Pleasant Visit

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Apr 13, 2011.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Had some stuff to drop off at katie' in true nana style, I waited until I knew it would be time for the kids to come home on the bus.......which would mean she'd definitely be home. lol

    Katie seemed thrilled to see us. We brought the kids bikes over. (has been raining since she moved no reason before now) And I had an old crockpot and mother in law's toaster for her. I brought kayla the books I'd gotten her from GW, but left the leapster at home because I'd like to pick up some book sets for it before giving it to Evan. And I discovered Alex can use it too as it's got things on his level as well.

    She asked if we wanted to walk with her to the bus stop to get the kids and I said sure. Brought back old memories from when we lived there. lol She was quite chatty and pleasant. The kids got there and alex nearly toppled me over with his enthusiastic greeting. lol (he always does) Then we stopped at the complex's nice playground area to let them play a bit.

    She got the couch, 2 twin beds, tv and entertainment center, computer.......alex's teacher got him a playstation. (biting my tongue here, but the woman seriously adores the boy) Kayla got to keep the complete bedroom bedding set she'd been using from the shelter so her room is decked out in little mermaid. lol Apartment was clean.....teeny cluttered, no biggie.

    Kids are adjusting well with no M........and are like ohhh 100 times calmer. Very nice visit. She did say she got the disability checks but can't cash them because she doesn't have an oh driver's license yet. She's waiting on a piece of mail to arrive so she can go switch it over. I hadn't even thought of that M is having the same issue. lol Today Alex's teacher sent home some pots and pans in his bookbag. So tonight katie can cook.

    I'm trying hard to put on a new attitude here. It's not easy when I'm such an all out pessimist. But I'm trying. She's got all that is necessary to do well and move forward. The kids are obviously happy. So, I'll just be surrogate mom and Nana and leave the rest alone. I've got a nagging feeling, but I'm choosing to ignore it and give the girl a chance. It's not like I have any expectations.

    But if I keep going around her with attitude (even trying to hide it) or avoiding her to make detachment easier......I'm not going to be very supportive of any change she may be considering.....or heck even making her feel like she's wanted. Not a very good message to send to your kid. With M not around.....visiting is soooooo much easier and nicer and talking so much more natural.

    With M basically not in the picture there is a remote possibility some progress may be made. Remote, but it's there. The change in the kids is already noticeable. They don't even talk about their dad which is HUGE as it was non stop dad this and dad that before. Now I get to hear about their day and what they like and such.....even with katie.

    So.........with detachment still firmly in place........I think I'll drop in to just visit on occasion. Maybe drop off nana finds. lol And snatch katie up for some yard sales. Sure we'd have to take Evan.....but he's the one I've noticed the most change in. Drastic. Still very much a difficult child. But wow. Affectionate, eager to please, some listening issues but that will take time.

    And yeah, she may disappear tomorrow. But in the meantime, I think I'll just try to let myself enjoy them as much as I can for as long as I can. (cuz if M gets back into the picture all of this will stop, kids and katie will be back the way they were)

    Also with no tv, no computer (well no internet), no phone cuz she's saving mins........she basically has no one to talk to at all. So no wonder she was glad to see me and encouraged us to stick around a while. Yup. That was her idea, not mine. We'd planned to drop the stuff off on the way to walmart and see what the kind people brought her, not really to sit and visit for more than an hour. lol
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    This is encouraging... I really hope she stays away from M... Especially with the change in Evan!!!
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a lovely afternoon!
  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Glad you had such a nice day! All of you deserve it! I hope for many more for you!
  5. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Sounds like a great visit! I hope she can keep it up!
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad it's going well and that the kids seem to be happy. It must be like heaven to the grands to have a half-way normal life in their own place after being in a shelter for so long! I'm hoping that, with a little time, Katie will realize how much better off she and the kids are without M, will finally see how he was dragging them all down with him. And now maybe she'll have some quiet time to think and will be asking herself, "What do I need HIM for?" Hopefully she will come to appreciate what they have now and won't be willing to give it all up for him, and won't do anything to mess it up. My fingers are crossed for them.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    That is exactly what I'm hoping for. It's just a teeny glimmer.....but one can hope. She did seem awfully happy today. No complains. No whining.

    We did run in to a bit of a snag with packing their stuff up and moving it, though. husband was packing up their clothes that were in the family room as you recall....... Well, I'd told him to go through M's bags of clothing because I'd caught him snooping more than once. We have china and silver stored out there as well until the girls have somewhere to put it. Well, low and behold, husband found one of the antique silver platters in M's bag. I'm not at all surprised. That is exactly why I made him go through those. I'd already been through katie's and the kids and knew they were ok. M's are sort of ick ick ick, so I gave husband the dirty job. lol

    Now husband is more than a tad ticked off. It's not just that the platter is probably worth quite a lot of's been in his family for generations upon generations as well, and in some ways that is far more important. That M would attempt to steal it after all we've done........well, the man's blood is boiling. He's been in one of the foulest moods I've ever seen for 2 or 3 days now........and this evening he finally told me why. Then was even more ticked off because I didn't get mad. Well, it's sort of hard to get furious when it's what you expected. I'm not pleased about it. But I knew when they kept pestering me to come and "switch clothes over" he had something stashed he wanted to pawn. I'm not an idiot. I was raised around people like him. The time before that when they supposedly wanted to switch clothes......I stood over him, ticked him off and funny but no clothes got switched.....he just went back into the main part of the house. lol I guess I just don't see any reason to get mad when he didn't get away with it.

