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<blockquote data-quote="VidQueen" data-source="post: 195772" data-attributes="member: 5871"><p>Jules,</p><p></p><p>I just wanted to add a little to what is already a lot of good advice. I wanted to give you some ideas for NOW.</p><p></p><p>My 5 yo difficult child sounds very similar to your son. I have gotten to the point where I can turn her defiance around in less than a minute. Mind you, I have to do this 2 to 5 times daily, but I can do it.</p><p></p><p>First, let me share my most recent discovery; activity. My difficult children activities were on hiatus for three weeks and her rages got worse and more frequent. It took someone from this forum to make the connection for me. This week she started swimming two days a week and gymnastics one day a week. She hasn't had a single rage in 8 days (defiance daily, but I can deter that). So, if your son is able to participate in group activities, go for it. If not, play active games with him whenever you can. (avoid any activities that result in a "winner")</p><p></p><p>Ok....the NOW. When my difficult child starts getting defiant my first reaction is to oppose her. This will <strong><em>always</em></strong> make it worse. Stop opposing your oppositional child. Does that mean they get what they want? Of course not. I will either redirect my difficult child, remind her of a goal or get her to think that what I'm wanting her to do is her idea. Example; my difficult child just started Kindergarten. Huge change; didn't go well for weeks. Her teacher had to restrain her a few times when I dropped her off. One day, I told her that her teacher wasn't allowed to see or hear me; so we had to tip toe down the hall to her class. My difficult child just loved this. I'm sure we looked silly, tip toeing to class, but when we got just outside the class room my difficult child said, "Wait, Mommy, my teacher can't see you! I have to go in by myself!". She's been great ever since.</p><p>It takes creativity, it takes patience, it takes thinking outside the box. But, yes, it can be done. My difficult child has been raging and defiant for 4 years; I've been able to help her through the defiance 80% of the time for about a year now (and the times it went out of control, I thought about it later and I had broken my own rules....I opposed her instead of redirecting her).</p><p></p><p>I hope you can find a way to help your child get through his defiance. Once you have a breakthrough and you learn the tools that work with your child, it can be really amazing. I stopped one earlier this evening by reminding my difficult child that if she went two weeks with no rages we would add a double swing to her swingset. She turned it off instantly. (You can create meaningful goals/rewards that don't cost money: Bake a cake, camp in your living room, have a sleepover, fingerpaint, watch a favorite movie (with popcorn, of course!)....the list is endless!</p><p></p><p>Good Luck...and remember to tell your son you love him EVERY DAY. Even when he's misbehaving.</p><p>Jen</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="VidQueen, post: 195772, member: 5871"] Jules, I just wanted to add a little to what is already a lot of good advice. I wanted to give you some ideas for NOW. My 5 yo difficult child sounds very similar to your son. I have gotten to the point where I can turn her defiance around in less than a minute. Mind you, I have to do this 2 to 5 times daily, but I can do it. First, let me share my most recent discovery; activity. My difficult children activities were on hiatus for three weeks and her rages got worse and more frequent. It took someone from this forum to make the connection for me. This week she started swimming two days a week and gymnastics one day a week. She hasn't had a single rage in 8 days (defiance daily, but I can deter that). So, if your son is able to participate in group activities, go for it. If not, play active games with him whenever you can. (avoid any activities that result in a "winner") Ok....the NOW. When my difficult child starts getting defiant my first reaction is to oppose her. This will [B][I]always[/I][/B] make it worse. Stop opposing your oppositional child. Does that mean they get what they want? Of course not. I will either redirect my difficult child, remind her of a goal or get her to think that what I'm wanting her to do is her idea. Example; my difficult child just started Kindergarten. Huge change; didn't go well for weeks. Her teacher had to restrain her a few times when I dropped her off. One day, I told her that her teacher wasn't allowed to see or hear me; so we had to tip toe down the hall to her class. My difficult child just loved this. I'm sure we looked silly, tip toeing to class, but when we got just outside the class room my difficult child said, "Wait, Mommy, my teacher can't see you! I have to go in by myself!". She's been great ever since. It takes creativity, it takes patience, it takes thinking outside the box. But, yes, it can be done. My difficult child has been raging and defiant for 4 years; I've been able to help her through the defiance 80% of the time for about a year now (and the times it went out of control, I thought about it later and I had broken my own rules....I opposed her instead of redirecting her). I hope you can find a way to help your child get through his defiance. Once you have a breakthrough and you learn the tools that work with your child, it can be really amazing. I stopped one earlier this evening by reminding my difficult child that if she went two weeks with no rages we would add a double swing to her swingset. She turned it off instantly. (You can create meaningful goals/rewards that don't cost money: Bake a cake, camp in your living room, have a sleepover, fingerpaint, watch a favorite movie (with popcorn, of course!)....the list is endless! Good Luck...and remember to tell your son you love him EVERY DAY. Even when he's misbehaving. Jen [/QUOTE]
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