Please, PLEASE someone HELP ME!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by OMGWTF, Jan 26, 2011.


    OMGWTF New Member

    I am about to lose my damn mind here! My Bio Son is 13 YO and is 'tentatively diagnosed' as CD/ADD/Asperger's even though since he was about 6 YO, I have heard every diagnosis under the sun for him. He has taken every prescription drug known to man to try and take the edge off his behaviors, some of them would work for a short time, then we would have to try something else. He was taken off all medications about a year and a half ago with mixed results. His new psychiatric. has him taking 10mg of Adderall right now which seems to help curb the behaviors at school. He is still getting crappy grades and whatnot. He has been a difficult kid since he was about two years old when he started displaying his defiant behaviors; it took him finally being hospitalized at the age of 6 for someone to finally take me seriously that something is not right with my son. Since then, he has been in the mental health system. I have a two foot tall stack of paperwork on him as well. I am ashamed to say it, but I felt no choice but to start a papertrail on him to protect myself and my other kids. My son's BioDad is not in the picture and the last time my son saw him was 2004. He has no contact with his BioDad whatsoever, and it's probably for the best.

    My son can be good...when he wants to be. The pattern of behavior I saw unfold over the years was that when a new situation presents itself, it will be anywhere from three weeks to three months before his defiance comes back and he goes off on a nut. Until then, I have gone through so many day care providers it's not even funny. BioSon has been suspended/expelled from every school he has ever attended. He was even expelled from kindergarten for acting like a wild animal and attacking a teacher and principal. He repeated first grade as well. At the start of every school year, I have to pull his teachers aside and warn them about my son. They always tell me 'oh, he'll be OK' and sure enough, in the timeframe of three weeks to three months, they are calling me evety other day telling me that he's suspended from school, to come and get him, he has detention, etc. The only reason he is in seventh grade is because his teachers at his last school last year were so tired of his antics that they went ahead and passed him just to get rid of him.

    My son has been adjudicated through the Juvenile court system and he spent his eleventh birthday in solitary when he threatened to kill me and my daughter with a knife, destroyed his bedroom, and destroyed school property as well. He was placed on probation for nearly two years and removed from my home to go to foster care as well. The first foster family gave him back at the six month mark because they could not handle him as well. He was returned to my custody at the end of the 2009 school year.

    I have a Bio daughter as well, she is eleven. I remarried this past June and now have two SSons (13 and 18 YO) and a SDaughter, who is ten. My husband is in the Army and is currently deployed. I have known my husband for over ten years, we served in the Army together and kept in touch after I got out. My husband is a great guy, but he was skeptical when I filled him in on the craziness I have had to deal with at the hands of my son for all these years. My husband deployed a little over a month ago and he only has one more month before coming home (thank God!) and he doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him that me son has started to go back to his old ways. BioSon called me a 'stupid ***** *****' last night when I asked him to turn off his gameboy that I caught him playing with when he knows that bedtime means bedtime. He flew into a rage, threw the game, busted it and then put two more holes in the wall by punching them. We go to Tae kwon Do every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at the request of BioSon's therapist as a way for him to get exercise and hopefully channel aggression in a positive way, and BioSon really enjoys it, however, he will cut off his nose to spite his face. I cannot tell him that if he doesn't behave, I won't take him to class. He will respond with "That's fine. I didn't want to go anyway!" Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I just leave him at home and take my other kids to class, who knows what BioSon will do when I am gone?! I'd be lucky if my house is still standing! AND HE KNOWS THIS! Am I the only one who is completely at the mercy of their child?!

    And my husband is really not helping. I told him about last night, and his reply was 'I don't get it. He was behaving so good. Why is he doing this now?" BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT BioSon DOES!! I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE!! And then my husband begged me to 'please, don't send him to respite', and to have BioSon call him when he gets home from school, that he will talk to him and straighten him out. husband even went so far as to ask me "what if the girls get removed from the house after you call social services? They will say that we are unfit parents and take the girls!" To which I informed him that if I (WE) don't do something now to head off the impending storm and someone does get hurt, then WE WILL be UNFIT parents and the other kids WILL BE removed from the house! Does my husband not see that him talking to BioSon will only keep BioSon pacified for maybe a day or two? I have five more weeks til husband gets home...WTF do I do to protect my other kids and myself?!

