Poor Q has a terrible mom, or so the teacher seems to think today... uggg

[buddy]

I had asked teacher for an update and told her he was earning MOA with his Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker. He goes there often three times per week. this week I put a hold on it because he got so aggressive with me when leaving and even before that day he had done the same with his Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker twice the previous week when leaving there. SO, I said, if he did not have to come home due to aggression he could earn it on Friday...

she said:

Hi Qmom,

Q had a lot of green moments today, as well as some yellow periods of time. I do not want to have his disability of not being able to always stay in the green zone hold him back from fun opportunities. He’s a good kid and deserves some fun activities throughout his day, week or life.

OMGosh, are you kidding me... they have him hidden in a little room with rare lunch moments with friends, and is not allowed to swim and can't go to the high school with the other kids to see where he is slated to go and I am depriving him of fun. DO you KNOW how many activities I take this kid to, how many dinners out he earns? Parks, stores, nature centers, horseback riding, in warm weather, swimming, water parks, ice skating now, .... really??? we rarely are home when I dont have Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) breaks. that is 12 hours a week.... and THEY take him to a zillion places, the library, the teen center, MOA, and tours of places he is interested in.... ugggg.... This is not a deprived kid.

And the irony is that at his elementary school the principal, psychiatric, and staff there would say and write .... IF I would only pick MEANINGFUL consequences, then he would not have so many behaviors.

Really I dont think earning a privelege....is such a traumatic issue. Especially if he had not earned MOA he woudl have gone to the local huge mall instead! Holy Heck.

This has been a week of beating me down I feel.

(for more see previous post on school emails)

 

[klmno]

Have you responded to that yet? If not, wait until you calm down and turn it around on them. Email back that you agree and that is why you have been trying to get him allowed to go swimming and do other social things with peers at school, in an appropriate and safe setting. So then would the teacher be willing to help in this area since your efforts haven't gotten very far? And point out that you aren't worried about his time out of school because you have him involved in A, B, and C activities.

 

[Steely]

<<<UGH>>> Are you still planning on homeschooling him?

 

[buddy]

I have never planned to homeschool him, but I have said if nothing changes (next IEP meeting is on the 30th and they are to have the documented report for a restraint on him from last year that the psychologist admitted to this last meeting...trying to point out how hard Q is but in the end getting himself into trouble because he never reported it--even when over and over we all ask, has Q ever needed a restraint??? and ALL the staff say no..never.... It just figure sthis guy did it... he goes looking for it I believe) I can't go thru this for his highschool years. I would do home-bound plus therapies in a school or neutral setting... I just dont thinkhe would learn anything from me becasue we have so many of our own issues to work on....

Today I asked him why he is fussing so much when he is in the room... HE said, they make me do word lists and they are just too hard. I said, Q I hear you and you needto just say that to the teacher. I reminded him that in school we learn NEW things so it will always seem hard at first.

I will hold off responding... I would never say what I said to you all anyway. I want things for him and will not take my personal hurt feelings into any of it. Just venting here....

I did get another email in response to my asking for communication about non iep things like the high school tour to continue as before, on a frequent/as needed basis not only at IEP meetings... she wrote back that she will do that and sorry for any confusion... again I replied, thanks, that will help...but I THOUGHT... confusion???? how was that confused? You purposely did not tell me about the trip, didn't send home a permission slip, excluded him from the class, and then told me about it at the last minute. Really have lost most of my trust. It just makes me sad, I thought I really could trust these guys after two and a half years of being with them. I am so scared for his future.

 

[DDD]

Among the many things that make you an outstanding Mother is that you won't allow them to trigger a rage in you, lol. Add this to your journal so you can reference it at your next meeting. Honestly I am consistently impressed with your love, your patience and the many activities you incorporate into your family life.

As I'm sure you read on the long thread about schools...most of us got disillusioned sooner or later. It honestly is a shame how our children's needs are ignored. Sending hugs. DDD

 

[TeDo]

Definitely save these arguments you just made written somewhere so it is documented along with copies of the emails. IF they ever dispute it, you got it.......again. Does your high school have all new staff? I know ours does. New principal, teachers, SpEd staff, etc. For us, it would be a whole NEW start. Any chance for that there....or....do they pretty much continue with whatever the middle school SAYS to do? Just curious.

