Please help me....

[sunkissedbum]

I have an 18 year old daughter that is due to graduate this week (fingers crossed)!. We have had issues of defiance in the past when she was 14 and sneaking around with an 18 year old, yes..went to the authorities, pressed charges and got a restraining order against him. Then when she was 15, she found another 18 year old and started sneaking around with him...this boy had a previous criminal record and I yet again...pressed charges and restraining order. It's been a defiant roller coster ever since she was 14. The good times were good but boy the bad times are bad. The summer before she started her senior year she met this nice young man who was entering the Marines...she fell in love with him..and withstood a long distance relationship with him during basic training and for the next 10 months...seeing him during his leaves...and everything was going wonderfully....both with him and her interaction with us as a family. She set goals on what she wanted to do when she graduated and where she wanted to go to school and things were really really good in all aspects.
About 3 weeks before she turned 18...things were starting to be different. She was staying up to all hours on the phone and computer. She then told me that she and her boyfriend were on a "break"...and things went downhill fast. I found out that she was cheating on her boyfriend with one of the boys that we had a restraining order against when she was 15....I told her that she has 2 options. To go to college without the criminal boyfriend and she has our total support or to move out if she chooses to be with the criminal boyfriend. He has caused so much disruption in our family....and he is loving all of this!
Am I wrong to withhold support from her if she is with him??? He has a 26 page rap sheet and has just gotten out of jail. Please give me advise!!!!!

 

[nvts]

Hi! Wow! Sounds like you've got your hands full. I'd recommend that you copy and paste this on both the "teens and substance abuse" and "parents emeritus" forums. Yours sounds like a detachment issue, so you might get more responses.

I couldn't begin to quess which would be better! My kids are still small.

Welcome to the crowd!

Beth

 

[Fran]

You will have little choice very shortly.
After 18, she will do as she pleases hopefully, without your support or your home to keep her warm and dry.
There are no police reports or restraining orders to get.
Your daughter has chosen a path that is not a good way to go but at this point it will be her road to travel.
I would want to lock her up and never let her out until this need to date the bad is over. We simply can't do it.

 

[sunkissedbum]

Thanks....I keep looking into the past and self blaming which is so self destructive. Her biofather abandoned us when she was 3 and has no contact with her since 1994. I remarried in 1996....bad move again...alcoholic and verbally abusive....bitter person...divorced again in 2003....now remarried in 2007 to a wonderful man with no biokids and has accepted mine unconditionally....he is just troubled when we don't get the respect we deserve from her. My other 2 children are very respectful and goal oriented. Just my middle daughter...is such a challenge. Even offered her a summer in Italy to "get away from it all" (my brother lives there) and she refused stating it was just my plot to keep her from creepy criminal boyfriend.....my heart hurts!

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and Welcome--

I think you should do what YOU want to do--rest assured, your daughter is going to! I think she is too old and it is too late to "teach her a lesson" by with-holding your support...

If you want to support her--that's OK. If you DON'T want to support her--that's OK, too. But at the end of the day, I think you need to feel good about what you decide within yourself.

Best of luck!

--DaisyF

 

[Andy]

Don't blame yourself. She is an individual who must take control of her life. She is making the bad decisions. Your other kids have made it through well.

My diva has an aweful disrespect of me and seems unhappy alot. I tell her it is because of the choices she has made in life. She told me that if I had made better choices, she would have a better life. NO WAY! You make your own happiness. Whenever you expect anyone else to set up your happiness, you are bound to be unhappy. There are great people that are great because they didn't let life's problems bring them down. Everyone has problems and everyone has the choice on how to face those problems. Do you tackle them or let them grow? Your daughter is looking in the wrong places for happiness. That is not your fault. She knows your view points and some day she will think, "I wish I would have listened. Mom knows what she is talking about." Like my diva, she may purposely being going the opposite way as you have set up for her. Not your fault.

I hope she soon discovers that criminal boyfriend is not what life is about. She is so attracted to his disrespect of rules and his, "I can do whatever I want" attitude. She may have to fall fast and hard before figuring it out.