    The MP's will only do so much, and the county mental health services have not called me back so far today. I am dreading my BioSon getting off the bus and coming home in two hours. He is on an IEP for behavior and school performance, and he has a pending case before the military Juvenile Review Board for a fight that he got into with oldest SSon last week. What am I missing here?! Somebody please tell me, because I want to change the locks on the door!
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Hi. Glad you found us, sorry you needed to. I don't have any real advice on the situation other than call the police if you think you need to and make sure they know the call is in regards to a mentally ill teen. There are others here that have been in similar situations and can offer you some advice. If you need to install locks on everyone's rooms get good deadbolts and by all means send the other kids to lock themselves in if they have to. I can only offer you support and *hugs* and say that it can get better, and yes, you have to look at it as protecting yourself and the other kids from him, rather than looking at it as protecting him like your husband sees it.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK... I want to say first of all... Hugs. I do understand. Many of us here have had to deal with violent kids, spouses that were oblivious, and a system that seemed to refuse to help.

    I noticed at the very end that you said that the MPs can only do so much. While that is true - to a point - will they not help with a domestic violence call? because this is exactly what is happening.

    I'm in a "what do I do?" situation, too, and more people will be here with advice. A couple of things that I've learned in the last 2 years... One, yes, you do have to take care of you and your other children. in my opinion? Take him to tae kwon do - but explain to the (sensei? I don't know what they're called) that he won't be participating, and why. Leaving him at home alone is a reward, in a way, for misbehavior. But if he does enjoy it - then he can watch others. It won't be fun for him. Natural consequence, is what it's called.

    Your husband can talk to him, but you know him best. Is he seeing a therapist regularly? Just having a psychiatrist to write scrips isn't enough.

    If the juvenile justice system is involved, then they do have services they can help you and your son with. They won't necessarily take the other kids. Yes, it's a possibility, but not a likelihood - not with your documentation, and his history. I would call and pester the county for help. Be honest with them - but be nice to them!

    Again, more hugs, and more people will be along soon.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, I am sorry you have to find us. Sorry you are in this situation.

    I am also from NC and from some of the stuff you have written, I am pretty sure I am not that far from you. Im in Lumberton.

    If you are living in base housing then I dont know if you can put locks on the interior doors. That may not be allowed. They have so many rules about such things. Plus, him punching holes in the walls is going to get you in big trouble. Can you access any help through that family service thing the army has? I dont know what it really helps with but I have read about it.

    As far as mental health, well, they arent much help anymore. You are really going to have to pester them to get him all the services he needs. It sounds to me like he needs a much better or clearer diagnosis. When was the last time someone actually tested him? I know a neuropsychologist in the Fayetteville area. I can tell you where they are if you want. Shouldnt take long to get seen either. I would advocate for my doctor but I dont think he takes champus or tricare for some reason. But I can give you his name and you can call him and make sure. He is one of the best in this area. And if you are where I think you are...he is in your town.

    Actually...I think the agency that I used to have my therapy and community support and such through has a branch in your town, if that town is what I think it Look up...Community Innovations and see if they are there. They are a mental health agency.

    If I can help in any other way...just let me know.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is he in any way like his biological father. Even if he is not in his life, he spilled out 50% of his DNA into this child and behavior can be hereditary. If ex has his head screwed on wrong and is mentally ill he could very well have passed it along to his son.

    If your son is unsafe, even though you love him to death, I would put him into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). There are other kids at home and what if he does something terrible to one of them? I'm so sorry...we adopted a kid who acted a lot like him and we had to make him leave too. I know it's hard, but what if he claims that you or your hub sexually or physically abused him? Social Services take that sort of thing VERY seriously. And what if he assaults or, god forbid, sexually assaults your daughters? Some kids are too far gone to help from home, and it would not be your fault. Some k ids are wired differently. I would not want this child living with other children...ever. (((Hugs)))
  6. I can only post a quick note, but we are a military family too. Have you been involved in the Family Advocacy Program (FAP)? They can be a help or a hindrance, but should help you deal with some of these issues...Tricare, etc.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    It is time to sit down and write up a safety plan. Who does what when difficult child melts down. How to keep the other kids safe is he is hitting, throwing things, etc... When the other kids shoudl call 911, leave the house, etc....

