psychiatrist appointment today cuz I'm losing it over small stuff .... or so I thought

[Mom2oddson]

In April I made an appointment with my psychiatrist because the littlest things make me want to go postal. If my bra doesn't hook on the first try, my blood pressure goes up. If it takes 3 tries.... I want to rip the thing into shreds. If the idiot I work with parks in my parking space (the one I've been parking in for 17 YEARS) I want to go after him with a baseball bat. I only drive on Fridays, You think he could remember to leave my space for me one day a week. Oh, but in true difficult child fashion...I forgot it was Friday....I didn't think you were coming in today...etc...

Anyways, I made the appointment in April and today was the first Friday available. Can only do Fridays cuz it's the only day that I'm not in the vanpool. So, checked to see how long it's been since my last appointment. It's been 15 months. Well, nothings been going on in my life so I haven't gone for a while.....hmmmm turns out to be not quite right.

While looking back over the last 15 months so I can catch psychiatrist up...turns out, I've been going through a lot of stuff. (the following is just a recap of all the things... it is long so feel free to skip it)

Feb 2011 - had to put Mason down.
April 2011 - Ant is getting his act together and has a job.
May 2011- easy child says he's not coming home for the summer.
June 2011 - Ant wants husband to cosign for a car. I don't want to. husband goes behind my back and has my Dad help cosign.
June 2011 - I start having heart problems.
June 2011 - get to know the new/future sister in law (A) - we become good friends
July 2011 - Nuclear heart test - shows no problems.
Aug 2011 - Ant is putting his head up his tush again - suspect drugs AGAIN...
Aug 2011 - Newest Nephew Elijah is born on my B-day. Still getting along well with A
Sept 2011 - easy child confesses that he had a serious drug problem all through high school and for the first 3 years of college. He's clean now.
Sept 2011 - In-laws kick Steph out - after father in law HITS Steph. She moves in with a friend.
Sept 2011 - we kick Ant out. Take back the car. turn off his phone after he goes off on me.
Oct 2011 - turns out Ant was several months behind on car payments
Oct 2011 - Steph starts coming around for visits.
Dec 2011 - Attend wedding for new sister in law. Host reception. Still close with them.
Dec 2011 - Aunt J is in the hosiptal for Christmas. Almost lost her. doctor doesn't know what is happening.
Dec 2011 - New Years Eve. - Aunt J in hospital for second time. It's a Thyroid Storm.
Dec 2011 - New years Eve. - A & T stayed over at In-laws. The start of them having nothing to do with us. Don't know what happened or why - but it's the 3rd sister in law that has disowned me. Oh well... her loss.
Jan 2012 - I end up in the hospital during a horrible snow/ice storm because of my heart...again. I tell the attending doctor about the last test that showed nothing wrong. She says, actually, is shows insignifcant damage to your heart. Ummm...Insignificant? It's my HEART!! There is no "insignificant" when it comes to my heart! Get to do another Nuclear test thingy. This time, while doing the stress part, the technician who is in school to because a full doctor asked the doctor questions about the bottom of the EKG showed anomallies. The doctor says "they are intermittent anomalities so we won't worry about them at this time". Again...this is MY HEART people!!
Jan 2012 - Aunt J's house burns to the ground. Miss Blossum moves in with us.
Feb 2012 - husband has lunch with mother in law to celebrate his B-day. husband tells mother in law off and feels better.
Feb 2012 - we go to spend the Gift card to Cabela's that mother in law gave husband. We end up getting Bella (names after Cabela's not Bella from Twilight)
Feb 2012 - Ant moves to Oregon to be with A and brother in law.
March 2012 - husband's wedding band is lost. It was a tiny band, but it was a family heirloom. It was my Great-Grandfathers for 50 years and my Dad wore it for 30 years.
April 2012 - we meet easy child's girlfriend. Annie starts losing weight. Steph moves back home.
May 6th - Grandma goes into the hospital
May 7th - Think Grandma has CDiff, Mom goes into the hospital. Drop car off for repairs so we can exchange it for easy child's truck.
May 8th - Steph and I end up very sick. husband picks up car, it's still broke.
May 9th - Mom comes home from Hosptial, easy child starts his road trip home.
May 10th - husband down with the bug, Grandma comes home from Hospital. Pick up car again. Still not fixed
May 11th - Return car to shop one last time. Ant comes home.
May 12th - celebrate Mom's day. Car is finally fixed - for only 2 grand. Ant disappears with loser friends after dinner.
May 13th - Take the motor cycle out for a day trip. Need practice for our 2 week vacation on the bike. The bike breaks on the way home. Now we need to change vacation plans. easy child and Ant head home.
May 14th - Steph starts getting disrespectful...being gone before I get home, not coming back until I'm in bed. This goes until a few days ago when we finally had it out and husband threatened to kick her out if she didn't straighten up.
May 19th - take Grandma out to give Mom and Dad time alone and Dad has his heart attack.
May 25th - schedule appointment to put Miss Annie down. She's failing to thrive.
May 26th - get notice that easy child has failed out of college. He's got an appeal to see if he can attend this fall. If not, he can go back in Spring but then he won't be graduating with his girlfriend.
Miscellaneous issues - Grumpas is depressed and slowly starving himself to death. Everytime husband & I get money in the savings acct for our vacation something comes up and takes it out. Prices here are so high, I can't make my ends meet - gas is $4.28 at the cheapest station. My roof is going, My deck is rotting, My fridge is dying.... having anxiety over being disowned by 3 SILs now. Wondering if there could be something wrong with me. Am I offensive? Do I do something that causes them to not like me? Are there others that feel like they want me out of their lives?

