Prison bail set at $100,000

[Scott_G]

Nancy is right, it's entirely possible that the public defender won't meet him until Court. I was a public defender for a year, right out of law school. I usually met my clients the first time sometime after the initial appearance and preliminary hearing. I won't lie. I plea bargained virtually every case. There's a LOT of that.
A private attorney would have more time to focus on your son's case. But you may find it to be very, very expensive.

I got arrested on some minor charges in college back in the early 80's. Being a broke college student and being over 18 I did not want my parents to know that I had been arrested, so I decided to face the consequences on my own. I figured that there was no way I could afford a real attroney so I went the public defender route. I did not meet my public defender until the day of my pre-trial hearing. I went to the court and sat on a bench outside the courtroom and waited. The public defender came out and called my name. We sat down together and he told me he talked to the prosecuter and reached a deal of 6 months probation if I plead no contest. In hindsight I really wish I hired a private attorney. Considering it was misdemenaor charges AND my first offense, I think six months probation was a bit severe. A private attorney would have certainly been able to get the charges continued witout a finding.

If your son truly is guilty and there are witnesses, no attorney public or private is going to get him out of trouble. What a good private attorney will be able to do is minimize the consequenes better than a public defender would. BUT, as a parent of an adult, I would not be spending money on an attorney for my child. And as I tell my wife very often, when you "help" him, all you are really doing is shielding him from the consequences of his actions. If they don't feel some real pain, they will never be motivated to change because the message they get will be that they can do whatever they want and mom and dad will be there to pick up the pieces. And they will keep doing this at 30, and 40, and 50, and 60, and you will go to your grave bailing your child out of problem after problem. So yes, a private attorney will do a much better job for your son than an overworked, inexperienced public defender, but your son did the crime, and if he can't afford to hire a real lawyer, that's on him, not you. I would not contribute once red cent to his legal costs. If he can't afford a lawyer, let him take whatever plea bargain the public defender can get him.

As far as his "buddy", well, life is about choices, and one of those choices is who you choose to associate with. If you choose to associate with criminals, you WILL eventually be caught up in their crimes. There were two times my son was in some serious trouble as a teen. These incidents all involved a group of his friends. In a both cases he was a participant and not an instagator, but it doesn't matter to the law, you are guilty by association. One case was a road rage incident that turned into an assault. My son wasn't the driver. It wasn't his car, he didn't even have his drivers license, so he couldn't possibly. He was a passenger and the driver decided to escalate the incident and our son went along as a willing participant.

 

[dstc_99]

in my humble opinion I would get the car so you dont have to pay any more fines. But I would hold the car keys until he paid me back for the fines. If you have to park the car at a place difficult child wont know to look that way it wont be sitting in the drive and be a constant bone of contention.

 

[Scott_G]

My husband says we can't come up with a lawyer but I think we could swing for one for the preliminary.... though he says he's not giving me a dime for it. He's so cruel, but I don't want to get into a discussion about my hubby.

No, your husband is correct. Your son is an ADULT. He created this mess, and he alone is responsible for dealing with it. I wouldn't do it either, ESPECIALLY if I had to borrow the money to pay for his lawyer. One of us went to court every time our son got arrested as a minor because we were required to by law. As an adult, we have had absolutely nothing to do with any of his legal troubles. Luckily nothing serious enough to land him in prison-yet. He has had two charges in the past year. The latest was an assault charge that could land him in jail. I told my wife not to even think about giving him any financial help at all to deal with this. He wanted a ride to one of his court appearances because he does not have a car. My wife said she would do it but she is afraid to drive in the city. She asked me, and the only help I was willing to give was to get the bus schedule for him and told him what buses he needed to take to get to the courthouse on time. A big part of being an adult is being responsible for the decisions you make.

