psychiatrist appointment undie resolution

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Aug 14, 2008.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child had a stomach ache and headache all day yesterday. He was hot but didn't have a fever. He was fine enough to ask me to make a homemade rice crust pizza and eat the whole thing, but when it came to actually leaving for the psychiatrist appointment he balked and said he was going to throw up. I told him he would have to throw up in my car, and that I would give him my arm and he could lean on me. I gave us 1/2 hr for a 15 min. drive ... barely made it. The only reason he got off the couch and got into the car was because I picked up the ph and threatened to called a neighbor to carry him to the car.

    difficult child pulled out all the stops on the way there. I was already stressed because of what he'd done, but having him berate me and scream at me the whole way really grated on my nerves. I never lost my cool. Warrior Mom! He told me I had no respect for him because he was sick and you don't drag sick people around in a car to appts., and that since we didn't love, like or respect one another, he should move out with-dad and I should move out with-easy child. On and on.

    husband was already waiting at the psychiatrist ofc. I gave him the bag with-the goodies. He went out to the car and persuaded difficult child to come in, on the premise that it would be a "guy talk." No Mom in the appointment. rm.

    I was not surprised. I wanted to make sure they covered the concept that sexual feelings are good, but that crossing other people's boundaries is not good.

    It took an entire hr. By that time, I had read the dr's new book [ame="http://www.amazon.com/What-Your-Explosive-Child-Trying/dp/0618700811/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1218708316&sr=1-1"]Amazon.com: What Your Explosive Child Is Trying to Tell You: Discovering the Pathway from Symptoms to Solutions: Douglas A. Riley: Books[/ame], and he gave an excellent description of the differences between anxiety explosions and oppositional explosions. (As luck would have it, my difficult child does both. :tongue:) I was able to see that difficult child's behavior in the car that day was driven by anxiety. (It still wore me out.)

    At 7 p.m. they called me in. They said they spent most of the time doing "guy talk" and that difficult child is going through a phase where he is distancing me but it's normal developmental stuff, just exaggerated because difficult child is a difficult child. The dr said that he will come back around by the time he's 16 or 17. That was good to know, because in the car I was wondering about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), since difficult child was doing all he could to tell me he was unlovable and he hated me too, so why not live apart? But that was just primarily a manifestation of his anxiety.

    The dr said there were some good sexually instructive, age appropriate books at B&N we could get for difficult child, and I told husband that he could do that, as well as buy appropriate underwear for difficult child so he could have the same physical sensations with-o getting caught in the locker rm and have someone make fun of him (or beat him up). I told them I had tried that a few mo's ago but I guess it didn't work because I'm just the mom, and difficult child said no, it was because they didn't fit. (He never told me that.) At any rate, I can only hope that is resolved to the extent it can be.

    He insisted he would never go into a complete stranger's house and he only went into S's house because he knew them. I told him he could be shot and killed ... he's getting as tall as an adult and someone else might not recognize him. He of course thought that was ridiculous but I had to express it to him in no uncertain terms.

    The dr wanted to know if there was anything else I wanted to cover, and I asked what we should do with-the panties. difficult child said "What do you want to do?" He was still mad at me and curled his lip while he spoke, and had that mean look in his eye. I told him I really wanted to return them but since I don't know where they came from, I don't have to information to do that, so I would just like them to go away.

    Dr. suggested he get a trash bag and difficult child load everything into it and throw it into the ofc trash outside, and difficult child was amenable to that. Sort of a ceremony. A type of closure. I liked that part.

    Meanwhile, everything had gotten to me, and I sensed that husband and psychiatrist were just chalking it up to "a guy thing," and I lost it. I mean, I started to cry and told the dr that with-all due respect, I thought that there was something else wrong with-difficult child and we were missing it. I wanted to take him for extensive testing.
    husband jumped all over that and told me I was just looking for the Flavor of the Week and it wouldn't resolve anything.

    I told him that I was exhausted from dealing with-one thing after another and not getting to the root of the problem. I thought difficult child may have Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and/or Asperger's.

    psychiatrist said that the problem is that difficult child had an intellect that is average and a maturity level that is way below average, and that while he showed signs and similiarities to Asperger's, he would never "make it" on a test. He will fall though; he's right on the cusp. So we have to call this a vague "Something" that he has and deal with-the behaviors.

    husband asked what I would do differently if difficult child was diagnosis'd an aspie, and I said, "Teach him and teach him and teach him."

    psychiatrist agreed wholeheartedly and said he needs to work on social skills and social stories. He said he disagrees that difficult child has a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) because the P means Pervasive, as in, never gets better. Over the yrs, it's clear that difficult child has made huge improvements. He's just very delalyed and very slow. But he has done it.
    I agree.

    psychiatrist also conceded that while he had no idea of the scientific explanation, and he hated to bring adoption into it (preferring to deal with-behavior in the here and now) he had to admit that he had seen an overwhelming amt of people whose adopted kids' issues were exaggerated on both ends of the spectrum. It was too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. So again, there's that "something" with-no name. But he wanted to acknowledge it.

