plan for easy child

[Jena]

so i want to say i really appreciate all of your support, ideas, thoughts, advice on my easy child as of late.

So, I think to some extent it is "typical teenage" behavior yet on another level there is such a thing as crossing the line. Each line is draw different I think for each parent. We all have our rules in place, yes with our difficult child's we have to tweek and change and use various approachs. Yet our easy child's we can go with our "standard" way of parenting, whatever that is for each of us i think. So, my daughter def crossed the line. She knows the rules, was reminded that night of the rules repeatedly. Her behaviors obviously have worsened since 7th grade. It is a natural downhill slide as far as I see it. Had it been one random act suddenly I wouldn't be so upset, yet it's been a natural progression for her.

I cannot afford boarding school, if i could she'd be going. Not because she chose to have a boy here and do things with him (i soo dont' want to get into what those things were again.....yuck) against our rules that she is to have no one in our home when we are not here. It is because she lied, manipulated for days prior, has lied, stolen in the past, manipulated and played me like a violin. She really has.

So, i'm looking into a few different things as far as making her donate her time to either local nursing homes once a week, or schools for special needs children. I"m also removing everything from her room except her bed and clothes, enrolling her in a teenage therapy group (i'm currently searching for one), and hiring a sitter for her. so that i'm not in lock down mode on the days i need to go out and difficult child is either not here or with me. We are going to sit down with-both her and the boyfriend and basically threaten their lives to be honest. Inform them they are not to be alone together only when I am home can he come over.

Those are just a few to start with. I took some ideas from the posts that everyone jumped on and thanks for the ideas. That's just the basic's of it for now.

The way I see it I've let her manipulate me long enough, this was a wake up call. So, it's a good thing..... yup lemon into lemonade thing lol.

anyway if i've missed anything, please fill me in

 

[Wiped Out]

I think your plan about having her donate her time is really good!

 

[Im a Believer]

Jennifer ~ I am so sorry you are having to deal with this ~

Girls are definitley a challenge ~

Hugs - Judy

 

[meowbunny]

The one thing I would suggest is that you give her an ending date for the babysitter, no being alone with boyfriend, etc. Otherwise, she's just going to up the ante and run. Sadly, she's a teen and they do think they are "almost" adults and can are old enough and smart enough to do what they want.

The other reason to have an ending date is she needs to have a way to regain your trust and that can't happen if she is never given a chance. If this were my daughter, I would have the babysitter and no alone time for two months. A complete grounding except to go to school for one month. The volunteer work for at least three months. You might also want to consider a homeless shelter so she can see where her life will end up if she continues on this path; otherwise, working with the elderly is awesome. Obviously, if she sneaks out while grounded, finds a way to be alone with him, etc., the times are upped. But she is a easy child. The odds are she will accept this if she knows it is not permanent.

For group therapy, check with her school. Many schools have them for kids and, given the circumstances, she might qualify to go there. If not, check with CPS. They might know who has them. I found one for my daughter through a parenting class my therapist was running. He asked some of the parents there and found one for her.

 

[Jena]

thank you meowbunny. i actually set end dates to all of it. i wrote it all down. i was thinking exactly the same thing, yet babysitter there is no end date for. i am just hoping not to have to do that quite frankly i can't afford it. it's ridiculous. i'll have difficult child in a sitter and easy child with her own. ridiculous!!!!!!!

wanna laugh though, all's quite because no one's talked to her yet............it's holiday time and we've been insane past few days.

so shes wondering, why is it so calm??? calm before the storm possibly???

 

[lizzie09]

Jennifer m so sorry you are suffering this way. You would expect better from the so called normal ones but while I have no girls my two older pcs can be so disrespectful at times that I just reel with disbelief.
The whole job of parenting is daunting to say the least.
It does seem that girls add a different worry because of their vulnerability in so many areas.
I am just waiting for the s...t to hit the fan with MY 15yo.

You seem to be doing an amazing job overall so dont lose heart x

 

[Jena]

Thanks to all of you, i often forget to list names seperately. "my bad"...... we shall see what type of job I am doing. I can only do my best. I am just grateful she'll be 16 soon, that means the reign of terror will cease sooner than later??? LOL

 

[Andy]

I think getting her involved with volunteer activities is great. It will be a good way for her to increase skills that will help her enter the work force. If she does really well, it may even open some doors for a job.

Have you been able to find a babysitter? Someone who can take her to age appropriate activities would be great.

Good luck - you are doing great.

