Please help!!!!

[cherrer3]

I have no where else to turn, so I will take any advise I can get.
I am a mom of 3 boys
JOSE-12
Alex-11
Jared-8
ALex is a gifted child who won the citizens award for the 6th grade-He is in REACH (gifted program) -never gives me problems
Jared is athletic and a joy for his teachers at school.
Now comes Jose----He has been on adhd medication since PreK. He is also on an anti-depressent. He has a learning diorder(digraphia) and has been dianosed with ODD
He stays in trouble ALLL the time, and cause our house to be in constant caos. If he gets one more displine referral at school he will be expelled permently. He punches walls, kick things, steal from family members, and is always starting arguments. If you tell him it is raining-he will argue you down and swear it is sunny. He always has to have the last word. Do not know what to do any more. I totally lost it with him this morning and slapped him across the face (only to make matters worse) I have started having anxiety attacks and am now taking medication for this myself. Does anyone have advice....before he ends up if jail or I end up in jail for child abuse!!!!!!

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi, welcome to the board. Sorry you had to find your way here.

First of all, breathe! We have all felt the way you are feeling, most of us when we found this board...lol. You will find lots of people here who have walked in your shoes and can offer advice and a shoulder to lean on.

Now for some questions.

Who diagnosed you son? Has he ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist or by a multi-disciplinary team to look for all possible problems? Are there any possible psychiatric problems in the family tree? These might not be diagnosed problems but could be people who had difficulties in their lives with alcohol or drug issues or depression or have been socially awkward. Did your son meet his milestones on time as an infant and young child? How does he do with his classmates and peers?

While ODD can be a stand alone diagnosis, most times it just describes a set of behaviors that can be part of another diagnosis. Maybe he is frustrated because of his Learning Disability (LD)'s. Maybe he has something else going on. I would seek another opinion if you can to see if there is anything else at play here.

Hang in there and know that we understand.

Oh...and please create a signature something like the one I have below. It helps us keep everyone straight. I get quite confused!

Again...welcome.

 

[DDD]

Glad you found us.......sorry you needed to. I'm sure you want a magic solution as you're at the end of your rope. Unfortunately there is no quick solution. He needs a full evaluation so you will know what his problems are and get some guidance. The full evaluation also will get the school to work with your family finding accomodations that will allow him to stay in school.
If his behavior is known to be "a manifestation of his disability" the school must provide a better environment for him and can not expel him.

Have you had any professional help with his issues? I hope so. If not, now is the time to reach out for that help. I'm sending supportive thoughts your way. DDD

 

[busywend]

Welcome!

Does he have an IEP at school? If so, they can not expell him. The school district is legally reponsible for educating him, so what is their plan if he is expelled?

I totally understand that arguing it is sunny on a rainy day scenario - UGH!

 

[Star*]

Cherrer3 -

Hi there!

Welcome to the board. I kept chuckling to myself ----"AH but she got 2 out of 3 she should get a cookie." ( you'll come to find out later I'm the serious one in this family)

Jose should just behave like the other two huh? I mean you have three kids and two of them listen to you pretty much as you parent them right? You tell the other two "You do this." and they do it. Then comes the tornado child. Argumentative, aggressive, agitating, angry..and that's just the A adjectives. So what is different with him?

In your head (just guessing) you have probably made yourself near nuts trying to figure out from conception to now what you did differently. Lord knows I did. I sat and thought....Did I eat Nutra sweet? Have a glass of wine the day the part of his brain developed that is his behavior -nope didn't drink. (slap head) THE MICROWAVE - I used a microwave once. Then what did you feed him as an infant, where did you live? Was it the power lines, did he sit too close to the TV? Was it his inoculations? My list went on and on and I really made myself crazy. Truth is no one knows. Some of it's genetics, some of it's what my psychiatrist called mapping, and I think some of it is non-effective communication from parents that are just frustrated daily and worn out with nothing nice left to say. (Ahhhh ha)

So, you do parent him differently. (lightbulb moment) See, I think and looking back I know that I spoke to my son in a manner that just did NOT get through to him. I could speak to the other son and it was like "Okay...no problem." We took him in when his home life was miserable and drug addled. His Mom couldn't deal with him (so she said). But for us? Piece of cake. Why? I guess maybe I wasn't tired of his behaviors. But with Dude? OMG every day, every day every day, in my face, every day, he would argue with a brick wall that it was made of feathers and WIN. How? No idea. But it makes you tired, and you eventually do one of two things as a parent. You either give up or you start fighting back on their level without even realizing. Eventually you're reduced to not effectively communicating and......they win. You are exhausted, defeated and don't even know how you ended up on anti-depressants or in the ER having a stroke.

