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Substance Abuse
PLONK! - difficult child came home drunk....
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 48051" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> How come he still gets to drive his car, or gets access to let her drive it for him? Doesn't he owe you for making payments when he was sick and not working? Or did she drive him in her car? (More enabling.)</div></div></p><p>She drove last night, in her car. Things were going pretty well for most of the day, and this is the first time (that I know of) that something like this happened while he was actually with her. Also, he's given me 90% of his first two paychecks, keeping just enough for one tank of gas. </p><p></p><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I believe you do have the right, since he is still a minor, to forbid him to use the car. I believe I recall you saying that the law in your state (Missouri? or Kansas?) requires you to take him back until he's 18, but you do not have to let him have a car or a private room (i.e., take the bedroom door off its hinges). And you could tell them you're going to report the underage drinking next time (and do it). </div></div></p><p></p><p>Lately, he hasn't been driving his car very much except to and from work. He's been with girlfriend the rest of the time - we won't loan him money for gas or fast food any more, since he usually wastes his money on pot and playing taxi to the Pothead Posse. So right now, taking his car away wouldn't accomplish much.</p><p></p><p>Reporting underage drinking in this county would be suicide for our family. The police force here is over-vigilant about some things (like teen alcohol abuse), and too lax with others (like pot smoking). Several parents/families have been crucified here by the police, the media, and their neighbors for teen drinking in their home - despite the fact that it usually happened without their knowledge or consent. Even if I were the one doing the reporting, <strong>we</strong> would end up as the targets of the police, and nothing would be better for my son. So that's not much of an option.</p><p></p><p>Re: emancipation: law here is 18 and "out of school" (dropouts count). We're taking a different route, though, than the hardcore tough-love stuff (didn't work before). Instead, sometime this week he will be informed that he should start preparing for full "financial independance" by the end of this year. What does that mean?</p><p></p><p>He'll be 18 in Sept. Even though he won't have actually graduated, he has progressed enough to graduate mid-term if he chooses to (and passes his classes). He fully intends to hang around for another semester, though, and go back to his original school for the final semester and take "stupid classes". Why waste his time like that? So he can graduate with his "friends" (i.e. the Pothead Posse).</p><p></p><p>If he decides to hang around for an extra semester after he's eligible to graduate, then it's not required and I won't be bound by it. So, by December, he will have fulfilled both requirements for "parental emancipation".</p><p></p><p>The degree of that emancipation is up to him. But he will be warned that by December 31st, <strong>at a minimum</strong> he should prepare to (a) have his car paid off or secure other financing for the balance owed; (b) secure his own, separate auto insurance (not on our policy); (c) get a cell phone in his own name, on his own credit (not on our plan); (d) either get his own medical insurance, or pay for his portion of my health ins. policy (as long as he stays eligible, which means full-time student).</p><p></p><p>And that's just the minimum, assuming he plays by the rules: (a) No drugging, drinking, or other illegal activities while in my house, around my family, or with any of my property, and (b) respect for our family integrity, even if he doesn't consider himself to be a part of that family (reasonable curfews, keep your living area clean, etc...)</p><p></p><p>Beyond that, we <em>could</em> tack on paying rent, paying renters insurance, paying a portion of the utilities, or even asking him to move out completely. It all depends on what he does between now and then. </p><p></p><p>But legally, 12/31 is when his life changes. 'Till then, my options are somewhat limited. After that, how much (or how little) "emancipating" is done is completely up to him.</p><p></p><p>I can, however, say that if he were to choose to try and clean up his act, get into recovery, stay in school, and stop acting like wife and I are the second coming of Hitler, then <strong>maybe</strong> he'll get the same bennies as his older brother (which is pay for your own stuff, we'll help out wherever we can, and we'll help with college or trade school).</p><p></p><p>But I'm done arguing. He has 6 months to make up his mind, and I won't fight any more useless battles between now and then. By the end of the year, he will either start making good decisions, on his own, for himself - or he won't. And during that time, wife and I will put restrictions in place that both protect the remainder of the family while holding out the offer for him to return to the family, should he choose to. </p><p></p><p>But it won't be an angry argument. It will be a simple presentation of facts. He can accept or reject them. I will NOT give him the opportunity to say we heartlessly booted him to the curb, nor will I give him any reason to blame anyone but himself for the state of his life. I also don't want to overtly provoke an ODD meltdown and have him quit the treatment program he's voluntarily going to, just to spite us. </p><p></p><p>If he chooses to continue down this path, then it will be <em>his choice</em> to turn his back on us and walk away (it has always been his choice, hasn't it?). I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm fully prepared for it, should it happen.