    So I told them that the next half doz appts. could be difficult child and husband alone together. I'm pretty useless at this point, partly because Mom isn't relevant at this stage of difficult child's development, and partly because I just can't do this anymore.

    Meanwhile, difficult child was pacing back and forth in the pkng lot--I could see him through the window. We spent an hr past our time. I knew it would be longer but I never dreamed I'd be the one to make us go so far over our time limit.

    Our plan is for difficult child to earn back his trust from us. That means strict supervision. No playing at anyone's house for now. Playing outside is okay but he has to physically check in and come home to tell me what he's doing.
    That also means that I am burdened with-never being able to go out to lunch, etc. or take a spontaneous walk, because husband leaves his ofc during the lunch hr. to go to the gym. My plan is to drop off difficult child anyway and let husband worry about it. He's never lost one bit of sleep over my having to schedule my day.

    by the way, one of my main clients (I painted the ceiling of her sun room, and am now painting the tiles for her entire kitchen) called in tears yesterday because her contractor fell through and they prepaid $80,000, so I gave her the name of my lawyer. Another friend, for whom I was supposed to dog sit, is not taking his daughter to college in PA because they got into an argument, so he's staying home with-the dog.
    husband is driving to Difficult Child for a conference so I will be alone with-difficult child for the next 3 days.

    Still, I couldn't seem to hold it in, couldn't stop crying, and I told them that I was wiped out and didn't think I had to strength to cope anymore. This summer it was lighting fires. Then it was stealing panties from camp. Then it was taking the neighbor's Ipod. Then it was getting caught in the neighbor's closet. I said next wk it will be something else.
    It's like killing ants one by one instead of spraying the anthill. (Sorry for the crummy analogy.)

    I'm thinking that having difficult child live with-husband isn't such a bad idea.
    In the meantime, I'm going to fly up to MN to help out with-my dad, who has Alzheimer's. At least I know what I'm doing up there.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, I so feel your pain. Pervasive does not mean it never gets better. That's simply a lie. It means it affects his functioning now, and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) usually DOES get better, but not untreated. He is playing with semantics--he doesn't want to label him, BUT--no label, no services.

    The psychiatrist is clueless. Emotional immaturity is a HUGE HUGE HUGE symptom of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). And most have an IQ of average or above. I'm sorry you have to fight husband.

    If you can, I'd test him anyway. I can't believe any therapist would chalk this up to "a guy thing." Not that my boys are what ALL boys are like, but none of them ever did anything like steal underwear. EVER.
    I hope you can find a way to resolve this and that things get better for all of you. I really get angry when men are in denial--unfortunately it isn't uncommon.

    YOU are actually the one being the good parent. I'm sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. Indeed--do whatever you can to take care of yourself. YOU matter too.
     
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Apparently it's not uncommon to find doctors who disagree on the definition. I found this online:

    In regard to svcs, he's already in a private school, and other than the fact that the classes are accelerated, he is getting all of the following, which is the suggested educational route for PDDNOS kids:

    Education is the primary tool for treating PDDNOS. Many children with PDDNOS experience the greatest difficulty in school, where demands for attention and impulse control are virtual requirements for success. Behavioral difficulties can prevent some children from adapting to the classroom. However, with appropriate educational help, a child with PDDNOS can succeed in school.

    The most essential ingredient of a quality educational program is a knowledgeable teacher. Other elements of a quality educational program include:

    • structured, consistent, predictable classes with schedules and assignments posted and clearly explained;
    • information presented visually as well as verbally;
    • opportunities to interact with nondisabled peers who model appropriate language, social, and behavioral skills;
    • a focus on improving a child's communications skills using tools such as communication devices;
    • reduced class size and an appropriate seating arrangement to help the child with PDDNOS avoid distraction;
    • modified curriculum based on the particular child's strengths and weaknesses;
    • using a combination of positive behavioral supports and other educational interventions; and
    • frequent and adequate communication among teachers, parents, and the primary care clinician.
    Following are the attributes that stand out. I agree, my son does not have the speech affectation, the stare, lack of expressions, or other obvious traits of Asperger's. (And the dr did agree that he had some similiarities, but again, not the whole ball of wax.)

    Unusual Patterns of Behavior

    The unusual responses of children with PDDNOS to the environment take several forms.



    Resistance to change

    Many children are upset by changes in the familiar environment. Even a minor change of everyday routine may lead to tantrums. Some children line up toys or objects and become very distressed if these are disturbed. Efforts to teach new activities may be resisted.



    Ritualistic or compulsive behaviors

    Ritualistic or compulsive behaviors usually involve rigid routines (e.g., insistence on eating particular foods) or repetitive acts, such as hand flapping or finger mannerisms (e.g., twisting, flicking movements of hands and fingers carried out near the face). Some children develop preoccupations; they may spend a great deal of time memorizing weather information, state capitals, or birth dates of family members.



    Abnormal attachments and behaviors

    Some children develop intense attachments to odd objects, such as pipe cleaners, batteries, or film canisters. Some children may have a preoccupation with certain features of favored objects, such as their texture, taste, smell, or shape.



    Unusual responses to sensory experiences

    Many children may seem underresponsive or overresponsive to sensory stimuli. Thus, they may be suspected of being deaf or visually impaired. It is common for such young children to be referred for hearing and vision tests. Some children avoid gentle physical contact, yet react with pleasure to rough-and-tumble games. Some children carry food preferences to extremes, with favored foods eaten to excess. Some children limit their diet to a small selection, while others are hearty eaters who do not seem to know when they are full.


    Maybe we agree more than I think we do and I'm just too emotional to deal with-it right now.
     
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry,
    I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Verbal abuse from a difficult child is so wearing, it just keeps wearing you down. I'm sorry husband isn't more supportive and you must feel exhausted having to be with difficult child almost every moment. I agree with mwm about getting the testing done if you can.

    Sending the gentlest of hugs for your weary heart.
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.

    He starts school next wk. I emailed the teacher with-a heads-up and told her to keep an eye out in case he needs tutoring.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2008
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Terry, I'm glad to hear you survived the appointment- albeit, it sounds like quite an emotional drain on more than one front. My son has been going thru the developmental stage the psychiatric described to you for a couple of years now. I agree that it is harder and more exagerrated with a difficult child, even though I've never had a second son to compare it, too. Maybe that is why some of the things you described sounded so familiar to my son. One minute he seems to not need me and not want to hear anything I have to say, the next minute, he's talking like a little boy who needs his Mom again.

    Anyway, I agree with testing, too- but I still think I'd have it done as part of an MDE. I hope I'm not being offensive to anyone, but my concern is that maybe there's only been one professional opinion driving the treatment for way too long- and the professional is a psychologist (who normally look at things at mostly behavior centered). And, the fact that things don't seem to be improving, while your son is at the age where more things are apt to come out. If you had other people's opinion, it doesn't mean you would have to agree with them.

    I'm a little concerned about husband thinking another opinion would mean "the flavor of the month". I wonder if husband is just afraid of what he might hear.

    FWIW, we used "guy talk" as a way to get difficult child to open up to his indivfidual counselor last year. It worked- they seem to be perfectly comfortable spilling the beans if they think it's a guy thing!!!
     
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Terry, I'm sorry you had such a rough time. Your description of difficult child having a good appetite to eat, then complaining of feeling sick and having a headache and sore stomach - I think it's highly likely he was telling the truth. This is EXACTLY what we would go through with difficult child 3, over and over. He would be feeling too sick to go to school, but as soon as we made the call to keep him home he would be hungry. I'd mention school - he'd feel sick.

    The difference is, I was fairly sure difficult child 3 was not lying. That was my premise. But it was puzzling. And for me at that time, it was also possible that difficult child 3 was developing a conditioned response with school avoidance, so I made sure there was no positive payoff for being home from school - difficult child 3 had to do schoolwork, even if he was really sick. This was to prevent the attractiveness of not being at school.

    Complicating our picture - difficult child 3 WANTED to go to school, but didn't want to be sick because kids would make fun of him if he threw up at school. His teacher was insistent that difficult child 3 had something physically wrong, and that all the doctors were idiots when they said it was anxiety.

    So difficult child 3 was tested exhaustively for most of the school year, missing about 6 months in total. The pattern would be - I'd send him to school, he would immediately claim to feel sick and at school would generally throw up, often several times. The teacher said his face would change colour. But his aide also said he seemed to be trying to throw up.

    The pattern at home - I remember towards the end of the summer holidays difficult child 3 said to me, "I'm going to walk away from any bullies this year, I won't let them get to me." Within half an hour he had nausea.

