It's been about 6 weeks since I've had any real connection with my daughter other then one email from her a few weeks ago. I have to say, it's odd, it still feels a tad strange to NOT be so involved in her mishaps, but odd or not, my own life is much easier, more comfortable, calmer, freer and peaceful.
I do have moments, very small segments, where the reality of the situation hits me in my heart and takes my breath away. I think of her and what might have been versus 'what is', and it hurts my heart. My mother's heart has a crack in it and when reminded of her, that crack swells up and takes over, quickly shifting my joyful moment into something jagged and painful. The good news is that I have learned how to push those thoughts aside, with the full knowledge that I cannot do anything else, there is NOTHING to do, I've done it all, and within literally moments, I can get back on my own track.
I look at that in terms of my brain and neurotransmitters which due to repeated trauma, can literally create new pathways which then become the normal path of thinking. I use to be moving along, cruising by the 'trauma pathway'.... and zoom.... without warning, I'd be flying down that path at warp speed. It was like the slide right into hell. I begin to go down that road now, remember how much suffering it creates, and drive on by. So, little by little, I'm training my brain to continue along the path I'm on, MY path, not endeavoring down the 'trauma path' at all...... and it's working. After a while, that is just automatic behavior, so that's a part of my own journey now, to stop the automatic behavior.
For me to let go, I had to know I did everything possible to get my difficult child the help she needs. I did that and she may or may not avail herself to that help, I can't control that part. Worrying for me had become a lifestyle and I'm practicing letting go of that as well. My new way of thinking is that when something comes up I can trust myself to be able to handle it, as I always have, so there is no need to continually go over all the 'what ifs' until I have effectively ruined the moment I'm actually living in. It helps to have an SO who is not a worrier who reminds me to let it go when he sees me ruminating about something I have no control over. I continue to get a lot of support through all of this, which I believe is the only way I was able to let go and detach to begin with, with A LOT of help. Detaching from one's child has to be one of the hardest things one can do, I can't think of anything more difficult.
I am in a very calm and restful place right now which is kind of like a void, an empty space where much distress and angst use to live. It's good. I want to really enjoy it and recognize that life will fill up that empty space with other 'stuff' and I want to relish this and also keep my boundaries clear so that I don't allow any other forms of negative stress I can't control to gain entry into my new found inner sanctuary. I feel protective of that space. I'm creating a real life sanctuary in my home which will be the external space where I can go to write, read, relax, meditate, feel safe and peaceful in my little cocoon. We're moving furniture around this weekend to make that happen. That feels timely and right.
Long ago, before being a Mom and guardian of my family's mental illnesses came to be my life's work, I was a budding artist, writer, creative person. The responsibilities and remarkable burdens of other people lives and choices have kept me occupied for decades. As I now have time to ponder life from a different angle, one which isn't obscured with the demands of insanity, selfishness, entitlement, child rearing...............all of it.........I am free to be thinking only of me and what I want and need. What an incredibly intoxicating opportunity. I believe I will take advantage of it!
I've been reading a lot of posts here lately where other parents are suffering so much with the remarkable pain of trying to detach from their difficult child's. It reminds me often, I am just a breath away from that. I feel so fortunate to have trudged, ever so blindly, through that dark, dense and immensely heartbreaking forest ...........and made it out alive. Perhaps I can serve to be, like others here who are on the other side of detachment, a beacon of light in this darkness..........it can be done, we can get to acceptance and detachment and let go. Sigh. Certainly not what any one of us would choose, or want to do, but when the truth is right in front of us, at some point, we have to look and see it, acknowledge it, accept it and move on.
I'm grateful to be a part of this board which helped me to navigate through such a dark time in my life. I gain strength in the remarkable journeys of all the parents here who through such pain and suffering, rise to all the occasions and find their own way through. As always, I wish all the parents here peace..... and the comfort to really know that what you are doing, is right.
I do have moments, very small segments, where the reality of the situation hits me in my heart and takes my breath away. I think of her and what might have been versus 'what is', and it hurts my heart. My mother's heart has a crack in it and when reminded of her, that crack swells up and takes over, quickly shifting my joyful moment into something jagged and painful. The good news is that I have learned how to push those thoughts aside, with the full knowledge that I cannot do anything else, there is NOTHING to do, I've done it all, and within literally moments, I can get back on my own track.
I look at that in terms of my brain and neurotransmitters which due to repeated trauma, can literally create new pathways which then become the normal path of thinking. I use to be moving along, cruising by the 'trauma pathway'.... and zoom.... without warning, I'd be flying down that path at warp speed. It was like the slide right into hell. I begin to go down that road now, remember how much suffering it creates, and drive on by. So, little by little, I'm training my brain to continue along the path I'm on, MY path, not endeavoring down the 'trauma path' at all...... and it's working. After a while, that is just automatic behavior, so that's a part of my own journey now, to stop the automatic behavior.
For me to let go, I had to know I did everything possible to get my difficult child the help she needs. I did that and she may or may not avail herself to that help, I can't control that part. Worrying for me had become a lifestyle and I'm practicing letting go of that as well. My new way of thinking is that when something comes up I can trust myself to be able to handle it, as I always have, so there is no need to continually go over all the 'what ifs' until I have effectively ruined the moment I'm actually living in. It helps to have an SO who is not a worrier who reminds me to let it go when he sees me ruminating about something I have no control over. I continue to get a lot of support through all of this, which I believe is the only way I was able to let go and detach to begin with, with A LOT of help. Detaching from one's child has to be one of the hardest things one can do, I can't think of anything more difficult.
I am in a very calm and restful place right now which is kind of like a void, an empty space where much distress and angst use to live. It's good. I want to really enjoy it and recognize that life will fill up that empty space with other 'stuff' and I want to relish this and also keep my boundaries clear so that I don't allow any other forms of negative stress I can't control to gain entry into my new found inner sanctuary. I feel protective of that space. I'm creating a real life sanctuary in my home which will be the external space where I can go to write, read, relax, meditate, feel safe and peaceful in my little cocoon. We're moving furniture around this weekend to make that happen. That feels timely and right.
Long ago, before being a Mom and guardian of my family's mental illnesses came to be my life's work, I was a budding artist, writer, creative person. The responsibilities and remarkable burdens of other people lives and choices have kept me occupied for decades. As I now have time to ponder life from a different angle, one which isn't obscured with the demands of insanity, selfishness, entitlement, child rearing...............all of it.........I am free to be thinking only of me and what I want and need. What an incredibly intoxicating opportunity. I believe I will take advantage of it!
I've been reading a lot of posts here lately where other parents are suffering so much with the remarkable pain of trying to detach from their difficult child's. It reminds me often, I am just a breath away from that. I feel so fortunate to have trudged, ever so blindly, through that dark, dense and immensely heartbreaking forest ...........and made it out alive. Perhaps I can serve to be, like others here who are on the other side of detachment, a beacon of light in this darkness..........it can be done, we can get to acceptance and detachment and let go. Sigh. Certainly not what any one of us would choose, or want to do, but when the truth is right in front of us, at some point, we have to look and see it, acknowledge it, accept it and move on.
I'm grateful to be a part of this board which helped me to navigate through such a dark time in my life. I gain strength in the remarkable journeys of all the parents here who through such pain and suffering, rise to all the occasions and find their own way through. As always, I wish all the parents here peace..... and the comfort to really know that what you are doing, is right.
