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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 206541" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Hi, </p><p>Sorry you're having to go through this. But welcome, you have found a good place here - lots of good people who have lots of experience to share and lots of support to offer. </p><p></p><p>It sounds, from what you've written, as though your son is manipulating you with his claim of having lost a job opportunity due to not having a cell phone. His disrespectful attitude toward you and the $800 bill he ran up shows a need to take responsibility; you absolutely did the right thing in cutting him off. He'll have no trouble letting his friends know how to reach him, so he can figure out how to be accessible for jobs. </p><p></p><p>I think the big issue now is that your son does need to 'figure it out for himself'. You say that he's constantly arguing and screaming at you; that he blames others and won't take responsibility for his actions; that he's dropping classes and hanging out with friends who may be trouble. As long as you try to solve things for him, take his verbal abuse, and take the blame for his choices, he will continue to do these things and the crises will get worse. If you can step back and let him take responsibility for his own actions, several things will happen. He will be angry with you for not being his scapegoat anymore. He may get into worse trouble (his choice) or he may decide to go to class, find a job, and get on with his life (also his choice). He will likely try to manipulate you into continuing to solve his problems and be his scapegoat because that's been his pattern for a considerable time. </p><p></p><p>However he responds, it will be his choice and his responsibility. You have taught him everything he needs to know, but at 18, you can't do it for him. It's his turn. </p><p></p><p>You can choose to step away from the chaos and get on with your life - your work, your husband, your activities. You can still care, but you can't control what your son chooses to do. If he makes bad choices, let him own them. If he makes good choices, you can support his efforts (as long as he's doing something, not just saying he wants to change). You can and will continue to love him and want him to succeed. It's just that success is up to him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 206541, member: 2884"] Hi, Sorry you're having to go through this. But welcome, you have found a good place here - lots of good people who have lots of experience to share and lots of support to offer. It sounds, from what you've written, as though your son is manipulating you with his claim of having lost a job opportunity due to not having a cell phone. His disrespectful attitude toward you and the $800 bill he ran up shows a need to take responsibility; you absolutely did the right thing in cutting him off. He'll have no trouble letting his friends know how to reach him, so he can figure out how to be accessible for jobs. I think the big issue now is that your son does need to 'figure it out for himself'. You say that he's constantly arguing and screaming at you; that he blames others and won't take responsibility for his actions; that he's dropping classes and hanging out with friends who may be trouble. As long as you try to solve things for him, take his verbal abuse, and take the blame for his choices, he will continue to do these things and the crises will get worse. If you can step back and let him take responsibility for his own actions, several things will happen. He will be angry with you for not being his scapegoat anymore. He may get into worse trouble (his choice) or he may decide to go to class, find a job, and get on with his life (also his choice). He will likely try to manipulate you into continuing to solve his problems and be his scapegoat because that's been his pattern for a considerable time. However he responds, it will be his choice and his responsibility. You have taught him everything he needs to know, but at 18, you can't do it for him. It's his turn. You can choose to step away from the chaos and get on with your life - your work, your husband, your activities. You can still care, but you can't control what your son chooses to do. If he makes bad choices, let him own them. If he makes good choices, you can support his efforts (as long as he's doing something, not just saying he wants to change). You can and will continue to love him and want him to succeed. It's just that success is up to him. [/QUOTE]
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