    On the other hand if he had managed to get it out of the house........I'd have pressed charges and he'd be sitting in jail. Don't give a hoot who's husband he is.

    So now husband doesn't want him at Easter. Ok well, husband doesn't want him in the house ever again period. Hmm. Well no one else wants him at Easter either......and personally I could live life happy if I never saw his face again. But yeah.......not sure a silver platter he didn't get away with stealing is worth alienating katie at this point in the game. M hasn't been invited to Easter. Katie hasn't asked if we're willing to pick him up......and I've kept my mouth shut. We're doing ours next weekend to combine husband's birthday with it. I'm hoping M has gotten the message (finally) that we can't stand him (duh) and won't want to come or will have to work.
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Sure hope Katie continues to forget about him. You landed her any simple but healthy cookbooks yet?
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I really hope she sees how much better life is without him!!!
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I always get plenty of cookbooks at Goodwill - great idea!
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Do you think that Katie knew that he had stashed the silver platter and was planning to make off with it?

    And if he does show up for Easter and that silver platter doesn't find it's way to the dinner table for the big meal, you have really missed your chance! Just to see the look on his face would be worth having to put up with him! (almost) :bigsmile:
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Cookbooks are a great idea! And I promised to talk her through some fairly easy meal recipes over the phone too.

    I dunno if katie knew about the platter or not. One thing katie has never been is someone who takes other people's stuff. It doesn't appear that has changed. So who knows if he told her he did it. I have a feeling the man is rarely honest with well as the rest of the world. lol I only checked their clothes when I boxed them because he could have slipped something into their stuff too.

    Nichole is getting married in about 3 wks. We've planned a girl's spa day for before the reception. Nichole found a very good beauty school that offers the services dirt cheap and has made appts. We just talked and both of us would like to invite Katie. She has never gotten to do such a thing.........not even the girl day out part except when we took her to lunch.......and I think she'd love it. And I think it would be good for her to be pampered and get a makeover. She really needs the makeover. She's a pretty girl but has her dad's hair and it's not the type hair you just let grow long and do nothing with it. Gives her a bad frumpy look. And they'll do her makeup. Nichole is treating me for my birthday present. I was thinking of treating katie cuz I think this would again be a good bonding session. This girl needs sister bonding time bad. And I think it would make katie feel like she fits in more because reception is a dress up affair......and Nichole's boyfriend 's family has money so yeah......pillars of the community will all be there and all that junk. boyfriend's parents took over the reception as they're paying for it so it's sort of gotten out of hand. lol

    But of course there is a hitch. (always) It's on a sat which means her kids will be home. No one to watch the kids unless the shelter will let M do it and he's not working. Too many hours for husband and Travis to watch we'll have to think on that part a bit. There is a woman my age katie befriended in the shelter who might watch them for her if she asks.
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think having that platter on the table for Easter dinner is a great idea :)
    Sounds like the visit went great and I love your attitude about taking it one day at a time. As long as she's pleasant and doing well, then visit and be positive. If you go there and her attitude has changed, then leave and back off for a while. Sometimes positive feedback goes so much further with difficult child's then the negative they always seem to get, because of their own choices of course, but never the less I know it works well with my difficult child.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I completely understand how pleasantly surprised you are at the visit with katie. I hope she can see that they are much better off with-o M and that the loneliness doesn't make her run back to him. Or sneak him in to mess this all up for them.

    I think spending time enjoying them will be good for all of you.

    As for the platter, I can understand both your and husband's perspective. You are furious because you knew what to expect - that M would try to bite the hand that was feeding him. I am sure he did it at the shelter also. husband is furious because he was really trying to help them and M tried to steal something not just very valuable but actually precious to him (whether he ever used it or polished it, it held memories for him and is an heirloom in his eyes.). So I think not inviting M and if he shows up telling him he wasn't invited and must leave, away from the kids, is important.

    I think you need to let katie know what he did. That you suspected it when he kept trying to "switch" clothes but never actually switched them, and when he kept trying to sneak into that room. So you and husband checked his bags and found this heirloom from HER RELATIVE that M wanted to steal from you. That you understand that it was M and not her, that you are not angry with her or the kids, but you cannot and will not have someone who tried to steal a priceless heirloom that has been in the family for many generations back in your home. You tried to help M, to give him what you could even when you and husband were so broke you had a hard time buying food, and he tried to steal from you anyway.

    Let her know that it happened. Let her know that you want her and the kids in your life but you cannot have a thief in your home, now or ever. Esp not one that you tried very hard to help.

    I also think cookbooks would be a great idea. If you have any of your mother in law or family recipes that are handwritten, try to scan them into the computer and print them out on paper for her. Or to copy them at kinko's or wherever. It would give her that sense of family each time she opened the binder of them, because she could see your handwriting, her gma's writing and other relatives writing. I know at times going through my gma's old recipe cards helps me feel her and gpa with me.