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Problems with 11 year old
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 267784" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>THis one screamed at me.</p><p></p><p>And I do NOT believe she is playing you guys. I think she is really in trouble.</p><p></p><p>When this happens to you, it is scary. We went through this with easy child 2/difficult child 2 and it terrified us because previously, she had been our chhild genius. She had tested as having an IQ of 145 at the age of 4, which we used to get her accelerated into school. She'd been driving me crazy at home, desperately searching for intellectual stimulation and had already exhausted all the possibilities of pre-school. They couldn't give her enough academically either.</p><p></p><p>For the first couple of years at school, she was unstoppable and it justified our actions. Then we began to notice increasing oddities. Maths was the first area of concern. Like you, we put it down to the teacher, who was openly disapproving of easy child 2/difficult child 2 being accelerated. So we began coaching her at home, mostly on the weekend because her school was such a long way from home, after school was not practical. husband & I are both university educated in science and maths, we can do this. But we noticed the same thing you are noticing - skills and knowledge we KNEW she previously had, were totally missing. We then took note - if we missed a weekend, she had absolutely no recollection we had ever covered that topic. But if we got onto it quickly in just on a week, she remembered having learnt it but couldn't remember how to do it. Once we showed her, she would pick it up quickly and get cracking to complete a number of tasks accurately and quickly. </p><p>So we tested this in the holidays - she would be a bit rusty after a 3 day interval, but still able to get back into the habitwith minimal help. A week - she would need a refresher course from us. Two weeks - we had to teacher her entirely, she insisted she had never done that topic before.</p><p></p><p>At the same time - yes, she was obsessive, especially about teddy bears and anything furry to touch. She was gifted with language, was an early reader but socially seemed to be regressing in maturity. She would socialise either with adults or with much younger children.</p><p>At the same time we had concerns about both our boys. The older one had a diagnosis of ADHD which never seemed to explain everything. The younger one we were beginning to think Asperger's maybe.</p><p></p><p>We finally got the kids all assessed at the same time. The diagnosis for easy child 2/difficult child 2 was borderline Asperger's plus ADD (inattentive type). She simply wasn't able to pay attention deep in her brain, at a deep enough level for the information to be laid down in long-term memory. She started on medications for ADHD (at a very low dose) and it was like magic. She brought her marks back up from almost failing, to top her class in school the following term.</p><p>However, we have found she can't stop her medications without us wanting to kill her, she seems so "blonde" off her medications! As she has gotten older, we've noticed the Aspie symptoms becoming more apparent. However, she is far too socially adept for a full Asperger's diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>It's very complex. Asperger's is difficult to diagnosis in girls because they can be so different. It's a new area, still very subjective.</p><p>If you are interested, go to <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a> and look for their online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) test. It's not diagnostic, it's not allowed to be, but you can print the results and take them with you to a doctor or specialist and ask for their professional opinion. </p><p></p><p>I love your handle, by the way. We're Family Guy fans here. Especially Stewie, and Brian.</p><p></p><p>Also, something else you need to bear in mind - your daughter's self-esteem is probably plummetting, and with you guys laying down the law it's only making her feel even worse about herself. She needs to feel she can talk to you about her fears, but at the moment you're part of them. Sorry.</p><p></p><p>Read "Explsoive CHild" by Ross Greene, it might help you get a feel for how she is thinking and a different way to handle her. She needs SOME computer time but I do feel you are on the right track there too (sorry to seem to be contradicting myself, I'm not really) - I tihnk she could be using the computer as a way to deflect her academic problems. IN other words, she could be manufacturing her own excuse for failure, byt making sure the computer time can be blamed. But at the same time, she is using it as recreation and distraction from her fears and distress over it all.</p><p></p><p>What she needs - she MUST learn to identify her academic problems and then turn and face them square on. It's something that few people ever master, but now she has a golden opportunity to learn, just as you have a golden opportuity to teach her (which means you must practice this too). She must see you and your wife confront any of your own obstacles, just as she needs to learn to do this also.</p><p></p><p>For example (from Maths) - "I find trigonometry a bit confusing, I'm stuck. I also need to learn about congruent triangles, I think I can understand tat a bit better. Oh well, there will only be three querstions on trig that I will just have to acccept I will get wrong, if I focus on learning everything else then I could slide through."</p><p>THAT is the wrong attitude. It's a triage attitude to education. Instead, she has to learn to ask for help with trigonometry and not to feel scared by it. It's scaryto do this - to ask for help with trig is to admit to having a problem and thereby open yourself up to ridicule or scolding. "Why didn't you tell me before, that you didn't understand? We just wasted the last four weeks in class!" </p><p>If the fear of ridicule or scolding is stopping her from opening up (even to herself) andadmitting she is struggling with a particular topic or subject, then she will be shrinking more into her own shell and this will show in other areas. Depression was mentioned by someone - definitely. And it only gets worse, much worse.</p><p></p><p>The cure - get help. Also, talk with her and teach her to face her fears, face her own feelings of inadequacy and in so doing, to turn them around. Of course she can't do it without help. And she also needs to know, it's probably NOT her fault. </p><p></p><p>She is entitled to help. She needs to know this, and to know that you are not going to be critical but instead you're going to help.