I truly feel that men and women approach this type of situation differently and I owe it to the strength of the maternal bond. Us men don't have that with our kids. Things I read around here from the mostly female members seem to confirm my suspicions. As a man, I think it is often easier to step back and remove ourselves from the situation and see things as they really are. As a woman, I think you tend to see the little boy/girl and not the monsters they have become. Your mommy instinct is to resuce, even if they are 40 years old, they are still your babies. With my wife (and others as well I am sure) I know there is also an aspect of guilt that despite the fact that they may be in their 20's or older, that somehow something we did as parents led them to where they are today and that it is our obligation as parents to fix these problems. Unfortunately this difference in outlooks can ruin marriages. Our son just turned 32 and he is a heroin addict. He started behaving badly when he was 15. That's nearly 20 years that (mostly) my wife has spent trying to "fix" him and "rescue" him. While I openly admit to being sucked into this vortex from time to time, I see my wife as a co-dependent enabler. If you asked her, she would tell it differently. When he turned 18 my tolerance for his crap really started to drop. Now we are at the point where our marriage may be heading for divorce, and while there are other problems with our marriage, the issues with our son is what is really driving the wedge between us. I am fed up, sick and tired, and detached to the point where I want my son completely out of my life. My wife on the other hand, continues to enable, even going so far as giving him some significant sums of money behind my back and lying to me about it.

It certainly does seem cruel to turn our backs on our adult children, especially when they are sick and seem to need help the most. But actually it is more cruel to enable them. If we always treat them like they are 15, for the rest of their lives they will act like they are 15 even if they are 30 or 40. It is not helping. It is enabling, and enabling allows one to continue the destructive behaviors indefinitely. Let's say you and your husband were able to come up with the money to hire the best criminal defense lawyer in the entire country. Let's say that this high profile defense lawyer was able to get your sons charges completely dropped. Do you honestly believe that a close call will be enough to scare him straight? I don't. Because in my experience, and I am sure many here could back me up-that's not how the difficult child mind works. It simply teaches them that you are there for them to use. They know how to push the right buttons. They are master manipulators and they don't care who they hurt in the process. If you constantly try to fix things, you are robbing them of the opportunity to grow up by learning how to deal with the consequences of their actions.

 

[BusynMember]

I wouldn't do it either if my child had victimized others. He isn't a little boy or a baby anymore. I wouldn't even feel sorry for my child. Sick, probably, at who my child was (I have felt sick over 36), but pity? No. The people he threatened may have PTSD over this. The only way he'll learn that he can't hurt others or even terrify others (if he didn't touch them) is severe consequences. If he gets away with this or it goes light, my guess is he will just escalate, believing you'll get him out of anything he does. This isn't just drug abuse that he needs to kick. This was him perpetrating on others.

I think your husband is right too.

I do feel badly for your mommy heart. Nobody wants our children to turn out to be this way. But we can't control them. We don't have to help them continue it though and in my opinion, trying hard to get them out of serious criminal activities is the same as helping them stay the same.

It's a new perspective for you, but please...think of those he harmed. If he had done that pipe bit to me, I'd still be fighting the terror and would go to court to get your son put away. If this were my son who'd done this, I would not help him at all, since I'd feel that would only make him think it wasn't such a bad thing he did and that he could get off. That is often how difficult children think.

Were his tears for his victims...or for himself? My 36 usually sheds ears only for himself and doesn't think about his victims. He often denies there ARE victims. I am sorry for you...you didn't cause this, but your husband is not, in my opinion, cruel. He is being realistic and you are not ready to face who your son has become. It is sometimes a long process. Sadly, one day we can no longer sugarcoat it even to ourselves if it keeps up.

I wish you tons of luck because your son is tearing everyone in your family apart...you are allowing him to do this. And I want your life to be a good life in spite of him. It can happen, if you want it badly enough. Without meaning ANY disrespect, because it's hard to see our children as not good people, I do think it is YOU who is not seeing this straight. I am really sad for you. This is not easy.

 

[susiestar]

I don't know if a private attorney would help or not. I cannot give legal advice because I have not been in your shoes. I know my parents provided an attorney when my bro got into legal trouble but they also insisted on rehab and if he got into trouble again he was on his own. Would they have stuck wtih it? I doubt it. Would a pub defender have gotten the same result? Very likely because in our area the pub defenders all have private practices and are also assigned PD clients because we don't have a real public defender's office. The same attorney may have a PD client and a paying client in court on the same day as it is whomever is practicing in the area and is next on the list who is assigned the next PD client. I am sure there are differences in how many hours they put in for each client based on the case and the fees, but they MUST give at least decent service to the PD clients or the judges have fits because they know that the lawyer can do better. I know it happens because I know a few local lawyers and because I have heard the judges have harsh words to an attorney with a PD client who was not doing even a credible job.

