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Post Christmas/end of year update
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 615926" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I was thinking how different this Christmas was, not only compared to the last two years where difficult child daughter has been in a dramatic upheaval, but really, from ALL other Christmas' throughout my life. I am still sorting it through in my mind and I do believe it has almost everything to do with having learned to detach from my daughter's life's drama.........and in fact from my entire family's life's dramas.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday started with opening gifts with SO and granddaughter. Because granddaughter asked for and received a few expensive items before Christmas, she herself told us to limit our usual vast array of gifts for her. So, even though that was difficult for me (I have been the QUEEN of 'over-giving') I adhered to that. I also consciously limited my giving to my daughter as well. As the gift giving evolved I ended up with a stack of gifts for ME. This is the first Christmas granddaughter has her own money from her job which she used to buy everyone gifts. She was so proud of herself, it was very cute. She bought me a lot of stuff. As I sat there on the couch opening all my presents, I felt a little weird since I have not been in that position before, where I was the one with so many gifts. I had to stretch and open up to be able to receive so much. SO also went a little crazy buying me stuff. .......................I think when you have spent so much of life being a giver, being a 'receiver' can take some getting used to. I am reaching a balance point in that.</p><p></p><p>After that, the day was so easy because I had the main dish and dessert catered. I had the entire day free, another unusual experience since in the past I have made myself responsible for everything and everybody, so often I was a tad stressed................yesterday? NO STRESS AT ALL.</p><p></p><p>My daughter arrived on time bearing champagne and gifts. She was pleasant, helpful and generous. She gave me a thoughtful rather expensive gift..............the first time in many years she has shown up at a function and contributed. I forced the issue of her bringing something and she did. She looked better then she has in years and was low key.............and easy to be around..........I was starting to think I was in an alternate Universe.</p><p></p><p>My granddaughter and my daughter made every attempt to be open and kind to each other, another new experience. They talked freely and I could see my granddaughter warming up to her mother and my daughter was trying to really be present.</p><p></p><p>In addition to the family stuff, I received a substantial salary increase and starting in January I will be off on Fridays..........as I have been threatening to retire, they are offering me a lot to stay. And, it has indeed made a difference in how I view continuing to work. So, even in my work life, things have gotten much easier and better.</p><p></p><p>This last two years, as many of you know, have been monstrous to go through.............as you all know from your own experience of learning how to detach from the people you love the most in the world.............this process is like no other, it can take you to the brink of utter despair and keep you hanging there indefinitely.......HOWEVER, if we can learn to accept what is, that acceptance changes every single aspect of our lives because it is giving up control, control we really never had in the first place.............and in doing so.............everything changes. </p><p></p><p>The internal shifting that has taken place within me has now begun producing results externally which I could not have predicted. Setting boundaries on bad behavior, insisting on being treated with the utmost in respect and dignity, learning to DO NOTHING in the face of scary stuff with my daughter, speaking my truth to the source of my discomfort, being quiet and not offering answers, sitting in my own pain and allowing all of those feelings to surface, putting the focus on ME and taking it off of my daughter, not 'over-giving,' practicing letting go on so many levels, removing myself from quite a number of unhealthy relationships...........has all brought me right here...........more balanced, more accepting and much much happier and calmer.</p><p></p><p>For those of us here in this combat zone, we are learning to be that peaceful warrior in the midst of the war. I know some people who have disconnected from intimate relationships to spare themselves the pain and hurt that can go along with loving someone...............which assures that you don't usually get hurt, but of course, what you forfeit is the human connection, the love, the pleasure and pain of having your heart blown open by LOVE. We, here on this site wage that war right on the battlefield, keeping our hearts open as we learn to love in a different way.............but love nonetheless. I think that is a major life accomplishment..................which all of us here share...............</p><p></p><p>I know some of you are still struggling...........I paused writing this because I don't want to be appear callous to that struggle, but I wanted to share a possible positive outcome to that struggle. We work so hard to learn to detach, to accept what is.............and I think it's very good to know that it works. I feel healthier and better then I ever have...............I am as much in awe of that as anyone...............and so, so very thankful...................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 615926, member: 13542"] As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I was thinking how different this Christmas was, not only compared to the last two years where difficult child daughter has been in a dramatic upheaval, but really, from ALL other Christmas' throughout my life. I am still sorting it through in my mind and I do believe it has almost everything to do with having learned to detach from my daughter's life's drama.........and in fact from my entire family's life's dramas. Yesterday started with opening gifts with SO and granddaughter. Because granddaughter asked for and received a few expensive items before Christmas, she herself told us to limit our usual vast array of gifts for her. So, even though that was difficult for me (I have been the QUEEN of 'over-giving') I adhered to that. I also consciously limited my giving to my daughter as well. As the gift giving evolved I ended up with a stack of gifts for ME. This is the first Christmas granddaughter has her own money from her job which she used to buy everyone gifts. She was so proud of herself, it was very cute. She bought me a lot of stuff. As I sat there on the couch opening all my presents, I felt a little weird since I have not been in that position before, where I was the one with so many gifts. I had to stretch and open up to be able to receive so much. SO also went a little crazy buying me stuff. .......................I think when you have spent so much of life being a giver, being a 'receiver' can take some getting used to. I am reaching a balance point in that. After that, the day was so easy because I had the main dish and dessert catered. I had the entire day free, another unusual experience since in the past I have made myself responsible for everything and everybody, so often I was a tad stressed................yesterday? NO STRESS AT ALL. My daughter arrived on time bearing champagne and gifts. She was pleasant, helpful and generous. She gave me a thoughtful rather expensive gift..............the first time in many years she has shown up at a function and contributed. I forced the issue of her bringing something and she did. She looked better then she has in years and was low key.............and easy to be around..........I was starting to think I was in an alternate Universe. My granddaughter and my daughter made every attempt to be open and kind to each other, another new experience. They talked freely and I could see my granddaughter warming up to her mother and my daughter was trying to really be present. In addition to the family stuff, I received a substantial salary increase and starting in January I will be off on Fridays..........as I have been threatening to retire, they are offering me a lot to stay. And, it has indeed made a difference in how I view continuing to work. So, even in my work life, things have gotten much easier and better. This last two years, as many of you know, have been monstrous to go through.............as you all know from your own experience of learning how to detach from the people you love the most in the world.............this process is like no other, it can take you to the brink of utter despair and keep you hanging there indefinitely.......HOWEVER, if we can learn to accept what is, that acceptance changes every single aspect of our lives because it is giving up control, control we really never had in the first place.............and in doing so.............everything changes. The internal shifting that has taken place within me has now begun producing results externally which I could not have predicted. Setting boundaries on bad behavior, insisting on being treated with the utmost in respect and dignity, learning to DO NOTHING in the face of scary stuff with my daughter, speaking my truth to the source of my discomfort, being quiet and not offering answers, sitting in my own pain and allowing all of those feelings to surface, putting the focus on ME and taking it off of my daughter, not 'over-giving,' practicing letting go on so many levels, removing myself from quite a number of unhealthy relationships...........has all brought me right here...........more balanced, more accepting and much much happier and calmer. For those of us here in this combat zone, we are learning to be that peaceful warrior in the midst of the war. I know some people who have disconnected from intimate relationships to spare themselves the pain and hurt that can go along with loving someone...............which assures that you don't usually get hurt, but of course, what you forfeit is the human connection, the love, the pleasure and pain of having your heart blown open by LOVE. We, here on this site wage that war right on the battlefield, keeping our hearts open as we learn to love in a different way.............but love nonetheless. I think that is a major life accomplishment..................which all of us here share............... I know some of you are still struggling...........I paused writing this because I don't want to be appear callous to that struggle, but I wanted to share a possible positive outcome to that struggle. We work so hard to learn to detach, to accept what is.............and I think it's very good to know that it works. I feel healthier and better then I ever have...............I am as much in awe of that as anyone...............and so, so very thankful................... [/QUOTE]
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