 

[Jena]

no, and i wouldn't have her take her to anything. I think the main thing of it would be to make easy child realize how ridiculously she acted by lying and manipulating me. To also show her ok you want to act like 2 year old by lying, than that is how i will treat you. I found a few local ones, in their 20's. It'll just be used when I basically need to run an errand or when i actually have plans (which is very rare). i'Tourette's Syndrome rough to afford first mos working and all.

difficult child will problem be with her old sitter that she is comfortable with initially while i'm training, than to have easy child covered by sitter too. I could just scream in her face, yet i won't.

 

[Andy]

I understand. Just thinking that this person could be somewhat of a mentor and show her what is available for good clean appropriate fun when she is allowed out of the house. Your easy child will be 16 soon and will be fighting even harder for her independence. The more you can get her involved in positive activities the better chance for her to find friends who are on the right path.

I was so angry when my easy child turned 16. I read her the riot act on her birthday because she woke up with the attitude of, "I am 16 - I can do whatever I want - all household rules are gone!!!" A diva in the truest sense of the word. I guess I ruined that birthday too but didn't want her thinking she could totally start disobeying me just because she was 16.

She is 18 now and does not listen and will not always tell me where she is going - however, I do see more and more glimmers of hope for the two of us. She has been somewhat more respectful lately.

You are doing great though and I do agree that for a long time she gets to be grounded outside school and volunteer work.

 

[eekysign]

This way-too-long post is JUST my two cents. Parenting ideas differ, but this is just MY opinion.....that's all!!

If this is also about current "lying, stealing, and manipulating" that has little to do with having the boy over against your wishes, then it sounds like a good plan!!! If it IS mainly about the boyfriend situation, it seems a bit much for a easy child kid. It's hard for me to comment on it---you still haven't told us what she's doing that's so bad, other than getting poor grades and having a boy over. I mean, you just can't punish her now for "stealing in the past", but you list that among the reasons you're doing this.

Let's see if I can make some kinda point, and stop rambling. Heheh. I think it's this: I haven't yet heard anything about your easy child that I didn't personally do as a teen myself---and taking all my stuff outta my room and hiring a babysitter for me would have absolutely backfired. However, I can understand wanting her in therapy---the poor grades, heck, having a difficult child sibling alone might make that useful for her. And volunteering isAWESOME---my mom's having my little sister do the same.

Why? Because the punishment isn't designed for an almost-adult, something to teach them how our society expects its members to behave, it's designed for a little kid. Hiring a babysitter and taking all her things tells her she's still a child, and has no power in the house (you control everything she possesses, you control the house when you are there AND even when you aren't there...).

In the end, you don't "control" a 15 y/o easy child any more---and they know it. All you can do is guide them. My parents handled the same situations by sitting me down, explaining that I was almost an adult, and needed to learn how to act like one, or I was going to ruin my life....*I* was going to ruin *MY* life. Not them. And explaining why they were so disappointed in me, and why my actions hurt them, and could have hurt me. Even as a teen, I could respect that, although I hated it (Talk about painfully awkward conversations!) at the time. Groundings, curfews, loss of abused privileges (phone, computer, whatever related to my getting in trouble)

It was never "respect these rules because we have power over you". It was "respect these rules because this is how adults behave toward one another". Instead of forcing me to obey my parents' wishes, it taught me to understand (learned empathy) why they felt that way, why they wanted me to act certain ways, and that it was MY choice to do so, not theirs. Kids rebel when they feel they are being forced into things--heck, that's what rebelling is. Knowing it was MY choice made me (grudgingly) stop and evaluate my own decisions to see if I was really acting like an idiot. Which I usually was.

 

[TerryJ2]

LOVE the volunteering idea! All teens should do that anyway.

 

[Jena]

I'm just doing what my gut tells me to basically. right now this is what it's saying to me. I will not live like a prisoner in my own home, due to her actions or lack of honesty (hence the boyfriend). So, now she will get a sitter just to show her ok you wanna act like your two, here ya go slick!!

The volunteering is basically in my gut to teach her that there are other ppl in the world, and how it feels to give to someone. Not the me, me, me attitude. Also a bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Umm....we are also sitting down with her boyfriend and her and basically threatening their lives. If she wants to perform sexual acts, ok go for it yet i'm not about to make it easy by anti up her own bedroom and a place in which we like to call home and she does not pay the bills in. Sorry kid, you'l have to wait till you can pay your own rent lol. tha'Tourette's Syndrome how i feel.

as far as the rest of it goes, group counseling will be good. because maybe it will enable her to reach out to others with whom struggle with similar issues and hopefully it will give her ideas about how to handle situations differently and make better choices for herself. Also how her actions have an impact on others due to our love for her.

i have no clue if it'll work but i'm giong to give it a good try. the stripping room down thing, is because bottom line she deserves it. it won't be easy i hate making her miserable. yet she lied and for that there will be a consequence in my mind. she is still only 15.

so, anyhow i see your point. I have tried that for years, lead by example show her the right way to handle things, learned empathy, etc. good point on your part. Yet I think with some kids logic can be achieved yet with others it's a no go situation. so, to me talk time is over. yet i tried that route and umm not so good obviously lol. as far as the nature of what she did i think you asked that before and i was blunt and shared. i dont want to go into great detail. yet, suffice it to say it was very poor decison making on her part.

flip side to it all i also have to make her an appointment at the gynecologist to ensure she isn't pregnant at this point. and she will be made to go thru an entire gyn visit. just like grown ups do.