I know your son is your child, but he is an adult in the eyes of the law and he will be treated as one. Generally the state prisons have a LOT more to offer than the county jails do in terms of programs and opportunities. I know a lot of people who have said that it is far better to be in the prison than the jail because you have more to do. You have more options for sub abuse treatment, for work, for other types of therapy and for hobbies/recreation. Of course it isn't where anyone really wants to be, but you can do more in a prison. If you have any influence over your son, urge him to see if they offer either Choice Therapy or Reality Therapy there. It is an amazing program taught worldwide. My stepMIL travels all over the world teaching staff and inmates how to run the program and they have incredible results. I will PM you with more details on this.

Whatever happens, NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. I don't care what your difficult child, your husband, your codependent heart or the man on the moon says. You are NOT the one who did the crime. Your son is an adult, he made the CHOICE, and he has to deal with the consequences. OF course let him know you love him still, that you always will, but don't allow him to blame you or anyone else. You did your very best with him, and that is ALL that anyone can ask of you. Not one time EVER did you wake up and ask yourself, "How bad can I mess up my kid today?". Not. One. Time. So don't blame yourself or let anyone else blame you for difficult child's actions and their consequences.

(((((hugs))))) I am sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[Scott_G]

NO ONE ELSE is to blame for the behavior of an adult of sound mind. NO ONE. I don't care if you were the worst parent in the world and beat your kids every day and extinguished lit cigars on their arms every night while you got drunk. We alone are responsible for how we deal with the adversity that life throws at us. There are plenty of people who came from horrible upbringings or who have suffered some terrible tragedy in their lives and have gone on to live normal, productive lives. If your adult child CHOOSES to act out because you were a terrible parent, that's on them, not you. They can grow strong despite the terrible childhood they had, or they can sit around feeling sorry for themsleves and engage in destructive behavior. You can't control the hand that life deals you, but you and you alone have to choose how to play those cards. However, I expect in many difficult child cases, the blame game is little more than an act and their childhoods, while maybe not storybook perfect, weren't all that bad. They are master manipulators and while we lay awake at night worrying about them, they have no problem hurting us to get what they want. They know that things like guilt trips and threats of suicide work because we give in to them. They don't give a second thought to hurting our feelings if it will get them what they want. They also have no problem lying to us (telling us what we want to hear) to get what they want. After dealing with my son and his nonsense for so long, I am starting to beleive that a lot of difficult children really are just not good people. They are selfish, narcissistic, and sociopathic. Any "goodness" or "niceness" we percieve is all an act-a means to an end for them. I also don't believe that it is just the drugs or alcohol making them this way. Substance abuse is a big factor, but plenty of teens and young adults go through a phase of experimenting with drugs and alcohol without turing into criminals and losers who will spend the rest of their lives either in jail, on the street, or crashing on their parents couch. Different wiring is the only way I can rationalize their behavior. They are not "rational" like us, because they are not wired like us. They don't believe the rules of society apply to them. Even as adults, they think they should be able to do whatever they want whenever they want, and they really want someone else to support their lifestyle. In my younger days I did my share of better living through chemistry. But at the end of the day I knew that I needed to grow up and could not party all day every day. I hate working. I hate having to go to a job every day. I hate corporate culture. I hate long hours. I hate having to do what I am told. But I realize, I guess I always realized, that I HAVE to provide for myself, and providing for myself means doing things that I don't want to do in order to keep a roof over my head. Making sacrifices to provide a good home for my wife and children. Not partying at times because I need the money to pay for things I or my family needs. Sure there is time for fun, but responsibility is a big part of adult life, and often that means responsibility to others. difficult children on the other hand are different. They are selfish to the point of self destruction. They do not care what anyone else needs or wants. Heck, they even put their own wants instead of their needs (for example buying drugs with the rent money). They do what they want when they want and have no guilt over the hurt they cause others.

 

[Woriedmom]

Thank you all for caring,listening and trying to get through to my thick skull that this isn't my fault or anyone's fault...just my sons fault. but 100% his fault?...
What about contributing to the way my son became? The first thing my son said to me when I sat down with him and tears were exchanged was " you know this is ( mr.meany step-dad) faults right"?
Right then and there I got sucked in again, to feeling the guilt. I began to blame myself for marrying the man in the first place. I mean...if I hadn't of married him my son wouldn't have started smoking weed in the first place to escape he needed an escape from his mean step father...and if he didn't start smoking weed he wouldn't of done these awful things.

