Please help

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Shan, Jan 4, 2015.

  1. Shan

    Shan Member

    I have 4 kids 26, 23, 21 and 18 I am at the end ready to just run . My 18 will walk by me flip me off, say f$$$ y&$&, get the f&$$ out of my room. Your annoying me , your a :censored2: you name it it has been said. I have problem with the way other ones talk to me but nothing like 18 year old. He can be nice and when needs advice comes to me etc . He will say take a joke. I think what is the hardest part is I'm so alone . My husband said I'm not innocent and will sit right there and say nothing. The. 18 yr old threw phone at me bc I said something about gb . My. 21 year old went off on him . But it still hurts . I don't even bother telling husband any longer bc I assume he thinks I deserve it. Don't get me wrong I will take so much and blow. Of course I bag him about hw and grades or room being a mess or lifting toliet seat etc . And I also have said no you f$$$ off! I regret it but I just snap from it all . I get ignored when ask. ? . Just recently I went to my moms for week when I got back all 3 of them 18,21 and husband said it was quiet without me here etc. They say they are joking but it hurts . I know it is verbal abuse but I try consequences and my husband just let's go. I don't know anymore what to do. I am all alone and I feel like odd man out. Please some one if you have Any advice please share
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Thanks for coming.

    This lady was in General and I invited her here, hoping you folks would help her out.

    Shan, you may want to give more history on your family. You don't have to, but the more you tell us, the better handle we have on what is going on and it may help us give better feedback. When did this start, how about your older kids, do you pay your son's expenses, does he go to school or work? What about the 21 year old? Has your husband always been this way toward you? My first husband was very verbally abusive. It took me seventeen years to finally file for divorce because of my kids and lack of family support. I finally realized I deserved better treatment than he gave me, but it was still very hard to do. I'm glad I did it. My husband now is a doll and my life is really good, but it took me feeling as if I deserved a good, peaceful life to actually get there...

    Has your son ever been evaluated when he was a child? How long has he been this way?
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Four kids... all sons?
    It shouldn't make a difference but... it does.
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Shan, that sounds like such a tough situation. I hope you will share more of your story.

    It goes without saying that your 18 year old should not be talking to his own mother that way or throwing things at you, under any circumstances.
  5. Shan

    Shan Member

    My husband thinks I'm crazy bc I suffer from depression. My 18 yr old has nothing wrong with him he is just a brat. Yes we pay 18 yr old expenses. My 21 year old just has comments but 200 percent nicer than 18 yr old . 18 yr old goes to college we pay for. My 21 yr old works construction and is in national guard . 22 and. 26 are girls. They aren't bad. My husband thinks that I need to lay off them and not nag. But when I need to ask 100x I'm going to get pissed. They do here my husband and I fight when he talks to me that way . Sometimes my husband will say he talked to 18 yr old then I see the text message to him that says. " just don't be mean today to your mom please I can't protect you forever' really what's that suppose to mean? No it should have said cut the crap or you can leave. There's been times when 18 yr old and I are great but you just don't walk down the stairs and flip your mom offs. Yes I know he thinks funny but it hurts and I get told to take a joke. He got bad at 16 bc he was only one her bc my son was at boot camp and his dad started being more friend to him . Heck he is friends with all if them. I don't know what to do. I just want my husband to band together get on same page but of course I shouldn't tell him to do this or that ( 18. Yr old ) I should say you have 48 hours to clean your room . I'm so tired of my husband trying to mske me think I deserve this bc I nag 18 yr old. But come on you can only take so much.
  6. Shan

    Shan Member

    Oh my husband akso tells me respect is earned. Really ??? I know that but he is meaning I have to earn their respect . I finally said tonight , your moms nasty and you would never talk to her like that. He said she is 72 and old.... I'm serious the way his mind works drives me nuts. I'm sorry I was raised of my mom told me to jump to say how high. It's like 18 yr old doesn't care bc he isn't afraid of me what so ever he knows if I take something away he will get right back. I have actually not talked to him for a month and he doesn't care. I'm just tired of it and I don't know what to do bc I made appointment for family counseling and was told to have fun with that he isn't going.
  7. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    Have you asked your husband to go to counseling with you? On second thought, are you in therapy for your depression? I'm wondering because a good therapist would be able to coach you through taking your power back. I believe that, in a way, we teach other people how to treat us, by what we allow.

    A good starting point would be to read the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. It might get your thought processes started around taking back control of your own happiness and not allowing yourself to be mistreated like you are.

    Keep posting. We're here, and it does help. There is much wisdom and experience here.

    Hugs to you.
  8. Shan

    Shan Member

    I have been to counseling before and my husband likes it better when I'm depressed bc I'm weak. When I'm good and strong he hates it. He said he would go to counseling but I had to say so they could explain my illness . I know they can help me but I feel if he isn't in board it won't help. Like he always blames me for this or that. It's my fault etc. So I don't care what counselor says he will argue it with me as he did before. In his mind as he states life's not that hard so whatever I gotta do to get thru. Everything he blsmes on depression or pms . He is so good at it he actually has me wondering if it is my fault . Lol weird right?
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your husband and son sound mean.