There is a way to parent a child like ours.....it take a lot of practice, self awareness, you have to be taught how to do it. I'm sorry I didn't learn how to cope and communicate effectively SOONER....but it's never too late to learn and I'm still learning. And the #1 thing I have learned is that each one of my kids? Needed to be parented differently. They all learned differently, they all loved differently, they all thought different things were funny....they all liked different things. So what was wrong with learning to communicate with them differently? I just didn't learn that soon enough with Dude to make a great impact on his life. Instead I yelled, and got frustrated.

My suggestion would be to take the advice you have gotten from above because these ladies know what they are talking about. You do need an IEP and for him to be evaluated, BUT don't leave yourself out of the loop when you are considering part of the treatment because this is a lifetime commitment to Jose and his and your families well being. To think that a doctor or pill or diagnosis will fix it? Selling yourselves short. Start seeing the entire picture. It's a family thing. Get into therapy and start asking about effective communication and get your hands on every book you can on learning HOW to do this.

How to talk to children so they will listen and how to listen to children so they will talk. Is a book they should give to people in kindergarten....or before you even think about getting pregnant for sure. you can get it through this web site (helps with the cost of running the site --nice plug for the site huh?)

But seriously----WElcome.....and keep coming back for help.....and to just vent....and know you aren't alone. We're a good group. And we're glad to have 3 more nephews. WE don't have a Jose yet.

Hugs
Star

 

[dadside]

I'll add my welcome!
Since your son has a learning disorder, he should have an IEP, and given the diagnosis of ODD, there should be Behavior Intervention Plans as part of the IEP. If he has no IEP, ask for one - in writing, to the principal - as soon as possible. (There is more detailed advice on the point elsewhere on this board, though I forget where just now.) If there is no BIP, write asking for the appropriate evaluation to include one in his IEP. If he has an IEP, particularly with a BIP, they can't expel him for his behavior. Period.
If there is no IEP, the written request for one will put "hold" on any threatened expulsion until the IEP process is completed - and it seems clear he is entitled to a program that will help him and assure an appropriate education.

 

[Star*]

I also wanted to add that I'm NOT criticising your parenting methods...it's just this one kid needs a different approach. Up to now? (If you think about it) Whatever you've been doing, hasn't been working - so don't take it personally -

AND....as far as the IEP and BIP and things of that nature, another tip? THE MORE you educate YOURSELF on the legalities of your sons educational rights inasmuch as what the school and the district can and can not do (belive me they will try to push him around and you too) the better off both Jose and you are going to be. This is what we call Warrior Mom. If you're not sure? Ask. There are no silly questions here. When it comes to the education system...there are a lot of silly things they try to do...thinking they can get away with it. You just have to let them know you have about 1200 people that are very versed in SPED behind you going....NOPE...not going to happen....here's why---case and point...

 

[ML]

OMGosh what Star wrote perfectly describes what I attributed my son manster's issues to over the years before arriving at a place of acceptance. I think that stuff becomes even more magnified when you have an "only" because you assume it's all your fault, or something you delude yourself into thinking you had control over. Finally I guess I came to accept I'm really not that powerful, my intentions were always good and I'd have to stop asking "why" and concentrate on what I could do. Like Star said, you meet them where they are.

Anyway, I know I'm hijacking and I apologize. Star just triggered some memories there and I couldn't resist. I'm so glad you found us and sorry you had to. Welcome!

ML

 

[KTMom91]

Just wanted to add my welcome.

 

[flutterby]

Wanted to add my welcome.

Star...the serious one? *snort* (Star spends a lot of time in the corner.)