 

[buddy]

yes, they do except it is the same Special Education. coordinator and the psychiatric from the highschool came to the meeting for the independent FBA... I think that the sp ed admin now is on the watch this kid carefully prowl because my lawyer has not only called the coordinator but the district director of sp ed about Q now. They know they have to be careful. Usually the district knows most parents can't afford an attorney so they can do waht they want and few parents can fight and follow all of the due process things without emotions clogging up the issues. (for sure I get bogged down that way) I started my complaints here with one so I am hoping it will help. but the down side seems to be communication is at a minimum. but I think that is why they have next year's psychologist at the meeting.

 

[susiestar]

in my opinion this email was written to try to upset you. They want you to think that they think you are mean. That you are limiting his life. YOU know different and I truly admire the way you are able to stay calm and to keep working to get them to cooperate rather than blasting them for the ways they hurt him and demand so much that is unreasonable from him.

I thnk that the advice to USE this email to try to get him into swimming, and other things and out of that little room is an excellent strategy. Of COURSE each kid should have some fun in hsi day, week, life and for Q, swimming would be something that he would enjoy more than anything else. So let's work together, Ms. Teacher, to make that happen for him this month!

Of course they left him out of the hs field trip. I am willing to bet they leave him out of other field trips too. Someone in the community might see that they had a kid with special needs in the school - they can't have THAT.

 

[buddy]

yup, you are right, I will add this to my binder of emails. I have started printing out all of them since the beginning of the year. What is so sad about the field trips is that he has gone on every single one in the past and has never had a problem. I always volunteer and really he is the least of their worries. He stands perfectly in lines, walks thru things, etc. One of his class mates kicked him in the back when he was sitting nicely listening to a speaker and no one did anything... except I of course talked to the kid.... Q did not react or anything which made me super sad that he is used to that treatment. THese kids are so much better at sneaking it. Q just flat out does whatever in front of anyone.

Q asked me again when swimming starts tonight. I just have to say I dont know. uggg

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree, keep it.

Also, if she had stopped at "day" it would have been enough. But she really hammered it home. throughout his day, week or life.
OMG, she has no clue.
If she keeps up like this, you can introduce her to DaisyFace's former soc. wkr. I'm sure they could be friends.

 

[TeDo]

Where's that darn LIKE button!!! Here's a <LIKE> for you TerryJ2!!

 

[StressedM0mma]

Buddy, you are a great mom doing wonderful things for Q. I can't believe that teacher would say those things to you. I am not sure I would have been able to control myself as well as you did. We all know that you are doing absolutely everything for Q to make his life great. Hugs.

 

[Bunny]

You have a heck of a lot more restraint that I have, because if I had gotten an e-mail like that I would be been spitting bullets!

Don't let them bring your down. You are a GREAT mom to Q, doing the best that you can with a very difficult child. He should earn things and if they don't get that they should not be working with kids, especially difficult child kids.

 

[Malika]

Have you responded to that yet? If not, wait until you calm down and turn it around on them. Email back that you agree and that is why you have been trying to get him allowed to go swimming and do other social things with peers at school, in an appropriate and safe setting. So then would the teacher be willing to help in this area since your efforts haven't gotten very far? And point out that you aren't worried about his time out of school because you have him involved in A, B, and C activities.

Seems like an eminently good suggestion!

 

[buddy]

Hi, no I didn't email about the link and irony yet. I think the change in tone though, really has made me sad, not hurt but sad. I mean, just a few weeks ago I got three emails from staff including her about what a good mom I am and how much they value my advocating for Q. I think that this email shows a shift in their trying to cast me in a poor light because they themselves have put their own selves in a bad position and got caught. So now if they can divert that...???? I saw it happen to the little girl I told you guys about. Her mom was escorted out of the school at one point because they just didn't want her around. If that ever happens to me after three years of volunteering there then they will have a HUGE problem on their hands. I admit this woman was volatile at times and she followed her child around (for good reason in my humble opinion, since the same psychiatric was grabbing and restraining her and I never once had to restrain this kid in a year of working with her... if only women were with her, she did fine) but they did eventually turn it into gossip about her being anorexic, a drug abuser, and finally pressed educational neglect charges against her. So, my guard is up. Luckily I have an attorney on board so it will not go there ever I hope.