I'm not getting him lawyers for the marijuana charges in the 2 other counties. But right now he is facing REAL Prison time...God help him if it ends up to be 5 years or more. Even 3 would be horrifying. I do agree he should pay for what he did, I mean no one forced him to participate in the robberies and assaults,etc. but I honestly don't think he should do more than 2 years maximum. He was high as a kite at the time ...not even in his right might. Angry at his step-Dad repeating himself like a nuthead ( to himself in his own world) before leaving out the door. "If you don't like me now ...wait till I marry your mom". It was on the verge of "Insanity". So ..out he went like a raging bull.
Oh God...why did he have to do these horrendous crimes? someone could've been killed. Guess he figured better someone else than himself, the other guy made death threats to my son. My son should've gone to the Police, why didn't I advise him the correct way to approach this whole ordeal.Isn't that what good parents do for their children?

Let me just say a bit of my husbands past...his own Dad beat him when he was little. And ever since he has been this mean man. I thought he was sweet because when I married him he was but that was only to me. I should've been smarter than to marry a mean man who is absolutely unreasonable to talk to. I'm not the only one who feels this way...any body who comes in his path he has something negative to say about.
Once when he ran the recovery house he lived in he was always having arguments with the men, he even put a guy in a seizure once. He is has an awful temper and well...I do blame myself for marrying him in the first place. He was never a father to my son, never. Jealous of him I'd say, he should've known when he married me he married he whole package. He even had problems with my older daughter at first , I know she was glad when the college accepted her, she moved on campus and is now happy.
Hubby comes in with a frown on his face every time he comes home from work..( even now that my son is in Prison...)....complain,complain,complain..it's all he ever does. He is very sweet to our little girl and that's about it. So this is a little bit about my husband ( the control freak ).

I feel just awful describing the monster, he has his moments here and there where he isn't acting cruel but it's rare. With or without my son I don't know if our marriage will make it. Actually I take that back..."with God all things are possible"

 

[donna723]

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this and I know how frightened and confused you must be by all of this. I am no expert, not an attorney, but I did work in a close security state prison for 24 years so I am very familiar with "the system".

To clear up one thing, your son is not in "prison", he is in jail. A jail is run by a city or county and people are held there before they go to trial. If they are found guilty of relatively minor state charges and sentenced to a very short time, like 11/29, they MAY do the time in the same city or county jail, with the State reimbursing the city or county for their keep. Any longer and they are usually sent on to a time-building State prison. Most states have "reception centers" that they go to first. They are evaluated, given medical, dental, and psychiatric exams, and will be assigned a security classification determined by the severity of their charges. State prisons are classified by their security level, from Minimum up to Maximum Security, and where he will be sent from there is determined by what security level he is.

And believe me or not, he will be much better off doing time in a State prison than in a county jail! In the jails, it varies widely and is up to the whims of the local authorities. In jails, they usually have nothing to do and boredom is a constant. They rub shoulders with whoever has been dragged in off the streets and usually medical care is at a premium. And visiting rules for the family are usually stricter at a jail than at a real prison. A time-building State institution is a whole different thing. Most are a lot like a tiny little town. Not that it's a picnic there and it's very closely regulated, but most have a school, library, recreation, religious services, an on-site medical and dental clinic, etc. And he will be assigned a counselor. Inmates are also assigned jobs within the prison so boredom is kept down and they earn a little spending money. The institution where I worked had inmate staffed factories that manufactured wood and metal furniture, traffic signs, etc. "Time-building" means that inmates earn sentence credits for working and for following the rules and this can take a considerable amount of time off their sentence. The really violent inmates are kept segregated from the others. Best thing he can do if he ends up here is just to follow the rules and keep a low profile and he should be OK. What I'm trying to say is that if he does go to a State prison for a while, he won't enjoy it (he's not supposed to!) but it's not the end of the world and he will probably be a lot happier and better off there than in a county jail! The State prisons are very highly regulated and constantly inspected and probably not as bad as you're thinking.

And I know it's shocking to you and to him, but the invasive searches and lack of privacy you describe are pretty much standard in correctional facilities. Being incarcerated means you have no privacy and not much of your dignity left. You're told what to do and when to do it, you're told when to go to bed, when to get up, when to eat, when to shower, etc. etc. You give up those freedoms when you're incarcerated. It's not pleasant but then it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be a place that they're not anxious to return to once they're out.