    Have you thought of leaving him? I have a serious mood disorder and I'm strong with the battle scars to prove it. Your husbands sounds as if he enjoys making fun of you, which is a form of sadism. Have you ever considered that maybe the problem is him, not you? As for son, I would have a big problem with a grown child who talked to me that way yet lived in my house. I'm not sure what I'd do, which is why I couldn't say so in my first response. We are all different. I am pretty sure that I'd probably file for divorce and get out of the situation. But it's not as easy as it sounds, I know. Like I said before, I was married seventeen years to a man who was verbally abusive to me and I didn't even know he was verbally abusive. I thought he was right about me!!!

    Can you go back to counseling? Something is very wrong in your family dynamics and I truly don't think it's you. It would probably help you to learn new ways of responding and reacting to your husband and son if you are going to stick around. But you don't deserve that kind of garbage. Do you work? If not, it may be a good idea to get a job and start stashing money away. Your husband is not your boss. You can do what you want to do.

    If you aren't treated with respect, perhaps t hey can cook their own meals, clean their own laundry, vacuum, etc. etc. etc. I'm just reaching here, but you are not obligated to do anything for your husband or your now adult sons. Nor do you need to listen to your husband or son abuse you.

    I'm glad Mr. 21 is better than his brother, but I take it he is still abusive. Why does he still live at home anyway? He can move out. He has a job.
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2015
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    You're son is mirroring your husband's treatment of you. I have no advice except to say- stay with the counseling, find strength and learn to disengage. Your kids are grown, it's now your turn to choose your life's path. There is no reason to decide ASAP, take the time and the counseling to decide who you are & where you are going and the steps to get there. It's your time now
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You may want to go to a Domestic Abuse Shelter. The counseling would be free and you'd get a lot of help and direction and they help anyone who is abused, and it doesn't have to be physical abuse. I just thought of this.

    As Sig said, take time and plan. You have a right to a good life that you control. Nobody should be able to control you or should even WANT to control you.

    Please...go for help. You don't have to tell your husband about it. In fact, since he is how he is, I wouldn't, if it were me.
  12. Shan

    Shan Member

    It's funny before my 21 went to basic my husband was up his butt coaching baseball . It was me and the 18 yrvold always I took to practice . When my oldest went to basic my husband started coaching 18 yr old team. It's like he molded boys into mini versions of him. My 18 yrvold was never like this before. I don't work we own our own business so financially is be fine . . My 21 still lives here and gives us. 500 a month to save do he can buy house next year. My oldest daughter did that and bought house at 23 . My 22 year old lives 40 min away snd goes to school
  13. Shan

    Shan Member

    I have counseling appointment made for Thursday . It's been rough couple of years. I think my 18 yrvold has gotten worse bc he lost his best friend not making excuses but it's like he has changed more. His best friend died of caffiene overdose in May 4 days b4 graduation
  14. Shan

    Shan Member

    My husband already knows. I planning and if no one will go I'll go byself and learn how not to react . I've tried the no cleaning cooking etc and doesn't work . My husband honestly feels the mean one. I don't know mb I am , I font think do though . I admit I hold it in then blow but it's like I have so much resememy towards him . We hardly talk but he thinks are marriage is fine . I got 3 spots this week thinking about going bsck to my moms for 2 weeks
  15. Shan

    Shan Member

    I do hate auto correct lol
  16. Shan

    Shan Member

    I guess I just think it will never change if my husband cant parent along side of me. . I'm just do over sll this crap that I wsnt just to go . It's just very hard being up against 3 . Yes my 21 year old usually stands up to them for me but he sometimes has. Comments as I said
  17. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    I agree, Shan, that domestic abuse shelter and the support and guidance they can give you may be your lifeline. You do not deserve the way you are being treated by your husband and son(s).

    I was in a relationship once with a narcissistic sociopath, and he nearly had me convinced that there was something (okay, lots of things) wrong with ME, until I was able to walk away from him and get enough distance to really see it for what it was. They can "gaslight" you SO WELL (make you think that what you think is happening isn't what really is happening) that you think you're the one who's crazy.

    Of COURSE the marriage is fine, FOR HIM. Because he's getting exactly what he wants. But your situation sounds miserable for YOU, and YOU matter more. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you don't allow it to continue. You will need a lot of support, though, to change it, which is why I think MWM's suggestion to covertly get some guidance from the professionals at a domestic abuse shelter is a very wise one.
  18. Shan

    Shan Member

    You described him to a t. I have counseling appointment Thursday morn for myself . So that's a start. It's funny though if the kids have problem they come to me. Not h. Kinda funny bc I'm mean one. I think deep down they know they are wrong . Bc when his dad was dying and he stayed at moms to help for a month it was great here. The boys were great. I don't get it. Or if I'm alone with boys they are totally different. I don't understand . Maybe one day I will.
  19. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    Sounds like you've recognized the problem and are ready to start helping yourself. Good for you. You might also want to check out this website and see if any of it resonates: If you have any insecurity, any self-doubt, any feeling of inadequacy—and who doesn’t—a sociopath will find it. Your weakness is their opportunity. They never hesitate to exploit a vulnerability.
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Shan, I'm glad you're here. You're receiving good support from our warrior moms here. I agree about continuing with your counseling, it will help you to learn to respond differently. I was just on FB and saw the following blurb and thought about your post, here it is: