Yesterday was my difficult child's 40th birthday. I had invited her to dinner a couple of times and never heard back. I was planning on making her favorite meal, the one she always asked for as a child. When it got to be late afternoon and she had not notified me, I knew she was not going to. My SO and granddaughter and I went out to dinner. It was bittersweet. The Thanksgiving Day good feelings because she showed up without her drama coupled with the no show/ no communication of yesterday, were a sad reminder of the unpredictability of my daughter's life and the impact that has always had on me.
When I first endeavored down the Codependency recovery path a little over a year ago, I remember thinking to myself, these people are out of their minds to think that a mother can just detach from her child and disconnect in a way that is healthy enough to allow a restful nights sleep, a joyful everyday existence, peace of mind and a generally calm life. I was smug in my analysis of them, my judgements apparent, but I was so exhausted from the trying, the constant roller coaster, the drama, the intensity, the angers and resentments and guilt............I was just too tired to resist. And, little by little I started to listen to what was being said. Really, it went against what I believed motherhood and parenting were about...........it went against my natural instincts to protect, nurture, guide, take care of..........It was hard, hard to change my own thinking.
One class I attended early on was about healthy relationships and the facilitator said "is your serenity impacted by the behavior of those around you?" Duh. Well of course, isn't it supposed to be? Another mother there voiced my incredulous response and angrily debated the (obvious) truth that we mothers were immune from that kind of thinking, you don't just have a happy peaceful life when your child's life is running amok, and furthermore, how dare he insult us with this nonsense. The facilitator, with kind words and lots of encouragement assured us serenity was possible. I sat on the sidelines confused but a small door opened up, could you really have serenity in the midst of so much chaos in your difficult child's life? Yikes. I made that my goal.
This morning I read this quote, "Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." Sigh. Yes, I've learned, in likely a very hard way, that that is the truth. For me. I am not presuming to be right nor have any answers for others, this has simply been my path, my road to find peace which is what I really wanted all along. I guess I didn't know it would involve detaching from my daughter and accepting what is. Acceptance is an interesting concept, certainly an argument could ensue about accepting bad behavior and how that is not the right thing to do. But, as I've progressed through this maze, I've come to understand that what it means to me is accepting what I cannot alter, what I have no control over, what I have no power to change. That darn serenity prayer again. But, first I had to identify what I thought I had control over. My difficult child was just under my control simply because she is my offspring, I have rights to the way her life unfolds..............or so I thought. Learning that regardless of what I think of her choices, they are hers to make and it has pretty much nothing to do with me....... was challenging. My parental control was lifted off of me in the last year and after it was gone I realized how incredibly weighty it had become.
I'm feeling a bit melancholy today, life just isn't always what I want it to be............certainly this strange relationship I have with my daughter isn't what I want it to be, but it is what it is. I can rail against that til the cows come home, and I will experience a lot of pain and suffering if I do, been there done that. This acceptance stuff seeps in a little bit at a time.....each time I sink more comfortably into it, with less damage to myself and a tad more ease and then....... peace of mind arrives........gosh, when I feel that I think to myself, this is the state of mind I want to live in all the time, this is it. All I had to do to gain entry was to let go of my control over almost everything, of the one component of my life that is the most significant, the most valued, the most loved, my own child........ I understand the serenity prayer now, not only words to repeat to myself, but a very real sense of "knowing the difference" between what I can control and what to accept. It's so different from what I formally believed. And, yet if peace is what I am looking for, then the only way to that is acceptance. What a ride......
When I first endeavored down the Codependency recovery path a little over a year ago, I remember thinking to myself, these people are out of their minds to think that a mother can just detach from her child and disconnect in a way that is healthy enough to allow a restful nights sleep, a joyful everyday existence, peace of mind and a generally calm life. I was smug in my analysis of them, my judgements apparent, but I was so exhausted from the trying, the constant roller coaster, the drama, the intensity, the angers and resentments and guilt............I was just too tired to resist. And, little by little I started to listen to what was being said. Really, it went against what I believed motherhood and parenting were about...........it went against my natural instincts to protect, nurture, guide, take care of..........It was hard, hard to change my own thinking.
One class I attended early on was about healthy relationships and the facilitator said "is your serenity impacted by the behavior of those around you?" Duh. Well of course, isn't it supposed to be? Another mother there voiced my incredulous response and angrily debated the (obvious) truth that we mothers were immune from that kind of thinking, you don't just have a happy peaceful life when your child's life is running amok, and furthermore, how dare he insult us with this nonsense. The facilitator, with kind words and lots of encouragement assured us serenity was possible. I sat on the sidelines confused but a small door opened up, could you really have serenity in the midst of so much chaos in your difficult child's life? Yikes. I made that my goal.
This morning I read this quote, "Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." Sigh. Yes, I've learned, in likely a very hard way, that that is the truth. For me. I am not presuming to be right nor have any answers for others, this has simply been my path, my road to find peace which is what I really wanted all along. I guess I didn't know it would involve detaching from my daughter and accepting what is. Acceptance is an interesting concept, certainly an argument could ensue about accepting bad behavior and how that is not the right thing to do. But, as I've progressed through this maze, I've come to understand that what it means to me is accepting what I cannot alter, what I have no control over, what I have no power to change. That darn serenity prayer again. But, first I had to identify what I thought I had control over. My difficult child was just under my control simply because she is my offspring, I have rights to the way her life unfolds..............or so I thought. Learning that regardless of what I think of her choices, they are hers to make and it has pretty much nothing to do with me....... was challenging. My parental control was lifted off of me in the last year and after it was gone I realized how incredibly weighty it had become.
I'm feeling a bit melancholy today, life just isn't always what I want it to be............certainly this strange relationship I have with my daughter isn't what I want it to be, but it is what it is. I can rail against that til the cows come home, and I will experience a lot of pain and suffering if I do, been there done that. This acceptance stuff seeps in a little bit at a time.....each time I sink more comfortably into it, with less damage to myself and a tad more ease and then....... peace of mind arrives........gosh, when I feel that I think to myself, this is the state of mind I want to live in all the time, this is it. All I had to do to gain entry was to let go of my control over almost everything, of the one component of my life that is the most significant, the most valued, the most loved, my own child........ I understand the serenity prayer now, not only words to repeat to myself, but a very real sense of "knowing the difference" between what I can control and what to accept. It's so different from what I formally believed. And, yet if peace is what I am looking for, then the only way to that is acceptance. What a ride......
and hugs. Its not easy. I guess I had a heads up early since both my parents were such difficult children (my mom is still so, dad is deceased). I can tell you that its not that you are not sad for them. You are just not sad with them. You and have sympathy without empathy. You can understand that their choices are simply that. And in that comes a freedom that is wonderful.