    That was when it became clear, with no doubt, that this was purely anxiety, but anxiety so severe that he was physically ill.

    Since pulling him out of school difficult child 3 is much less anxious. For difficult child 3, school was a major reason for his anxiety. But he will get anxious in other situations. For example, on holidays in New Zealand last year, he had been worrying for months about us holidaying in a country which was so volcanically active. I made a point of telling him we would not stay overnight in Rotarua. Little did I know that we actually stayed overnight in a town which was even more volcanically active!
    The day we visited Rotarua, difficult child 3 was listless, pale, and feeling nauseous. The smell of sulphur was faint but evident. It wasn't unpleasant at all. But difficult child 3 was really feeling sick. He was interested in what we were looking at, but very difficult and clingy. I encouraged him to do his breathing exercises and reminded him that he was feeling sick because he was anxious. He said several times, "This is not anxiety, Mum. I'm really sick, something is really wrong. I wish you would believe me!"

    Next day we were away from Rotarua and he was better. He insisted he must have had a virus. He just couldn't believe that anxiety could cause such severe symptoms.

    Since then we've talked about it more and I think he now understands the connection. But it's taken a lot of work with him as well as constant work on his breathing exercises to reduce his anxiety.

    Your difficult child was in a very tight spot - you were taking him to the doctor, plus the evidence of his recent (and fairly major) crimes. He was going to be exposed, talked about, talked to, analysed, criticised, and he was, frankly, packing it. It would take a lot less than that to have difficult child 3 throwing up. And yet - difficult child 3 has ALWAYS been able to eat, even when feeling sick. In Rotarua, he ate a big lunch despite the smell of sulphur reminding him of the town's volcanic basis.

    The way your difficult child glared at you at the doctor's - in his mind, you had treated him callously by dragging him out when he felt so sick. I don't think he was faking. (And of course, you did what you had to do, and what I have done under similar circumstances).

    You said about the doctor, "He said he disagrees that difficult child has a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) because the P means Pervasive, as in, never gets better. Over the yrs, it's clear that difficult child has made huge improvements. He's just very delalyed and very slow. But he has done it."

    From my experience, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids ADAPT. They learn (as we all do) and work out how to function at their best. This isn't always as good as we'd sometimes wish, but then - sometimes it is. At the drama class last night one of the other parents said to me, "I see your difficult child 1 doing so well, holding down a job, about to get married, such a charming young man - and I have hope that my son will turn out as good."

    difficult child 1 still needs a lot more support than people realise, but he IS an amazing young man. So is difficult child 3. But it has been quite a struggle at times, still is. I've also had to change my thinking a lot.

    The year we searched for a cause for his "recurring stomach virus" was a year when I was very confused by events that just didn't seem to make sense. I'm not a stupid person (I don't think) but it took me most of the year to be able to come to any sensible conclusion.

    With difficult child 3's extreme anxiety, a number of things have helped.

    1) We've done our best to reduce the causes of his anxiety.
    In your difficult child's case, his own actions are a major factor in his anxiety. Not good, very hard to reduce that without being able to find a way to deal with the root cause. Why is he stealing/hoarding underwear? How can this be prevented? (understanding why would make it easier to "head him off at the pass").

    2) We've worked with therapist to help difficult child 3 with resources to recognise, and then work on, his own anxiety.
    This needs regular therapy specifically aimed at this.

    3) Medication has worked for difficult child 1's anxiety but unfortunately, doesn't seem to be an option for difficult child 3.

    4) Social stories, practice, role play and rehearsal as well as preparing him ahead of time, seem to be doing some good here also.

    Each year we see big improvements in what difficult child 3 can handle and how he handles it. People come up to us and congratulate us on how far he's progressing, how well he's doing. But a lot of this credit belongs with difficult child 3 - he is adapting. And as he gets confidence in his ability to adapt, the rate of adaptation increases. it snowballs positively.

    To a lot of people, difficult child 3 seems bright, eccentric maybe but otherwise normal. They haven't seen how far we've come.

    I hope you can find some ways to help your difficult child, as we've been able to with ours. But all we can ever do, is what we can do. We can't do the impossible. It's just that sometimes we never do know for sure just what is going to be possible.

