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pregnant difficult child need advise
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 123970" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Oh, Masta, what fun (not). It's amazing what life throws at us sometimes.</p><p></p><p>She's made some bad choices, but this is where she is. I do think you need, at this meeting, to just focus on spreading out in front of everybody, the full spectrum of options and not insist n a decision now. A lot of those options are going to have very BIG catches attached to them.</p><p></p><p>I understand the push to adopt the baby out, but hr hubby's family are likely to be sticky about this. A baby, to someone dysfunctional, means unconditional love and a chance at a new beginning. They don't consider the hard work and the responsibility, they get caught up in the romance of it all (like mother in law buying baby clothes). Any hint that this will be taken away - they will use the full extent of the law, every trick in the book, to stop that from happening.</p><p></p><p>I suspect that any attempt to sign away her rights could result in the father stepping in and insisting that HE hasn't signed away any rights, therefore the baby is his.</p><p>[a question - how many other babies has he fathered?]</p><p>This would include not only adoption, but if she signs away rights to you, her mother. Frankly, the only option I see to (for the moment at least) avoid THAT complication, is for her to live with you.</p><p></p><p>However, I do see that this also is not a good idea. Once someone leaves home, they can never go back. Because when they do, 'home' has changed and moved on, and so have they. They aren't really back 'home', they're already an outsider. But if she comes back in thinking she has the same baggage, can do things the same way - it will be nasty. The goal posts have now moved, the game rules have changed.</p><p></p><p>Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If she moves back in with you, it will be difficult for all with a new baby's needs being paramount. SHE must first learn independently how to care for her baby, so she feels some ownership, some sense of personal responsibility. From her point of view, if she moves in with you before the birth (or straight from the hospital), the baby is never really going to be hers because she will be expecting YOU to run round after her and the baby. Old habits. You could say to her, "It's very difficult to come back home after you've been independent for so long, it won't be fair on you." (whatever it takes to persuade her not to).</p><p></p><p>BUT - if she goes to a shelter from the hospital (and this would require, I think, her to have been in the shelter before the birth), then she will have a chance to learn for herself what to do and how to cope (and whether she can or not). If she then came home (with strict conditions) the outcome might be better.</p><p></p><p>If she is totally unwilling at this stage to consider adoption or even fostering, then anything you say will drive a wedge that right now, you don't need. It could push her back to her husband's family (who at least agree with her on this). Also, with their opposition to it, I think you would have a bunfight on your hands if she tried to adopt him out (what I said before).</p><p></p><p>Somethings need to be sorted out, inside difficult child.</p><p>Why did she allow herself to fall pregnant? For a lot of young girls, it's the romance of it all, it's the drive to be productive in SOME way, it's wanting someone who will love them unconditionally. Their concept of 'love' is not what we necessarily think it is and it's not necessarily healthy. They can be exceptionally needy and then rely on a baby to fulfil those needs (because a partner is never good enough - they make bad choices in partners to begin with, due to their lack of self-esteem and their previous bad choices).</p><p>If you take away the baby of someone like this, they just go ahead and have another. It's not necessarily a conscious decision. But that empty hole inside her is going to need to be filled, and up until now, she's been trying to fill it with poor choices (bad boyfriend; getting pregnant).</p><p></p><p>She does need to know what she's in for. She also needs to know she HAS to step up to the plate, or if she can't handle it she has to be able to cope with the hassles of handing the baby over. But SHE has to make these choices. No way should she be able to come back later and say, "You all MADE me do this," SHE must be in no doubt as to owning whatever decision is made.</p><p></p><p>I'm remembering the "Dr Phil family" episodes and all the murk that lay beneath the surface in that family, that needed to be dealt with in order to have a positive outcome. A situation like this is like an iceberg - what you see on the surface is only a hint of what lies beneath, which is much bigger and can cause disasters. And even as an iceberg is melting, it can suddenly flip and roll over, showing you a glimpse of what was underneath and bringing it all to the surface at the worst possible time.