Pour on the Sympathy.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Nov 24, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    A new email from katie today.........one that just reeks of how I am supposed to feel so very very sorry for her and the kids. Oh gimme a break.

    "Oh, I feel like crud because I can't buy my kids any presents this year, or even pick out presents for them this year. We've called everywhere and no one wants to hire us, can you believe I only have 100 units left on my phone? Oh why oh why don't they want to hire me?? Welfare caseworker won't call her back so she has no insurance card and no medications for herself or the kids. (and no food stamps I bet) Kayla and Alex cry constantly and keep asking me why they have to stay in the shelter. It's horrible. And Evan contracted ringworm from someone in the shelter............ And I just am probably not going to be good company tomorrow because I feel like a low life."

    Well.........hmmm. If the shoe fits, wear it.:mad: Oh, wait, let me pull out my violin. omg

    So, did I give her a sympathetic response? Hahahaha No.

    I told her that santa and his elves are hard at work so she needs to stop thinking about xmas and keep her mind and effort focused on important things like a job, housing, ect. I told her that she needs to talk to M, or have a staff member there talk to him, about the way he dresses when he looks for work that a 40 something man dressed like a 15 yr old gangsta gives the 1st impression that he is a thug, a thief, a drug addict, or a total nut job. No one is going to hire a man his age dressed like that. He looks ridiculous. Then I apologized for not being able to come up with a way to state that tactfully. lol Then I told her to go next door and volunteer at the salvation army to get referrences that are current, I doubt they'd have too much issue with Evan tagging along or M could watch him.

    I reminded her for the now 4th time that our Tday celebration is NOT tomorrow but friday and Nichole will pick her up at 10am and to be ready and waiting. Told her that will give them a break for a day from the shelter and they can eat until they pop. lol Told her again that easy child and I are taking the kids on the 18th and 19th for darrin's birthday party and xmas shopping, and that they will be sleeping over on xmas eve.

    I ended it with instead of feeling sorry for yourself, try getting PO about your situation to the point where you get motivated enough to not give up until you find work. Ok that I did put tactfully, but that was the point and I made it clear.

    The kids have been out of school all week. Sounds like they're driving her nuts. lol Can't say I blame them, there isn't anything to do. Also.........her caseworker won't refer her to Red Cross shelter.........most likely a major disappointment there. She has the medical card I brought to her and that is still good until they issue her a new card, duh.....should actually be the same for the food stamps. All she did was move counties, not the darn state. And I've told her repeatedly she has to go down to the welfare office and talk to them. sheesh It's not that far from her.

    It's coming to a head.

    Nichole and easy child have about had it with the poor pity me routine. It doesn't wash when they work their tails off to get what they have. (Nichole just interviewed for a 2nd job) Nichole says there are tons of listings up there, they must not be looking. So........some words may fly during our family dinner. Especially since we are working so hard to make this as special an xmas as possible for the grands because it may be the only Family Christmas they ever get if katie decides to up and take off. I can handle the pity me crud and let it roll off my back while I just grin and nod and repeat what they need to be doing. Lots of years of practice. lol

    At least katie did go to the clinic and get the cream for the ring worm. I told her to be thankful it wasn't lice. :rofl: Yep that was mean, and I meant it to be. Last time she was here she gave the entire family lice, I've never been so mad in my life cuz she sat here for weeks and never said a word knowing she had them. I had to cut Nichole's waist length hair to her shoulders. Then we had to do it a 2nd time because she didn't like the smell of the medicated shampoo so didn't use it right.........so the 2nd time I shampooed her hair with it. ugh:mad: Sorry, ring worm I can handle. It happens.

    You never know what may happen on friday. I've done this whole deal by listening to my gut. So far it hasn't steered me wrong. I may just be the one who blurts out Why not just let the kids stay with us then....... lol Cuz that is the way how I'm handling this keeps happening. All of a sudden it's like something else takes over and out it comes. lol

    Yeah, don't really see her letting the kids stay here. That would be an end to her meal ticket. But I can always dream.:tongue:

    Wow. Two weeks.........I wonder what condition she'll be in by xmas vacation. :rofl: :devil:
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I almost think you should just start with ONE kid. I mean, they keep using Evan as an excuse for not finding work....why not just play their game? O let me keep Evan while you are out job-hunting - ya know, as though you are doing them this HUGE favor because you feel sorry for them. And hey, you can take him for medical and dental treatment (since it's such a hardship for them to get to the doctor)....you just need them to sign this legal form so that you can get the treatment for him.

