Please help - I just found her meth pipe!

[katya02]

I just wanted to send my support, warm thoughts, and cyber-hugs to you both, Nancy and PG. This is such an awful thing to go through. Having to watch the ones
we love make such terrible decisions, and watch those decisions affect our other children as well - it's the worst. Thinking of you both and wishing you peace
of mind, one day at a time.

 

[HaoZi]

Also sliding in with support and *HUGS* for y'all.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you, everyone! We found out that yesterday she entered our house somehow. We have no idea how, my husband locked the place down before he left knowing she would be by here to pick up her things on the porch. But the wierd thing is she didn't take anything. Not even anything from her room that I could notice. She let the dogs in. That is the only clue we had that she had been in there and when I asked her how she came in, she said the door was unlocked - which is a lie. My husband would never leave a door unlocked. I told her if she did that again, I would have her arrested for breaking and entering.
This is so hard. I keep hoping she is going to wake up and realize what she is doing to herself. But I cannot sit by and watch her kill herself.

 

[toughlovin]

It is so hard. i think while they are in the midst of drug use they really can't see all that we do for them, or the pain and heartache they are causing us. They often are angry that we won't "help" them, even though that help just enables them to continue their destructive ways. I still don't think my son gets how much he has put us through, he doesn't really get why all of his actions have affected us. It is his life after all so why does it matter so much to us? I think he does see how some of the stuff he has done to his sister has affected her, but not to us. I hope someday he gets that.

I think it can help to let the court system be the heavy..... so it is no longer you requiring good behavior but the system.

Hang in there and continue to stand your ground. You are doing a good job and remember you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I am suspending service on her phone right now. I have warned her several times not to go on the internet and she racked up charges last night. It just keeps on coming...

I set it so her probation officer can reach her, her case manager and family. But, that is it. If she is using that cellphone to sell drugs, as I believe she is, I just hindered her business. Too bad I can't get logs of those text messages. Though I would probably be shaking as I read them...

 

[Nancy]

I suspend difficult child's cell phone when I try to reach her and she won't answer. I figure if she is texting everyone else and ignoring me why should I be paying for her phone. I usually hear from her pretty quickly then. I have it set so she can call me, husband, her sister and work.

Did she say why she came into the house? Is there any way she has a key? Our difficult child does not have a key and if we take the battery out of the garage door pad she can't even get into the garage. For as smart as she is in hiding drugs you would have thought she would have figured out how to have a key made by now.

Toughlovin is so right. When they are in the midst of their addiction they can't see anything past where their next fix comes from. For me the hardest part is thinking that she is out in the cold with nowhere to go and nothing to eat. That just tears me up. But I don't think it bothers her at all.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

The judge can sentence her to state Department of Juvenile Justice, which is what happened to mine but for different reasons. I hate it for him but prefer it over enabling him to get worse and dig himself in deeper or be on the streets in the middle of the night thinking hno one or no thing can harm in and getting in a car with God knows who.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh, I'm sure she will see lock up. She has had almost a year now and she just finished her community service hours the day I found her pipe - she only had 20 to do. She has failed half of the drug tests she has had to take and now this. Her probation officer knows that difficult child thinks this is all a big joke. So, I am waiting to see what happens in court. I'll take the jail time. Maybe that will wake her up. Today has been a bad day for me - cleaning out closets and finding little trinkets from when she was little. My heart is just broken. I mourn the person she could be.

She wrote on her Facebook wall "Life is about living and making many choices just pick what satisfies you and roll with it"

I want to ask how is that working for her.....but she is probably happy with what she is doing.....ugh.

 

[klmno]

I completely understand. My son has been locked up the moajority of time since turning 14yo and is 16 now and still has time left incarcerated. It is a real heartbreaker and I feel the same things when I see stuff from his early childhood.

 

[toughlovin]

l also feel this way.... mourn is a good word. I feel so sad when I think about how things could have been, and all the potential he has and what time and hearts he has wasted.... I can no longer spend much time thinking about those things. I keep reminding myself that at this point it is his path and his journey, not mine. My hope is he will get to a really good place, learn those hard lessons and be a producitve member of society.

 

[klmno]

Mourn is the perfect word! I mourn a loss of my son's teen years and the opportunity to finish raising him and selfish as it might be, the firsts that come with normal teen years. I mourn the loss of a good future for him and a child I thought I knew. I also try to do what you said- remind myself that at this point, it's his journey and life to live. My part is mostly over. I'm just watching from the sidelines and getting my heart broken more by what I see. But it's weither that or enable him and prolong the little opportunity to get him to realize that he's responsible for his future. At least he's alive and still has some opportunity. Sadly, that's the only good thing I can see right now.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I'm still having a really hard time. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I am second guessing myself, thinking throwing her out just hands her to the wolves. But I have to remember that she was never at the house anyway. She only came by once a week when she needed a break or needed to clean clothes. I can't live like that, either. Seeing her come in and looking like death - I can't do it.

I feel like there is something I could say to reach her. Something I could do to help her see what she is doing to herself. I feel so dang helpless doing nothing. I know, I need a meeting. I am going to one on Wednesday night, but it can't get here quick enough. Helpless is my feeling today. Untterly and completely desperate and helpless. I really hope I can hold it together at work...

