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General Parenting
Proactive assertiveness instead of reactive aggressiveness or passive aggressiveness
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 614141" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Tiredmommy: Yes, making those responses to others more conscious could help also that. If you consider it a skill; 'play nice with others under conflict situations' it could be something our kids could find worthwhile. After all, most of them kind of want to get along with others (if only everyone would just behave like they want them to behave <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" />) My text did maybe not make it clear, but also submitting (both with holding grudge and without) and 'letting it go' are categorized as different responses with different feelings, thought processes and actions attached. For my difficult child the proactive assertiveness is the most difficult one (and he doesn't much show proactive aggressiveness so that they are not paying much attention, because it is certainly not a goal) and one they work most with. But with different kids the goal behaviours can of course be different. But I just find the whole concept of making these kinds of responses to cognitive ones and not just gut reactions very worthwhile.</p><p></p><p>Aimless: For my difficult child, when he was younger, there were lots of times when the sport seemed to be an only thing going for difficult child. And even in that the actual performance part, being a team member has always been, and still is, a struggle. His PTSD is also, for a big part, because of something that happen inside the team. But his passion for his sport has often been the last straw we have had with motivating him and at times an only thing that seem to bring happiness for him so we couldn't really keep it as a bargaining chip, as much as we would had liked at times (you know, whole 'if you don't go to school, behave this or that way etc., you can't go to practises either' thing, tried that and it was a miserable failure.) But in the end I have found that it was much more valuable as a place and motivation to teach him skills he needs also in real world. He may not like that he has to come along with other guys at locker room, but because he knows he has to if he wants to achieve his sport goals, he is ready to work for it (even if it also means calling mommy and whining about it quite often, that I can take.)</p><p></p><p>Liahona: Cloning difficult child's sport psychiatric would really come in need. He is amazing. Very interesting and varied background (has some sport experience of his own, used to be ambitious career military, before the life stepped in and made it impossible for him and has some rather remarkable experience from those days and charisma to go with that, also his mother is a paediatric psychiatric and keeps Residential Treatment Center (RTC) type of thing so he has that insight to troubled kids etc.) He also has lots of varying life experience and knows how to use all that in how he works.</p><p></p><p>With difficult child at least it also helps that he is very manly man in both appearance and background. difficult child is still young and naive enough to buy lots of the macho culture he is surrounded with and I think he would have much more difficulties with working with a female sport psychiatric or guy he finds less manly. The credibility factor would just not be the same as it is with his sport psychiatric. With him it is easier for difficult child to admit his vulnerabilities, because if he says it is okay to have them and work with them, difficult child has easier time to believe it than if someone with less macho credibility would say the same thing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 614141, member: 14557"] Tiredmommy: Yes, making those responses to others more conscious could help also that. If you consider it a skill; 'play nice with others under conflict situations' it could be something our kids could find worthwhile. After all, most of them kind of want to get along with others (if only everyone would just behave like they want them to behave ;)) My text did maybe not make it clear, but also submitting (both with holding grudge and without) and 'letting it go' are categorized as different responses with different feelings, thought processes and actions attached. For my difficult child the proactive assertiveness is the most difficult one (and he doesn't much show proactive aggressiveness so that they are not paying much attention, because it is certainly not a goal) and one they work most with. But with different kids the goal behaviours can of course be different. But I just find the whole concept of making these kinds of responses to cognitive ones and not just gut reactions very worthwhile. Aimless: For my difficult child, when he was younger, there were lots of times when the sport seemed to be an only thing going for difficult child. And even in that the actual performance part, being a team member has always been, and still is, a struggle. His PTSD is also, for a big part, because of something that happen inside the team. But his passion for his sport has often been the last straw we have had with motivating him and at times an only thing that seem to bring happiness for him so we couldn't really keep it as a bargaining chip, as much as we would had liked at times (you know, whole 'if you don't go to school, behave this or that way etc., you can't go to practises either' thing, tried that and it was a miserable failure.) But in the end I have found that it was much more valuable as a place and motivation to teach him skills he needs also in real world. He may not like that he has to come along with other guys at locker room, but because he knows he has to if he wants to achieve his sport goals, he is ready to work for it (even if it also means calling mommy and whining about it quite often, that I can take.) Liahona: Cloning difficult child's sport psychiatric would really come in need. He is amazing. Very interesting and varied background (has some sport experience of his own, used to be ambitious career military, before the life stepped in and made it impossible for him and has some rather remarkable experience from those days and charisma to go with that, also his mother is a paediatric psychiatric and keeps Residential Treatment Center (RTC) type of thing so he has that insight to troubled kids etc.) He also has lots of varying life experience and knows how to use all that in how he works. With difficult child at least it also helps that he is very manly man in both appearance and background. difficult child is still young and naive enough to buy lots of the macho culture he is surrounded with and I think he would have much more difficulties with working with a female sport psychiatric or guy he finds less manly. The credibility factor would just not be the same as it is with his sport psychiatric. With him it is easier for difficult child to admit his vulnerabilities, because if he says it is okay to have them and work with them, difficult child has easier time to believe it than if someone with less macho credibility would say the same thing. [/QUOTE]
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