    Good luck with your holiday plans! I hope there's not too much drama...
  3. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I hate to even say this Lisa, but at 30, she is so used to her lifestyle, I dont really think there is anything you or anyone else can say that is going to jolt her into a normal way of life. After a time, the stress of living hand to mouth, in shelters, living here, moving there, well satisfied with a hand out vrs a hand up, choice of a loser daddy and mate, not to mention the drama of it all, its what she likes, and is used to, and is not inclined in the slightest to change, or she would have by now. Your ire at the situation is going to fall on deaf ears, your head is going to burst into flames and its not going to really register.

    My suggestion, when she starts with the woe is me, say thats too bad, then change the subject. Put your focus on what you can do to ease the plight of your grandchildren do whenever you can when you can. Their moms decision to drag them into her lifestyle hoovers but nothing you can do apart from calling CPS or taking them in yourself.

    It was difficult to finally come to terms with my eldest's lifestyle and producing a baby every relationship to try and seal the current deal with a pot head, crack/meth head and alcoholic, and finally say thats enough drama for me, thank you very much. Any conversations revolve around how the grandkids are doing and I don't ask, or want to know, about how her life with current baby daddy is going or not going. If and when the current relationship tanks, the gkids would be more than welcome to come and stay while she gets on her feet, but she could not ever come here to live again. Am too old and love my no drama status too much LOL

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are doing a great job with not getting pulled into her drama. I think that there is very little that she will actually DO to improve her life. If the kids are taken away from her she will have another so that she can get WIC and other things. Until she has a hysterectomy or menopause she will continue to do this because otherwise she would have no meal ticket. Offering to take Evan might be a start, but it would likely hurt the other two kids a whole lot. Why should they be punished by having to stay with loser parents in a shelter while Evan, who NEVER behaves and is hard hard hard to handle gets to go live at Gma's house with people who love him and will take care of him? They would see it as Gma and Gpa loving him more, no matter WHAT they are told as a reason for you taking just Evan into your home. Katie and M will likely use this to put a wedge between you and Kayla and Alex so that they won't want to go live with you.

    I doubt there is ANY way they will volunteer anywhere, and will do very little of what their caseworker demands - just enough to continue to stay there. I hope that CPS comes in very soon, maybe Katie will get migraines and then will have to use drugs to treat them instead of going to the doctor and using some real medicine instead of heroin or whatever she is hooked on. At this point I am pretty sure she is hooked on something. No way did all that money get used up on legal things, not with as soon as it ran out.

    Many hugs, you are doing EXACTLY right, and doing all you can. Drop me a PM anytime you want me to make the calls we discussed.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I LOVE Daisy's idea, like to the nth degree. LOVE IT. LOVE IT. And Marcy is SO dead on right it is (still laughing at head bursting into flames comment and picturing that) but she is sooooo right and you know she is.

    I sat in a food bank the other day Tuesday - and the majority of the people that were in there with me were dressed like me. It wasn't that I judge or make comparisons ever, just observation of this one woman. 40ish, loud, and hacking cough, and felt the need to go around and touch everyone in the room and did that 'crazy' impersonation. I say impersonnation because I think it was bunk. I think it was bunk and she KNEW I knew she was full of it. How do I know? Because she did the up, down, up, down in and out of the room, talking loud enough for everyone to hear her business, and sit next to you, touch you, laugh -agree with me am I crazy or what 'thing' with everyone in the room EXCEPT me. I just sat there watching her thinking to myself "WHAT a horrible little actress." She was bumming cigarettes off those who would share, whispering to the men that would let her get that close, and doing her crazy routine until there was not a single person left in the room except her and I. I just sat there and when there was only her and I in the room? She sat down, never approached me, didn't ask me for anything, no cigarettes, no stories, no how sad she felt, not how down and out she was - not how hungry she was - nothing. She just sat there quietly. Finally she looked over at me and started to say something and I looked right at her as if to say "Choose your words carefully." and she said "You don't play do you?" I said NOTHING. Not yes, not no, not a head jesture - I just stared at her, and got up then turned and said "No one can give you your dignity back - it's something you have to earn once you loose it." and I left the room. IMVHO she had lost all of hers. Years of giving it away for a cigarette here, or a free ride there thinking it was easier than working for a living or struggling a little to keep some self respect.

    I guess some people may feel sorry for people like that and those types of people have to exist in the world to balance us out. We can't all be hard without ever showing any mercy - but people don't always realize, and neither did I when it came to Dude that if some of these 'easy street' people are ever going to learn any of lifes lessons for some it will have to be in such a hard way that the rest of us will want to put out a hand for them or their kids to cushion the blow but we do no favors in doing so. The harder lesson it seems to me comes for us - because when there are children involved the balance isn't right - we should be able to help the kids without helping the parents and I'm not sure you can, or at least at this point I'm not sure HOW you can. I can only draw on my own life experiences here and I know that what little my Mom and Dad DID know about what Dude and I were going through? It must have killed them. Had they ever known all what we were living in I was sure they would come and rescue us. Well - not so. Even years later it was confusing because I kept thinking HOW could you NOT rush in here - HE IS YOUR GRANDSON??? But the reality of it was - HAD they saved him? They saved ME too - and in saving ME? I learned less than. By allowing me to live my own life I guess I got to see full tilt what was to be....and in my mind I just couldn't have it. It was like - THIS is WHAT WILL happen - on MY OWN.

