Please, Higher Being, tell me...

[wakeupcall]

Linda, you, of all people, understand how valuable this board is to us members. Thanks. I have no where else to go....even husband doesn't understand. He called this morning at 5:30 AM and I didn't blast him with it, but when he asked about difficult child I told him what happened. He listened, then changed the subject.

difficult child has been doing SO well for several months and I was so excited. Maybe this is a blip that will happen once in awhile until he's adult enough to perhaps feel it coming on? If this was a common occurance, as I suspect you encountered with Wm and Kt, then more would have to be done. How can I learn not to react? How can I learn to help him through it? How can I let him know I still love him?

I peeked in at him this morning, sound asleep, and I yearn for the little boy we wanted so badly.

Ok, pity party is over. I think I'll have another cup of coffee, get on the treadmill and start a new day.

 

[busywend]

HUGS! Today is a new day and I hope a brighter one for you and difficult child.
Finding a way to stop the meltdown/rage is key. Perhaps you both can find a way together that will help stop the scenario before it gets out of control.

 

[nvts]

Treadmill? I don't know about those things...I feel like my avatar - you know a hamster going in circles. Seriously, I'm glad things have calmed down. I really don't know what I would do, he's probably going to be quite tired and most likely remoresful today. I know that there are tactics to use at this point (with some disorders it's considered the learning curve - when they're rational, helping him figure out the real reason and deciding on keywords or tactics to help him next time).

By the way, you're not the trigger, you're the safe-zone. See, he will have something set him off and as someone else said, they blow up at those they feel safest with - you know, Mom!

:bravo: Don't you feel priviledged!

Also, don't be so tough with your brother about the age thing...I feel extremely guilty - I totally lost track of the days and missed my Godson's 21st birthday. When you're not constantly in the picture, your brain cells get used up with stupid stuff and you sort of lose track of some of the enjoyable ones (like birthdays, small holidays, picking up the dry cleaning, breathing - you know "stuff")!!

Will be thinking great thoughts for you today!
Beth

 

[wakeupcall]

This morning difficult child remembers it all. He remembers jumping on the furniture, he remembers threatening the dogs, he remembers screaming at me. I asked him to explain what happened and he says he just gets angry and it grows and grows. He doesn't know what started it, he just couldn't stop it. I wish I could gain some knowledge from this conversation.

 

[timer lady]

Pamela,

You have gained knowledge from this conversation - now you must break it down & utilize it for difficult child. To the most common denominator if necessary.

With kt frequently, we break down her choices & behaviors to one emotion she may have been feeling. Doesn't matter the emotion - simply doesn't matter what was behind it (for the most part). The in home therapist, PCAs, husband & myself are working on a better, healthier reaction to that emotion.

Most of the time, kt just doesn't know how to express that emotion or put a name to it.

I don't imply it will be easy - it could be a starting point.

 

[Janna]

We had 16 MONTHS of good out of Dylan on the Lithium/Abilify combo and it died.

Curious, aside from everything else, has he had a lab done? What's his Lithium level?

Although the theraputic level is .6 -1.2, depending on who you ask (hospital says theraputic is .6 but Bipolar Child says .8), Dylan doesn't even do well around the .8 mark, Pam. He only responds when he's around 1.0 or higher. He needs the increased dose. If not, the Lithium is not really doing anything for the mania/aggression/anger, whatever. Dylan's the same age as your difficult child, and he's up to 1050 mg a day, probably headed to 1200 mg a day.

I know how draining this is. been there done that more times than I can count on two hands. In all honesty, he is going to get stronger, bigger and things are not going to get easier. Mood disorders don't disappear. medications will always need tweaking and changing. You are going to have to prepare for a lifetime of this with your difficult child. There is no pill or medication that is going to make him good forever. Just isn't there.

I think you should find more help. Find respite. Call MH/MR, get interventions, get Wrap, get a TSS, get someone in home, out of home, school, get people that know what they're doing to help. You can't do it alone. You can't depend on husband to keep your difficult child stable forever by hanging around. We have this thing called life. And you can't live your life this way.

Sending gentle hugs,

Janna

 

[TerryJ2]

Pamela, that sounds very familiar. Most of us moms are the focal point, just because we're the moms.
The fact that he laid down in bed with-you afterward is an indication that he still feels close enough to you to be there. I know that makes it more confusing. During a calm time like that, assuming he's awake the next time (gulp) there is an opportunity to talk to him about his behavior. It will be fresh enough in his mind that he won't deny it and that he'll still be in that remorseful, worn-out mode. You can then tell him, in a very calm, nice voice, that he was very loud and that he scared the dogs and he made you cry. Tell him that he loses privileges for doing that, and that you love him and want to work together with him.
I noticed that you said you'd tried many medications over the yrs. You know that medications don't work alone. They all require behavior modification. What sort of strategies has your therapist suggested? Which ones work the best?
In our house, we've totally stripped our difficult child's room down to the mattress. When he rages, I just stay out of the way. I used to get into it with-him and now I know better.
Luckily, we have bigger dogs--collies--so even if difficult child hits them, they'll have a bruise but not be mortally wounded.
Good luck.
Hugs.

