Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Feb 5, 2008.
Deleted. Thank you for your help.
in my humble opinion if the friend offered the job to difficult child then as long as difficult child is honest about telling her shortcomings, if asked, the job is between them. If your friend said to YOU what do you think about difficult child taking this job then you are roped into the middle. I think I would try to step out of the picture and say this is between them to figure out if it would work. If friend asked YOUR OPINION, then I think you would be obligated to say difficult child tires easily. If friend offered difficult child the job based only on YOUR friendship, then if you value that friendship I would tell difficult child to take a pass.
Do you think difficult child could handle the job? Or is she even interested? Know that if you are involved in the job your friend will come to you if difficult child isn't handling it well. You will get to deal with any shortcomings......tough call, unless you see your difficult child as capable of handling this.
The urge to want to rush in and "pad" the situation is overwhelming with me. I know I can't do this my sons entire job-life. So while I dearly want to look at potential employers and give them the "he's disabled to a degree" speech - I refrain and figure I'll let him try on some jobs, and when they don't go well we can go over the problems to prevent future problems.
I'm currently trying to get him involved with Vocational rehab which offers training and jobs to people in Sc with disabilities -including health issues, not being able to follow directions without one on one supervision.
You know - you could talk to your daughter and suggest to her that BEFORE her disabilities get in the way of progress she has a heart to heart with this woman and see if something can be worked out before it's a personal tragedy - and honesty IS the best policy but the job will be your daughters - so it's HER honesty the boss will be looking for.
Your friend offered the job to your difficult child knowing that she has some disabilities. I would stay out of it and hope for the best.
The job sounds perfect for your difficult child. She enjoys working with children and the hours are perfect for her. I think that she needs to give it a try.
"You know - you could talk to your daughter and suggest to her that BEFORE her disabilities get in the way of progress she has a heart to heart with this woman and see if something can be worked out before it's a personal tragedy - and honesty IS the best policy but the job will be your daughters - so it's HER honesty the boss will be looking for."
Nomad, I agree with Star here. I know how hard it is not to step in and try to buffer for your difficult child but I see this as a huge chance for her to handle it herself. I can't help but think that if your difficult child talks to the women and is honest it will help with her problem solving skills and self-esteem.
Just some thoughts.
I have a similar situation. My difficult child's current, and one past, job were gotton by asking friends to "Put in a good word" for him.
The last one was seasonal work and a business owned by a friend run by her husband. She knew of his depression and that he was on medications. However I told her that any problems were going to be between the boss and GHG. If they had to discipline or terminate it would not affect our personal friendship. Luckily they loved him and his work!!
His current job was through a friend of my husband. We told him of the ADD and medications. and told him samething about GHG's job performance and need to terminate if nessasary. This one is still new so we don't know if he'll keep it or want to.
On another note, I work in childcare and have for over twenty years. Volunteering first is a great idea, this field can be very fun and fulfilling, but it can also be very, very stressful. Good luck!!
in my humble opinion, your difficult child is entitled to her privacy as an adult. If you do not believe she would be a danger to children, then stay back. It's not our place as parents to treat them as children. Remember you want her to be independent. She can't do that if you treat her as a child.
Imagine your horror if you got a decent job and your husband/mother etc talked to your boss about your weakness, diagnosis' or private info.
I would help daughter to figure this out and let her decide what's the best way to approach the situation. Daycare is stressful in my humble opinion again. On the other hand, she will never find her niche if she can't take offers.
We, on the other hand as a last resort helped difficult child with a job after being unemployed for 5 months. It didn't work out very well. We will try to never do it again.
Your difficult child got her job without your input. Let it alone. Help daughter to role play. Present a day care situation and help her understand the expectations and proper responses. Not just telling her but role playing. If she finds 5 days a week too much then she can talk to the supervisor. Hopefully by then she will have proven herself to be a good employee and will work with her.
I agree with Fran. If you dont think she would be a danger to the kids (and from what I have read about your daughter I dont think she would be) then I would stay out of it.
I would be horrified if my family attempted to interfere in me getting a job. It was bad enough when I learned that my mother had written letters to everyone under the sun including the director of social services and the governor of NC telling him how awful and unstable I was when I was already working there! Thankfully my supervisors had seen her coming in looking like a bag lady so she wasnt taken seriously but just think about what she could have done to my career!
The only way your daughter is going to know if she can work and learn how to work and be a good employee is by trying. This really isnt about you.
Thank you very much everyone for your wonderful responses. I will reread them a few times.
Right this second...it seems to be a big family drama at the moment...
husband says that difficult child is mistaken re: the difficulty of getting to the job. She reluctantly agrees and also kinda/sorta sees concern that if she has trouble getting to the job and then some additional trouble maintaining the job on top of that, then this could spell trouble.
So, the current thought is that difficult child and husband will ask this lady if she has any colleagues in the business (this is a very good possibility) in day care near difficult children new apartment and if she could give her one or two leads and perhaps put in a good word for her.
Well...this is the latest...it might change in the next five minutes.
Which reminds me...a week ago, difficult child said she would cooperate with voc reh counseling...now she says "no way," so, we never know what to expect from her.
The only thing that has been somewhat consistent is that she would like to work part time and we do feel that if the job was easy to get to and not to stressful and part time...there would be a shot.
husband is looking at this as putting in some imput, but not overly so. Actually, difficult child is good at getting jobs...she gets all dressed up for interviews, for example. Does her nails and hair. Then might show up for her first day on the job looking like a ragamuffin. My guess is it freaks out folks.
I think that the person needs to know about difficult child's limitations and make the decision if she would hire her or not. A friend of ours had approached me last year and asked what I thought of her hiring Melissa on a temp basis for something like 5-6 weeks. I gave her the honest truth about her, and my friend decided it would not be in the best interest of the company to hire her. Of course, in my case, Melissa was not consulted at all. My friend had asked me for my opinion.
I agree with Fran.
To her comments, I would add that this may be difficult child's opportunity to blossom, step by step, into independent adulthood.
Let her work out the details of transportation and anything else that needs to be tended to. If she should ask you for a ride or a car or some other concrete thing, then you can think how to respond.
Think how you would feel if your parents revealed private information to a potential employer. Whether you were offered the job or not, you would feel trapped in some old, unreliable identity ~ or worse, you might feel that your parents knew best and you truly were not equipped to make it in the world.
Believe in difficult child now so she can believe in herself. If things don't work out, there will be time enough to figure out what to do then.
I know you are worried about her, Nomad ~ but I think she needs to try her wings on a clear field. Believe in her, celebrate these changes with her, pray that all goes well, and let her try.
Trying to delete.
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