I am not sure what is wrong with me, but I feel broken. I can't explain it in another way. Like so completely physically and mentally fatigued that I cannot function. I just can't think, it is like I am operating in a cloud. Yet my reality is getting more and more demanding. Matt is in a horrible place, and is having to start the whole program over again. He is acting like a 5 year old, throwing tantrums, losing his mind. I can barely think about it, but it takes all of my energy not to think about it. My boss is leaving Wed., and the company has told me that I just need to do her job and mine for now without a pay increase of course. I combined our 2 job responsibilities together on paper, and guess how long it is? Two full pages, with no spaces. Seriously. It is impossible. They are setting me up to fail. And do you think anyone cares? Nope. They will care when I drop a ball though, and they will come running and screeching into my office to rip me a new one. I just feel like everyone is tugging at me from all angles. My parents are in town, and they want me to get in a boat and meet them on the lake. I guess I will, apparently because I am so numb, that saying no is harder than just doing it. I have these 2 guys that sorta like me, that are driving me insane. I just need to tell them to back off too. I truly believe they only want one thing. Yet every time they call, I come over, and waste a night playing mind games. H's old best friend emailed me this long poem telling me how much she missed H, and how she just wants to connect with someone else who loved H. Remember this is the girl who stole H.'s stuff when she died. And I think I am sick. Both eyes look like they have pink eye, and my throat hurts, and I am unbelievably tired. I know I have not been taking care of myself at all, and I am just completely run down. I know, what a whine, huh. Thanks for listening. I just feel so broken inside, that I can't even find my center to set boundaries. I just keep waking up every day and letting the world sap me of what ever I have left. Which, as each day goes on, is less and less. I just can't believe that this enormous job is being dumped, literally, in my lap. I feel like someone set a boulder on top of me, and walked away. And I can't believe I am entering another holiday season without being able to spend it with Matt. I miss him so much, it hurts. And good God, I just SO want him to be happy. Please God, just help him find his happiness.