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Positive thoughts about difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="exhausted" data-source="post: 428517" data-attributes="member: 11001"><p>I</p><p>This is not my forum but just had to respond. I have used collaborative problem solving very successfully in my classroom with<strong> some</strong> kids. It didn't work with all kids in all situations. Sometimes we had to come back and re-problem solve. And with some of these kids-there was no efficacy and yes....they did not have trust for me (or anyone else)- so I speak from experience. To me it is another tool for some kids. It is not everything for everybody. I do agree that sometimes with our older difficult children they need this coming from someone else other than parents The problem is not too many pros or people know about it or have the skills to do it. There is no hope of it happening with an older difficult child who is so mind altered(chemically, or through mental illness) that they can't even be in the moment (one of the first skills needed to problem solve). As for mentors- I love this. Will my child love this??</p><p> <strong>Now on to my 16 year old daughter: biological, raised in a decent 2 parent household with educated and loving parents....Sexually abused (not by us of course), apparently predispositioned and brain very suseptable to illness, our easy child goes major- major difficult child (drugs,sexual,theft,gang,truency,running away, lack of respect etc...)</strong></p><p> </p><p><strong>Can you have a conversation with the kid on general non-emotive stuff ?</strong> Yes as long as it is mostly about her and her interests. typical teen stuff, but deaper with her. Despite trying to problem solve this one (it is a social skill to listen to others and respond to their conversation without it always being about you) She still wants us to center around her conversation. Still needs work-not the most important thing right now as safety is the thing we have to worry about (life threatening behaviors)</p><p></p><p><strong>Can you share perspectives , can your kid take your perspective ? </strong>I can see her perspective, I can see her skill deficits, I can empathize. Not in an even minute way can she see from our perspective. No remorse, no" I'm sorry", no" how do you feel about that", no, "Oh, I see how that looks to you"- she can't even predict how we must be feeling as she was out running around with 23 year old gang member engaging in dangerous sex! She is skill deficit here, thus the "PTSD and Border-Line Traits diagnosis and current DBT treatment (most recommended treatment for this disorder, and teaches many of the missing skills, also requires coaching, which is just another word for collaborative problem solving)Still wonder how it all will work if she doesn't choose to use the skills?</p><p></p><p><strong>Can you talk about what makes you happy, sad , frustrated - can the kid share the same with you ? share concerns, unmet needs etc </strong></p><p>Yes, we both can do this (years of cognitive therapy have helped this). She can do this-she has this skill-isn't that great!?</p><p> </p><p>Bottomline for me-every method out there is a tool usuable for some, in some moments. I love the premise of Ross Greens work..I love it. I think it is good stuff <strong>when </strong>it is good stuff. Most importantly, I think we limit ourselves when we select one idea or philosophy of parenting or managing people. The proof is on this site-many different people with many different styles of parenting and histories, and yet we all have difficult children! And yes, we are powerless to change others, we can only support them. </p><p> </p><p><strong>Here is my positive thinking about my daughter-"</strong>I have hope that she will, when ready, make choices that will not put her life in danger" Until she is eighteen, I must do my best to see to that any way possible. After that, I will love her and hope....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="exhausted, post: 428517, member: 11001"] I This is not my forum but just had to respond. I have used collaborative problem solving very successfully in my classroom with[B] some[/B] kids. It didn't work with all kids in all situations. Sometimes we had to come back and re-problem solve. And with some of these kids-there was no efficacy and yes....they did not have trust for me (or anyone else)- so I speak from experience. To me it is another tool for some kids. It is not everything for everybody. I do agree that sometimes with our older difficult children they need this coming from someone else other than parents The problem is not too many pros or people know about it or have the skills to do it. There is no hope of it happening with an older difficult child who is so mind altered(chemically, or through mental illness) that they can't even be in the moment (one of the first skills needed to problem solve). As for mentors- I love this. Will my child love this?? [B]Now on to my 16 year old daughter: biological, raised in a decent 2 parent household with educated and loving parents....Sexually abused (not by us of course), apparently predispositioned and brain very suseptable to illness, our easy child goes major- major difficult child (drugs,sexual,theft,gang,truency,running away, lack of respect etc...)[/B] [B]Can you have a conversation with the kid on general non-emotive stuff ?[/B] Yes as long as it is mostly about her and her interests. typical teen stuff, but deaper with her. Despite trying to problem solve this one (it is a social skill to listen to others and respond to their conversation without it always being about you) She still wants us to center around her conversation. Still needs work-not the most important thing right now as safety is the thing we have to worry about (life threatening behaviors) [B]Can you share perspectives , can your kid take your perspective ? [/B]I can see her perspective, I can see her skill deficits, I can empathize. Not in an even minute way can she see from our perspective. No remorse, no" I'm sorry", no" how do you feel about that", no, "Oh, I see how that looks to you"- she can't even predict how we must be feeling as she was out running around with 23 year old gang member engaging in dangerous sex! She is skill deficit here, thus the "PTSD and Border-Line Traits diagnosis and current DBT treatment (most recommended treatment for this disorder, and teaches many of the missing skills, also requires coaching, which is just another word for collaborative problem solving)Still wonder how it all will work if she doesn't choose to use the skills? [B]Can you talk about what makes you happy, sad , frustrated - can the kid share the same with you ? share concerns, unmet needs etc [/B] Yes, we both can do this (years of cognitive therapy have helped this). She can do this-she has this skill-isn't that great!? Bottomline for me-every method out there is a tool usuable for some, in some moments. I love the premise of Ross Greens work..I love it. I think it is good stuff [B]when [/B]it is good stuff. Most importantly, I think we limit ourselves when we select one idea or philosophy of parenting or managing people. The proof is on this site-many different people with many different styles of parenting and histories, and yet we all have difficult children! And yes, we are powerless to change others, we can only support them. [B]Here is my positive thinking about my daughter-"[/B]I have hope that she will, when ready, make choices that will not put her life in danger" Until she is eighteen, I must do my best to see to that any way possible. After that, I will love her and hope.... [/QUOTE]
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