Police visit, blood on the walls and difficult child's first inpatient stay

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Farmwife, Oct 1, 2010.

  1. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Today was the single lowest day possible for us as a family. difficult child had been doing so well recently that I honestly thought he was a easy child. Job, good grades, good attitude, we had it all. Then he cycled and needed a medication adjust. in the meantime he messed up a dose of another and was missing it for a couple weeks. Since he is compliant and nearing 18 I felt it was time to teach him to self manage.

    Tonight he flip flopped into a wild eyed monster that I have never seen in him before. I have seen him disassociate and go blank but never quite so badly.

    I just returned from checking difficult child into a psychiatric unit.
    The cops came, there was a major incident.
    husband needed a staple to close a gash in his scalp
    The baby is fine but witnessed some things she never should and was shrieking in her high chair at the time.

    difficult child reacted beligerantly to some discipline and "went off". Long story short he was much stronger than he ever was and I know because this isn't the first such incident. In order to get difficult child to stop rapid fire hitting husband I tried to jump in. I eventusally had to literally grab him by his privates and twisted/pinched/pulled as hard as I could, something that would immediately drop a grown man to his knees and he still kept fighting. I then had to start beating him over the head with something to get him to stop.

    It was that bad and that out of control. :sad-very:

    We are all licking our wounds but safe now. Not sure our family can remain intact physically or emotionally at this point. Although he is clearly in need of help and he has an illness he was informed that if even a single more outburst occured in front of baby (there have been a few) he would have to go, permanently.

    DCFS, our version of CPS will get involved again. Our last incident was unfounded so no biggie. I am concerned about what may happen with baby and baby on way in regards to any potential legal entanglements. We may have to consult an attorney, just have to wait and see. I simply could not live without my babies. The idea scares the heck out of me.

    husband did slap difficult child for being hostile and telling me F you B, among other things. Then difficult child jumped on husband and punched him about 20 times in the face then 20 times in the back of the head. While I realize our response ignited a serious situation it was one of those pivotal moments where we had to control our home again. We have spent 3 years afraid in our home, we avoid parenting him because of the extreme rages, we watch what we say, we have locks on our doors. It felt like that if we didn't stand up finally that he was and had been in control of our lives by using intimidation and emotional abuse. I think we just snapped and had enough.

    I am in shock and trying to stay in a state of denial. Dealing with all of the emotions all at once is overwhelming.

    I have never seen difficult child quite like he was tonight. I am deeply saddened by this turn of events. I love hin deeply and I am mourning the loss of my son. There were times I had a glimmer of hope that he may be okay someday. Now I am afraid of the dark side in him. I am scared he will come back some day when I am an old lady, want some answers, want to place blame and then kill me.

    There is a history of animal cruelty, lack of remorse ect. among 10,000 other things. He is like a psoter child for the criminally insane someday, a real danger to society in the making and I feel like it is a runaway train I can't stop.

    My Mommy radar is picking up on some very scary things in difficult child. Though he has a beautiful gentle side that I want so much to save there is something so frightening about his superhuman strength tonight coupled with the way his eyes go blank and the kid I know leaves his body for a few minutes. These rages have slowly become worse.

    I am broken hearted but more than that I am scared. I am scared for what life really has in store for him and I am scared of him. I am a very tough tomboy, former street fighter so when I say I am afraid it has to be a real bad bad dude.

    We will get 90 day intensive services upon discharge but after that it is junk as usual.

    I know the family and I need a safe, sane home but I hate to have to place him somewhere. I know he needs it and I will follow through but he has such an odd disconect and feelings of abandonement from the ex that I hate to turn my back on him. I feel like our rejection will be the final nail in the coffin.

    I'm exhausted, it's so late and been such a long night. Just lost and thank goodness you fine folks are here.
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2010
  2. Bluemoon

    Bluemoon Guest

    I'm so sorry you have to face all this, but try to let go of the idea that you are abandoning him. Having him in a place where he cannot harm himself or others is not abandoning him. Wish I could write more, but I have to run to work....prayers for you, Dear. This has been a very tough row for you to hoe. Stay strong.
  3. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I am sorry you are going through this.

    Just wanted to let you know that if it was Lexapro that he skipped, I think that could have caused all of that rage. When we skipped my older daughter's Lexapro for even one day, it was a nightmare, much worse than she was before medications. Wild eyed monster would have described her, too.

    Not to excuse his behaviour but to offer you hope for the beautiful sensitive side that is in there.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    DCFS could be your greatest friend...they may determine that difficult child cannot be safe in your home and place him in a therapuetic placement or Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    The problem you will have is that husband slapped him first. Legally, that is very bad unless he slapped him on a clothed part of his body. I would not tell them that you considered getting a knife. They will not like that at all. And - with his super-strength during a rage, the most likely outcome of that would have been him getting the knife away from you and stabbing everyone.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    (((((hugs))))) and more (((((hugs)))))

    Wish I knew what to say....that sounds just horrifying. I am so sorry you had to go through something like that.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. How painful.
    90 days sounds pretty good, assuming he is in the hospital all that time.
    They will adjust his medications.
    I suspect once he calms down, he will be remorseful, judging from what you say.
    Focus on your little one. She needs reassurance and routine. Tell her that some people are sick in their tummies and that her bro is sick in his head and the police took him to a safe place to get some medicine. But I'm sure you've already done that.
    I know what it means to be provoked. been there done that. But as you said, how do you parent someone when they are so easily provoked?
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    If things have slowly been unraveling since you started Lexapro, you need to consider that it's the medication. SSRIs like Lexapro can cause rage behaviors in adolescents. Ask the psychiatrists in the hospital about it.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry. Last night sounds awful. Very scary for all of you.

