Matt came out of the womb a total handful. Sensory issues that caused nightmares for hair cuts, hygiene (bathing regularly, changing clothing) and eating (ate about 5 things ONLY until about 7-8 years old). He threw temper tantrums from infancy that would send anyone round the bend. He would kick, hit, slap etc. He didn't respond to parent (adult in generally) guidance about behavior in any way. He refused to accept parenting in any fashion. He was loud, rude, swore and had zero respect for authority. He had no self esteem, thought himself unworthy of praise even if he did something well. You couldn't even say "good job" and he'd melt down. He hated his sister, tried to shove me down a flight of stairs when I was pregnant for his sister (he was only 6 years old) and even tried to turn the steering wheel of the car in traffic to make us crash while i was pregnant, because I forced him into the car to a counsellors appointment. I was taught by professionals by age 2-3 how to restrain him physically for our safety and his own. By age 5-6 he was too large to restrain.
School was a nightmare and he spent grade 2 in a outpatient type treatment program sort of class with 8 students, 1 teacher and 1 counsellor full time in class room. He finished his year there with worse issues than he went in with. He was charged with assault on a student in grade 7 right at school, a week after getting caught shoplifting at a dollar store (he had $10 in his pocket but was stealing a dollar store item) when he ran away from the school yard on a lunch break. He had a racket running to steal dollar store items and re-sell them to kids in the school yard. By age 12 he had a 3 month stint in theraputic foster care after tossing a t.v. from a top bunk of a bunk bed, at his 4 year old sister (that was breaking point). He failed at returning home and ended up spending a few months with his bio dad who tossed him out on his behind on a greyhound bus with one small bag and a one way ticket back to my city to live with his grandmother. That lasted about 6-7 months until he drove her nuts and she got physical with him, a total nightmare. While he was out of the house he crank called me at home, told others I was a crack addicted prostitute who had abused him his whole life and all kinds of other lunacy. He was running out of places to turn, his next resort was going into a group home as a young offender with nobody willing/capable of taking him back into a family home upon release, therefore foster care long term.
He was told by me to face his own consequences, otherwise buck up and earn the right to come back home and be a true part of this family. It took a while and he was digging a bigger hole. Then he realized I wasn't going to save him from his own crazy behaviors, that I was here for him but he needed to join the team of us willing to help him and it was up to him to do the work. I was never living like that again and he could go to a young offender lock up or get his act together and deserve to be back in the folds so to speak.
Literally overnight (after he finally realized this WAS his eventual path if he didn't do something QUICK), it was all over with. He has not had a major problem since. For the past 4 years he's been back home with me. He is respectful to me, S/O and treats his sister well. he participates in family events. He attends school. He has no more loser friends. He is making future plans for college. He is dreaming of his life and setting a high bar for himself. He responds as a teen should to parenting and guidance. His anger and attitude just deflated like a balloon. And suddenly he's this charming young man with the chance at a future I never imagined possible (nobody did really, we knew he COULD but it seemed for most of his life, that he wouldn't). He laughs and enjoys interacting with us. He values family dinners together at the table (Scolds me actually if I want to eat on the fly). He takes his 11 year old sister to the basketball court to teach her new moves, even if his friends are going and it isn't the "cool" thing to do. And nobody, I mean nobody, better give him a hard time or make her feel she has no right to hang out there if he asks her along. He was smoking pot and drinking when he was living with his dad and then grandmother. he has done neither since moving home, but for one time and I busted him right good and after the fall out of that one had faded, he laughingly told me he learned quick that night that he wouldn't be pulling wool over this moms eyes (and he was right lol).
He's still very typical teen in many ways. He LIVES in his bedroom (AKA. The Bat Cave as I call it). His bedroom is a PIGSTY and it can take weeks to get him to clean it. He has zero organizational skills so his room isn't ever tidy even after he "cleans" it. He doesn't want any input on what to choose for post secondary schooling. He thinks he can breeze his way through school and hates that it requires more of him than he wants to give. He does NOT clean up around the house or contribute to chores. It could drive me nuts if I let it. But I don't. I've told him that one day he'll hate being in a pigsty, probably when he's paying the rent and its his own belongings looking nasty and getting damaged. He knows I hate that he won't contribute to chores but that if I DO ask him to do something, it isn't optional. Period. (I stick to having him bring groceries into the house when I shop, cleaning HIS cats litterbox and feeding and watering his cat, and never leaving a mess in common areas so pick up after yourself in bathroom and living room).
Overall? He's a terrific young man and I he can even take my breath away at times with his confidence and poise and goal setting and depth of his interests and knowledge that allow him to interact with adults so well that they forget hes still only 17 year old. My aunt told me after our last family get together that she cried a bit afterwards. She had called her daughter, my cousin, in England and told her about our family gathering and a long conversation she had enjoyed with my Matt. And she was so stunned by him that she literally felt that he was this wise old man in this 6'3" lanky teenage body. She said she hadn't ever felt so proud of a family member and she regretted not telling Matt himself how amazing she sees him becoming. That she told ME completely made this loooooong journey of Raising Matt (see how that seems like a title? lol) worthwhile. All we ever really want for our kids is to see them grow into adults who are capable of being good people, sharing our values, wanting a good life for themselves, appreciating their family and being someone that siblings can look up to, etc. And it took a heck of a crazy ride to get us to this point and I didn't see this ever being the result, yet here we are. And it wasn't counselling, psychiatric doctors, medications, mediation, special programs or classes, punishments or rewards, etc that made the difference for him in the end. In the end, he did this himself. It really does happen.
First I conquer "The Boy Child" (My pet nickname for him) .... Next .... The World
lol