 

[BusynMember]

Again...your husband did not do the crime. At this point in time, he is not the monster. He did not cause this. I am puzzled that you would b lame somebody that didn't even know him until he was fourteen. How could he be a father to your son if he came at that age and your son was already a handful? Why can't you blame your son for who he is? That's an important step for both you and your son. You both need to acknowledge that HE is to blame or he'll never get better. He'll also do things and say it's somebody else's fault then go begging you for rescuing. It's dangerous to let him blame your husband for something HE did.

Lots of us had crappy parents. My parents were both horrible and I was told much worse than what your husband said to your son. Listen...words don't make anyone do anything. Have you ever read "A Child Called It?" by Dave Pelzer? Third worst abuse case ever in California? He is now, after serving our country, going around the country counseling abused kids. Being abused, and your son had some of that as did I, does not make anyone a criminal. It is a good excuse. Your husband didn't do it though. Your son did. It is nobody's fault but his own. 100%. Just like if you held a pipe up to another women it would be your fault 100%, even if somebody had said something nasty to you before you left the house. I strongly suggest reading "A Child Called It."

It does your son no good to keep blaming yourself and your husband. He is old enough to choose how to behave. And he is choosing poorly. And he could be like Dave Pelzer rather than being in jail, sitting on prison time, but he didn't choose to be better than that...he chose the easy way. And now he feels sorry for himself. Maybe he'll hate it there so much that it will never happen again.

One of my kid's birthfathers is chronically in/out of jail because of his robbery and drug addiction. Is it not his fault he holds up a gun because he's high? I think he is right where he belongs. I sure wouildn't want him as a neighbor. Your son has come to a crossroad. Maybe you should say to him, "I'll get you a lawyer, but ONLY if you commit to every resource you can while in jail...rehab, counseling, twellve step, church, going to school...and if you get into trouble or you stop trying to help yourself, I will pull t he attorney." It's time, in my opinion, to get tough with this young man or he could become a lifetime criminal like my child's birthfather. His first offense was armed robbery and he was higher than the sun and he's still in and out of jail with no job and often no home. He has burned that bridge. Believe it or not, you could get to that point if it gets bad enough. Do you want this to be your son's first time in jail/prison or his last time? How is making him think it's not his fault going to make this his last time? Believe it or not, a lot of our kids are not afraid of jail or prison. But they do call us to complain and to ask us for money so they can buy things. Is that what you want? To make your son's assault charges all about your husband?

Your daughter did not turn into a criminal. She decided not to. How embarassed she must be for having a brother who is in jail on the charges he has. HER I feel sorry for.

We all care about you, but your son needs to turn it around or this could be his life forever. Please stop making excuses for him. It will not help him. I care a lot about you, but am finding it hard to feel sorry for your son. He knew this would lead to jail/prison and anyone knows you have no privacy in jail/prison. I hope he changes while he is doing his time. It does happen. (((Hugs)))

 

[Woriedmom]

But Donna , are all state prisons like that?

 

[donna723]

Pretty much, yes. Most people got their knowledge of prisons from old Jimmy Cagney movies and it's simply not like that now. There's all kinds of federal and state regulations now on standards and how prisons are administered. Most all of them are clean, well supervised and well run. The food isn't luxurious but it's decent and adequate. If he keeps a low profile, follows the rules, and doesn't do anything stupid like running up debts to other inmates, he should be OK.

 

[pasajes4]

Your son pulls the bad step daddy made me do it card because he knows how you feel about the man. You are being manipulated. I will guarantee you that his tears are for himself not his victims. My son's tears were for himself. How could friends mom turn me in. I thought she liked me.

I pulled some hair brained stunts in my youth. I could easily have spent time in jail for some of them. I could have blamed my alcoholic abusive father or my hateful mother, but in the end, I made those decisions.

Please stop being yanked around by your selfish, drug taking, could careless, about you, son. I know it sounds harsh, WM- it is a harsh pill to swallow when we see our kids for what they have chosen to become.

That doesn't mean that he can't be the man you want him to be. That will be up to him.

 

[toughlovin]

Many thoughts running through my head on this thread. i will try to sort them out.

First in the end it doesnt matter really what led your son to do the things he did. It was still his own choices that got him where he is. That is one thing that I have come to, it doesnt do me any good to look back and think what if, only if etc etc etc. What is important is the here and now and he is an adult and got himself where he is. You did not do this to him, he did it himself. You need to let go of all this guilt, it is not doing you any good.