</p><p></p><p>Not easy.</p><p></p><p>Stick aorund, get your wife to do so also.</p><p></p><p>welcome.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 267784, member: 1991"] THis one screamed at me. And I do NOT believe she is playing you guys. I think she is really in trouble. When this happens to you, it is scary. We went through this with easy child 2/difficult child 2 and it terrified us because previously, she had been our chhild genius. She had tested as having an IQ of 145 at the age of 4, which we used to get her accelerated into school. She'd been driving me crazy at home, desperately searching for intellectual stimulation and had already exhausted all the possibilities of pre-school. They couldn't give her enough academically either. For the first couple of years at school, she was unstoppable and it justified our actions. Then we began to notice increasing oddities. Maths was the first area of concern. Like you, we put it down to the teacher, who was openly disapproving of easy child 2/difficult child 2 being accelerated. So we began coaching her at home, mostly on the weekend because her school was such a long way from home, after school was not practical. husband & I are both university educated in science and maths, we can do this. But we noticed the same thing you are noticing - skills and knowledge we KNEW she previously had, were totally missing. We then took note - if we missed a weekend, she had absolutely no recollection we had ever covered that topic. But if we got onto it quickly in just on a week, she remembered having learnt it but couldn't remember how to do it. Once we showed her, she would pick it up quickly and get cracking to complete a number of tasks accurately and quickly. So we tested this in the holidays - she would be a bit rusty after a 3 day interval, but still able to get back into the habitwith minimal help. A week - she would need a refresher course from us. Two weeks - we had to teacher her entirely, she insisted she had never done that topic before. At the same time - yes, she was obsessive, especially about teddy bears and anything furry to touch. She was gifted with language, was an early reader but socially seemed to be regressing in maturity. She would socialise either with adults or with much younger children. At the same time we had concerns about both our boys. The older one had a diagnosis of ADHD which never seemed to explain everything. The younger one we were beginning to think Asperger's maybe. We finally got the kids all assessed at the same time. The diagnosis for easy child 2/difficult child 2 was borderline Asperger's plus ADD (inattentive type). She simply wasn't able to pay attention deep in her brain, at a deep enough level for the information to be laid down in long-term memory. She started on medications for ADHD (at a very low dose) and it was like magic. She brought her marks back up from almost failing, to top her class in school the following term. However, we have found she can't stop her medications without us wanting to kill her, she seems so "blonde" off her medications! As she has gotten older, we've noticed the Aspie symptoms becoming more apparent. However, she is far too socially adept for a full Asperger's diagnosis. It's very complex. Asperger's is difficult to diagnosis in girls because they can be so different. It's a new area, still very subjective. If you are interested, go to [url]www.childbrain.com[/url] and look for their online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) test. It's not diagnostic, it's not allowed to be, but you can print the results and take them with you to a doctor or specialist and ask for their professional opinion. I love your handle, by the way. We're Family Guy fans here. Especially Stewie, and Brian. Also, something else you need to bear in mind - your daughter's self-esteem is probably plummetting, and with you guys laying down the law it's only making her feel even worse about herself. She needs to feel she can talk to you about her fears, but at the moment you're part of them. Sorry. Read "Explsoive CHild" by Ross Greene, it might help you get a feel for how she is thinking and a different way to handle her. She needs SOME computer time but I do feel you are on the right track there too (sorry to seem to be contradicting myself, I'm not really) - I tihnk she could be using the computer as a way to deflect her academic problems. IN other words, she could be manufacturing her own excuse for failure, byt making sure the computer time can be blamed. But at the same time, she is using it as recreation and distraction from her fears and distress over it all. What she needs - she MUST learn to identify her academic problems and then turn and face them square on. It's something that few people ever master, but now she has a golden opportunity to learn, just as you have a golden opportuity to teach her (which means you must practice this too). She must see you and your wife confront any of your own obstacles, just as she needs to learn to do this also. For example (from Maths) - "I find trigonometry a bit confusing, I'm stuck. I also need to learn about congruent triangles, I think I can understand tat a bit better. Oh well, there will only be three querstions on trig that I will just have to acccept I will get wrong, if I focus on learning everything else then I could slide through." THAT is the wrong attitude. It's a triage attitude to education. Instead, she has to learn to ask for help with trigonometry and not to feel scared by it. It's scaryto do this - to ask for help with trig is to admit to having a problem and thereby open yourself up to ridicule or scolding. "Why didn't you tell me before, that you didn't understand? We just wasted the last four weeks in class!" If the fear of ridicule or scolding is stopping her from opening up (even to herself) andadmitting she is struggling with a particular topic or subject, then she will be shrinking more into her own shell and this will show in other areas. Depression was mentioned by someone - definitely. And it only gets worse, much worse. The cure - get help. Also, talk with her and teach her to face her fears, face her own feelings of inadequacy and in so doing, to turn them around. Of course she can't do it without help. And she also needs to know, it's probably NOT her fault. She is entitled to help. She needs to know this, and to know that you are not going to be critical but instead you're going to help. Not easy. Stick aorund, get your wife to do so also. welcome. Marg [/QUOTE]
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