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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 563111" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think you are hugely more invested in his recovery than he is. Why on earth would you take him on a trip when he just got himself kicked out of a sober house for drinking and he just got released from jail??? I know it looks different when you are going through the crisis, but this makes zero sense to me. There will be NO WAY to make him go to meetings all weekend. He would be vastly more likely to take your money/credit card/whatever and go party while you are asleep or in the shower or whatever. </p><p></p><p>He is a legal adult. I know he is your child, and that you love him, but that is not a reason to go through with this trip plan. The biggest obstacle to his sobriety is not the people around him, his surroundings, meetings he does or doesn't attend or having you to mother hen over him for a long weekend. The biggest obstacle to his sobriety is between his ears and the excuses and manipulations that you buy into with him.</p><p></p><p>I urge you to NOT invest in this rehab. Yes, it IS cold. Yes, it IS miserable to not have a home when it is cold. But miserable is part of realizing that you do NOT want to live like this and unless you are miserable you are NEVER going to dedicate yourself to recovery. I don't care if you shackle yourself to him with handcuffs or unbreakable metal chains. It still won't keep him sober. Save the insurance benefits for rehab until he has a few months of miserable homelessness/couch surfing under his belt. Let him truly fall and then when he shows you with his actions that he wants recovery, send him to rehab. </p><p></p><p>This is HARD and UGLY and NO FUN. it is also pretty much the ONLY way he is going to get his life turned around. Until he is as invested in his life as you are, there sn't going to be anything you can do. This trip is, in my opinion, a bizarre reward for going to jail and getting kicked out of the sober house. Do you really, honestly want to reward those things??? </p><p></p><p>Admitting he has been drinking for two weeks is a good thing. Okay, I guess maybe it is. but that is NOT the same as wanting to be in recovery. There are programs where he can find FREE help. the whole "I am too proud to go back to the sober house I was kicked out of" is a giant neon sign that says "I want you to support me and I have zero zip zilch intention of being sober and/or clean!" When you are truly ready to get clean and sober you will crawl over glass shards and beg on your knees for help. Until he is ready to do that, to put pride aside, he does not want to be clean and sober. It is just a fact, a reality even though we don't like it.</p><p></p><p>How many times have you told him that it is the last time you will pay for rehab/sober living/expenses?? What would make him believe that you truly mean that if he relapses he is on his own? I guarantee that taking him on a trip is not going to get that message across to him, regardless of how badly you want it to work. I am sorry, and I know this is incredibly painful, but it is also reality. </p><p></p><p>Why not pull up all of your posts about his sub abuse issues and see how many times you have said that it is the last time, that if this doesn't work then he is on his own? You may be shocked at the number of times. Good shocked in that it was only once, or bad shocked because it was much more than one time. either way, stop and think about the things you have said about a 'last chance' or 'one more chance' and then think about whether it is time to spend more money on treatment that he is in no way committed to?? or to save the $$ so that when he does truly hit bottom you can still afford to provide help for him.</p><p></p><p>One of the saddest experiences was listening to parents at alanon meetings as they remember how many times they enabled sub abuse by paying for a rehab or sober house that was the 'last time' and how now, a few years later, their children were actually at what really seemed like rock bottom and they were fighting and accomplishing sobriety but the parents couldn't help them because they blew all of their savings, retirement accounts, etc... on previous attempts. I can stll see the faces of two couples. One couple was in their sixties and instead of retiring they were now working 2 jobs because they blew everything on sub abuse and mental health help for their kids. They looked so worn down and tired, and they truly regretted buying into the early promises to get clean time and time again after being kicked out of various programs. They said that had they waited until their chldren were more invested in their own sobriety than the parents were, that rehab would have been more effective. Sadly, they didn't wait, they were way more invested and their kids used rehabs and sober houses to use and to not have a job. </p><p></p><p>If and when your difficult child truly wants to be clean and sober, they will find a way even if you won't help them. They are so resourceful and manipulative that they find hundreds of dollars a week to spend on their sub abuse and they could use that money to fund recovery just as they can use it to fund sub abuse. You refusing to pay for a sober house or rehab will not keep them out of recovery, regardless of what anyone tells you. You will know that they truly are ready for a clean and sober life because they will be taking steps on their own to find it, not waiting for you to drag them to meeting after meeting over a long weekend and then to put them in rehab the way you put them in school when they were little.