</p><p></p><p>Honey, you're going to need help with this one. Legal help, and emotional help.</p><p></p><p>Do keep us posted on how things go.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 123970, member: 1991"] Oh, Masta, what fun (not). It's amazing what life throws at us sometimes. She's made some bad choices, but this is where she is. I do think you need, at this meeting, to just focus on spreading out in front of everybody, the full spectrum of options and not insist n a decision now. A lot of those options are going to have very BIG catches attached to them. I understand the push to adopt the baby out, but hr hubby's family are likely to be sticky about this. A baby, to someone dysfunctional, means unconditional love and a chance at a new beginning. They don't consider the hard work and the responsibility, they get caught up in the romance of it all (like mother in law buying baby clothes). Any hint that this will be taken away - they will use the full extent of the law, every trick in the book, to stop that from happening. I suspect that any attempt to sign away her rights could result in the father stepping in and insisting that HE hasn't signed away any rights, therefore the baby is his. [a question - how many other babies has he fathered?] This would include not only adoption, but if she signs away rights to you, her mother. Frankly, the only option I see to (for the moment at least) avoid THAT complication, is for her to live with you. However, I do see that this also is not a good idea. Once someone leaves home, they can never go back. Because when they do, 'home' has changed and moved on, and so have they. They aren't really back 'home', they're already an outsider. But if she comes back in thinking she has the same baggage, can do things the same way - it will be nasty. The goal posts have now moved, the game rules have changed. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If she moves back in with you, it will be difficult for all with a new baby's needs being paramount. SHE must first learn independently how to care for her baby, so she feels some ownership, some sense of personal responsibility. From her point of view, if she moves in with you before the birth (or straight from the hospital), the baby is never really going to be hers because she will be expecting YOU to run round after her and the baby. Old habits. You could say to her, "It's very difficult to come back home after you've been independent for so long, it won't be fair on you." (whatever it takes to persuade her not to). BUT - if she goes to a shelter from the hospital (and this would require, I think, her to have been in the shelter before the birth), then she will have a chance to learn for herself what to do and how to cope (and whether she can or not). If she then came home (with strict conditions) the outcome might be better. If she is totally unwilling at this stage to consider adoption or even fostering, then anything you say will drive a wedge that right now, you don't need. It could push her back to her husband's family (who at least agree with her on this). Also, with their opposition to it, I think you would have a bunfight on your hands if she tried to adopt him out (what I said before). Somethings need to be sorted out, inside difficult child. Why did she allow herself to fall pregnant? For a lot of young girls, it's the romance of it all, it's the drive to be productive in SOME way, it's wanting someone who will love them unconditionally. Their concept of 'love' is not what we necessarily think it is and it's not necessarily healthy. They can be exceptionally needy and then rely on a baby to fulfil those needs (because a partner is never good enough - they make bad choices in partners to begin with, due to their lack of self-esteem and their previous bad choices). If you take away the baby of someone like this, they just go ahead and have another. It's not necessarily a conscious decision. But that empty hole inside her is going to need to be filled, and up until now, she's been trying to fill it with poor choices (bad boyfriend; getting pregnant). She does need to know what she's in for. She also needs to know she HAS to step up to the plate, or if she can't handle it she has to be able to cope with the hassles of handing the baby over. But SHE has to make these choices. No way should she be able to come back later and say, "You all MADE me do this," SHE must be in no doubt as to owning whatever decision is made. I'm remembering the "Dr Phil family" episodes and all the murk that lay beneath the surface in that family, that needed to be dealt with in order to have a positive outcome. A situation like this is like an iceberg - what you see on the surface is only a hint of what lies beneath, which is much bigger and can cause disasters. And even as an iceberg is melting, it can suddenly flip and roll over, showing you a glimpse of what was underneath and bringing it all to the surface at the worst possible time. Honey, you're going to need help with this one. Legal help, and emotional help. Do keep us posted on how things go. Marg [/QUOTE]
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