Prayers needed today

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Wendy23, Sep 2, 2014.

  1. Wendy23

    Wendy23 New Member

    Please keep me and my son in your prayers today. As I have mentioned on the board before he is a twenty four year old functioning herion addict. I say functioning because he holds down a full time job. Some how and it did not happen overnight...i have become a prisioner in my own home. I stay in my bedroom all the time just to keep peace with him. He gets paid on Friday, by Tuesday he is broke. Then he begs, harrasses or does whatever it takes to get money from me the rest of the week. He always says he will pay me back but never does. I know how insane it has become but maybe if I put it on the board I can not deny it anymore. I buy all his gas, cigerattes, pay his car note and insurance. I feel like I have created a monster. I know I have to just stop. Pray for me today for today I stop! Pray for him that today he chooses to stop and if he does not choose to stop that he at least accepts that I do. My biggest fear he how he is going to react when I say no and do not give in. Willl he just yell and scream, will he tear up my house or worse? Yes, I am scared. But I have no choce. I pray for the strength and knowledge that all of you seem to have found.
     
  2. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Wendy 23 -- You have my prayers for safety, strength, wisdom and opportunities!

    As a 24-yo with a job, he can find his own place to live. Feeling like one has to walk on eggshells in their own home is abuse. We have had times like that. Oh, how I remember the times our difficult child tore up our home and our lives. I love him, but I will NOT live with him again. Just ain't happenin'. Too many police visits. I hope your difficult child moves out and leaves you and your home in safety.

    Think on this.... How do you feel when you hear about anyone in this forum having to live in fear in their own home? Awful and undeserved! Well, we feel the same about you. His actions = his consequences (not yours). He's a grown man. by the way, my difficult child alternates meth and heroin.....so I really "feel" you here. YES, we worry about their drug addiction being life-threatening. But, see, the crazy thing is that no matter where they go or what they do, it's ultimately up to THEM. No matter what clever lines of shifting blame they love to toss.....their lives are THEIR choices....especially as they're adults.

    Wow.........if we could fix it, we surely would! But we can't (we've all tried).

    Stay safe and remember that you matter! <3
     
  3. Wendy23

    Wendy23 New Member

    Thank you HeadlightsMom for your response. Sometimes I get so deep in the hurt and pain that I forget that I deserve better. Thanks for the reminder!
     
  4. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    You sure do deserve better! You deserve to be able to laugh and romp around in your home freely in any ol' way you want at any given moment! You deserve spontaneous happiness! :D
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Wendy, make a plan. Decide when and where you will tell him that he can't live with you anymore. Have friends available to help "police" the telling part. Change the door locks. Tell him you will get a restraining order and you will call the police if he does not respect your decision.

    It is hard to take this step, but so necessary. You can't and don't deserve to live like this. He is not going to stop until he gets sick and tired of his life.

    Your home needs to be your sanctuary. There is a thread about that on this board, and that was a very good thread for me. Thinking and reading and studying on that topic helped me say that he can't be here, in my house, unless and until he is in recovery and it's sustained recovery, and then only for one or two nights.

    My son is 25 years old. Adults that we gave birth to should not be living with us at that age, easy child or difficult child.

    Write down your plan. Share it with friends. Get some help for this important step. You deserve it. You have a right to it.

    We are here with you. We get it. Warm hugs.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Count me in as one who thinks a 24 year old grown man, even one who decides to continue acting like a child and taking drugs, is not supposed to live with you nor be supported on your dime at his age. There is welfare, food stamps and homeless shelters if he can't afford his own place. There are rehabs he can go to if he wants to get clean, but it doesn't sound like he is even close to that yet. I would tell him which day he has to leave and not back down.

    I 100% agree with ChildOfMine. Why should you hide in your room in your own home? Why would you do it? Has it helped your son?

    COM is wise. I would heed her advice.

    And so sorry for your hurting mommy heart and you certainly have my prayers.
     
  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    WEndy,

    this is a key thought, a thought that has helped me...as you feel guilty in changing your relationship with your son..ask yourself...has what you've been doing helped him?

    The answer to that question was a dagger to my heart, and a bright light to my eyes. Once I saw the truth of that (the answer, of course is...no...not at all), I could never again unsee it.

    Ask yourself that. MWM is wise.

    Echo
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have a choice. If he even starts to become violent, either verbally, or he corners you, or he lifts his fist, or he smashes your wall or anything else, call the police. Do not tell him anything without your cell phone in your hand, ready to call. Memorize the number. Do not allow him to be violent, either verbally, to your belongings or to you. Do not allow him to threaten you. I was afraid of my son too the day he left. He did not strike me. He cornered me and threatened me and threatened my house. There were no cell phones back then and I was really scared. I am on good terms with him now, fifteen years later. In fact, he is my one grown child who will never really grow up and he likes to call me every day and that's fine, as long as he keeps it civil, but he can never live with me again for any reason. He used to threaten my ex too when he moved out of my place and moved in with ex. He shoved him a few times and ex has a long standing illness and has always been frail.