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 563111, member: 1233"] I think you are hugely more invested in his recovery than he is. Why on earth would you take him on a trip when he just got himself kicked out of a sober house for drinking and he just got released from jail??? I know it looks different when you are going through the crisis, but this makes zero sense to me. There will be NO WAY to make him go to meetings all weekend. He would be vastly more likely to take your money/credit card/whatever and go party while you are asleep or in the shower or whatever. He is a legal adult. I know he is your child, and that you love him, but that is not a reason to go through with this trip plan. The biggest obstacle to his sobriety is not the people around him, his surroundings, meetings he does or doesn't attend or having you to mother hen over him for a long weekend. The biggest obstacle to his sobriety is between his ears and the excuses and manipulations that you buy into with him. I urge you to NOT invest in this rehab. Yes, it IS cold. Yes, it IS miserable to not have a home when it is cold. But miserable is part of realizing that you do NOT want to live like this and unless you are miserable you are NEVER going to dedicate yourself to recovery. I don't care if you shackle yourself to him with handcuffs or unbreakable metal chains. It still won't keep him sober. Save the insurance benefits for rehab until he has a few months of miserable homelessness/couch surfing under his belt. Let him truly fall and then when he shows you with his actions that he wants recovery, send him to rehab. This is HARD and UGLY and NO FUN. it is also pretty much the ONLY way he is going to get his life turned around. Until he is as invested in his life as you are, there sn't going to be anything you can do. This trip is, in my opinion, a bizarre reward for going to jail and getting kicked out of the sober house. Do you really, honestly want to reward those things??? Admitting he has been drinking for two weeks is a good thing. Okay, I guess maybe it is. but that is NOT the same as wanting to be in recovery. There are programs where he can find FREE help. the whole "I am too proud to go back to the sober house I was kicked out of" is a giant neon sign that says "I want you to support me and I have zero zip zilch intention of being sober and/or clean!" When you are truly ready to get clean and sober you will crawl over glass shards and beg on your knees for help. Until he is ready to do that, to put pride aside, he does not want to be clean and sober. It is just a fact, a reality even though we don't like it. How many times have you told him that it is the last time you will pay for rehab/sober living/expenses?? What would make him believe that you truly mean that if he relapses he is on his own? I guarantee that taking him on a trip is not going to get that message across to him, regardless of how badly you want it to work. I am sorry, and I know this is incredibly painful, but it is also reality. Why not pull up all of your posts about his sub abuse issues and see how many times you have said that it is the last time, that if this doesn't work then he is on his own? You may be shocked at the number of times. Good shocked in that it was only once, or bad shocked because it was much more than one time. either way, stop and think about the things you have said about a 'last chance' or 'one more chance' and then think about whether it is time to spend more money on treatment that he is in no way committed to?? or to save the $$ so that when he does truly hit bottom you can still afford to provide help for him. One of the saddest experiences was listening to parents at alanon meetings as they remember how many times they enabled sub abuse by paying for a rehab or sober house that was the 'last time' and how now, a few years later, their children were actually at what really seemed like rock bottom and they were fighting and accomplishing sobriety but the parents couldn't help them because they blew all of their savings, retirement accounts, etc... on previous attempts. I can stll see the faces of two couples. One couple was in their sixties and instead of retiring they were now working 2 jobs because they blew everything on sub abuse and mental health help for their kids. They looked so worn down and tired, and they truly regretted buying into the early promises to get clean time and time again after being kicked out of various programs. They said that had they waited until their chldren were more invested in their own sobriety than the parents were, that rehab would have been more effective. Sadly, they didn't wait, they were way more invested and their kids used rehabs and sober houses to use and to not have a job. If and when your difficult child truly wants to be clean and sober, they will find a way even if you won't help them. They are so resourceful and manipulative that they find hundreds of dollars a week to spend on their sub abuse and they could use that money to fund recovery just as they can use it to fund sub abuse. You refusing to pay for a sober house or rehab will not keep them out of recovery, regardless of what anyone tells you. You will know that they truly are ready for a clean and sober life because they will be taking steps on their own to find it, not waiting for you to drag them to meeting after meeting over a long weekend and then to put them in rehab the way you put them in school when they were little. [/QUOTE]
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