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Please share your stories about how you were able to tell your difficult children "NO"
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 614451" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>One of the things to remember when saying "no" is that an adult difficult child child is NOT like other adult children. When you compare yourselves to those "other parents [who] welcome their children home for as long as they need to be there," you are comparing "apples and oranges." Our children aren't in the same category of those who have stumbled in their adult lives and need a little assistance -- we're dealing with a completely different animal (ha). Part of detachment, for me, was learning to stop comparing my kids, and my parenting techniques, to those "other" families. </p><p></p><p>The other part that makes it easier to say "no" for me is to ask myself how well it worked last time I gave in and helped. Did it make a difference? Was my difficult child any better off? Did she take my help as an opportunity to make herself better, or did she just use it as a crutch to limp along until the next crisis came along? Sometimes reminding myself of how it turned out "last time" helps me strengthen my resolve for the next "no." It goes back to that infamous "definition" of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. </p><p></p><p>Some of our difficult children are downright bullies. They're emotionally and verbally abusive. I know mine were. I had to believe that I deserve better treatment than that, and get ticked off about it. The words used to cut like a knife, but I learned that my difficult children words were the ultimate in button-pushing. She knew just what to say to guilt me into giving in. Eventually, I learned to get ANGRY about that button-pushing, instead of reacting like the victim that she wanted me to be. I let my anger strengthen me -- the more she threw horrendous insults at me, the more determined I was NOT to help. </p><p></p><p>Just a few of the things that helped me, eventually. It takes practice, though -- lots of practice. In my case, it was just me -- I didn't have to worry about another parent having conflicting views on the situation. I imagine that makes it much more difficult, and I feel for you there. </p><p></p><p>Hugs. One day at a time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 614451, member: 1157"] One of the things to remember when saying "no" is that an adult difficult child child is NOT like other adult children. When you compare yourselves to those "other parents [who] welcome their children home for as long as they need to be there," you are comparing "apples and oranges." Our children aren't in the same category of those who have stumbled in their adult lives and need a little assistance -- we're dealing with a completely different animal (ha). Part of detachment, for me, was learning to stop comparing my kids, and my parenting techniques, to those "other" families. The other part that makes it easier to say "no" for me is to ask myself how well it worked last time I gave in and helped. Did it make a difference? Was my difficult child any better off? Did she take my help as an opportunity to make herself better, or did she just use it as a crutch to limp along until the next crisis came along? Sometimes reminding myself of how it turned out "last time" helps me strengthen my resolve for the next "no." It goes back to that infamous "definition" of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Some of our difficult children are downright bullies. They're emotionally and verbally abusive. I know mine were. I had to believe that I deserve better treatment than that, and get ticked off about it. The words used to cut like a knife, but I learned that my difficult children words were the ultimate in button-pushing. She knew just what to say to guilt me into giving in. Eventually, I learned to get ANGRY about that button-pushing, instead of reacting like the victim that she wanted me to be. I let my anger strengthen me -- the more she threw horrendous insults at me, the more determined I was NOT to help. Just a few of the things that helped me, eventually. It takes practice, though -- lots of practice. In my case, it was just me -- I didn't have to worry about another parent having conflicting views on the situation. I imagine that makes it much more difficult, and I feel for you there. Hugs. One day at a time. [/QUOTE]
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Please share your stories about how you were able to tell your difficult children "NO"
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