Pray for us

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Oct 30, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Today at noon - was Dude's last day with the system. Despite efforts for a "stay" - all which were futile due to economy, budget cuts and what is at best an oxymoron in full-force (your son is difficult) he is through, homeless, uneducated, jobless and defeated. We are through with everyone.

    DF and I were talking last night and trying to figure out what were the best things about all the placements and interventions. We already know the worst things and didn't care to revisit any of them. It was really a sad conversation. The help we received really wasn't THAT spectacular after all. The best thing we got? Therapy and respite. The best thing Dude got? Therapy and two parents who got respite enough to continue to be able to say we like you.

    Dudes options? Drop the two possessions he did have - 4 speakers and a broken computer at our home and get a ride to the city park down town then try to get in line by 5:00 tonight to get a bed at the homeless shelter or come to our house and see if we can work on a plan for his future; abiding by our rules. They haven't changed in 16 years...we've had to add a few since there will be driving and curfew soon, but DF said he couldn't take him downtown and drop him off. I don't know that I could have either.

    So if you have a little prayer available for us? We could sure use an extra one.

    Oh and almost forgot this little tidbit. x wormed his way back in the picture. (yeah I know you'll love this) Dude got ahold of his uncle who supposedly got word to Dude that he had a vehicle for him. Dude asked him if I knew how to get in touch with the uncle. I did. I gave him the number and he called. Well he talked to the uncle who apparently told x and then x called Dude. Dude talked to him and told him that he just needed a car to get a job, had heard the uncle had a used car he might want. x want's Dude to drive, fly, train, there and x will buy him a car - anyone he wants. (WT?) Um...okay but with WHAT money? So now Dude is all hyped up about going to see x and uncle and getting his car and x said "What kind do you want?" and said "Call me tonight and I'll tell you what I saw today - I'll go look." so Dude DID :surprise: - (exhale and breathe Star) and all I could think about was Flutter and Devin - swear.

    Then Dude tells me that this x person wants to know ALL about me.
    WHAT FOR? He never wanted to know about me when we were married? Ugh. Then does the "Oh I hope she doesn't hate me" baloney to Dude and Dude said "My Mom doesn't hate anyone, but I wouldn't plan on any kind of a reunion." (Dude said he was thinking about our time on the rifle range) lol. Then I said "Well I could probably afford a bus ticket for you." and so Dude tells x "I'm taking the bus" and well all of a sudden that's not good enough for Dude according to x. ("Oh okay Mr. I never sent a dime of child support and you must be rolling in it.") so I told Dude to tell daddy-o that he needs a plane ticket and HE is paying for it. To send the money via Western Union AND some spending cash AND some money for a nice outfit.
    -kiss my bus ticket. ;)
    See? And people wondered why I didn't want child support from this man.

    I told Dude I do NOT want to hear a single thing more - about Daddy-Disney. (rolls eyes) This is how he got to be BEFORE the divorce and wow - 16 years later and he STILL gets to swoop in and be the hero with a one car shot. I told Dude - and while he's at it? Get him to pay off the rest of your fines---I've already paid 1/2 - I think since I've paid for your EVERYTHING on my own for the last 19 years - he can pay that off for you - and maybe ask him to foot the bill for tag, title and insurance for 6 months. And when he doesnt'? Please feel free to throw one of those little tantrums like you've thrown for me and your Dad the last few years - you know kick some holes in HIS walls....and punch his **** and break his things....yeah......:peaceful:

    I'm gonna stop at the red dot store on the way home.....:tongue:
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh. is he really going to X's? Really? No...right? For gosh sakes...there really cant be a car. We all know this. Its an excuse to get dude there. Stomps feet and beats a wall myself. Yells...DONT GO DUDE!!!!


    I honestly am not a bit worried about Dude moving in with you. I am terrified of him going to X.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


    And of course he will go- there's a car there. And he's his Dad even though Dad's lower than the scum of the earth.

    ugh. I feel sick so I can only imagine how sick you feel, Star.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    He will go cuz this is a boy and his bio dad. There is some sort of pull there I have never been able to understand. Never seems to matter how horrible bio dad is either. My brothers did the same......when my bio dad gave them the same routine. Older brother lasted 6 months. Younger brother was smart enough never to actually live with bio dad. lol Both figured out quick most of bio dad's promises were hot air.......unless he was trying to impress some woman or wanted something from them.

    *pounds head on wall* DON'T GO DUDE!!!

    OMG! I'm glad just the thought of Dude going to x's scares others and not just me. I think wondering the why of it would drive me crazy alone.

    *takes deep breath*

    Maybe x will be too flakey to come thru with any travel money. (I wish)

  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Ugh............I feel sick as well.
    Our lives are too closely paralleling lately. Sigh.
    I will send many, many prayers and much strength to Dude and you guys. It has to get better for our kids, somehow/someway.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big sigh....
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yep I'm sick too. And of course he will go for a car. How far away is this guy from you and do you have a protective order against him? Me thinks this is another setup for Dude to be dispappointed.

    And of course I will say prayers. I'm faced with much of the same dilemma right now with difficult child leaving college and coming back the same rules plus a few more that were in existance before she left.

