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possible relapse
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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 693622" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>Sadly, you are correct. If son is good, I am good. If son is using, binging or stagnating, I am not good. How ridiculous this is. It serves no purpose. It helps nothing. My husband is very upset with me, starting on Wednesday, when I first saw the 'how to beat a breathalyzer' search. The not knowing was torment for me. I literally shut down, almost like in zombie mode. I felt a HUGE release of stress yesterday afternoon after son called me and admitted to relapse and stated he was put back in to PHP for a week or 2. After that call, immediately, I was back to myself. It was like in the Hulk movie, when he <em>busts out</em> of the person and morphs in to the muscular green Hulk. Well, when the stress lifts off me, it is almost instantaneously as if I am busting out of the zombie outfit and back in to 'me'.</p><p></p><p>My husband is vey concerned about me and I think, a bit angry at me. For my unhealthy & O C D behaviors where son is concerned. He does not have O C D or any mental health issues. So, it is hard for him to understand. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>I show him some posts on here. He says '<em>see? you HAVE to stop being so involved</em>.'</p><p></p><p>I wish there a way to do this without son knowing. The only solution to this would be for him to change his Google + password. For that to happen, I'd have to fess up to him on what I've been doing. Looking at his searches. He'd be very angry at me. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/frown.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":frown:" title="frown :frown:" data-shortname=":frown:" /> So, that temptation remains with no real way to make it so I CAN NOT look. I will have to do this myself, I guess. And, control the urge. You are right. It IS invasive. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/frown.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":frown:" title="frown :frown:" data-shortname=":frown:" /> I want him to have boundaries, but I have none.</p><p></p><p>Copa, me too. I had an awful childhood and both my (divorced) parents were alive. I was such a good little girl, I don't think my mom realized how lucky she was. With all what she drug me through (2 hints = 4 more divorces, moving/changing schools every year, no chance to make friends) from 5 to 17 (when I left & stayed with a friend), I could have very easily been a drug addict or in to some really bad things. I was very sensitive and naive, still am. I never said a curse word. I didn't even know what 'pot' was in HS..I'd hear others talking about it in the lunch room. I remember wondering 'I wonder what you do with that (pot) or how you do something with that (pot)? I remember thinking, 'do you eat it?' <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite12" alt="o_O" title="Er... what? o_O" loading="lazy" data-shortname="o_O" /> How silly!</p><p></p><p>Son called me last night, we had around a 20 minute chat. He was in a good mood and telling me about his '2 day binge'.</p><p></p><p>So, a girl that he was hanging out with prior to this whole rehab stint (4 mos. ago), called him. He said they usually would go to the beach or some public place and hang. But, this time, she said '<em>why don't you come to my house?</em>' So, he did. That was where this all started. He said she had a cabinet of liquor. I said: '<em>well, does she know your situation...in sober living?</em>' He said: '<em>It's not her fault, it's mine</em>.' I agreed fully. She probably does <em>not</em> know he's in sober living. He's a pretty private guy.</p><p></p><p>Some other things he divulged:</p><p>"<em>for 2 days, I hung with this girl and we drank...I did go back to sober house each night; on 1st night, I passed the breathalyzer....on 2nd night (Thursday night) I got back to house in early evening & even attended an IOP group mtg, I don't think anybody could tell I had been drinking, but later around 9, I failed the breathalyzer, and I told them what I did.....1st day I had a few shots of Patrón and a glass or 2 of wine; on the 2nd day..and I think this is what f**ked me up where I failed the breathalyzer, I had some 'swigs' of vodka and a glass of wine.....this whole thing was not even worth it.....after I had the shots and each night, I was depressed that I did it....I knew I shouldn't have but I did it anyway....it so was not as 'cool' as I thought it would be....I lost my momentum and I didn't like that....I gotta keep pushing forward and I feel better...when I drink or get high I am not happy or having a good time, really.....I actually laugh a lot more when I've been sober....things are just better....life in general is better sober, I am getting better able to laugh at ppl in public who are rude or whose reactions used to cause me stress.....after I lost that landscaping job, I searched for another job for about a week, then I could feel myself <strong>stagnating</strong>...and <strong>that</strong> is when I get in to trouble....I <strong>have</strong> to keep myself busy....just always moving forward in some way..." </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I asked him how drunk he got, did he black out or get sick or anything like that. He emphatically said '<em>no</em>'. '<em>I was just drinking & having fun with this girl.</em>' I asked him if it would've been just as fun if he had not had the alcohol, trying to get a hint of whether he has some social anxiety going on with girls. His answer was '<em>no, I think it would've been more fun without the alcohol</em>.' Not sure how true that statement was as many of his searches revolve around anxiety, social anxiety. But, my son is an enigma, always has been.