long as it was not revealing or covered in stains, it was not a battle to engage in. I think clothes are the first form of self expression and I never wanted to quell that. Insofar as it being a difficult child sensory issue, that I've not dealt with other than difficult child preferring a particular type of jockey short or fabric in general; I think that was/is just a comfort issue.

  3. Peace Please

    Peace Please New Member

    This definitely sounds like a battle that's not worth fighting. Were these shoes ones that your son loved to wear? If they were, he may just not want to give them up even though they are too small. I'm not sure this is a difficult child thing, but a kid in general thing. I remember not wanting to give up outfits and shoes that I particularly loved. My mom would do the same thing that you're doing and pack up things each year that didn't fit me anymore to give away to a relative or to a charity. I was upset every year when she would do this with items that I loved a lot. I would take these things out of the box and put them back in my closet to wear again. There was one dress in particular that I LOVED. My mom had made it for me and when I would twirl around in a circle, the skirt would spin out in the best way. Even though it was too small, I would put it on in my room and twirl and twirl. I think I was 4 or 5. My brother did the same thing with his favorite things. My DF still has some things from his childhood that he cannot bear to part with, such as a Pink Floyd t-shirt that he wore in middle school. He hasn't worn it in YEARS, it's full of holes, but he loves it.

    I would ask him why he wanted to wear the shoes, and if he's particularly attached to them, let him keep them, even if he doesn't wear them. They may hold some significance to him. That may sound silly, but I still have that dress. LOL
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing that nice memory, Peace!
    Yes, I realise this is not something specific to difficult children - I can remember being really attached to certain clothes too. I used to take new pairs of shoes (shoes again!) to bed with me to sleep... What is specific to J, and maybe even that isn't a difficult child thing but just a character thing, is the absolute determination and insistence with which he attaches to what he wants. Nothing will sway him from having it!
    He particularly loves these shoes because, he says, they "make him run fast" :)
  5. Peace Please

    Peace Please New Member

    Then, that makes perfect sense to me Malika. Of course he doesn't want to lost his "fast" shoes, even if he can't wear them anymore. Maybe he can put them somewhere he can see them in his room or put them on one of his animals to make them go fast when he's playing. LOL
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I hope you packed up another pair for when his feet start hurting which they definately will if it was such a struggle to put those "fast" shoes on. The probable blisters and pains are a natural consequence for his stubborness so I totally agree with the decision you made. Autistic kids can be very determined and stubborn. This is not unusual. Working compromises must often be found. Letting him wear the odd/small shoes while giving the caregiver a proper pair for later with the instructions that she should not try to force the issue is a good way to go. Tell her to just put the shoes where difficult child can get them should he change his mind and want relief from the ill fitting ones he has on. If the shoes continue to be a issue just keep giving him this option.

    In the future I suggest you pack up items when he isn't around to see and put them somewhere he can't find them untill you have the opportunity to get them out of the home. As far as him not giving up his "fast" shoes. That is just so cute and understandable. Have him rub them on his well fitting ones so the "fastness" rubs off making the new ones "fast" too. I often had to be a creative thinker for my difficult child's and sometimes thinking like a child is very helpful. Good luck! -RM
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Haha! Too cute! That was what my difficult child had to do around the shoe store every time we bought new sneakers. Had to check to see if they made her run fast.

    My difficult child has an attachment to everything that is or ever was hers. Or that she thought was hers. Or that she has created a memory for. I suspect a hoarder in the future! LOL!
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Both of my difficult child's were extremely sensitive about their shoes and socks. Not so much the style as just the comfort factor and sensory issues. (I have it, too. To this day I can not stand a seam across the end of my toes - NO TUBE SOCkS!)

    Even tho this doesn't seem the case with your difficult child, there's no way I'd engage in a battle over shoes worn to the sitter.
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    The shoe thing is definitely cute, and I had similar experiences. Once we found a FAVORITE pair of shoes, we tried to find the 'same' ones when new ones were needed. As styles change so quickly, this was easier said than done. I always told son that they new style was even faster than the old ones. if the old ones would still kinda fit but had holes or ripping soles, we would keep them as back up - the dirty shoes - when he wanted to play in dirt or rain or mud.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    M - the other interesting thing about ADHD kids is... the degree to which they are in fact "normal". in my humble opinion - this is more toward "normal".

    Have you started a memory box? We have one for each kid... but just one - a plastic storage bin with a tight-fitting lid. When they were babies, I saved the outfits from their formal baby pictures, first runners etc. Now, they get to choose what goes in - but if it weighs more than 4 oz (125g), then they have to choose something ELSE to take out and give away... so, there is room for the "honor band" t-shirt, but not for the first pair of size 12 mens dress shoes...!
  11. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid my son just can't be fooled on some things, rejectedmom.... I tried your suggestion this morning - rubbed a newish pair of shoes with the old "fast" ones and then told him the new ones were also fast. He gave a huge grin, shook his head vigorously and said "Noooooooo.....! THESE ones are fast!" pointing to the beloved pair. I could have got away with this when he was three but he is now a smart guy of FOUR!