Today - I have psychiatrist appointment to discuss why I'm losing it over the littlest thing when everything is fine in my life. (denial issues?). Oh and I'm having some minor chest pains...but I think it could be anxiety issues right now.

So, here I am, thinking that my life has been stress free for over a year, looking back, it turns out not to be quite true. Maybe I've been so conditioned after all these years of difficult child stuff that I don't realize when stress is in my life?

I feel like I'm being a big cry-baby here. I know there is a long list of little things that have been happening. But there are others with so many bigger problems. I should be able to deal with this. And yet I'm Not. So, it makes me feel like a failure and a fraud.

Do any of you deal with these kind of feelings? and if so, how do you handle them?

If you actually read all of this...Thank you so much for your time! I appreciate having a place to go to vent about all of my issues. Thanks again.

 

[TeDo]

I think you just found the root of your problem. You're brain remembers all this stuff even if you consciously don't and it reacts the way it needs to to get your attention. It's been saying "HEY! I'm getting overwhelmed here! I don't know that I can handle much more! You gotta do something before I do something drastic!" I am glad you're finally going to the psychiatrist. All of us need a little help sometimes and that is one LONG, EVENTFUL list you have there. As for the heart issues, DON'T assume it's anxiety. It could be but PLEASE have it checked out. Are you really willing to take a chance? As you repeatedly put it "It's my HEART!" Have it checked out just to be safe. We'd hate for YOU do drop dead from a heart attack. Pleeeeeeeease!?!

 

[keista]

Maybe I've been so conditioned after all these years of difficult child stuff that I don't realize when stress is in my life?

Sounds about right to me.

Might also be something in the air. I've been quite the "witch with a b" lately myself. Life's 'normal' stresses just seem to be multiplying and becoming monumental.

 

[DammitJanet]

Mom2....I am one who also thinks my list is really seemingly minor compared to the parents in the trenches right now. I mean how can I as a parent with no small kids at home right now complain and vent because my house is a mess and I cant get anyone to help me clean it or do the dishes? Ya know? I feel like I sound like a whiny brat.