    Why should we be afraid of our own child in our own home?

    Would you allow anyone else in the world to scare you that way or would you call the police?

    Your son is a man now and should face consequences if he threatens you. Immediate ones. Don't let it get out of hand.

    I don't know how bad your difficult child gets when he's angry, but if it's dangerously bad, you may have to take out a restraining order on him. Another thing I'd do, if you know anyone, is to make sure you are not alone when you tell him. Make sure a strong male is with you. You DO have power. He doesn't control you. He doesn't own you. And it's time that he knows it and it's time for YOU to have peace in your own house and in your life.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
  9. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    Dear Wendy, I have 2 difficult child's. They were demanding as children as we were raising them and the pattern has continued and worsened into adulthood. It's is a combination of mental health and addiction issues. In my ongoing project of detachment from them I have taken one step forward, two back. I have been verbally and emotionally abused to the extreme. And I do have those moments where I question why and how this happened to our family. It did come to the point that they both had to leave our home. It was wrenching, but no matter how complicated and unmanageable things become or what poor decisions they make, the one thing I am absolutely firm on with my husband is that we will never again live under the same roof with either of them. Everyday leading up to the decision to take back our house was agonizing. We were once a happy nuclear family here. But once both sons were out and knew we meant business about not returning it was such a relief. I sit in my house and when I start to be barraged with phone calls and texts and I feel my anxiety level rising, I think to myself, I am safe here. I can turn off the phone, not answer the door and just "be" inside the home my husband and I built. My sons lived here for a time, but it is the fruit of many years of planning and labor. Good luck as you start this journey. Keep posting and coming back. There are so many of us who understand and care.
     
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  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wendy, you might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Another good resource is the book, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Going to a 12 step group for YOU would be helpful too, CoDa, or Al Anon, or Narc Anon. You need support, guidance, empathy, compassion, understanding and the tools to change this situation for yourself. It takes a lot to change something we've been doing for a long time.

    If you are going to evict your son, check on the laws in your state, where I live in CA. you have to have a court order. Then you can have him escorted out by the Sheriff. If you don't need a court order, then you can call the Sheriff's office to have him escorted off of your property.

    A plan, as COM mentioned is a good idea. Setting a date for him to leave is the first boundary and then sticking to it. Get as much support as you can to help you set the date and then stick to it and then be with you when your son has to leave.

    Yes, he is going to react, likely badly. When we end the gravy train, our kids generally react quite poorly, be prepared for that. This is where the support will come in handy. He will manipulate, be angry, possibly threaten you, pull at every heart string, he more then anyone will know exactly which ones to pull on, he will try to make you feel sorry for him...............the bottom line is he is likely to do whatever he believes it will take for you to resume the program. After all, this works out quite well for HIM. YOU are the one it doesn't work for. But what you forgot is that YOU have all the power. It is YOUR home. YOUR money. YOUR food. Take your power back. You will feel so much better once you do.

    Your son is an adult male who is a drug addict. He is responsible for his choices in life, NOT YOU. YOU didn't do anything wrong, YOU didn't create this situation, YOU can't control it or change it either. That is up to him. If he doesn't, then it's on him not you.

    Prayers and good wishes go out to you Wendy. Stay close to the board. Get yourself support. Let us know how you're doing.......
     
  11. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I think most of us go through the yanking back and to, or the one step forward and two steps back, after all they are our loved ones.

    When I look back at my difficult child's teen and twenties I don't know how I managed to get through it. I know it affected my health quite a bit.

    For me, accepting my difficult child as he is (that does not mean I will ever let him live in my home, give him money, or agree with his life style choices) was a milestone. After he relapsed and the conns started all over and I fell for them ONE MORE TIME I finally realized this is the way it will be until I stop it. This time I felt it to the tips of my toes and I slipped into a depression.

    My son says he has a job, but I'm pretty sure he and girlie are homeless and panhandling. I get one line emails from him every now and then. Girlie's family doesn't have much to do with her either.

    It is extremely hard to set boundaries and enforce them. We want to help them, we love them, the problem is that what we are doing isn't helping, it is only prolonging the enabling.

    My difficult child threatened suicide so many times and I was told to prepare myself that one day he may actually do it. How can you prepare yourself for that???? He did find a way to support himself, and at that time I think he did have a job. It's hard to tell what is what 'cause my difficult child lies so much I think he starts to believe the lies.

    There is a lot of sadness surrounding our relationship with our difficult children, just remember that things will stay exactly as they are until YOU change them.

    As was recommended, counseling is a huge plus!
    (((hugs and peace)))
     
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