    In K's case - Marcie has nailed it - and so has Daisy - K is comfortable living like she does with husband. husband is comfortable sponging and putting K out there to figure it out. If you took the kids away? They'd probably be the two happiest people in the world free to be 40 and irresponsible or rather responsible for no one else but themselves again. I don't get the feeling that children are a blessing to them - rather a burden or a tool to get. This **** about Christmas presents. Has she offered to do ANY work to earn money for gifts? Has HE? I mean raking leaves $10 a yard? There's some money. Unemployment office is re-training people left and right for new jobs. It just makes me curious if you DID take Evan WHAT the excuse would be for them?

    I'd take it a step further - Guardanship - draw up paperwork stating you can take Evan to school, hospital - doctor - and give them XX days to get their mess together. If not? have them sign him over to you. Then start with the little girl. Maybe then that would show YOU how non-serious or hopefully serious they are about easy-peasy street. In any event it could only improve for the grands.

    I just wouldn't want to be in this situation - I was a GM from HADES over Ouixa...and I STILL am.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I hear ya ladies. More than you know.

    Star I had to chuckle at the crazy lady in your story. That is soooo katie just without the crazy part........or maybe she tosses that in for other people, I dunno. lol The poor pity me routine does not work on me. I'm not so much frustrated with her behavior, because I do realize neither of them are going to change. I am frustrated that the grands have to endure their parents, and the actions of their parents. And it does complicate the entire issue. Somewhere deep down there will always be the hope that katie could change........but seriously, like you, I know it will never happen. That doesn't frustrate me, I just find that mind set impossible to understand.

    I won't take one grand without the others unless I'm forced to for the reasons Susie stated,.

    There is a part of me that wishes katie had stayed in Mo. While I knew this junk was going on even there...........well, there wasn't much I could do about it due to distance alone. I thank God every day she's had her tubes tied and can't bring anymore innocent victims into the situation. The only smart adult decision the girl has ever made.

    The Mo shelter (scam that it was) was cushy compared to the one they're in. I mean it is a decent place.........but in the last shelter katie had a private room in which to take refuge. She has no such place this time. So not only are the kids up in her face 24/7, but she has to deal with the other residents, their kids.......those residents kids fighting with her kids ect. It's the in your face deal that I'm counting on, because katie can't even discipline the kids in private. And now that the grands have had a big taste of normal.......they're making her life a living hades.

    It won't be long before she is wide open for the idea of me taking the kids, or cps will get involved and force the issue. Meanwhile I am biding my time and focusing on the grands.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Atta GIRL.........did I mention this woman also came into the food bank wearing a tshirt and shoes from the 1980's? I'm thinking - OH boy - you must dig those out of the trunk whenever you want 'sympathetic ears and eyes' because the jeans and the cigarettes, lighter and lingo were very much 2010. No, I don't play - indeed. I just kept waiting for her to impose her brand of crazy on me while touching me - THEN? Then she would have seen crazy. Probably from the flat of her back. lol.....(snicker)
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Depending on how Friday goes, maybe just suggest keeping the kids until Christmas...and then...maybe just a few more weeks...and then....

    You'd need something to get them enrolled back in their school near you and medical care...and maybe that could eventually be used to get guardianship?????? I don't know
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    She feels like crud because she can't buy them presents?? She should feel like crud because they live in a shelter. She worries about the wrong things. How can they have nice presents in a shelter, if even Evan's coat was stolen?
    Can they apply for section 8 housing? or something like that? A job for either of them won't pay enough for housing and the expenses that go with it. They just use it for spending money.
    I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with them, and at least for today, the kids will be ok. Enjoy your day.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big sigh... You did all of the right things, Lisa. How did the dinner turn out?
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Dinner was far from normal in any real sense of the word. I am able to put on an act that could win me an academy award.....seriously as I learned at my grandmother's knee how to kill em with kindness and she had it down to an art form. My kids have not as yet mastered this art.

    Ok, so we had the normal foods.........that was about it. There was no friendly chatting and bantering between family members that would normally be present. In fact the tension could be cut with a knife. Katie was sick........and for once she actually looked sick. Alex and Evan were both keyed up to the hilt and more than a bit aggressive. (guessing some of that has to do with shelter living) Kayla was fine, but I could tell she was picking up on the tension.