Some here have said they would not feel sorry for their son if they did these things... I get what they are saying but I have been where you are.... and no matter what as a mother, when you see your child really hurting, no matter how old or what they have done it hurts. It feels like a hole in your heart... I understand that because that is how I feel at times when I have seen my son in a really bad way. How he got there doesnt matter I still feel bad for my son who is hurting.

However given their history and their substance abuse you cant fix it, you have to just let yourself feel it, let it wash over you and then find ways to go on with your life. There have been times when I have had to give myself permission to really feel the sadness for a little bit and then say to myself, ok stop, time to get up and do something for me!!

I really appreciate Scott separating out moms and dads point of view. That is very useful I think. In reality i think a good balance between the two views is important for our kids. On the one hand difficult children need to be responsible and held accountable for their own actions, and on the other hand they need to be loved in spite of their choices. That balance is not always easy to find.

I know my husband and i react differently in some ways to the stuff with my difficult child. I do tend to feel bad for him, to miss the little boy he was, I am more likely to feel guilty. My husband compartamentalizes better than I do... however in actuality he is more easily manipulatied by my son. I am the one who is clearer on not enabling our difficult child.

I do think you need to stop blaming your husband for his reactions to your son. I cant blame him for being fed up with your difficult child....you might be too if he wasnt your son!! I know there is no way I would put up with some of the shenanigans from my son if he wasnt my son.... and I would probably have little patience for it if he was my step son. So I think you need to accept that your husband looks at this dffierently than you do, and hopefully he can recognize you look at it differently from him.

The comments about jail and prison are good too. In the state where I life we have state house of corrections which are for lessor crimes... (sentancing to 2.5 years or less). There is then the jail section of the HOC....which is for people who are waiting trial, or are there for violation of probation. That is where my son has been. The big disadvantage is there is not much in the way of programs there... it is really boring. Most of the time my son has been there he has been in the dorm section so he is with a bunch of other guys, rather than in a cell.... from his point of view he prefers that because at least it is company and people to play cards with.

And as awful as it seems they do figure out the system and what the unwritten rules are.

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[GuideMe]

Please, don't fall into the guilt trap. This is your one and only chance to let him really feel the pain of his consequences and you can ruin that by showing any type of guilt. Don't blow your one and only chance to actually save him from a life time of this. It's not fair to him. If you enable him, you are basically teasing him because when you pull back because of your husband, you leave him there stranded. Prison is the easy part, and he probably won't get as much time as you think he will. It's when he gets out of Prison is when it will be the hard part. He will have to abide by his parole rules, get a job, do no drugs, curfews that are strongly enforced (he has to be home when the PO calls) and living on parole is so much harder than living on probation. If I were you, I would just take a break from all this, let the chips fall where they may ( maybe get him a lawyer and let the lawyer handle it so this will it will relieve any guilt that you may have.). I would save my energy for the really hard part and that's when he gets out. That's when he will really need you if he wants to do well. I am not a criminal but the one time I was arrested, I had to do probation for six months and man let me tell you, that was HARD and I don't do any illegal activities, but still it was HARD! I really feel that he will not do as much time as you think you will. I really can't press upon you enough that it's when he gets out of jail is when the real hard work begins. Save your energy for then.

 

[Woriedmom]

Is it possible that I can go and meet with his public Defender? I do have his name, but would I be allowed to speak to him on his busy schedule? I mean, this isn't a case where you can just take 5 minutes to peek at before a preliminary. There are 8 cases. Eight people were basically robbed etc. and ALL are pressing charges.

Of course his preliminary is scheduled for this Wednesday so there isn't much time, has anyone ever heard of a public defender asking the judge for more time to review the case?

 

[Woriedmom]

Robbery -inflict serious Bodily Injury, Conspiracy, theft by unlawful taking -moveable prep ,Receiving stolen Property, poss instrument of Crime with-intent ,Terrorist Threats with- intent to Terrorize, another simple assault, recklessly Endangering Another Person, and 2 counts of Aggravated Assault. This was coming from each person pressing charges.

I don't know how many charges are true or will actually stick...but here they are.

 

[Woriedmom]

Some of these charges he shares with the "co-defendant", but they are horrid. The other guy has serious assault charges from his past, and the other guy was on probation. I don't know how my son got himself hooked up with this grud but in any case, should my son show the threats on his phone that this other guy made to him? I don't want my son getting killed.