I know you want to keep that safety net secure for your little girl. Sometimes we have to hide that net, not let them know it is there and allow them to fall deeper than we can handle before they realize the path they are on is not the one they want. You will always want her in your life but she needs to know her boundaries within your life. You can not allow her to treat you like dirt. Send the message that she is not to ask for help unless she can show proper respect. If she really doesn't appreciate your help, you do not need to give it. You are not her slave.

I know how hard it is. I have an 18 yr old daughter myself who has decided that her life is in no way my business but I had better jump when she says so. Ummmm, I don't think so. Like today, she calls me at work at about 11:30, "Mom, you need to go get the jeep for me." "Why?" I have to babysit H's kids and need a car seat to take J." "H's kids don't get home until after school." "K and I want to go for lunch." "Then have K get the car seat or the jeep for you. I have to work 6 hours today." She has to figure things out on her own or go without since that is life basically. I know she can and she can do it without manipulating me into being her puppet.

 

[busywend]

What does 'withhold support' mean to you?

Does it mean move out? You will not feed her? Not allow her to drive your cars? Be very clear about what you are willing to endure.
Is it that you just do not want scummy boyfriend around? Or that she is so awful while dating him that you can not tolerate her anymore?

 

[sunkissedbum]

Don't blame yourself. She is an individual who must take control of her life. She is making the bad decisions. Your other kids have made it through well.

My diva has an aweful disrespect of me and seems unhappy alot. I tell her it is because of the choices she has made in life. She told me that if I had made better choices, she would have a better life. NO WAY! You make your own happiness. Whenever you expect anyone else to set up your happiness, you are bound to be unhappy. There are great people that are great because they didn't let life's problems bring them down. Everyone has problems and everyone has the choice on how to face those problems. Do you tackle them or let them grow? Your daughter is looking in the wrong places for happiness. That is not your fault. She knows your view points and some day she will think, "I wish I would have listened. Mom knows what she is talking about." Like my diva, she may purposely being going the opposite way as you have set up for her. Not your fault.

I hope she soon discovers that criminal boyfriend is not what life is about. She is so attracted to his disrespect of rules and his, "I can do whatever I want" attitude. She may have to fall fast and hard before figuring it out.

I know you want to keep that safety net secure for your little girl. Sometimes we have to hide that net, not let them know it is there and allow them to fall deeper than we can handle before they realize the path they are on is not the one they want. You will always want her in your life but she needs to know her boundaries within your life. You can not allow her to treat you like dirt. Send the message that she is not to ask for help unless she can show proper respect. If she really doesn't appreciate your help, you do not need to give it. You are not her slave.

I know how hard it is. I have an 18 yr old daughter myself who has decided that her life is in no way my business but I had better jump when she says so. Ummmm, I don't think so. Like today, she calls me at work at about 11:30, "Mom, you need to go get the jeep for me." "Why?" I have to babysit H's kids and need a car seat to take J." "H's kids don't get home until after school." "K and I want to go for lunch." "Then have K get the car seat or the jeep for you. I have to work 6 hours today." She has to figure things out on her own or go without since that is life basically. I know she can and she can do it without manipulating me into being her puppet.

Andy...thank you so much...you just reinforced what I know that I should do...Not that I am glad in any means that someone else is going through what I am...but it is so nice to know that there is support out there. I checked on grades yesterday......and she will graduate this week! One positive note in this sea of uncertainty....Thanks again

 

[nvts]

Hey Sunkissed! Just a thought. Since she's graduating, why not a mom & daughter out to lunch day? Maybe if the two of you sit down, get a couple appy's and a burger and just talk. High School graduation brings in a whole new perspective on things. Let her talk. Let her spell out her plans, don't interject with what you think - I know that's tough - but sometimes saying things out loud to your parent, quietly make us start really, really think about how stupid we sound.

Just sit back, in a neutral setting (that's why I suggested lunch) and let her "spell it out for you". After she's done, ask her how she plans to finance everything. Nod your head, "uhuh, uhuh,uhuh!". Then tell her how interesting it sounds, then ask her where she plans on living when she's doing all these incredible things. When she says at home, ask her how she's going to pay the rent?

Feel better - you know that hindsite is always 20/20. Don't blame yourself - she didn't come with an instruction manual and if she had, it would have been written in a foreign language - just because fate thinks it's funny!

Beth