    We made a TON of food, mostly because katie and family eat enough for at least 3 families on their own. So what happened? Phhht! Katie and M picked at the food (ok so katie wasn't feeling well) Evan flat out refused to eat and his parents didn't make him, Alex proclaimed he didn't like just about everything except the meat........then darrin made the fatal mistake of showing Alex his hand held video game and Alex TOTALLY ZONED OUT until I took it away from him, which did not make me popular as a Nana. I refused to give it back until he'd eaten. It was an autistic type zone out..........I know from experience. ugh

    No one was conversing with katie and M........most likely because they were afraid they'd blow up at them. (I've told them to keep it zipped until we see how this plays out) In fact they were avoiding them completely, speaking only to the kids. lol But I decided to strike up a conversation.......wanted to get some clarification on things and wanted to see if they could keep their lies straight. You'd think people who are so blatantly obviously terrible at lying would stop by now. Not these two. From the moment they arrived (literally) I started getting bombarded with the fact that Alex's backpack had been stolen (as well as all his school supplies that were in the backpack) followed by expectant looks that clearly wanted me to volunteer to buy a new one.......so I simply said that's too bad and kept changing the subject. So I asked katie point blank how Evan's coat and Alex's backpack had been stolen when they were in the day baskets which go into a locked room monitored by staff members? I saw the set up myself when I went to deliver her mail........no one enters that room without a staff escort. Oh well........when I reminded her of that.....the coat and backpack (with Alex's full name in perm maker on the straps) must have been stolen from or placed in re donation box or thrown away from the cart they keep in the hall.......because katie didn't know they weren't supposed to keep stuff on that cart you see..........OMG easy child had to get up and go into the kitchen because she was within hearing distance......Nichole distracted herself with baby Conner, husband's mouth gaped open in wonder at their idocy. And I just grinned.

    But that started an onslaught. No one is helping them at the shelter. They've applied everywhere........but there is no where to get a job around the shelter.........M is going to try the Salem mall because they just found out where it is.......Really? It was torn down years ago. hahaha Neglected to tell them that one........let him find out for himself. Katie is almost out of mins on her phone already they've called people sooooo much (yeah biomom trying to figure out how to get back to Mo I bet or the woman M calls grannie but she's his foster grandma for some junk computer she put in her garage for him like 5 yrs ago ugh). I reminded her the phone will be reloaded the 1st of the month........as that was an open HINT for phone mins which no one is going to buy.

    She didn't get so much as a sympathetic frown or shake of the head. phht

    So I brought up the weekend we're planning to take the kids for a sleep over. Oh, no Evan can't come. He'd scream the house down. (not my house he wouldn't lol) Why, the boy screamed so loud and soooo long that the shelter went against one of their biggest rules and have allowed Evan and Alex to sleep on the men's side!!!! Yeah, right. And I'm Frosty the Snowman. NO children are allowed on the men's side of the shelter, period. NONE. Staff would've called in cps for katie being unable to control her child before they even considered letting those 2 boys on the men's side. Does she think I'm really that stupid?? Oh, but he can come and do the shopping and such, just not spend the night..........

    I said nope, he'll just have to stay with you then and we'll take the older two kids. So Evan will miss Darrin's birthday party, baking xmas cookies, getting his picture taken, watching xmas movies with popcorn and homemade cocoa.......and everything else we plan to pack into that weekend. And she can listen to him have a holy fit from hades when kayla and alex come back and tell him ALL about the grand time they had. Not my problem. Both Kayla and Alex heard mom say Evan couldn't come.

    There is something funky about the Evan thing. I don't know if she's afraid if she lets me have all 3 I won't return them, which I hate to tell her I could do just as easily with 2........or what. I do know that both katie and M keep Evan extremely close to them, treat him like an overgrown infant (literally) and coddle his every whim, even at the older 2 kids expense.

    Whatever. No skin off my nose. Means I don't have to manage the devil child himself. Actually makes it easier for me. lol

    M has lost at least 20 lbs. The man looks very literally like a prisoner from a german concentration camp from WWII. Gaunt doesn't begin to describe him. He eats enough for 4 people.......it's not for lack of food. Either it's burned off from drugs or he has some major illness. I'm thinking drugs because he doesn't look or act sick....And since he told me he ate until he almost popped at the shelter's Tday dinner.......I'm pretty sure their food isn't as bad as katie makes it out to be. So he's eating fine and then some.

    Nichole said when they got into the car they all reeked to the point where she nearly puked. She doesn't think they've bathed since they stepped foot in the shelter. All of them.

    It is not making me look forward to xmas with much enthusiasm. I just keep telling myself I'm doing it for the kids........and the rest I let go. :imok: