I'm like a moth to flame. I am finding it near-impossible to stop surreptitiously checking up on difficult child. If he leaves a voice mail, I have to listen to it. I mean, I can't *not* listen. Even though I know that a message left at 10 p.m. can only be ugly. I check his myspace for clues. It's never good - he's drinking/seriously drugging. I know this. But I do it anyway and then, surprise, I'm waking up crying at 3 a.m. Stupid stupid stupid. It's just not healthy... and then I go check his stupid website again. I worry when I don't know, I worry when I do. I just ache beyond words that he's in this space and so adamantly refuses to do anything to help himself. I can't talk to him because I always manage to say something that sets him off - could be an innocent comment about the weather but it gets twisted into some criticism of him in his mind (seriously). Then he kvetches at me, hangs up on me, I get spazzed out. It's a vicious ugly cycle. So I don't talk to him, I let husband. How on earth do you find balance?