</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p><p></p><p>(PS: sorry for all the angst - I'll try for something lighter and a little humor tomorrow).</p><p> :salute:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 48051, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> How come he still gets to drive his car, or gets access to let her drive it for him? Doesn't he owe you for making payments when he was sick and not working? Or did she drive him in her car? (More enabling.)</div></div> She drove last night, in her car. Things were going pretty well for most of the day, and this is the first time (that I know of) that something like this happened while he was actually with her. Also, he's given me 90% of his first two paychecks, keeping just enough for one tank of gas. <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I believe you do have the right, since he is still a minor, to forbid him to use the car. I believe I recall you saying that the law in your state (Missouri? or Kansas?) requires you to take him back until he's 18, but you do not have to let him have a car or a private room (i.e., take the bedroom door off its hinges). And you could tell them you're going to report the underage drinking next time (and do it). </div></div> Lately, he hasn't been driving his car very much except to and from work. He's been with girlfriend the rest of the time - we won't loan him money for gas or fast food any more, since he usually wastes his money on pot and playing taxi to the Pothead Posse. So right now, taking his car away wouldn't accomplish much. Reporting underage drinking in this county would be suicide for our family. The police force here is over-vigilant about some things (like teen alcohol abuse), and too lax with others (like pot smoking). Several parents/families have been crucified here by the police, the media, and their neighbors for teen drinking in their home - despite the fact that it usually happened without their knowledge or consent. Even if I were the one doing the reporting, [b]we[/b] would end up as the targets of the police, and nothing would be better for my son. So that's not much of an option. Re: emancipation: law here is 18 and "out of school" (dropouts count). We're taking a different route, though, than the hardcore tough-love stuff (didn't work before). Instead, sometime this week he will be informed that he should start preparing for full "financial independance" by the end of this year. What does that mean? He'll be 18 in Sept. Even though he won't have actually graduated, he has progressed enough to graduate mid-term if he chooses to (and passes his classes). He fully intends to hang around for another semester, though, and go back to his original school for the final semester and take "stupid classes". Why waste his time like that? So he can graduate with his "friends" (i.e. the Pothead Posse). If he decides to hang around for an extra semester after he's eligible to graduate, then it's not required and I won't be bound by it. So, by December, he will have fulfilled both requirements for "parental emancipation". The degree of that emancipation is up to him. But he will be warned that by December 31st, [b]at a minimum[/b] he should prepare to (a) have his car paid off or secure other financing for the balance owed; (b) secure his own, separate auto insurance (not on our policy); (c) get a cell phone in his own name, on his own credit (not on our plan); (d) either get his own medical insurance, or pay for his portion of my health ins. policy (as long as he stays eligible, which means full-time student). And that's just the minimum, assuming he plays by the rules: (a) No drugging, drinking, or other illegal activities while in my house, around my family, or with any of my property, and (b) respect for our family integrity, even if he doesn't consider himself to be a part of that family (reasonable curfews, keep your living area clean, etc...) Beyond that, we [i]could[/i] tack on paying rent, paying renters insurance, paying a portion of the utilities, or even asking him to move out completely. It all depends on what he does between now and then. But legally, 12/31 is when his life changes. 'Till then, my options are somewhat limited. After that, how much (or how little) "emancipating" is done is completely up to him. I can, however, say that if he were to choose to try and clean up his act, get into recovery, stay in school, and stop acting like wife and I are the second coming of Hitler, then [b]maybe[/b] he'll get the same bennies as his older brother (which is pay for your own stuff, we'll help out wherever we can, and we'll help with college or trade school). But I'm done arguing. He has 6 months to make up his mind, and I won't fight any more useless battles between now and then. By the end of the year, he will either start making good decisions, on his own, for himself - or he won't. And during that time, wife and I will put restrictions in place that both protect the remainder of the family while holding out the offer for him to return to the family, should he choose to. But it won't be an angry argument. It will be a simple presentation of facts. He can accept or reject them. I will NOT give him the opportunity to say we heartlessly booted him to the curb, nor will I give him any reason to blame anyone but himself for the state of his life. I also don't want to overtly provoke an ODD meltdown and have him quit the treatment program he's voluntarily going to, just to spite us. If he chooses to continue down this path, then it will be [i]his choice[/i] to turn his back on us and walk away (it has always been his choice, hasn't it?). I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm fully prepared for it, should it happen. Mikey (PS: sorry for all the angst - I'll try for something lighter and a little humor tomorrow). [img]:salute:[/img] [/QUOTE]
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