    Sigh it just doesn't get easier does it?

  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    OMG...I'm so sorry.

    Dude...listen to your mom and don't go. Just ask Miss KT about counting on an absent father. She hasn't spoken to hers in about 6 months, an excellent track record considering she used to call him all the time, trying to get him to care. Broke my heart.

    Praying for you both.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Sigh ... Oh Star. Didn't your ex try to pull this one time before? I do understand how this must make you feel! It was the same way when my son was that age and his father would make all these promises that he never ended up keeping, and my son would get hurt over and over again! One disappointment after another! But he kept trying again and again because he so desperately wanted things to be different, wanted that real approval and love from his dad, and it never came. And seeing him be hurt so badly was so much worse than going through it myself.

    There IS something with boys and their bio dads. The son wants that father/son relationship and their approval so badly, no matter how much of a skunk they are, and they keep on trying in hopes that maybe this time will be different, and it never is. My son would see his friends and the good relationships they had with their dads, and he would blame himself and think that something must be wrong with him, that he didn't measure up for some reason. It takes a long, long time and a lot of maturity for them to finally see them for what they are and to become totally disallusioned. My own son finally 'got it' when he was about 20 or 21. When he could look at it from the adult point of view, he saw that he was OK, it was not his fault ... his father was just an (other word for 'donkey'). It's a hard lesson for them to have to learn and it's very painful to watch.

    If Dude is determined to go, there isn't much you can do about it. I sure wouldn't provide him the bus ticket to do it though! This is ex's doing and if he wants to see him, let him come up with the price of a plane ticket or whatever. If he can't even come up with the price of a plane ticket, then he sure can't come up with the money to buy a car for him and you will know for sure that this is just a line of B.S. And it sounds to me like he's trying to use Dude to get info on YOU! Not good!
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2009
  10. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    So sorry Star ... it's so hard to watch our kids get taken in. Maybe the only 'good' thing that might come out of it would be that Dude will see what 'x' is really like? Often kids see things in a different light once they're adults, they see through the Disney-Dad thing. But I'm sorry it'll be painful. :( Hang in there.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'll skip the "message box" and concentrate on the "Title". Yes, I will pray for you guys. You can count on that like death and taxes. DDD
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Billy's "father" did this to him several years ago. He found him online and made all these promises to him about how if he just moved up to Ohio and lived with him he would get him a job, build on an apartment for him, teach him to drive, help him get a car...yada yada. Billy wanted to go.

    Bill (my ex) wouldnt even talk to me on the computer about it. His excuse was he said it wasnt appropriate for a married man to converse with his ex-wife...lmao. How absurd! We were going to be talking about our son for goodness sake!

    Well...Billy got up there and it was not anything like what his father had promised. Bill and his new wife (number 3!) fought all the time. Bill still didnt work regularly so how on earth was he gonna get Billy a job?!? The house was tiny and Billy had to sleep on a couch. Nothing he promised came true. Billy was miserable. He didnt want to admit it but he finally called Jamie in VA and told him that this idiot man was not his Dad, he may have been his bio father but his Dad was in NC and he had to go home. Jamie sent him bus fare back to NC and when he got back here Tony just hugged him and told him "welcome back son."
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Sending good thoughts and prayers for you and Dude.
  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Auntie Cloe.

    You tells Dood dat I gos wif him if he weaves. Neone twies to mess wif mine and Pooties boy...I bites dem. Hard. Den I makes shur he gets bak where he blongs. K?



    Sorry about that Star. She saw your post and scooted me right off the computer chair. Prayers going out....beads rattling and chicken livers at the ready. I hope I won't need those's getting rather chilly here.

    I get his need to connect though. It takes a lot of repeated disappointments before you get it. been there done that. Hopefully he uses that brain of his and it happens sooner rather than later.

  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Feeling sick as well. Sending prayers. Many of them.
    And the battle cry, "Don't Go DUDE!"

    Sadly, I think this is one of those things that has to be learned through experience. I hope he can learn quickly and not have too much pain from this, but it's terribly worrisome.
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't usually visit this forum too much but am glad I did tonight. Adding in my prayers. (((hugs))) to you.
  17. ML

    ML Guest

    He better get a dang car out of the thing if nothing else. My suspiscion is that the strings attached to whatever x gives dude will so not be worth it. I hope dude is strong enough not to open his heart to this scum.

  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sorry Star. difficult child had to go live with her dad for 5 weeks before she finally realized that I wasn't the crazy one. I hope Dude either doesn't go or, if he does, he returns enlightened.
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Star I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I hope Dude wises up and realizes that he is better off with the ones that have proven themselves not the one who makes promises after 19 years of neglect. -RM
  20. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Hoping his genetic programming got him a hefty serving of his momma's smarts and little to none of his bio dad's delusional thinking processes. He'll go, he'll see things for what they are, he'll come home and never look back because he understands it's all a sham. And I don't mean Sham WOW, either.

    Some of our kiddos have to learn by doing -- aka the hard way.


    And yes, I really do have a box of stuff to send to you... hoping you aren't Twiggy by now! And if you are, there's still something you'll enjoy in there :D