I will not be sending an email talking about the swimming (except I did mention that in an email about wanting better communication on things like the swimming issue and the high school issue). The law advocate does not want us to tip our hands before the meeting.

She is the expert, I am doing it her way....so far it has paid off.

 

[TerryJ2]

Fingers crossed. Counting the minutes.

 

[exhausted]

Buddy,
I'm so sorry. There job is taking care of Q at school. Not passing judgement on you. Seems that can't do it even with your help. Of course they are looking for blame. I think it's cruel to blame you. That teacher is thoughtless. I doubt there is any organized effort to corner you-WTH, they can't even get it together to communicate and help your kid! She's upset because she has made some mistakes and now you are the target. Noone benefits from this stuff.

Hang in there. I wish I could tell you that the blaming thing would go away. It never has for me and I still have to fight other teachers at my school not to do it to some of the parents of our tough kids. It is a topic which we cross every NAMI meeting.

Good on you for waiting for your lawyer-it is hard. You go ahead and vent away, we are here and know what a caring supportive mom you are. (((Hugs)))

 

[buddy]

Well, I am the last one on board the 'they are going to make this tough on you ... as a group' bandwagon, and to tell the truth our even mannered psychologist said, "you will not be paranoid to think this is changing" he has been doing this with me over there for two years and things have changed. And they changed when I got the attorney and when the principal came. The teacher herself said that she is in an awkward position and has to not say much. So I actually do think they have been given a directive not to say too much. she has said she doesn't want to email "because it is easier to talk by phone" but that has not been true for the last two years! It is NOW because (having been there done that on their side) they are being told not to put anything in writing. so I have to summarize their phone calls and put them in writing in an email and say.... I just wanted to confirm that I understood this correctly... etc... and then they reply with a short yes or no type of sentence.

It is different and I wish it wasn't. I really liked all of these people and actually still have hope it can turn around. I know, probably dumb.

 

[exhausted]

Not dumb. Hopeful. When we bring in heavy hitters of course things change. We are saying, "I need some help getting the right thing done because you people just won't get the job done.", and the school now is running scared. The teacher is in the middle-but she didn't help her cause by what she said to you (wasn't that in an email?). If they are not going to allow him to have positives at school (esp. ones that others get and he has never been a problem for like swimming), how can they question your asking for Q to earn something at home?

When I brought in the lawyer from the disabilities center to help me enforce my son's 504 plan (I was tired of it literally never being followed), it was not pretty. First of all, he was in his final year at the elementary school where I taught (and yes I could not get them to do what they should). There was politics at play and revenge as well, and my son became a pawn. I took the parent advocate to every 504 after that through high school. I was not liked by teachers or administrators until he was a junior, and the teacher in charge had a child who was disabled. She understood and was his advocate. I actually had to say, "It would nice if we could work in a friendly way, but experience tells me that is not possible in this district. Therefore, expect me to advocate, have presence and expect that my son's 504 plan is followed". I told the VP," Enjoy chatting about me", as they all remained in the room after a 504 meeting," My son will be my son the rest of life. You people, I may never see again." I wanted them to know I knew what they were doing(decompressing after a tense meeting where they were expected to actually do their job) and I was actually glad they were sweating because nothing else had made them take care of my boy. I get it. I just don't think any school district does a good job organizing against a parent unless they put a gag order on everyone but appoint one spokes person. That only happened once here-district lost the suit anyway!

 

[buddy]

Thank you for sharing that.... I think it is very similar. True, I dont think it is totally an organized thing...just a change. Yes, that was in an email and that email came after I begged for our communication to be restored to what it was not having to wait for a once a month IEP meeting . But the emails I am getting now say very little about them and what they are doing. Only what Q did naughty and then this one that was about me instead of answering my question of how he did during the day.

I want to be like you. Luckily I have never worked in this district so I dont have those politics and can only imagine that must have been really really awful. I am learning to develop a stronger backbone and your post helps. Thanks so much. To you and all of you guys for helping me feel so much stronger.