Here are some thoughts and positions I've taken- thrown out randomly.
1) I told PO that I wanted it clear to everyone, I am NOT turning my back on my son or dis-owning him. My objective is to have family therapy prior to difficult child returning home, difficult child earning his way home by proving that he is trying now, gradually integrating difficult child back into the community, and giving us both some time to transition so neither of us are walking on egg shells and are a little more comforatble that things will go better than last time. I stressed that this is not only due to my safety (the only leg there is to stand on for difficult child getting into a group home) but also because I honesttly belive it's in difficult child's best interest, given how well (NOT) he transitioned last year.
2) I still don't think I could actually bring myself to not pick my son up and allow him to get sent to my bro. I could, however, sit and have a conversation with PO, myself, and DSS about what is in my son's best interest, my concerns about trying to meet 15 requirements a PO throws out as "orders", not being able to meet them and keep a job, and none of them being anything helpful to difficult child's success anyway, etc.....whether or not that can happen, I don't know. The dss worker (not cps) in the last place I lived always agreed with my position- it wasn't me that was the problem and Department of Juvenile Justice should be dealing with things not dss. BUT in this state, if dss gets the kid, he goes to the first place they can get him in that costs them the least and that means if there;s ANY family member..well....I can't do that, I don';t think
3) You bring up good points, DDD. I know this wasn't your main point but neither difficult child or me are focusing on how much money he might make in the future if he gets an education. From his point of view, he has been saying for 4-5 years that he wants to become a veterinarian. From my point of view, I realize that could change 15 times by the time he's 25yo but I don't really care. For one thing, I figure any education is never a waste. If difficult child is just saying all that to mainpulate me but it gets him another year of education, I don't really care while he's a teen. It's impossible though to become a vet without going to college- a very long time- which cost a lot of money- so the kid needs scholarships, should he ever really ever make it that far.
4) difficult child has enough pain dealing with the fact that he knows I am the one saying he should not come straight home. He's dealing with that part ok, but still it is painful. Of course, I feel like he's just going to have to deal with it given what he did- twice- but I don't think going so far as doing something that ruins his dreams - even if he really hasn't 100% committed to them at this point- would serve to get more effort from him. His counselor and I had a brief conversation last weekend. The counselor said difficult child's big problem is that he gives up too easily. Yes, I know, and when he does, he bucks the rules no matter whose rules they are and digs himself in deeper. When he's "free" (ie, living outside Department of Juvenile Justice) it gets to the point of doing dangerous things, self-harming, and letting others cause bodily injury to him. He self- destructs. There's a fine line in there, too, between my son learning to gain a true confidence and earned pride instead of feeling a sense of entitlement or feeling like he's better than someone else. (That's the part the people in the court system just don't get- they think they do but what they order only serves to enable difficult child.) So, I think difficult child can deal with going to a group home or someplace if it's only a few months and he is in a position where he is working toward more freeedom- that might serve him very well. Plus, it buys time and gets closer to 18 yo.
5) I HATE CSU people in this state. I would emancipate difficult child and let him live with me if I could. This decision is stemming as much from my hatred for CSU as anything. However, I can't get difficult child emancipated because difficult child is not employable yet- why? because I made the sd (thru difficult child's IEP) quit giving difficult child classes that taught him to do a job- like commercial cleaning- and give him classes that met "his" goals instead. These are the classes he's made As in so they are happy and difficult child got a little more educated. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not, but I just can't bring myself to tell a kid- any kid- that just because you want a diploma with Spanish and History classes doesn't mean you can get one, when he's making As.
6) Maybe I'm just trying to buy as much time as I can hoping difficult child will mature in the process. I don't know what else to do.