 

[Mrs Smith]

How can I learn not to react? How can I learn to help him through it? How can I let him know I still love him?

This was the hard part for me. We were all out of control at one point because of our personalities. He shouted, we shouted back, he resisted authority, we pushed harder, he dug in further, we upped the ante, etc.... One day I was starting to fall asleep and was partly conscious when he started to meltdown over something. I just sat there half asleep and observed - too tired to react. It was really eye opening. I never realized how much my emotional reaction affected his meltdown.

It never going to be perfect but it's so much better now. My kid lost it last night because I wouldn't let him make a 4th call to his friend (the rule is 3) and he got in my face, shouting and ranting but it never got physical. I just sat there, calmly reminding him of the rule, acknowledging his disappointment and suggesting he go to his room to calm down. He did exactly what I asked, came back out when he was calm and we discussed the situation. He found something else to do and his friend did eventually call him back. This is progress in our house. In the past there would have been physical aggression, property damage, long rages and bad feelings lasting days. I never realized how much I was contributing to the problem. It's really hard to detach when you're being attacked but so worth it in the end.

 

[dreamer]

I wanted to point out that calling 9-1-1 does not necessarily mean calling police. It is a way to call for emergency medical help, too. If you were to have called last nite you could tell dispatch your son is ill and symptomatic----and request ambulance. If he had fallen and was bleeding, you might call them, - if he was having hard t ime breathing you might call them.

DIdn't you say son did better with husband being the one more in charge of him? SOmetimes we have to change off roles in a family unit. For example if the husband usually mows the lawn, it is his chore, but he breaks both arms and legs, it is not uncommon for someone else to have to take on that responsibility. If it is not working out well for you or son for you to be the caregiving parent for difficult child, then, it might need to be assesed to consider changeing that role.

I agree with whoover above was saying do not view this as your son "repaying you" If it is at all related, then it could be he got overstimulated or overtired. But it very well could be entirely unrelated. Symptoms of illness and manifestations of illness can happen any time. Anywhere. around anyone. ANd this is a manifestation of his diagnosis'es. This is why he has medications. SOmething is not right. Please do not take it personal. It is not YOU. It is ILLNESS rearing it's ugly head.

Good luck to you! and hugs!

 

[Steely]

Oh Pamela.........you sound like me when my son was that age! It was horrible, horrible! I did not want to call 911 at all! I still can't do it, despite talking it over with my therapist for 5 years I still can't get my fingers to dial it when my difficult child is in a rage. I don't know what my deal is, but I can relate.

The 2 things I have learned in the past 5 years to do though is one - ALWAYS have a PRN available. In fact when my difficult child went off Seroquel, and I did not have a PRN, I panicked. I asked psychiatrist to come up with one, anything, because I cannot have my 16yo, 6' 2, going off the deep end. One thing she did always tell me in the past is that over the counter Benadryl can be used as a PRN, and I have used that in the past many times.

The other thing that I have done, when I know my difficult children medications are completely off, and he is having a full blown rage like the one you described is talk him down while driving to the psychiatric hospital. I just tell him over and over,
"M. you are obviously really out of control, your medications are not working, it is time to get you some help. M. you really need some help, and I am going to get you that help."
I just say it over and over again until I can get him in the car, and to the psychiatric hospital. One time, I did not actually admit him because he had calmed down so dramatically, but the other 2 times I did. He does get even more upset, when we first start talking about a visit to psychiatric hospital, but in the end he realizes that he DOES need the help, want the help, and seems thankful that I am there to help him get some relief.

I would definitely call psychiatrist today, and tell her that the medications are NOT working like they need to and you need to see her ASAP. Like someone mentioned he needs to have a blood draw for Lithium, and in in my opinion a PRN added, and maybe something else for mood stab.

Hang in there!

 

[wakeupcall]

Janna, the last blood draw he had his level was 1.2. He's taking 900 mg and hasn't grown any lately. He's been on this dosage about three months. I told myself that this is going to happen once in awhile no matter what medications he takes. We have all kinds of behavior mods in place, but they do little good when he's in the middle of this meltdown. Believe it or not, I got him to sit in timeout for part of the three hours, but he yelled and screamed and jumped and took the cushions off the chair, etc the whole time.

He told me this morning that he gets really angry and he can't stop himself. I asked if he could feel it coming on and he said, "Yes.". So we're going to figure what we can do to help diffuse it the next time.

Mrs Smith, I'm sure I don't react as I should. If it didn't start with my dogs, I might do better. He shouts and I shout back. After a while all I could do was sit there and look at him...not believing we're in this place. I've been working HARD on detaching a little. It's hard when he still needs me so much....at age eleven.

He knows that today all fun summer stuff is postponed due to his behavior (especially since he can remember it all). He HAS to help diffuse these types of situations or it's never going to get better.

 

[DammitJanet]

I can tell you as a person with bipolar that when you get into "that place" that nothing else matters to you at that particular moment. You are gone. All rational thinking is done for. You are in a zone where all you can do is follow your emotions.