 

[eekysign]

so, anyhow i see your point. I have tried that for years, lead by example show her the right way to handle things, learned empathy, etc. good point on your part. Yet I think with some kids logic can be achieved yet with others it's a no go situation. so, to me talk time is over. yet i tried that route and umm not so good obviously lol. as far as the nature of what she did i think you asked that before and i was blunt and shared. i dont want to go into great detail. yet, suffice it to say it was very poor decison making on her part.

flip side to it all i also have to make her an appointment at the gynecologist to ensure she isn't pregnant at this point. and she will be made to go thru an entire gyn visit. just like grown ups do.

Which is AWESOME, because it's the perfect time to get her started with the GYN, anyway. Mwahaha.

As far as what she did, yeah, I get that---she lied about having a boyfriend over, and she did some "naughty" stuff. Darn 15 y/os, it's like their brains get shipped out for readjustment, and don't come back til they're 20 or so!!! Hehehe.
So she was a dumb 15 year old girl. Since we seem to be getting crossed wires on my question.....What I'm asking is, since you were even considering shipping her off to boarding school over this----you said that she's been lying, manipulating, and stealing. So other than this one, single, ultra-typical teen issue, has she been lying about other stuff? What has she stolen that you know of (you've only mentioned something from a really long time ago)? How is she manipulating you? 'Cause you're making it seem like this ONE issue is why she's getting punished very strongly. And if you're seeming like that to us adults, I can't imagine how it's coming across to her. That's my only worry! Hehehe.

Or does it fit in with your parenting style to order therapy, volunteer work, loss of all belongings, and semi-perm babysitting for a teen caught lying about having a boy over, and making a sexual decision that you disapprove of? And I am totally not judging here!!, just need to know---'cause if the answer is yes, then I know where you're coming from, and can stop asking you questions. We can agree to disagree and all that. Hehehe.

 

[Jena]

hi,

i know your not and i appreciate the conversation. I apologize if i sound rushed. past week i have been. as far as past stuff she's stolen my credit card once and tried to order stuff on line. that was 13. recently we had alot of money missing from our home and i thought it was my boyfriend's daughter, yet who knows now. easy child seems to be cropping up with stuff here and there little things and saying it's her boyfriend who is buying it. searched her room found nothing. yet it was 700 that was missing. at this piont i'm not sure.

lies about where she is, have had to go in search of her several times. gives me stories of i'll be at so and so's house. yet i call there and she isnt' there. so i one time had to drive around for 4 hours to locate her only to find her at a boy's house iwht a bunch of friends, another time walking down road in dark with friends unbeknownst to me. has left her little sister difficult child at a bus stop several times (totally my fault; should of known not to trust her). lies about just about anything you can think of.

How's school? it's good. get 3 emails from teachers stating this that and the other. got an in house suspension last mos for mouthing off.

that sort of stuff in short. like today for instance, have no clue where she is lol. none.

so i think it's more of a final straw thing with me, than me thinking of all this stuff due to the boy/lying/maniuplating me that night by texting all night to get our exact location.

i hope i answered it more clearly for you. i appreicate all the advice and tips believe me. they dont' come with hand books. lol

 

[Jena]

also got drunk several times right under my nose. was at party down the block. she was just finished being grounded, and got released for that party due to "good" behavior. went down block and drank a bottle of rum. called me early on and asked if she could sleep over friends house i said sure. i called the mom to check. she spent the entire night up chucking in the toilet bowl.

this wasn't the first time or the last also. she's alot of fun.

 

[eekysign]

Now THAT makes it all make sense. I wish you the ABSOLUTE best of luck. I'd say definitely stay away from any boarding schools that aren't therapy-focused, then, if you ever find the money for 'em. My sis woulda been in MUCH more trouble up there if she had "running with a bad crowd" issues. Those kids were into all kindsa stuff, and we thought we'd found one school that DIDN'T have a problem with that. Her problems all stemmed from "I'm socially awkward and unable to back down, and refuse to admit I'm wrong".

Honestly, when Sis ends up hitting puberty and discovering boys (thank GOD she's taking her sweet time about THAT, she's a late bloomer), we will be in real trouble. I feel for you guys!!!

 

[Jena]

thank you