Please help with your advice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ladybug47, Jul 27, 2007.

  1. ladybug47

    ladybug47 New Member

    Hello everyone my name is cindy and I really need some advice.
    I have a difficult child 14y son who has numerous diagnosis. Bipolar. anxiety, depression. PTSD, morbid obesity. I'm a single mom for 5 years and also have one daughter 15. When we left there dad he fell apart and was hospotalized which is when he was diagnosis at 8yo.
    When he was in sixth grade he started school advoidance and we got into the court system. They made him ward of the state in my home. I got through that after a year and a half. Now we face this again. I was afraid they would take him away so I sent him to his dads in another county 200 miles away. Now the court will drop the truncy. The problem is dad he is not a good stable father nor good provider. My son doesnt want to be there because his dad has been abusive to me in the past and he remembers that stuff. He is also very hard on my son as he doesnt believe he is bipolar and does not give him his medications. He hates stepmom cause shes the reason we broke up. So he resents her. Its so long and so complicated. Did I do the right thing by sending him there do you think out of fear the state would take him or I'm foolish and he will just get worse??? I'm so confused. scared. sad and my heart just breaks for my son. I have no contril over him here I lost that long ago. If he doesnt get what he wants he rages and destroys everything and anything. He hit my laptop and broke that after just 5 months. Any advive would be gratefully appericiated. I just feel very lost and guilty.
  2. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I'm not sure I have much as far as advice, but I wanted to welcome you to the board. I'm sure more will be along shortly to offer up some great advice. You have found a great group of people that are a wonderful support.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi Cindy, and welcome to the board.

    Wow, sending you big hugs. Your mommy heart must be hurting very bad right now. We know how it is here, you found a warm and caring place.

    It sounds to me like your son is miserable at your X's place. It also sounds like you placing him there is a temporary fix. I get why you did it, and you sure are between a rock and a hard place. In my opinion, he should be back home with you, and dealt with that way. I know that hurts to hear. Of course, that is just my take on it. There will be other wise warrior moms along in the morning. Hopefully someone will have some experience with this type of situation. You will get lots of good advice and tons of support here.

    Prayers for you and your family.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Welcome to the board.

    Does your son have an IEP in school? The school avoidance can be addressed in it. My difficult child has school phobia, so I know what you're dealing with in that regard. Do you know why he's refusing to go to school? Is the truancy officer/court aware of your son's mental health issues? Could you get your psychiatrist (psychiatrist) to speak on behalf at your son at the court hearing, or supply written documentation of your son's condition?

    I agree with BBK, that sending him to his dad's is a temporary fix. I understand the fear that drove you to this decision, but if he is bipolar and not on medications, it's only a matter of time before he hits crisis level.

    I'm glad you found us. There is a lot of support to be found among the parents on this board.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome, Cindy. You don't say where you are - I'm presuming the US because you're talking about "another county 200 miles away".

    If you were in Australia, I would be asking why he's not in Distance Education. It's a state-based alternative to school attendance in mainstream setting, like a bridge between mainstream and homeschooling. Surely there are some options available where you can ensure his education, while permitting him to stay away from a school environment? The court system should see that this isn't normal truancy. I'm amazed they would leave him with a father who refuses to acknowledge a hospital-acquired diagnosis, and who refuses to medicate him.

    There is a lot of information here and a lot of help. Someone with more specific experience in your situation will be around soon, I'm sure.

  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome! Glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

    What medications is your son supposed to be taking? The reason I ask is that we've found on this board that many kids diagnosed with BiPolar (BP) are actually prescribed medications that make them worse, not better.

    Again, welcome. You will find a lot of support here.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm bipolar. The right medications can make or break you. Is he on a mood stabilizer WIHOUT a stimulant and antidepressant? Both stims and antidepressants can cause bipolars to be unstable, even with a mood stabilizer in place. I don't think you did the wrong thing. I hate CPS, fear them to death. I probably would have done the same thing.
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hi there. I can understand fully your sending your son away. in the past few dys I toyed with having my son leave and move to another state with relatives to go underground to avoid jail he will be facing again.
    of course I will make my son stay here if possible and face the consequences.

    while your son is at his dad's call your home school and see if they do indeed have alternative school or what an IEP could offer. you may be able to meet with the guidance office while your son is at dad's. in summer they have more time to talk.

    if he is not respectful to you, perhaps being at dad's will give you both enough space to rest up from the situation. he will know how good he had it with you and is old enough to speak up if he doesnt like the dad's world.

    hard as it is, your son needs to know he cannot rule the roost. then again, abuse it not the answer. he is abusing you at this point.

    if you have a legal custody agreement, it should include the stipulation that your son be given his medications. then again, were the medications helping him?

