Practicing my Detachment Skills

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, May 11, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nichole dropped by this evening in hopes I could help her with her math class. What was the girl thinking? (lol) I could possibly have helped her because what she was doing was review and I'd had it in my allgebra class back when I took it. Except that the "textbook" which is hand written literally by the head of the math dept who teaches it online has no real instructions what so ever. So that didn't work out so well. Nichole has discovered that taking a math class online wasn't such a great idea.

    While here she got a phone call from the OB/GYN. As you recall a condition of she and boyfriend getting back together was that she test clean for STDs. She had her cell turned up really loud so I could also hear the results. Which are (thank God) clear for any STDs. When I looked at her funny she told me it was because she didn't expect boyfriend to believe her when she gave him the news.

    Immediately following the phone call, boyfriend called. Sometimes his timing is a bit spooky. Nichole told him the news. I dunno if he made a joke or what he said but he ticked her off. I didn't say a word.

    About 2 hrs ago I checked fb as I was getting ready to take my online pharm exam. She'd posted that 1. she was single and 2. that she was mega POed. Which tells me 3. she went home and they had a fight over it.

    I responded to her post by simply telling her I'm here if she needs to vent. And went a head and took my exam. Then checked back a few mins ago.

    She posted that boyfriend has considered these last weeks as "dating" and ok this next part she's gonna have to explain to me, but that today is their "anniversary".......and evidently that didn't go over to well with Nichole who has assumed, as the rest of the family had, that much of this had been hashed out and they were working on moving forward and starting fresh.

    So.......they had a fight and this time he left, is what I'm gathering. She's ticked off but otherwise seems ok.

    I'm practicing detachment, other than offering an ear, because honestly I see both sides of the coin and I also feel for both of them.

    boyfriend is unintentionally sending Nichole mixed messages. How do you call it "dating" when you've lived in and slept together in the same house for 3 weeks? Dating when you're making long term plans and living arrangements? She believed they had gotten past the worst of it and were honestly moving forward into a more adult relationship. And both of them did seem to be working awfully hard at it. And she had followed thru on the STD testing not only because it was part of the agreement but because she also wanted to make certain she hadn't picked up something during that mess.

    But I see his side too. He was hurt terribly. And cheating is not something you get over in a matter of days, weeks, maybe even months. Some people never get over it and are able to move past it. I do think he is trying hard. But I also think because they care so much about each other they moved much too fast and he really hasn't had enough time to work thru his feelings.

    And Nichole is home mad and confused because she can't figure out why he's acting like a class A jerk when the test came back negative.

    Dear ol' Mom is going to do nothing other than advise them to talk openly and honestly to each other.

    But Mom is also being forced to monitor another background situation. BFF's husband will not leave Nichole alone. He calls her constantly. She won't talk to him. And she tells boyfriend every time the scum bag calls so he won't think she's up to something or trying to hide it from him. As soon as her plan runs out she's changing her phone so he can't call her anymore. Last time he texted her that BFF's autopsy report is in. I told her if there is foul play we'll read about it in the paper. Other wise, accidental OD or deliberate OD doesn't really make a difference as Bff is still gone. Scum bag even called here the other day. No one answered. I was at school and husband doesn't recognize the number. But it came up on caller ID.:mad:

    boyfriend unfortunately is not a real talker about feelings and such. Terrified of being vulnerable. And I so get that. So......don't know what's going to happen if he can't really open up and these 2 kids really talk it out.

    Sigh. I have soooooo decided that I'm never going to have a peaceful quarter while in school. ugh
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    If it is meant to be, they will move past this. If not, then they are both young enough to move on. I have had years and years to get over husband's betryal, and if you've seen my other posts lately, I am failing miserably at doing so. Of course, pushing 50 in a few years and living in this bubble of a town does not help me. Anyway---you are doing a good job. And for a small fee Nicole can change her cell phone # at anytime---Jana has had hers changed a few times to avoid old boyfriends.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree this is normal up and down reactions to infidelity. It takes time. She needs to be patient, too.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've had a tough time staying out of my Youngest's relationship issues with her fiance. She tends to confide in me pretty often. I found myself immersed in their drama and obsessing over situations that truthfully, didn't have anything to do with me. Why was I carrying that stress on myself?! I had to step back, big time.

    I think you're on the right path with detaching from this. We want what's best for our children, and we want to help, as mothers, and lend an ear and offer sage advice on certain situations, but honestly, but this for Nichole and her boyfriend to work out on their own. I finally had to tell Youngest that I'm her mother, not her therapist .. and while I could be there for her in certain situations, I could not get in the middle of her relationship drama any more. She'd have to find someone else to confide in about that, I couldn't take that on full-time. (I think Janet even gave me that advice on these boards, in fact). Oh, she still talks to me about it from time to time, but when I find her doing so too often, I have to remind her that it's too much.
    Last edited: May 12, 2010
  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    You certainly seem to have more than enough opportunity to practice detachment. I feel for you. You're doing good, keep it up.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Unless she asks for advice, I would either not give it or greatly limit it.
    You set an example for her by living a healthy and happy life.
    And you can always do your best to help provide therapy for her or at least guide her to low cost therapy. Let the professionals work with her if she is open to it.
    Otherwise....detach (our kids here are older) and re-read sentence #1. I know it is NOT easy. Hang in there. Concentrate on the things you enjoy in life, wish her the best, hope for the best and move forward.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I give my kids the open ear option but rarely offer advise. Usually just them unloading what they're thinking/feeling out loud is enough for them to work through something. And they come to their own conclusions without me ever saying anything much at all. The girls also do this for each other, so they're not just coming to me which is nice, because like I tell them I'm not going to be around forever. I do my utter best not to offer advice. It's their life, their relationships.

    I can handle them unloading on me, better that in my opinion than Nichole diving off the deep end. lol But seriously that doesn't bother me as I'm fairly used to it. We have established lines that don't get crossed due to too much information, I had to be firm about that rule as that was getting to be waaay to much. There are some things mothers just don't need to know.

    Evidently the kids went back to talking again last night. boyfriend wants to just forget anything ever happened at all and start fresh. Nichole understands that but also knows it's not healthy for him to try to sweep it all under the rug. boyfriend comes from a family that buries their heads in the sand and pretends nothing bad ever happens. He's gotten better over the years we've known him, but like I did tell Nichole it may time him a long while to unlearn that behavior.

    It is rather nice that they got through this blow out with relatively little drama. I think they're both suffering some major growing pains thru this. They love each other. They do both want it to work. Guess we'll see.

    I have noticed something quite profound though since they've gotten back together. Aubrey is on cloud 9. I'm not sure how to explain it because I have never seen her this way before. She is just happy through and through, content, settled. She's always been a happy kid, but she also reacts to her parents moods/behavior and has always been exceptionally sensitive to it. So even when she was happy, she'd be on edge/tense and I would consistently pick up on it. It was always like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. (sort of what we do) I haven't picked up on that from her in at least 2 weeks. It's nice. It is a big indicator of what is going on in the home. I think I've finally managed to drum it in to both kids that what they do and say around Aubrey affects her deeply and they have changed their behavior accordingly. I hope for Aubrey's sake it lasts.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey...glad things are settling. Just had a thought race through my brain. Have they put the note on the fridge to remember to enroll her for head start next year?
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Not yet. They're holding off because they don't know if they'll be moving out of town by sept. But she'll go to pre-school even if they have to pay for it out of pocket. We're they'd be moving would be out of the county so it would do no good to sign her up.

    Fortunately her day care has afternoon pre-school activities.