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry I am late her but Lil gave you a lot of good legal info. Is it possible to sell his car and expensive clothes and hire a lawyer? You can callt he public defender but quite honestly he probably doesn't even know anything about the case yet. If you do hire an attorney he can appear Wednesday and ask for a continuance, he does not need to know all the details right now, just enough to go to the hearing and get a continuance.

You are safe talking here but would be careful talking to the prosecutor or detectives so that you don't give them information they could use against him. When I originally suggested talking to the prosecutor I had no idea of the extent of the crime and others involved. I thought it was strictly a non violent crime committed because of drugs and the goal was to get him into treatment in lieu of jail. You have explained further and there is no way you should talk to the prosecutor as this is a complicated case, the conversation needs to be between the attorney and prosecutor. It would be best of you could someone get a private attorney because he can listen to the details and be able to use it in pleading. I doubt whether the public defender will even want to hear all of those details and just try for the easiest deal he can get.

My heart is breaking for you and I can hear the fear and worry in your comments. What mom would not feel the same way watching their son in jail. I also agree with Donna and he will survive the experience. I am more worried about you right now. Remember he chose to hang with these other people and he committed the crime, no one forced him to. This is not the end of the world and he can turn his life around. In a way he is in treatment, he is not using drugs.

Have you found a support group? I would love to see you get strong enough to decide whether you want to stay in this marriage and to be at peace with whatever your son's court outcome is. I'm sending hugs of support.

 

[Lil]

What about contributing to the way my son became? The first thing my son said to me when I sat down with him and tears were exchanged was " you know this is ( mr.meany step-dad) faults right"?
Right then and there I got sucked in again, to feeling the guilt. I began to blame myself for marrying the man in the first place. I mean...if I hadn't of married him my son wouldn't have started smoking weed in the first place to escape he needed an escape from his mean step father...and if he didn't start smoking weed he wouldn't of done these awful things.

Two words...B.S. I'm sorry that's harsh, but I think if my son said that to me I'd be in jail too...cause I'd have smacked him right there in the visiting room.

Your husband did not make your son do drugs or commit crimes. He could have turned to studies, won scholarships, gone to college, taken up sports, gotten a job, turned to God. He could have done anything other than drugs. Unless your husband literally put the drugs in his hand...and from what you've said it was the opposite - he's been there/done that and warned your son not to - he is NOT to blame. I don't care how mean and rude and nasty and critical he has been. I understand the desire to blame someone besides your son. Every time my son did something awful, my impulse was to blame myself and my husband. Maybe we were too strict? Maybe we were too lax. Maybe we paid too much attention to each other and didn't pay enough to my son? Maybe I didn't play enough games with him? Maybe I should have taken him to Disney World....we always said we were going to take him digging for diamonds in Arkansas and we didn't!!! Maybe that's why he smokes pot! Yes. I actually have thought that he'd be different if we took him to dig for diamonds. I fully expect everyone reading this statement to roll their eyes. My biggest guilt is that he takes so much after his biological father, my first husband, who he never even saw after the age of 5. Who I knew was an alcoholic, lazy and generally prone to blame the world instead of himself. But if I hadn't married him...my son wouldn't exist at all. Genetics may play a part...but he has my genes too darnit! He didn't have to go down the path he is.


As others have said...THIS IS 100% HIS FAULT. Even if he was threatened...he had the choice to go to the police! And lets not forget that he got involved with this guy in the first place!!!

You can nitpick ever second of his upbringing, blame yourself, be miserable, ruin your marriage...or you can realize that even if how he was raised had some bearing on this - it's done! You can change nothing that has happened in the past. Guilt is counterproductive. It robs you of the ability to look forward.


Well...this is interesting. I was talking to my husband about this...he's worked in dept. of corrections for 22 years. He's currently a correctional case worker in a minimum security prison and has worked in the maximum security prison too. He's actually joining up right now just because he wants to say something from his experience.

 

[Woriedmom]

I'm.on my tiny cell again, so please forgive the punctuation errors . I just want everyone to know that you all give me so much support . Lil and.Nancy, thank you.for understanding and the others as well Donna you have calmed me down some. I think my greatest concern with my son in Prison is that he is.a target for.rape. he is a very handsome young man he.use to workout lifting weights and now I..fear this. Lil what does your husband say to this? anything to calm my nerves would help greatly.