Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Post Mother's Day thoughts.............
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 594613" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I know that I suffer for difficult child's recognition of the loss of who she was, for her confusion over where she finds herself, now. I suffer for her bewilderment, for her pain in realizing what was lost while she was "gone". But I also know there is a kind of relief for her, in not having to maintain a front that no longer meant anything to her ~ that may never have meant anything real to her. I think those feelings are the ones I am going to have to make my heart big enough to rest easy with. Like any mom, it hurts me to see my child's pain, her confusion, her courage in trying to pick it all up again.</p><p></p><p>I also suffer for my own, petty reasons. I want successful children. I want my children to reflect well on me, so I can sort of "one up" all the other moms. I like to bemoan my fate when I don't receive flowers or cards or visits or fancy things from my children. Concrete evidence of having parented successfully, so I can show off to myself about that. I harbor a sense of shame, in family gatherings. There, I feel...I think that is where I feel most like a failure, feel most that my poor difficult child is a failure. My sister. My mother. My sister's children. </p><p></p><p>How petty I am.</p><p></p><p>Really, my life hasn't changed. My daughter is suffering in a way I cannot begin to understand. And I am whining about what I've missed, what I needed, what I deserve. </p><p></p><p>The secret truth is that these things, these petty, foolish, meaningless things, are fueling my "depression". I am not the victim, here. If there is a victim, it is difficult child. But...on some level, difficult child did choose this path. So perhaps, there is no victim. I see my own cowardice, my own pettiness, in the extremity of my reaction. Good Lord. I think I might even have been riding pretty high on having "lost everything that mattered".</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>How shaming.</p><p></p><p>Oh, there was a time, when all this was new, when those feelings were sharp and real and true. I was confused, then. I fought desperately to make things "right". I did feel everything I thought I knew liquefy and slip through my fingers. But now, it's gone. It is what it is. And I am still whistling in the dark, pretending it didn't happen, pretending I have anything to say about it, at all. </p><p></p><p>Well, shoot.</p><p></p><p>Here is another quote: "It occurred to her suddenly that she wasn't very good at bitterness or regret, that she didn't have the stamina for them, and if she were to recover her dignity, she had better shape up fast." Anne Rice</p><p></p><p>"...but to hold all of it in a different way, so I am not continually suffering." ~ Recovering Enabler </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>"Listen. Make a way for yourself inside yourself. Stop looking in that other way of looking." ~ Rumi</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 594613, member: 1721"] I know that I suffer for difficult child's recognition of the loss of who she was, for her confusion over where she finds herself, now. I suffer for her bewilderment, for her pain in realizing what was lost while she was "gone". But I also know there is a kind of relief for her, in not having to maintain a front that no longer meant anything to her ~ that may never have meant anything real to her. I think those feelings are the ones I am going to have to make my heart big enough to rest easy with. Like any mom, it hurts me to see my child's pain, her confusion, her courage in trying to pick it all up again. I also suffer for my own, petty reasons. I want successful children. I want my children to reflect well on me, so I can sort of "one up" all the other moms. I like to bemoan my fate when I don't receive flowers or cards or visits or fancy things from my children. Concrete evidence of having parented successfully, so I can show off to myself about that. I harbor a sense of shame, in family gatherings. There, I feel...I think that is where I feel most like a failure, feel most that my poor difficult child is a failure. My sister. My mother. My sister's children. How petty I am. Really, my life hasn't changed. My daughter is suffering in a way I cannot begin to understand. And I am whining about what I've missed, what I needed, what I deserve. The secret truth is that these things, these petty, foolish, meaningless things, are fueling my "depression". I am not the victim, here. If there is a victim, it is difficult child. But...on some level, difficult child did choose this path. So perhaps, there is no victim. I see my own cowardice, my own pettiness, in the extremity of my reaction. Good Lord. I think I might even have been riding pretty high on having "lost everything that mattered". Huh. How shaming. Oh, there was a time, when all this was new, when those feelings were sharp and real and true. I was confused, then. I fought desperately to make things "right". I did feel everything I thought I knew liquefy and slip through my fingers. But now, it's gone. It is what it is. And I am still whistling in the dark, pretending it didn't happen, pretending I have anything to say about it, at all. Well, shoot. Here is another quote: "It occurred to her suddenly that she wasn't very good at bitterness or regret, that she didn't have the stamina for them, and if she were to recover her dignity, she had better shape up fast." Anne Rice "...but to hold all of it in a different way, so I am not continually suffering." ~ Recovering Enabler :O) "Listen. Make a way for yourself inside yourself. Stop looking in that other way of looking." ~ Rumi Barbara [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Post Mother's Day thoughts.............
Top