I also am having bad pain in my chest that is like cramping and it is making it hard for me to eat much at a time but I refuse to even consider going to a doctor because I know what kinds of tests they do for heart issues and I dont do invasive tests. I just figure its nothing. I have enough stress to cause GERD. Pepto is my new friend. LOL.

 

[susiestar]

Sweetie,

i say this with all the love in the world. DUMP SOME OF THESE RESPONSIBILITIES EVEN IF IT ANGERS OTHER PEOPLE.

ALLn the problems with your health are at least partly stress related. STRESS KILLS. If it does not kill you it will DESTROY your body. I am not talking migraines. I am talking stroke, heart attack, your body going all wonky with autoimmune stuff that has the docs scratching their heads and throwing medications at you to help with the symptoms.

I know that this can happen because it happened to ME. My body is TRASHED. I dealt with EVERYTHING for my family mostly on my own for decades. All the difficult child stuff, medication stuff with the kids, house, car, moves, cooking, homeroom mom, AND a lot of stuff with and for my parents, plus tons of drama from difficult child relatives esp gfgbro.

It is time to dump some of the problems on the other relatives and demand they deali wth them or the nasties that happen when they don't get dealt with. YOU are too important to have this happen. Work with a psychiatrist and therapist on strategies to unload and let adults deal with their own issues.

As for why these people suddenly don't like you or want you around? They KNOW you are a better, smarter stronger person and they KNOW that you see through their BS and they know that you know they are NOT living up to their ideals/statements/whatevers. You probably set some boundaries or refused to be their doormat or whipping post anymore and so they had to stop interacting with you and run you down to others and yourself and themselves or else they ahd to admit they were wrong AND change their ways.

(((((hugs)))))

PLEASE find a way to cut the stress. PLEASE. I am on my knees BEGGING you to do this and to take care of YOU even if others get upset.

 

[Hound dog]

Mom 2

(((hugs)))

I won't even make a such a list.............because it makes it overwhelming when I look at it like that. But I see why you did, it made you see that you had/have more stress in your life than you thought. You need to take some active steps to try to eliminate some of the stress. As susie pointed out, stress kills. As per the doctor on certain aspects of your tests results, I know it sounds alarming, but I'm guessing what they were seeing were either still within the realm of normal or not something to be alarmed about. I assure you, they take your heart as seriously as you do. When I heard "insignificant" damage after my heart attack (not to mention "mild" heart attack) I blew it off. I still do, probably more than I should. And my cardio yelled at me for it, as did fam doctor. lol So I try not to blow it off so much anymore and do what I can to reduce stress and eat healthy and exercise.

It took me a LONG time to realize that I didn't have to take the whole world's problems upon my shoulders. It took me even longer still to distance myself from certain people who caused me too much stress for good health (mental, physical, emotional)

Take care of you hon.

(((hugs)))

 

[AnnieO]

Hon - at first glance I'm amazed you have even held it together! All that stuff - just wow.

I'm with Susie* - please - say no to some of this stuff - please... You have too much going on. Your brain can only take so much.

More

 

[Mom2oddson]

Back from the psychiatrist...

She said the same thing as TeDo about my body saying enough. The fact that it took 3/4 of the appointment just to quickly go over the list showed that there is a lot in my life.

It took me a LONG time to realize that I didn't have to take the whole world's problems upon my shoulders. It took me even longer still to distance myself from certain people who caused me too much stress for good health (mental, physical, emotional)

Lisa - I thought I had been distancing myself. Guess I didn't have enough distance between me and some of the issues.

Keista - psychiatrist agreed that I've become so used to the stress with difficult children over the last 15 years that I don't see stress as stress anymore. We will be working on that.

Susiestar - Thank you for your concern. I am trying to step back. But it's so much easier to say than actually do - or to do well enough that it makes a difference. I'll be going back to psychiatrist once a week for a while to work on this.