    I second the poster that said you need to stop looking at placement as abandonment. Placement is what is best for everyone, including your son. We all definitely understand the love you have for your boy.

    I think Terry has a good point in regards to his eventual feelings of remorse. You said in your post, and you have said before, that he has a sensitive, loving side. Once he is stable again, he may not totally recall the incident. But certainly you and his docs/counselors can fill in the blanks. He has to be made to see that he is a potential danger to the home and, unless he gets the intensive help he needs, emergence in society just can't happen.

    Mega hugs,
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Gentle hugs and prayers for all.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    omg i am so sorry. I'm sending you alot of hugs and prayers. your a strong woman. sounds like you reacted quickly and handled it beautifully. i would of done same with-where you grabbed him. just take deep breaths, important thing is that you are all ok, he is where he needs to be.

    my heart goes out to you. hang in there. pm if you want to
  11. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    What a heartbreak! I'm sure the idea that this sort of violence in your home is unimaginable but it is a wake up call. If and when he returns home, you need a plan of what to do if this sort of thing happens first. Somewhere in the archives of this site is an emergency plan. You can't wait until the heat of the moment to decide what to do. Print out the plan and study it then discuss with husband. You may be home alone with your son when something happens. I agree with JJJ about CPS being your best resource to start the ball rolling to safety for difficult child and your whole family. Don't mention knife again. As a matter of fact, I would edit your post to delete that part. You never know who reads this thread as it is public. I understand the need to somehow to protect your husband but you didn't do that so don't publicly post that part.
    Many hugs to you, husband and little diva. Hugs to difficult child. It is awful to be so out of control.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow! I totally understand though- especially about struggling how to handle things when your difficult child already has abandonment and rejection issues. My guess is that medications played a part in this but it sure doesn't take much sometimes for our difficult children to go off and the bigger and stronger our boys get, the scarier it is.

    I also, vote for removing the reference to a weapon that was never used. We all have fleeting thoughts in crisis and there's no sense in handing ammunition to potential loose cannons.
  13. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    You guys are wonderful.

    Edited post. FWIW I would never want to hurt my son I was just scared, I thought he was going to kill husband and what would seem like strong intervention was ineffective, meanwhile his baby sister who idolizes him is being permanently scarred in the process by seeing it. Her shrieking from her high chair was the most painful part. I have memories stored away from when I was younger than her...

    The psychiatrist at the hospital changed difficult child to Zyprexa today. Not sure what else is stopping or continuing as far as lexapro and risperdal. I should have asked but after 3 hours sleep and list of difficult child related phone calls to make and my brain is swiss cheese. Although I agree lexapro may be a problem I know risperdal was the one and only mood stabilizer that worked. I mentioned that he has a good psychiatrist but this hospital psychiatrist isn't discussing anything with her as of yet. I'm not so sure I am happy with that fact but he is in an adolescent center and better to do a medication change under serious control. medication changes scare the heck out of me, it's always such a caca shoot as to what may happen.

    Thank goodness for the iep because school is going to fax work to hospital and hospital has a teacher 1 hour a day. They also have like 6 hours of group and sessions and what not. I feel very nervous about what happened last night and him coming home but I am so comforted by the fact that while he is away he will be getting the intensive help he needs. I still don't think I will ever feel safe letting him come home but I know dcfs pushes for that. my mother is willing to take him in. I just wonder how well we can maintain a healthy interaction with that. I envision less family stress and weekend visists for dinner, board games and videos. I guess it's a fantasy of normalcy and love that I fear we cannot mantain while he lives in our home and has the odd. Perhpas serious intervention and services to keep him stable at my Moms and us visiting on weekends can help heal our bond as a family. I dunno. Same school though so big sigh of relief.

    I love him but I know that the next incident will be worse and result in someone being seriously injured. He can't come back it is too risky for all of us. He isn't without hope but my home is not the place. I won't walk away but safety is priority number one regardless of whatever rosy picture dcfs wants to paint.

    Thank goodness for his awesom boss as well. She is very approachable, likes difficult child a lot and well...it is the local small town tavern/cafe so low pressure. I hate to step in but I fear at this point I must. This job is all he has that is positive right now. It helped him grow and feel better about himself. I'm going to tell her what I have to in order to excuse his absence while not trying to freak her out. I am also going to beg and plead with her to allow him to return. I won't mention it right away but I would be willing to secretly pay his salary if that is what it took. He needs this because we are not far from long term lock up and social security. This job is his only lifeline into a semi normal adult state.

    The rest is hazy, still trying to process and write all my to do's down. It's amazing how a crisis can make a simple 5 item list of phone calls and errands feel like climbing everest. It's like my brain stopped.

    husband and I vowed that outside of calls to manage that we will NOT discuss difficult child in any way shape or form today. Taking baby diva out into the sunshine and absorbing every last minute of the calm and safety. This hospital stay is a much needed respite. Friday hasn't "felt" like a weekend in years...every day and every free moment is one long continuation of managing difficult child. Today we LIVE!

    Thanks so much for the outpouring of support, as you all sadly know it means so much. I welcome advice and suggestions. I may sometimes have a differing opinion but having new ideas has always been a great source for changes.

    On the ironic side, baby diva is a teething nightmare and I am due to "pop" after turkey day. A difficult child teen, a terrible twos toddler and an infant. What the heck was I thinking? As for me, "look ma, no medications". Gonna survive and put on some warrior momma face paint.
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2010
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry I'm coming in so late on this. What a horrible event for all of you. I'm glad he is in the psychiatric hospital and you are getting some respite if only for a short period of time. Will keep you and yours in my prayers.