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Please Help, 25yo brother stealing from family
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<blockquote data-quote="DazedandConfused" data-source="post: 544579" data-attributes="member: 831"><p>I'm sorry for your predicament, Cheese. </p><p></p><p>I've not had to go through something like this as a parent; however, like you, I was a sister to something similar and also a granddaughter. </p><p></p><p>In the case of my brother, my parents were divorced, my father allowed my brother to drop out of high school because he wouldn't go (so I can appreciate what your Mom did for your brother). He was living with him at the time. Over and over my father rescued him from his bad choices (drugs and stealing). My mom at first tried to help, but when she saw that her efforts did not help him to improve to make better choices, she stopped. Finally, my brother ended up living on the street, because even my father saw what he was doing wasn't improving his situation. It was horrible for my mother and I witnessed the desperation and the pain she went through during that time. My brother was married with two young children.He was an ADULT and he was in charge of his life. I tried to stay a neutral as I could, but I agreed with her. Ultimately, he asked for help, and my sister offered him a lifeline. However, it was on her terms (drug treatment, responsibility for actions, job, and taking care of and supporting his children). It took some time to get his life back together, but he did. </p><p></p><p>I also witnessed my grandparents rescue my uncle. Of course, this did cause resentment among the other siblings, but they were deaf, especially my grandmother, to it. My uncle was a sickly baby and my grandmother I think always saw him as someone who needed being taken care of and did my uncle ever take advantage of this! I can't name how many cars they bought; how many houses they rented and even bought, how many bills they paid for him. He even worked under my grandfather who ultimately HAD to fire him when he either wouldn't show up to work or showed up drunk. When I look back now, I see how he had very severe depression (his beloved fiance died of cancer) and my grandparents were old school from the Dust Bowl years; having any kind of "mental condition" was a humiliation for the family. He even moved in with my family for a while and it was HORRIBLE! He was arrogant, refused to clean up after himself and even bathe, and would make nasty little swipes at me. I was a teenager and I despised him. I found out later, as an adult, that my grandmother was paying my Dad to: 1. Give him a job in his business 2. Take him off her hands because he was stealing from her. Finally, after about three or four months, it all came to head and the police got called. He went then got violent with the police and ended up in the county psychiatric hospital. I have to admit, I have relieved he was gone. </p><p></p><p>So, for the rest of what remained of his life, he lived off and on with my grandmother. She couldn't stand to live with him, but couldn't stand the thought of him not having a place to live. She came from the perspective that family doesn't allow their kin to live on the street. What she couldn't see was how all the money she and my grandfather spent over the years did NOTHING to improve his life. He never was able to hold a job (He didn't have to!) and only fell deeper into a alcohol and drug abyss. The man LITERALLY died face down in the gutter in his 40s. He drank himself to death. He would have never been able to do that if my grandparents hadn't given him the financial backing.</p><p></p><p>As far your parents, I would surmise that more than what might happen to your brother if they were to start treating him like the adult that he is, and him having to face the consequences of his actions, they are afraid of the painful guilt they will feel when he does fall. He needs to fall and feel how cold and hard that ground is. How to convince them of this? I don't have much to offer other than to gently point out that all they have invested in him isn't paying any dividends. They will continue to suffer for his actions and he doesn't have to feel a thing. He's not a child anymore and can be very difficult for some parents to see. Hopefully, your parents will one day come to see this sooner better than later and before they are bled dry financially.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DazedandConfused, post: 544579, member: 831"] I'm sorry for your predicament, Cheese. I've not had to go through something like this as a parent; however, like you, I was a sister to something similar and also a granddaughter. In the case of my brother, my parents were divorced, my father allowed my brother to drop out of high school because he wouldn't go (so I can appreciate what your Mom did for your brother). He was living with him at the time. Over and over my father rescued him from his bad choices (drugs and stealing). My mom at first tried to help, but when she saw that her efforts did not help him to improve to make better choices, she stopped. Finally, my brother ended up living on the street, because even my father saw what he was doing wasn't improving his situation. It was horrible for my mother and I witnessed the desperation and the pain she went through during that time. My brother was married with two young children.He was an ADULT and he was in charge of his life. I tried to stay a neutral as I could, but I agreed with her. Ultimately, he asked for help, and my sister offered him a lifeline. However, it was on her terms (drug treatment, responsibility for actions, job, and taking care of and supporting his children). It took some time to get his life back together, but he did. I also witnessed my grandparents rescue my uncle. Of course, this did cause resentment among the other siblings, but they were deaf, especially my grandmother, to it. My uncle was a sickly baby and my grandmother I think always saw him as someone who needed being taken care of and did my uncle ever take advantage of this! I can't name how many cars they bought; how many houses they rented and even bought, how many bills they paid for him. He even worked under my grandfather who ultimately HAD to fire him when he either wouldn't show up to work or showed up drunk. When I look back now, I see how he had very severe depression (his beloved fiance died of cancer) and my grandparents were old school from the Dust Bowl years; having any kind of "mental condition" was a humiliation for the family. He even moved in with my family for a while and it was HORRIBLE! He was arrogant, refused to clean up after himself and even bathe, and would make nasty little swipes at me. I was a teenager and I despised him. I found out later, as an adult, that my grandmother was paying my Dad to: 1. Give him a job in his business 2. Take him off her hands because he was stealing from her. Finally, after about three or four months, it all came to head and the police got called. He went then got violent with the police and ended up in the county psychiatric hospital. I have to admit, I have relieved he was gone. So, for the rest of what remained of his life, he lived off and on with my grandmother. She couldn't stand to live with him, but couldn't stand the thought of him not having a place to live. She came from the perspective that family doesn't allow their kin to live on the street. What she couldn't see was how all the money she and my grandfather spent over the years did NOTHING to improve his life. He never was able to hold a job (He didn't have to!) and only fell deeper into a alcohol and drug abyss. The man LITERALLY died face down in the gutter in his 40s. He drank himself to death. He would have never been able to do that if my grandparents hadn't given him the financial backing. As far your parents, I would surmise that more than what might happen to your brother if they were to start treating him like the adult that he is, and him having to face the consequences of his actions, they are afraid of the painful guilt they will feel when he does fall. He needs to fall and feel how cold and hard that ground is. How to convince them of this? I don't have much to offer other than to gently point out that all they have invested in him isn't paying any dividends. They will continue to suffer for his actions and he doesn't have to feel a thing. He's not a child anymore and can be very difficult for some parents to see. Hopefully, your parents will one day come to see this sooner better than later and before they are bled dry financially. [/QUOTE]
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