Janet - YOU need to take care of YOU!! I need you around. If the Pepto isn't helping with the GERD, you might try Betaine HCI. It can be found at the health store. The doctor tried me on antacids to help with GERD. It made it worse. Then I was told that the same GERD symptoms for too much acid were the same ones for not enough acid. The Betaine HCI add acid to your tummy when you eat. It helped better than the antacids did.

Step - Thanks for the extra hugs. They mean a lot!

I have some breathing exercises and some mental destressing exercises to work on until my appointment next Friday.

 

[Star*]

M2odd -

I haven't read the others responses - but knowing them? They've given you great advice - I'm just going to give you my token thoughts.

First off - some people are going to look at your list and say "That's it? PFTHHHHT.....I can GIVE you a list!!" and others are going to look at that list and sit back and be in compete AWE of how you've managed to hang yourself together thus far. I'm not in either camp but for posterity sake? I want to make you aware of something that I see - that I did NOT see with your list. Of all the problems/stressors//traumatic events//you listed?? Whether they were self inflicted, non-controllable events or caused by outside entities? The only SOLUTION I saw you post was - Ant was behind on car payments and we took his car. That was it! I don't know that you can count loosing a pet and getting a new one as a solution - but With most of the other stressful situations you're probably sitting there going "OH YEAH STAR? Well how would YOU have handled MY Grandma Got Cdiff and my Aunts house burned to the ground and this and that and huh?" .........Well, I'm glad you asked, because Most days? I don't wear a bra. And I used to get peaved with "the pooper" for parking in MY SPOT - (remember?) I think we had this discussion about MY Parking spot. THAT isn't a weird thing, it's not an ODD thing - its not an OMG I'm a crazy lady thing. And I'll explain it too.

Okay so - you went through the trouble of remembering ALL the things that stressed you out. (shrug) Well - have you made the balance sheet for that list to get your life in the black of THINGS W IS GREATFUL FOR? A postive outlook so to speak in writing (as well) of the things that YOU personally have, that perhaps someone else does not - that make you happy, lucky, glad to be alive, thankful, appreciative? No? Haven't made that list yet? Why? (I'm waiting - deer in headlight look at you dear) Why? Because a lot of times when we're OVERWHELMED and DO NOT know how to process our grief, or our sorrow and tragedy in our life and rise above the din (as it were) we stuff those emotions. AND we stuff, and we stuff......and we stuff, stuff stuff. I mean at this point if your life were a build a bear? You'd have a Colossal sized nekkid bear - because they just don't sell outfits for a bear stuffed that large. And that is not HEALTHY.
DEALING with each tragedy or malady, or upset as it comes down the pike instead of pushing it somewhere and being the little orphan annie of the cosmos - ACTUALLY is healthy - and allows you to process the problem, get a grip on the day - and get a normal sized build a bear in your home. (or pony - personally I'd like to have a build a bear pony - but I just never get to go to the mall) - Not on my bucket list okay?
But YOU? Well - You have a chance here to turn it around, and figure it all out. And instead of doing it all backwards ? THIS is EXACTLY why I say to you all the time (and everyone else) SELF FIRST.
I'm not a selfish person.....I'm not a narcissistic person......But I am a ME FIRST person. I'm a giving person, I will do for OTHERS, and my family, and my community - and do it well - but......ME FIRST. WHY?
Because if I'm not well? I am of NO use to anyone - to do the things that I want to do. That WILL benefit them.

So we'll start with ------YOUR HEART.
You have heard from your doctor that the damage to your heart is minimal anomolies. MINIMAL,
What are you hearing here?
What is causing your stress?
There is no impending heart attack. You hare not suffering from CHF. You do not have heart wall damage. You have an otherwise strong heart. If the definition bothers you - call your doctor and say "Your definition has left me worrysome - can you please put into laymens terms for me to understand the definition of heart anomolies, so I can stop stressing out and causing myself undue stress?" Then ask questions pertinent to your fears. DEAL WITH THIS. Put your fears to rest - MOVE ON.
You seem to me like you'd do well with a flow chart system of answers -
Is my heart damage going to cause me future trouble? NO - End of conversation - MOVE ON - NO stress.
Is my heart damange going to cause me future Trouble? Yes - Move to next question
Can my heart damage cause me to have CHF in the future - No - move to next question Yes - Describe steps I can take to prevent further damage
Yes - Eat right, get checkups, see a heart specialist every six months.

