Prison bail set at $100,000

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Aug 3, 2014.

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  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Haven't been here for a while, so much has happened in so little time. My 20 yr old Son was involved in several robberies ... now he sits in Prison awaiting his court hearing. He hasn't even stood trial in the other 2 counties for possession and a dui but this time he faces 8 counts of aggravated assault, he and his "buddy " both are now in Prison. I am completely devastated. He has witnesses too. omg! Someone please tell me if he may be sentenced to more than 2 years? Because if so they will transfer him up to the state prison. WORRIED is an understatement, I have cried my eyes out till I just don't think I have any tears left. my.heart is so heavy I don't know how it keeps beating. I'm going to see him tomorrow for the first time since.the.arrests and don't know what to say to him. I just want to add that the prison he is in now has 3,000 male inmates filled with murders and rapists. dear God! Somebody tell me what is going to happen of course all his step dad has to say is " well I warned him ".
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2014
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, Worried Mom. I can only imagine how scared you are, and I am truly, truly sorry.

    Please remember that he did these things, and now he will have to take the consequences, whatever they are. None of this is on you, or anything you did or didn't do.

    Yes, prison and jail are not good places, but neither is the street. My son has been in our county jail---rumored to be the worst in the state---8 or 9 times. He is okay today. He smiles and laughs and can be very sweet, polite and kind.

    Right now, of course, it is impossible to know how long your son will be incarcerated. I hope it will comfort you to know that even though jail is not good, I believe for drug addicts it is safer than the street.

    He is not likely to OD in jail or get killed or badly hurt like he can on the street.

    I realize of course, that right now you are devastated, and I am so sorry for your pain and his choices. He needs a long time to sit, think and decide to do something different. Maybe this is the place where he can do that.

    Please----start letting him go, you can't control any of this anyway---the police and courts are now going to determine his future, at least for a while. So start thinking of yourself, and start thinking of ways to make your own life better.

    Please reread the threads and start putting together a list of tools you can use to rebuild your own life. You deserve it. You deserve a great life. Start working for it.

    And please keep us posted on your precious son. I hope and pray that today is a new start for him, regardless of where he lives for the near future.
  3. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Childofmine your.words do I could've told him to.take.his " friends" the.time.I.put.2 and.2 together.he'd already been arrested.. before he.committed the crime he.was.scared talking like he.was.going to.get killed. the.pieces.of.the.puzzle and.I.should've go.the.police. I do have a question though... does his to tell the.judge he.was on drugs at.the time all this happened? after he.was in prison for a day he finally admitted he is.on drugs and.needs help.
  4. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Also, before my son left the house the night of these robbery assaults my son was acting crazy. He was high and it wasn't weed, it was the kind of drug that would make you angry...and I've seen it before. It was horrible...he was slamming the fridge punching the walls, I mean he truly was not in the right state of mind. Right before he left the house it was as if he wasn't hearing me at all but he kept repeating what his step-dad told him before we got married " If you don't like me now , wait till I marry your mom". He wasn't even hearing me...he was in his own world talking to himself.

    I was always caught in the middle of these 2 that it was actually triggering my seizures. Now things are much peaceful in the house since he is gone. Though whenever I think about the 2 of them I feel anxiety, panic attacks etc. I can't think about them or I'll end up in the hospital again. But a couple of times I cannot lie I told my husband "You drove him to this!"especially when I first got the message from my son telling me he was arrested and placed in Prison. And to top it all off I hadn't listened to my voicemail messages for days, and I was texting like crazy "where r u ?!". He had been trying everyday to contact me while in quarantine.
    The first time I spoke to him on the phone I asked him "what happened?" that's when he finally confessed saying "what do you want me to say mom? I'm on drugs and need help, I need to go to a rehab., I don't even remember what that happened." I guess I was a bit relieved that he finally admitted he needs help. Of course now he is off the drugs in prison but how much rehabilitation will he get in Prison? we have a hard enough time with these druggies on the outside trying to rehabilitate.
    My husband has been in trouble with the law himself in his meth years, and the fact that his own father use to beat him bloody growing up it caused him to have anger issues. Once in court he cursed out the judge who ordered him to Anger Management, later told me it did him no good. Now he made the choice to use meth, just as my son choose to do what I believe was some type of pills but what I don't believe is that they choose their upbringing.

    My son was 14 when I began dating my husband, son had just begun his teen years and I got involved with a crazy man. I was too blind by love to see the meanness in him. I did not think whatever he went through in his past would come out. The use of meth was gone but the anger still burned for what his own father did to him. Can you believe he has said "the beatings made me a better man" ?? In his mind he actually believes that his Dad made him the tough guy that he is, the kind of man that won't take anything mess from anyone" Oh and that "Society has taught us to be wusses". How's that for a step-dad?

    It is no secret that what is needed is forgiveness. Forgiveness heals the heart...though it is impossible to forget where we buried that hatchet".
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I want you to know you are being heard so I answered although I really don't know much about jail or prison as my daughter managed to dodge that bullet.

    Hopefully though they will offer your son services while he is in jail. I'm pretty sure they do. As for getting out of jail because he did drugs, maybe if he were a minor, but he is a man now and I don't know about that...I am thinking you'll have to wait and see. Like COM said, it is at least monitored and he is hanging around with the same kinds of people on the streets, and there is no monitoring there. This is a time he can decide to turn his life around. Maybe it will be his rock bottom.

    "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    the Courage to change the things I can,
    and the Wisdom to know the difference."

    You will know where he is. Maybe this can be your new beginning too where you can rebuild your life. If you break the law, you will pay consequences if you are caught. But it is not your fault and next time your son committed a violent act he COULD have been killed. Fortunately, he is now safe and sober (hopefully) and will have a lot of time to think about if he wants this to be his life. He can turn it around. But only HE can. This is nobody's fault but his own at his age. Don't think about the past. Many kids grow up with goofy, criminal parents and do not become criminals. Let the blame fall where it belongs and then let it go. Your husband is not to blame for what a grown man did. If you are in a bad place in your marriage, you can go for marital therapy or decide to change your life in other ways, but the blame is always on the person who did the deed. Still, your husband does not sound like somebody I would personally want to be married to, aside from your son. Of course, I am not you.

    Last edited: Aug 4, 2014
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son is in prison. He put himself there. He broke the law and then would not follow the conditions of his probation.
    This is not your fault and it is not your husbands fault. My heart broke when mine went to jail the first time and he is only just now turning 18. The judge may or may not show him any compassion depending on how violent the robberies were. I hope your son learns something from this. Do not be surprised if he does not learn it this time. When you see him, let him know you love him, but do not fall for the blame game. You can let him know how hurt you are and if you cry, so be it. He needs to know his actions have an effect on others.

    I am sorry that you are hurting, and it will hurt for a long time. Live your life . Concentrate on your precious little girl.
  7. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Thank you MWM, I like the part best is where you made it a point to note that there are many kids out here that have horrible pasts yet they choose NOT to handle it with a bad choice...or I should say are not "choosing" to make bad choices. The way I see it so long as there is breath in a person they have hope. My son was taught very well who he should go to in times of need he was raised in church. There are many kids who went through horrible things ( like his sister ) and yet are choosing to be "overcomers" through their trials ( some are still working on it like myself ).
    There are other resources of course, just to note I'm not denying this by no means.

    He is not yet 21 but I'm sure they will see him as an adult, if the courts will trial young teenagers as adults then I'm sure they will see him as the same.

    I will be using every and all tools that I can possibly use, especially my faith. I will tell my son tonight that he too needs to do some soul searching. I'm going to stray away from discussing the case since I know everything is being recorded I know but I do recall COM from an old thread where I believe she said "Truth is my best friend and my sons best friend". There are details to the case on who did what exactly since his "buddy" has a truckload of robberies and BIG time drug dealing. (this is where my son fearing for his life came from) ....anybody seen the movie "snitch"? Anywho... I want to thank you all for your help.
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    You don't get out of jail or a reduced sentence because you were on drugs.

    Worried Mom, I say this gently: Let. It. All. Go.

    Your son and your son only landed himself where he is today; not you, not his bio dad, not his step dad, not the police, not the bad friends, not the drug dealer, not the man at the grocery store who didn't say Hi to him the right way.

    Your son put himself right where he is today. And your son---a grown man---will have to do the time.

    Maybe, if he works hard, he will turn his life around after this.

    The best thing you can do right now is to start working on yourself. I am praying for you.
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  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In the US, adulthood is eighteen.

    I know that one of my children's birthfathers is a drug addict and spent several years in prison for armed robbery. He has been in and out of jail all of his life until we lost track of him. So I sort of knew you can't get out of it because you were high by your son's age. If you are old enough to fight a war, certainly our government finds you old enough to do the crime, do the time. But I do think there is help in prison/jajil if you want to use it. What he does with it is up to your son. Sending prayers.
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I so sorry you are hurting.

    Please do not be offended by what I am about to write. Please know I not judging you . . . And please please be assured everyone of us have driven ourselves crazy trying to answer WHY?

    You need to stop blaming yourself for your difficult child's addiction and misdeeds. More importantly, you need to stop blaming your husband.

    I know you feel the need to blame someone or something. I've been there. It's a natural tendency- if we can find some one or something to blame- the we can figure out how to fix our difficult child. And because we are loving moms - and we are so certain that our love is what stands between our difficult child and utter peril - we don't or WON'T blame our difficult child.

    We're not doing them any favors by refusing to place the responsibility for their actions (aka blame) squarely on our difficult children where it belongs.

    I have quick prayer that I've been known to say over and over again when things are ramping up in our family: "dear Lord, please let us remember to turn TO each other and not ON each other."

    Nothing you or your husband did or didn't do caused your difficult child's issues. Only your difficult child is responsible for the outcomes of the choices he made.

    You don't need to judge your son for his choices. At the same time you need to stop judging & blaming your husband for his own issues, his upbringing and/or his step parenting. Maybe your marriage has legitimate issues - and your difficult child is not to blame for them. Likewise, your marriage/husband should not be blamed for your difficult child's issues. You are holding yourself and especially your husband under a magnifying glass. No one & no marriage can survive that kind of intense magnification.

    I can "hear" your turmoil in your posts. You are biting off way too much. Please try to deal with only the issue at hand and stop churning all of the other things. You will make yourself sick- and you have a baby girl who needs you. This situation with difficult child isn't going away anytime soon. It's a marathon; not a sprint. You need to pace yourself. Counseling will help.

    I am so sorry you are hurting so. It won't always be this bad. I promise.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I wanted to say, I am sorry you are hurting. I can't even imagine the pain of having my son in the position of yours. But like everyone else, I do know one thing: You are not to blame. Sadly, your son's choices alone have led him to this place.

    My husband has worked in our state's department of corrections for 22 years. He's now a correctional case manager at a low-security prison; the type where the people who are sentenced to short time (under 3 years) or are transferred in from a higher security prison because they have only a couple years left on their sentence. I can't tell from your posts where you live, but I do know that most, if not all, prison systems in the US have drug and alcohol treatment programs. Sometimes successfully completing these programs will result in a shorter stay or earlier parole date. They also have educational programs and "life-skills" type programs. My husband's current job is teaching offenders how to find work and doing video resumes for them. He's told me many, many inmates are there because of drugs and that he's been told by several, "I did this to myself. I had a good family and could have done anything, but I made the wrong choices."

    Your son is facing very serious charges. Again, I can only speak to my state (Missouri) but felony charges, which these sound like, usually result in state prison time. Usually only misdemeanor sentences are housed in the county jail facilities. The sentence could be lengthy, or not, depending on a number of factors. It's just impossible to tell at this early stage.

    All you can do is provide emotional support as you are able. It is in the hands of the state now. Please try not to make yourself crazy asking "why?" or "what could I have done?" or "who is to blame?". Try to remember, this is not the end of his life, just part of the journey. He can get help even in prison, if he chooses to, and come out with a decent life still ahead of him.
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  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry. Your difficult child had may chances and sadly he didn't take them. With a $100,000 bond the charges must be serious. Are all the charges related to the same offense? I don't know where you live but many places are now starting to treat crimes commited because of drugs differently. Many places now have drug courts and first time offenders may be able to go through that program. They realize that drugs are the problem and they require the person to undergo treatment, recovery programs.

    Do you know what level felony that charges are? Did they recover the property? Does he have any priors? You can try to contact the prosecutor and tell him your son has a drug problem and needs treatment. Whether that will help or not all depends on what the climate is in your area, whether they realize so many crimes are related to drug addiction and without treatment you can't solve the problem and whether they have drug programs available. We are lucky because our area has drug programs that the courts refer many first time offenders to.

    I tell you all of this but whether you should or should not interfere is up to you. Personally I don't think trying to get information into the right hands to get your son help is interfering but if it causes you more worry or to involve yourself more than that it probably is not a good idea.
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  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    With all due respect to Nancy, I was once a defense attorney - 20+ years ago. I'm out of practice and really, can't give you legal advice - simply not my field anymore, but I would not advise you to contact the prosecuting attorney yourself. Your son will have an attorney; if you aren't paying for a private attorney, the court should assign a Public Defender. That should be done fairly quickly. If you choose to be involved, contact THAT person with your concerns and let them talk to the prosecutor. Only if you feel your son's attorney is completely dropping the ball should you contact the prosecution yourself. Please remember that anything you say to the police or the prosecution, even if you think it is helpful to your son, might actually be brought up against him somehow in court.

    I understand that many people have little to no faith in the legal system and especially in Public Defenders. Generally they are newer attorneys and very overworked, but they (usually...ever person is different) really want to do the best thing for their clients. So any help you can give them will be a good thing.

    There are always exceptions, of course. If your son is having a lot of mental or physical problems and you feel he needs treatment right away...and there isn't an attorney on his case all means, do what you need to get him help. But in my opinion, it's generally the right call to stick to talking with the people on the defense side, not the prosecution side.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You have gotten some great advice here.... I agree with contacting your sons attorney and bringing up the drug problem ( I also agree with Lil, contact his attorney not the prosecutor). I also agree with Nancy that many places have drug courts and/or programs and him getting help for his drug addiction can only help his case.

    It does sound, given the bond amount, that the charges are very serious. This is not your fault.... and to be honest I would not believe your sons spin on the situation. It is often easier to blame the buddy than to take responsibility himself. He did whatever he did, he got himself into the situation and I dont think it is helpful for you (or him) to blame his buddy whoever he is.

    And I totally agree with Sig on the issues in your marriage. Yes your husband has some issues, yes they may have made things hard on your son, but at this point your son is an adult and needs to take responsibilty for his own actions. In a sense the why doesnt really is what it is. He made the choices and did whatever acts he did to get into this kind of trouble. Your husband did not make him do it..... and you didnt either!!! Your son needs to figure this out for himself.

    I really do understand and sympathize with the pain you are in. My son has been in jail 3 times, and will face time if he violates probation again..... which may very well happen. I hate it when he is in jail, but as COM said from my point of view jail is much better than the streets.


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  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    One thing we tend to forget when we are worrying about the consequences our grown kids have (my daughter was sued and owed $14,000 once for a driving accident that was her fault), that our kids have victims who they hurt. And they have mothers too...and other loved ones. Drug addiction hurts other people. Drug addicts, according to my daughter who was one, try to encourage others to use drugs and, if they are starting to experiment, try to encourage them to use stronger, more dangerous drugs. Some of these people could be minors. Drug addicts don't have a conscience while they are using drugs. They also steal from innocent people, including family, to supplement their addiction. And they assault people and that is plenty serious. The person in the car, driving normally, while my daughter was driving under the influence was her victim. 36 has many victims, including family.