 

[susiestar]

Most house locks can be opened iwth what is called a bump key. I was SHOCKED to learn this. Bump keys are easy to make and use. There was a youtube clip that showed a news anchor using one on a number of homes. He went up with the camera and microphone and knocked on doors and asked if he could try. It leaves NO marks. They just use a special key that is filed down and a hammer or tool to this the key with. It knocks the pins so that the door opens and is not something that requires skill to do. All she would need is a key that fits your lock that can be filed down and she can use a hammer to open the door with a little practice.

Look up bump key on google and youtube. It is a real eye opener, in my opinion. It is legal to have bump keys, per say, but they CAN be classified as burglary tools and tehn are illegal unless you are a licensed locksmith.

It could answer how she got in. She likely got in just to prove she could, and maybe to go through your stuff or enjoy your home with-o you there.

I am sorry you are both in such pain. I wish I had magic answers to help.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

husband changed the locks on the back door just in case she found one of her "lost" keys. The locks had actually been in the front and we moved them to the back the last time we changed the locks in the front (husband got locks that can be rekeyed the last time because we were so sick of switching out locks). So, she shouldn't have a key to either door, but this bump key thing has me nervous now. I wouldn't put it past her to have such a thing. I mean, sheesh, we found the phone numbers for places that buy copper in her bedroom!

I did tell husband we were very lucky that she didn't take anything. She could have easily have wiped us out. husband's laptop is always left out in the living room. She could have easily taken it. But she didn't. She didn't take anything but her Mountain Dew we had bought for her. And her dog (thankfully).

I am hurting. Heart broken. I found some blogs written by parents of drug addicts. It is helping to know I am not alone. But it doesn't ease the pain of difficult child destroying her life.

 

[Nancy]

Ladies I am sorry you are hurting. Please know I go through all the same emotions you do. If I allow myself to go into that dark place in my head where I think about what was missed and what could have been I am overwhelmed with grief. I am not good at detaching and PatriotsGirl I understand how hard this is for you. I have yet been able to kick my difficult child out and make it stick. I have panic attacks when she is gone for a couple days.

I read the comments my difficult child puts on her fb wall too and want to ask her how it's working for her, but she would say "fine". Most of them have to do with having no regrets and living life. I've never understood the no regrets things. I have many regrets in my life. It's how I change the negative things that are not working for me. It's how I make amends to those I have hurt. I am often tempted to defriend my difficult child just so I don't have to read her comments and see the druggies she is friends with, but then I am afraid.

Toughlovin you are in a better place than I am. I want so much to detach and understand that she is making the choice to live her life like this. But then I think about her faulty wiring and the fact that she doesn't think like we do and I worry so much for her future. I have always been a fixit kind of person. Long ago one of my bosses said he would not take "can't do it" for an answer and that for every problem there is a solution. I guess I've lived my life that way and it's hard to not try to fix her.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh, I am not friends with her on Facebook. But, she hasn't made it so her wall is hidden so I can read but I cannot respond...now that I have blocked cell phone use and she is not responding to my texts (though I can see when they are read and she is has read them), it is the only clue I have that she is still alive. I hate this. I hate that my love and worry for her is consuming my entire life right now...

 

[HaoZi]

My mom was super-paranoid, and the house we lived in had not just knob locks and a deadbolt, but also a chain that required a key if you were trying to get in (and this way you could also lock the chain on your way out the door) AND a key-lock screen door. You could also add an alarm system, even one that doesn't call out but just makes a lot of noise if a door or window is opened.

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy I am currently in a better place partly because my son is in a better place. i know that desperate worry and how it takes over everything else. I have been there. I see things more clearly right now because I am not desperately worried right now. Right now he is doing well and is sober. I don't really know that from him as he does not keep in touch all that much but I do hear from his therapist and yesterday got an email from the woman running the halfway house. So that helps.... and he is not here at home.

PG I am glad you are going to a meeting. I feel your pain and wish that somehow I could make it better. I really don't think you have a magic phrase that you can say that your daughter will get.... it can't come from you. At this point it needs to come from within her....outside experiences can wake her up and hopefully something will happen soon to wake her up...... do something to pamper yourself.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I reached out to my ex on Facebook - the one whose apartment was burned down due to drug dealing. He has completely turned his life around - he is now a very successful trainer/bodybuilder and so I asked what made him turn it all around. Turns out he went to federal prison for seven years for manufacturing ecstacy. Wow. He said that was his bottom and he spent those seven years bettering himself and changing his life because he wanted change. He also told me there is not one thing I can say or do to fix her. That the best thing to do is set up boundaries and do not waiver. That is what I have done.
I have to admit, it is eating me up inside. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I can't talk about it to anyone because I immediately start bawling. Today she is supposed to go see her probation officer. She will either show up, or there will be a warrant for her arrest. Is it sad that I am hoping for arrest? At least if she is in jail I know she is alive and not using...

 

[toughlovin]

It is not sad that you are hoping for an arrest. You are her mom and you want her to get help and this may be the only way that it will happen. I know when my son was in court for like the 5th charge we knew he might have his bail revoked. I was sitting in court hoping for that to happen, afraid that the judge once again would let him go. Much to my relief on the one hand the judge revoked his bail, on the other hand I almost burst into tears in court watching my son taken away to jail in handcuffs. I was not expecting to feel that but I did. I found it very hard to have him in jail at the same time knowing it was the only thing that was going to help him.... and it did. He is currently sober and doing well. All your feelings right now are totally normal and understandable. I am glad your ex could give you some feedback from someone who has been there! Find some time to have your tears.... and then try to put them away for awhile. It is hard to do I know.