What we hope for is that with the right medication and therapy is that our brain chemicals dont go wacky too often. We learn to control our behaviors for the most part and we try to control our environments so that we dont put ourselves in situations that we know are going to trigger bad reactions. Of course, that is something that an adult can control. A kid cannot control a situation that they find themselves in for the most part. They cannot say what classes they take or where they go every day. An adult can mostly.

Parents can help a kid out. Watch what triggers them. For me its crowds, stress, the holidays, commotions, too much stimuli, things like that and I will go into a meltdown. Its not pretty.

Im just telling you these things to try to help you understand what is like to be your kid. It isnt easy. If he or she needs to be in a hospital for a short time to get some help to sort it out, then thats ok too. Sometimes that makes things easier because hospitals are calm places.

 

[wakeupcall]

Janet, I value your insight. I try so hard to try to figure out what brings it on. Maybe just husband being gone is enough to push him over. I know he feels very protective whenever husband is gone....like he's responsible for me, although I tell him he's not. And you're right...no matter what I said or did last night, he was wild. The whole thing had to run its course.

Thanks so much for helping me try to understand better.

 

[Momslittleangels]

Pamela:

This reminds me of where I was 5 years ago with difficult child. She had been raging all of the time and I thought it was nothing more than teenage angst. Then the doctor put her on an anti-depressant to help control her anger. When that didn't work, he doubled it and she got even angrier. Finally, we took her to another psychiatrist and he added a mood stablizer and that helped a bit, but she continued some bad behaviors (meeting people from the internet, self-injury, anger, etc).

I finally told myself that she needed more help than we could provide. We went to a psychiatric hospital and went through the intake. They agreed that she was unstable and they allowed her to be admitted. Once she found out she was staying, she kicked me right in the shin (she was 16 years old at the time). We knew we had made the right decision.

They immediately stripped her level of AD down to the bare minimum and added an anti-psychotic to the mix. She was there for a total of 3 weeks (1 week inpatient, 2 weeks outpatient). It did her a world of good and I am so glad she was stablized a bit. Sure, we would get stories from the staff about how she was paranoid and would tell them things that didn't really happen, etc., but they needed to see that in order to help her become stable.

When we take our kids to the psychiatrist for their 15 minute visit, they don't have time to see all of the moods our kids go through - - they see their mood for those 15 minutes, and that's it. It was so beneficial to have the psychiatric hospital view her 24 hours a day and get a good idea of what she is like on a regular basis.

I hope that your difficult child's rage was isolated, since you have had such good progress lately, but be aware that he is at that age where the hormones are going to come into play, and that can create havoc on his system and the medicines he's currently taking. medication adjustments are quite common during these growing periods and I hope you will leave the option open to have him evaluated at a psychiatric hospital if needed.

Good luck!

 

[Sunlight]

I think you have to ignore the rages, take the dogs for a walk and go outside when he rages. perhaps he will rage and follow you down the street, but at least you can breathe some fresh air. I agree with fran, ant always took it out on me most.

 

[busywend]

You know, I remember telling Coookie this once. When you get a good spell - going backwards to a rage is all that much harder. We almost let our guard down and when these moments happen while the guard is down - well, I pictured me looking like the hyena in The Lion King - you know - the goofy one.

Seriously, I think about the only thing you can do better - is be prepared. Keep the guard up (heck of a way to live, I know) and be ready for it when it happens. Decide how best to react and if you are ready you are much more able to determine and control your own reaction.

Still to this day (and you can see what my profile says about my difficult child being an exGFG) I am prepared for the worst. It also makes the good times that much better.

 

[wakeupcall]

I don't believe there could possibly be a more supportive site than this. The outpour of help and understanding here is phenomenal and all of you have gotten me through many episodes over the many years I've been a member here. I'm so glad to be a part of you.

**Heartfelt thanks**

 

[Janna]

Pamela,

The Lithium level can fluctuate even if difficult child doesn't grow and you don't change the dose. If NOTHING changes, the level can still go up and down.

If your difficult child was 1.2 three months ago, that does not mean he's 1.2 now. You should think about asking for another draw.

 

[wakeupcall]

Ok, Janna. He has a medication check on Monday, so I'll ask her if we can do that. I thought once you got it at a therapeutic level, it stayed there unless there was a change like in his weight or something.

 

[wakeupcall]

Thanks so much for your concern. This is the first time that difficult child has had what I call a "real" rage. Mostly I was dumbstruck. He's had episodes before, but since they only lasted 20-30 min., it didn't fit the profile of Bipolar. Of course, I kept expecting it to be over....much sooner than it was. husband is home from his short business trip and we discussed it. difficult child has a therapist appointment. tonight, so I'll discuss it with him to ask his professional help. (He's been in therapy since age 4.) difficult child also has a medication check on Monday (been on medications since age 4, also), so I think I'll insist for a blood draw to see if his Lithium levels are what they should be.

Thank you for your support and your knowledge, MsMagnolia.