    So while we feel for our kids and some parents try to save them jail/prison...their victim is probably hoping they don't get out because until they are sober (and some of our difficult children aren't that nice even while sober), they can hurt others again. It is not useful or even true to blame "the other guy" when our grown adult children behave in a criminal manner. Nobody makes them do anything. They choose to hang around with criminals and criminals commit crimes and they know that, if they are with them, crimes are going to happen. My daughter was sitting in a car (confirmed by police) when her "friends" robbed a liquor store and she was damned lucky she did or said the things that made the cop who busted them go soft on her. She was a minor and a pretty girl...maybe that was it. The others all did time. I asked my daughter after she quit if she knew they were going to do the robbery, since she is now honest. She said she didn't know, but she DID know that they were up to something and she was excited and wanted to be in on it and that she knew dang well that the people were always doing bad things. Our adult children are not stupid. They know.

    Thought I'd put a word in for the victims of our difficult children because my two extreme PCs were victims of a crazed psycho foster/adopted child and both were sexually abused for a few years by him. Long story, most know it. Some people thought hubby and I were horrible to throw him out of our house. I will never be sorry. The county charged him with sexual assault of a minor when he was only thirteen because the kids were six years younger than him. I'm sorry that he was so damaged he can't live in a family, but I can not bring myself to feel sorry for him even these many years later.

    It took me years and years not to point fingers at "the other guy." Especially with 36, my first child, he spent his entire childhood victimizing others and having me march to school or to other parent's homes, etc. to defend him and blame THEM. Yeah, I was bad that way. I didn't want to admit I had a differentlywired-in-a-bad-way child. I loved him so much. I couldn't face it. It was like physically being slapped over and over again and I would not stare the truth in the face. He had been at it for so long by the time he was 25 that I was numb by then, so I do get it. And I'm sorry for anyone else who has to have this experience.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    With all due respect Lil my husband is a criminal defense attorney who has cases all over the country and he just advised a friend of ours to do this last week and in fact he did it for our daufghter as her dad, not as her attorney. And in fact worriedmom's son's attorney would not be able to ask the prosector for drug treatment because that is not in his client's best interest. The only one that could ask for this is family or the client himself. Further he told our friend that if he were to get into the case his first priority would be to get the lightest sentence possible and not fight for drug treatment.

    Of course worriedmom you have to do what you feel is right and not what anyone else suggests. Please do NOT take what I said as legal advice.
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2014
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    A lot depends on the attorney..... when my son was in jail the first time we talked to his attorney, told him about the drug issues and he talked with my son and gave him his options and was able to get a continued without a finding if he went to rehab.... which my son did. Of course when he blew that it all came back and bit him big time so then he was able to get him a suspended sentance if he went into drug court.... which my son is still having trouble doing what he needs to, so now a couple of years later he may still have to do the sentance!!!

    But my point is the lawyers will give options to the client, and if the client wants rehab and is willing then he may be able to get that instead of time. True they are going to work for what the client wants, not what the parents want.

    And in this case I think the charges are a whole lot more serious than what my son was invovled in and given the bail set I doubt the prosecutors would agree to rehab instead of time.... but it might help.

    And WM - I do think most prisons have drug treatment programs of some kind.


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  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Like I said, not my field anymore and hasn't been 20 years so no offense taken...although I can't imagine how drug treatment is not in a client's best interest. In my day I certainly saw defendants go into treatment when out on bail in order to look good to the prosecutor or to get probation with treatment as a condition. Of course, there were no drug courts back then.

    The plain fact is, everything varies from State to State and attorney to attorney and court to court and case to case. Start with talking to your son's attorney. See if he thinks talking to the prosecutor is a good idea.

    I wish you the best of luck.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I probably should have said the attorney's first obligation to his client to do everything in his power to challenge the evidence and exhonerate his client. We had hired an attorney at one point for our difficult child, it was a law school colleague of husband's. He talked to the three of us, and then just me and husband and then difficult child alone. He made it clear to us that his obligation was to difficult child and not us. He listened to what we wanted but said he would have to decide whether that was possible. difficult child ended up in detention for three days. The attorney was very closed about how that went down but we suspected he spoke with the prosecutor and worked it out. husband told me later that would not have been done if we had not been friends because his obligation was to difficult child and not what we thought was right for her. If our difficult child had not had an attorney we would have talked to the prosecutor ourselves but then we were willing to accept the consequences. We were trying to save difficult child's life.