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I agree with DWP. Addicts in general, have a low self-esteem. I believe they hate that they are addicts, and hate what they do to us, <em><strong>most</strong></em> of them, anyways. For these whom fit that category, lying is not an egregious act towards us per se'. It's done because they have to hide these things that they are <em>ashamed of</em>. They don't want to lose what love we have left for them. So, they lie. It's quite the conundrum for them, I would think. But, the lies just cause the self-esteem to plummet even more with each lie. It's a vicious cycle.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 693622, member: 19966"] Sadly, you are correct. If son is good, I am good. If son is using, binging or stagnating, I am not good. How ridiculous this is. It serves no purpose. It helps nothing. My husband is very upset with me, starting on Wednesday, when I first saw the 'how to beat a breathalyzer' search. The not knowing was torment for me. I literally shut down, almost like in zombie mode. I felt a HUGE release of stress yesterday afternoon after son called me and admitted to relapse and stated he was put back in to PHP for a week or 2. After that call, immediately, I was back to myself. It was like in the Hulk movie, when he [I]busts out[/I] of the person and morphs in to the muscular green Hulk. Well, when the stress lifts off me, it is almost instantaneously as if I am busting out of the zombie outfit and back in to 'me'. My husband is vey concerned about me and I think, a bit angry at me. For my unhealthy & O C D behaviors where son is concerned. He does not have O C D or any mental health issues. So, it is hard for him to understand. :( I show him some posts on here. He says '[I]see? you HAVE to stop being so involved[/I].' I wish there a way to do this without son knowing. The only solution to this would be for him to change his Google + password. For that to happen, I'd have to fess up to him on what I've been doing. Looking at his searches. He'd be very angry at me. :frown: So, that temptation remains with no real way to make it so I CAN NOT look. I will have to do this myself, I guess. And, control the urge. You are right. It IS invasive. :frown: I want him to have boundaries, but I have none. Copa, me too. I had an awful childhood and both my (divorced) parents were alive. I was such a good little girl, I don't think my mom realized how lucky she was. With all what she drug me through (2 hints = 4 more divorces, moving/changing schools every year, no chance to make friends) from 5 to 17 (when I left & stayed with a friend), I could have very easily been a drug addict or in to some really bad things. I was very sensitive and naive, still am. I never said a curse word. I didn't even know what 'pot' was in HS..I'd hear others talking about it in the lunch room. I remember wondering 'I wonder what you do with that (pot) or how you do something with that (pot)? I remember thinking, 'do you eat it?' o_O How silly! Son called me last night, we had around a 20 minute chat. He was in a good mood and telling me about his '2 day binge'. So, a girl that he was hanging out with prior to this whole rehab stint (4 mos. ago), called him. He said they usually would go to the beach or some public place and hang. But, this time, she said '[I]why don't you come to my house?[/I]' So, he did. That was where this all started. He said she had a cabinet of liquor. I said: '[I]well, does she know your situation...in sober living?[/I]' He said: '[I]It's not her fault, it's mine[/I].' I agreed fully. She probably does [I]not[/I] know he's in sober living. He's a pretty private guy. Some other things he divulged: "[I]for 2 days, I hung with this girl and we drank...I did go back to sober house each night; on 1st night, I passed the breathalyzer....on 2nd night (Thursday night) I got back to house in early evening & even attended an IOP group mtg, I don't think anybody could tell I had been drinking, but later around 9, I failed the breathalyzer, and I told them what I did.....1st day I had a few shots of Patrón and a glass or 2 of wine; on the 2nd day..and I think this is what f**ked me up where I failed the breathalyzer, I had some 'swigs' of vodka and a glass of wine.....this whole thing was not even worth it.....after I had the shots and each night, I was depressed that I did it....I knew I shouldn't have but I did it anyway....it so was not as 'cool' as I thought it would be....I lost my momentum and I didn't like that....I gotta keep pushing forward and I feel better...when I drink or get high I am not happy or having a good time, really.....I actually laugh a lot more when I've been sober....things are just better....life in general is better sober, I am getting better able to laugh at ppl in public who are rude or whose reactions used to cause me stress.....after I lost that landscaping job, I searched for another job for about a week, then I could feel myself [B]stagnating[/B]...and [B]that[/B] is when I get in to trouble....I [B]have[/B] to keep myself busy....just always moving forward in some way..." [/I] I asked him how drunk he got, did he black out or get sick or anything like that. He emphatically said '[I]no[/I]'. '[I]I was just drinking & having fun with this girl.[/I]' I asked him if it would've been just as fun if he had not had the alcohol, trying to get a hint of whether he has some social anxiety going on with girls. His answer was '[I]no, I think it would've been more fun without the alcohol[/I].' Not sure how true that statement was as many of his searches revolve around anxiety, social anxiety. But, my son is an enigma, always has been. Copa, I agree with DWP. Addicts in general, have a low self-esteem. I believe they hate that they are addicts, and hate what they do to us, [I][B]most[/B][/I] of them, anyways. For these whom fit that category, lying is not an egregious act towards us per se'. It's done because they have to hide these things that they are [I]ashamed of[/I]. They don't want to lose what love we have left for them. So, they lie. It's quite the conundrum for them, I would think. But, the lies just cause the self-esteem to plummet even more with each lie. It's a vicious cycle. [/QUOTE]
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