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Post Mother's Day thoughts.............
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 594668" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Barbara, there are so many emotions to have to wade through when our children of any age don't follow the normal trajectory of their peers or our expectations of them. I think all of those feelings you have had are absolutely normal parental stuff that most parents don't ever have to address because it doesn't come up for them, so they don't have to deal with their own expectations of their children or how for many of us, our worth is bound up in their achievements or their successes..........our successful, healthy kids validate who we are. So, if your kid is successful and healthy, you really never have to look at the parts of parenting that may have tied you in in UNHEALTHY ways to your kids, making them in odd ways responsible for your sense of well being. I think that's pretty weighty on kids, whether we are aware of it or not.</p><p></p><p>Around here all of that goes overboard quickly as we come to realize that we are not in control of their behavior, whether is is failure or success. It's nice to take bows when our kids succeed, but it's really the same as taking the hits when they fail. The only difference is that WE know we can't do that. Other parents of successful, healthy kids may never know that. </p><p></p><p>You aren't a coward, or petty, nor are you whining about things that are unimportant. It seems to me to be a process for us to understand the negative connections we're formed with our offspring, if we have any of those, the ones which not only harm them, but harm us too. </p><p></p><p>Shaming is an inside job, I believe it's born out of our desire to cover up the parts of ourselves that we perceive as less then. So, if you have wrapped all of your good feelings and worth and value around being a good parent and how your kids turn out defines you, then your children not doing well would be a really big issue for you as well as for them. That's the reason I have sought professional help throughout all of this, I have my part in it, I can correct that, but I need to know what it is to heal it and then I know where all the healthy boundaries lie. </p><p></p><p>I think all of your feelings are normal............it's tough to distinguish ourselves from our children, where do they leave off and we begin. But for us here on this site, that distinction is mandatory, in order to create healthy boundaries, in order to confront the issues successfully, in order to detach and accept, we need to know that. </p><p></p><p>Our children's choices really don't have much to do with us once they are adults. We are separate entities. Comparing your difficult child to others is an exercise in suffering. She is struggling, if you take all the comparisons and the judgments out, she is simply who she is right now.</p><p></p><p>Don't be so hard on yourself as you travel along this road, it's a really difficult path to be on........it insults all of our parental beliefs and throws them to the wind............we have to invent new ways to think and feel so we can adapt and change so we can find peace. It is so positive that you can see these facets of yourself that are no longer working, I had to look at all of that too.........if you can see it, you can change it. It's when the stuff is out of our awareness that it wrecks havoc in our lives. </p><p></p><p>Your daughter is a separate person, her choices are fueled by drugs and mental illness.........you can't control that..........you didn't create it..............you can't fix it............it's not your fault...............and it's not a reflection of you, or a result of your parenting skills..................as you learn to put all of that aside, you can look at her and really see who she is, separate from you and your expectations, fears, angers, disappointments, comparisons, all of it..........I'm still working through all of that too, it is really challenging............but little by little I am able to just look and see the truth, however harrowing, however poignant, and let go of the way I think it should all be and allow it to be what it is. Sigh. <em>We definitely need a bigger boat..........</em>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 594668, member: 13542"] Barbara, there are so many emotions to have to wade through when our children of any age don't follow the normal trajectory of their peers or our expectations of them. I think all of those feelings you have had are absolutely normal parental stuff that most parents don't ever have to address because it doesn't come up for them, so they don't have to deal with their own expectations of their children or how for many of us, our worth is bound up in their achievements or their successes..........our successful, healthy kids validate who we are. So, if your kid is successful and healthy, you really never have to look at the parts of parenting that may have tied you in in UNHEALTHY ways to your kids, making them in odd ways responsible for your sense of well being. I think that's pretty weighty on kids, whether we are aware of it or not. Around here all of that goes overboard quickly as we come to realize that we are not in control of their behavior, whether is is failure or success. It's nice to take bows when our kids succeed, but it's really the same as taking the hits when they fail. The only difference is that WE know we can't do that. Other parents of successful, healthy kids may never know that. You aren't a coward, or petty, nor are you whining about things that are unimportant. It seems to me to be a process for us to understand the negative connections we're formed with our offspring, if we have any of those, the ones which not only harm them, but harm us too. Shaming is an inside job, I believe it's born out of our desire to cover up the parts of ourselves that we perceive as less then. So, if you have wrapped all of your good feelings and worth and value around being a good parent and how your kids turn out defines you, then your children not doing well would be a really big issue for you as well as for them. That's the reason I have sought professional help throughout all of this, I have my part in it, I can correct that, but I need to know what it is to heal it and then I know where all the healthy boundaries lie. I think all of your feelings are normal............it's tough to distinguish ourselves from our children, where do they leave off and we begin. But for us here on this site, that distinction is mandatory, in order to create healthy boundaries, in order to confront the issues successfully, in order to detach and accept, we need to know that. Our children's choices really don't have much to do with us once they are adults. We are separate entities. Comparing your difficult child to others is an exercise in suffering. She is struggling, if you take all the comparisons and the judgments out, she is simply who she is right now. Don't be so hard on yourself as you travel along this road, it's a really difficult path to be on........it insults all of our parental beliefs and throws them to the wind............we have to invent new ways to think and feel so we can adapt and change so we can find peace. It is so positive that you can see these facets of yourself that are no longer working, I had to look at all of that too.........if you can see it, you can change it. It's when the stuff is out of our awareness that it wrecks havoc in our lives. Your daughter is a separate person, her choices are fueled by drugs and mental illness.........you can't control that..........you didn't create it..............you can't fix it............it's not your fault...............and it's not a reflection of you, or a result of your parenting skills..................as you learn to put all of that aside, you can look at her and really see who she is, separate from you and your expectations, fears, angers, disappointments, comparisons, all of it..........I'm still working through all of that too, it is really challenging............but little by little I am able to just look and see the truth, however harrowing, however poignant, and let go of the way I think it should all be and allow it to be what it is. Sigh. [I]We definitely need a bigger boat..........[/I]. [/QUOTE]
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