    It would be wonderful if drug treatment was offered to everyone who entered the penal system since it is the root of many crimes. Not possible, not enough treatment options, money, support for such a thing. Many prisons have drug programs in jail but that is not in lieu of a sentence. That's why I asked the questions about the level of felony. If the charges are such that some can be dropped or amended and if it his first offense then first offender program may be an option.

    So yes worriedmom, if he does have an attorney you can ask to speak with him/her and get their advice. In the end I would have spoken to anyone to help my difficult child.
  20. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    I had a dream last night, my son and I were in it. We were in our yard with him listening to K-Love ( Christian radio ) for the East Coast anyway. The dream was brief but I woke up not being able to go back to sleep.

    I want to thank all of you for your input on my sons case. Lil, you are right..this is not the end of his life but I fear it will take a huge chunk out of it. There were 3 robberies ( incidents) but 8 people (teenagers ) pressing charges..there is a list of serious charges with the worse ones being Aggravated assaults and some are simple assaults. This is a nightmare!...that I can't wake up from.

    Nancy, you asked about the level of the charges. They are horrible... conspiracy, bodily threats, of course there were the robbery charges which were all their cellphones. There were weapons involved...horrendous I know. They were arrested at the mall where there is a Kiosk that exchanges cell phones for cash. His buddy" was given more charges as he not only resisted arrest but punched a cop and tried to get away. I guess my son learned from the charge in another county that one thing you don't do when caught is resist arrest. It was even in our local newspaper that my son was "easily" placed in the police car.
    Is it terrible that my son won't have his own private attorney? He has been appointed a Public Defender but we live in such a Huge city I can never reach him. In fact he may not see him until the day before the hearing. My husband says no lawyer can come against anything when there were witnesses at the scene. So would hiring an attorney for him would be like throwing money into the river.
    Knowing my son, I think he will throw himself at the mercy of the judge. Although this "buddy" was making threats on his life, on my life as well...I doubt my son would even bring it up. I know he will tell the judge he was on drugs but not to use it as a defense but just so the judge knows he was not in his right mind. I mean...I think it wouldn't hurt him any...or am I wrong? Is it possible the judge would take into consideration that my son never had any drug counseling? was never in a rehab? My son never even admitted that he had a problem till now.

    I was planning on seeing him last night when he called at the last minute and asked me not to come. I don't know if something or someone scared him or what. My friend ( the same one up the street ) said that when she was locked up years ago she remembers that whenever someone visits you have to get naked and body searched so maybe my son didn't realize this? I don't know. I asked him if his older sister and I could visit tonight and he said tonight is fine. His older sister (age 24) is calmer about this entire fact the night I got the message on my voice mail that he had been arraigned already with bail set a $100,000 I was hysterical, called her on her cell phone crying through the phone when right away she says " don't cry mom, he put himself there". She lives an hour away but wanted to see her brother. She told me last night that the worse part of going to a state Prison is that these young kids are in there with grown their 40's and 50's. I watched a TV show last night that had a kid just 14 years old sent to a state 26 now the judge denied his parole.

    I've taken all of your advice and I realize I must stop blaming my husband, or myself. I'm sure my son feels regret beyond anything and probably terrified of his future, I know I am.

    ****Nancy, the charges in the other 2 counties are all drug related, possession and 1 DUI, resisting arrest. I've yet to even step into a courtroom with any of these arrests.

    This last arrest has no drug charges but all are about the robberies of 3 incidents within 1 hour. All the cell phones were returned to the kids...I just wish they didn't actually hurt 2 of the teenagers. It maybe that his "buddy" did the aggravated assaults but my son will still be charged with the simple assaults. Again, with so many witnesses coming forward would it help if we got him a hired attorney?
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2014
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