It is my belief that your best bet here is going to be learning to deal with your problems AS THEY COME AT YOU on a DAILY basis. And learning HOW to confront PEOPLE who use you for a door mat. LEARN HOW TO SAY NO to people who take advantage of you.....when you really want to have a voice - so that you DO NOT get SO STRESSED OUT ? You feel like ripping your bra off - and shredding it or beating the guy at work with your antenna for parking on a spot of asphalt that is not yours.......

But I did say I'd explain that - didn't I? Okay - my theory. And how I got over it. My theory is - The parking spot isn't that he doesn't know it's yours. It's that in YOUR mind he should recognize that you park there every day and give you respect. When he parks wherever and sees that it's YOUR spot that you park in every day for years and years? It's disrespectful like he's sticking it to you, or trying to take YOUR space - and he's doing it on purpose. HE JUST HAS TO BE DOING IT ON PURPOSE. In my case? The pooper was doing it - I overheard him laughing about it - said he knew it jerked my chain. I politely asked him to not do it once in front of the boss - BECAUSE I didn't get all the other PERKS (free phone, free lunches, free computer, free gas card, free truck, allowed to bring his dog to work) like he did - so I just didn't think he'd begrudge me a simplistic thing like a parking spot since I had to run in and out more than anyone and if it rained - I was closest to the door after the owner. Owner agreed, but rolled his eyes - also a colossal butt. And in a mocking tone - said "Yeah don't park in HERrrrrr spot." Well okay - after that I found a spot about 100 yards from there and started parking there. I said I started parking THERE because I was using the exercise to start my exercise program because I din't want a big butt like either of them - (meaning owner and pooper) and that probably came from parking so close to the door and being lazy. No one parked in my spot after that. No one. I kept parking in the far away spot and eventually dropped 160 lbs, proved my point, gave up the "control" over the parking spot, and realized - it was never MINE to begin with, and he had no respect for HIMSELF because if he had when I mentioned it the first time? He would have apologized and said he was sorry - and parked elsewhere, NOT rolled his eyes - boss too. Problem solved.

I think you're going to enjoy the breathing exercises too. A really REALLY great exercise and stress management technique for when you are about to go postal on someone? Is to sit somewhere - chair, bench, toilet even - (hey it's private) with your hands at your side, inhale and hold your breath in, grab the bottom of the chair (or seat) with your fingers, and try to pull the seat up with all your might while you tense up EVERY single muscle you can in your body - and close your eyes - and hold that for about thirty seconds -or until you absolutely just can not breath. I mean tense up every single muscle in your BODY ------and then release....Do that about two or three times.....I promise you - you will relax......then sit there and just breath deep =don't try to stand up for about a minute after you do this - your muscles will be somewhat weak and you will find that your tension and anger are subsided - if not gone. It leavs you exhausted. If you have trouble sleeping - try this before you go to bed.

Deal with those things you can.........and then let them go....
Accept the things you can not.........and give them to God....
And learn to change the ones you can - and thank God for that ability and put it on your list of blessings.....

PERSPECTIVE, PERSPECTIVE, PERSEPECTIVE......remember that every day. When you find yourself doing stinkin-thinkin.........stop, listen hard for the lesson and the blessin......and move it forward in your life.
For the days you can't? Accept that it's okay to be human......accept that it's okay to have and ENTIRE day of being IMPERFECT and allow yourself the courtesty of at least one day a week where you mess things up all day long - but you learn from it. You're worth it. I know cause I love you very much.

Hugs -
Star
Anyway -