    Having one of these, written and posted, that all the kids know about, will go a LONG way toward showing social services that you are doing all you can to keep the other kids safe. I will let you in on a badly kept secret. It is HARD to find foster care for kids. They do NOT like to take all the other kids away because then they have to try to find ways to keep them together and housed somewhere. SO the risk of them taking your kids is there, but isn't as big as many people think. Also, the mandate of most social service agencies is to keep families together, or for the best interests of the child. Only in cases of abuse by a parent is it better to remove the kids. So do NOT let that keep you from asking for help/respite.

    in my opinion respite is the least of yoru needs. It is very very important but is only a small part of what your family needs. Have you considered asking to have him sent to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home? Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would give him the best chance of getting help as they could work on his issues and really structure his environment with enough staff to keep him safe. That simply cannot be done in a home. It just cannot. A group home probably would not help his behaviors and problems, but would keep the rest of you safe from him. Safety MUST be the top priority. Regardless of anything else, physical violence should be a call to have him transported to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. This hsould NOT be negotiable, not with husband nor difficult child nor anyone else.

    You should go to a DV center and ask if they can help. They have a wide range of resources, though placement for your son isn't one of them. They can help with the safety plan, and with therapy for you, difficult child, the other kids, and the entire family. It is highly probably that he has done things to your daughter that you don't even have an inkling of. He will likely start with the other kids too, even if they are older. So you may have to get him out of the house for a while if he cannot make safe behavior choices.

    I don't know what resources the military has, but it is worth asking. Janet has a LOT of resources and knowledge in that area, so be sure to check out what she recommends. She can PM you specifics if you have private messages enabled in your profile.

    I totally understand how you feel, and the stress you are under. Many ofu shave been there done that, and we know you are not exaggerating. The period of good behavior when things change is called honeymooning, and it is very very common.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Group homes are shutting down around here left and right, thanks to our current governor. They are pushing all the mental health care back into the communities, saying it can be handled there only they are also tying the hands of the providers at the same time. Its a nightmare down here. It all sounds semi-good on paper but it simply doesnt work and I know that as a consumer. (Thats what they call
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Janet has not only good advice but an excellent handle on these things in NC. Sadly I do not think this is limited to NC, rather it is at least nationwide, if not worldwide. Still, there comes a point when you can say enough and insist that he is too dangerous to live at home. If you are not able to pay for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) by yourself or get a loan to pay for it, you have terribly terribly few treatment options. At the point when you have to save the rest of the kids from him because things are simply too dangerous for him to stay at home, you can turn him over to social services. I do NOT NOT NOT suggest this lightly, nor am I saying that you should go ahead and do it. It is an option that is available. It won't be fun, you likely will NOT have choices for where he goes or if he gets treatment once there. You will have to pay child support based on your income. His father will also have to pay child support (at that point the state will likely help with enforcing support if that has been an issue, but even then they likely won't do much, grrrrrr). It is HIGLY probably that he will be sent to his father's to live unless it can be proven that the man is an unfit parent or he just flat out refuses to accept him. The state will likely search for other relatives who might take him also.

    What really really HOOVERS is taht the few parents I know of who have had to go to this extreme wound up with a TON of services, esp if they didn't immediately let the child come home. Once the child stops honeymooning and starts showing his difficult child stripes the social workers start to actually pay some attention to the reports that the child has problems or is disturbed and doors open. Then if the child is reunited with the parents they still have many of those services. This is infuriating because the entire placement upheaval, etc... could be avoided or eliminated if those services were offered BEFORE a child got to the point that the family had to refuse to let him live at home!!!!

    This an OPTION. More of a last resort when nothing else has worked or is available/doable no matter how hard you work. I don't know if you are at this point or not, no one here can because we don't live with your family. There is no shame in considering this option, and you do always have to keep in mind the effects of the gfgness on the other kids and the family as a whole.

    I ho
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A very sad LOL at Janet being a "consumer." I'm a "consumer" too. Like, yes, I chose and WANT to have mental illness in my life and I'm just going shopping to pick and choose what I want to buy for services...hahaha. I hate calling patients consumers. It's demeans the illness.

    Anyhow, I wish you luck. It's going to be cut, cut, cut across the board in Wisconsin too. I think we are going to have to get more creative and you've gotten a lot of good ideas from some really smart people who know the score.