    I think I would be tempted to lay low for a bit, recuperate. he will be sent packing back to you soon enough it seems. I still would gather school info while he is gone.
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! I don't know what state you're in, but you need to find a child/parent advocate. These are primarily people who have been dealing with the various systems (legal, Child Services and Education) and have the knowledge to help you. These are mostly free and you can Google them by typing in "parent advocates and the name of your city/state.

    These people can help you with any of the many situations that you've been subjected to and should be able to give you more info than trying to reinvent the wheel yourself!

  10. ladybug47

    ladybug47 New Member

    Thank you all so much for the welcome support and advice. H e was on lithium risperal and abilify. They semmed to help but not the perfect soultion. Thats the problem I live on nebraska and I cant make the school understand his avoidance. I have fought for 5 years for level 3 placement but they will not do that. They'd rather call him trunant and go through the courts. I hate this freaking omaha public school systems are terrible! Yes he had an IEP. He doesnt like school because they tease him terribly and call him names and say he stinks etc. He showered every morning. Kids are mean and he cant tolerate that it would make him rage and he didnt want to hurt any kid. He had felt before like hitting them but refrained. Somedays i think he just didnt wanna fight the battle. Why cant they understand that? Its all just a lack of knowledge I'm sure. I tried to teach them but they felt more like I was adding to the problem or excusing Occupational Therapist (OT). He is a nice senstive boy with a huge heart. He is currently losing weight and trying really hard. Dad and I dont see I to I no. I have no funds for help or lawyers. I just filed bankruptcy last week. His dad is now saying he's going to calif to work when we just got him enrolled there sigh I just wish God would give me an answer on what to do. Until then I will keep breathing....
  11. oceans

    oceans New Member

    I know that where I live, you can file papers at the magistrates office that makes you not liable for a child not able to go to school. There is also a home bound program, and we did that for awhile. See if there are forms that you can fill out for that. With a letter from a psychiatrist he might be able to go half days. The school needs to work with you on finding a solution that will work. If their school cannot provide him with the services he needs, they need to find one that will....or you can find one and present that to them at a meeting. Find an advocate. Sometimes you can find free support in the area you live. It does not sound like living at your ex's is the best option for him, especially if he refuses to acknowledge him mental illness, and give him medications. Contact your state NAMI, and they can help you.
  12. lynnp

    lynnp New Member

    I don't have anything to add, just welcome and I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'd also encourage you to get counseling for yourself, the waiting lists are long but there are free and sliding scales at most places. Does NAMI help with situations like this?
  13. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Parent advocates are usually free. I did a search and found "" and "". You have nothing to lose by calling these and asking flat out "does this cost anything?" The 1st one - PTI- says right on its website that they do not charge. Most of these organizations are state and federally funded and CANNOT discriminate for any reason (least of all for the almighty dollar!!). Call them: at least you'll have the peace of mind that you exhausted all of your options (and not just yourself!!!!) :)

  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I did move my difficult child to her father's for a period of one year. She changed school districts and I saw as often as I could - during cheerleading season that was daily. She hated it at dad's, too. He was 'mean' to her. What she really was seeing was the differences between a dad and a mom. She was used to the mom way of parenting, but never really had the true dad parenting experience - just Disney Dad before she lived with him.

    She did beg me to come back to live with me. I told her there was nothing to be changed for a period of one year. When that year was up - she had improved at school, was must more respectful to me, things were better for sure.
    I moved to her dad's town and we began splitting time 50/50 - it works so well. She tried to change it all the time, but in reality she is happier now than she has been all her life. She has admitted to not being able to be around either parent for longer than she currently is - maximum 3 days.

    Don't feel horrible about your son being at dad's - it certainly must be better than him being in a strange family to him.