    Marg
     
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Terry, just had another nagging thought- you said they mentioned yesterday "what would you do differently". psychiatrist used to say that to me, when difficult child's behavior changed from one wrong thing to another wrong thing. what I would do, and am doing, differently, is trying to find a different way to deal with it because they way we were approaching it did not solve the problem. The stealing went away, then it went to fire setting, then it went to going into other's property. My sincere concern for your son is that I see the pattern there of a doctor who says well, he quit doing that so let's keep things the way they are. But, your difficult child moves on to another illegal, socially unacceptable behavior, just like mine. That means something is going on witth him and this docs recommendations are not solving the underlying problem. My son has a crriminal record- the law in VA now is that felony offenses do NOT get expunged, even for juveniles. If the owner of the house had called police, your son would be facing this. Maybe the one conversation will stop the undie issue, but do you really believe his underlying issues (whatever they are) are resolved? I'm just concerned for him- I hope I'm not sounding critical of you because I know you want to pursue help for him. I just wish I could have/would have pushed for more than one opinion before my son ended up with a criminal record and suspended sentence to state dept of corrections.
     
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to offer hugs.

    I am impressed that the psychiatrist spent SO much time with all of you. Yes, it would probably be nice and helpful for you to have him tested. You could possibly get him more services, and help him understand the way his mind works a little more. For us, however, difficult child has been tested 3 times, and truthfully the only consistent thing that it reveals is the Non Verbal Learning Disorder. The NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) helps me understand why he is so AS in many ways, but yet does not fit the criteria completely, and sometimes I feel just as confused as you. He just seems to be a little bit of everything. Which after much thought is entirely possible. All of these types of things affect the frontal lobe, and although we want to make the brain an exact science, it is not.

    Then as difficult child started to go through puberty the bi-polar showed it's ugly head in classic form, and that has been more addressed than the other issues difficult child is faced with.

    Sorry your stress level is so high in all of this - mine would also be over the top too (well it usually is anyway). I always end up crying at stinking psychiatrists appts for difficult child :mad:
    Can husband take difficult child for a week or 2?
    What medications are being suggested?
     
  10. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Terry, what a difficult time you are having. I think puberty is like pouring gasoline on a small fire. It's explosive, intense and difficult to figure out how to put it out.

    As far as the "authority" which is psychiatrist, I think he was presenting what he thought was balanced opinion. He did a good job of not dismissing your concerns. The goal of course, is for him to look at difficult child and figure out what's going on and how to help him. The whole idea of treating the behavior even if we don't have an understanding of where it is coming from is what they tell us mom's when they don't have a clue. They have something to work on behavior but they have nothing in terms of cause.

    in my humble opinion, get a second opinion with the whole evaluation. What's wrong with a second opinion? other than it's threatening to those who tend to carry professional credentials. If your husband had something physically wrong and he got a lot of vague answers to questions you can bet your bottom dollar that he would research, get 2nd and 3 rd opinions before he let a professional intervene with surgery or toxic chemicals. Why is he tough on you for doing the same thing? His attitude will not cure difficult child. If he doesn't like your efforts then ask him what he would do and let husband figure out a plan and see if he gets better results and answers. The whole "flavor" of the week is thrown around a lot but its because we are all searching for answers to questions that weren't asked a generation ago. Although it may seem we are looking for causes, I think we are looking for answers and a direction to help the kids. It''s the only way our knowledge base will get larger. Asking questions is the way to research and knowledge for ourselves and for professionals. Don't let them pooh pooh you. Your approach is different than husband's and the psychiatric doctor. Doesn't make it wrong.

    My son also, doesn't fit a mold. He is very outgoing, gregarious, kind hearted and social. He makes eye contact and is sincere. Doesn't mean his "brain wrinkle" doesn't interfere with function and learning.


    "Following are the attributes that stand out. I agree, my son does not have the speech affectation, the stare, lack of expressions, or other obvious traits of Asperger's. (And the dr did agree that he had some similiarities, but again, not the whole ball of wax.)

    Unusual Patterns of Behavior

    The unusual responses of children with PDDNOS to the environment take several forms.



    Resistance to change

    Many children are upset by changes in the familiar environment. Even a minor change of everyday routine may lead to tantrums. Some children line up toys or objects and become very distressed if these are disturbed. Efforts to teach new activities may be resisted. My son has difficulty with change if he is not prepared or presented with time to make the change. If he is forewarned and prepared he does ok.



    Ritualistic or compulsive behaviors

    Ritualistic or compulsive behaviors usually involve rigid routines (e.g., insistence on eating particular foods) or repetitive acts, such as hand flapping or finger mannerisms (e.g., twisting, flicking movements of hands and fingers carried out near the face). Some children develop preoccupations; they may spend a great deal of time memorizing weather information, state capitals, or birth dates of family members. My son had minimal hand flapping but he has grown out of it since puberty but his biggest problem is no ritual or pattern. He is all over the map with routines. Big problem with normal morning hygiene or night time routines. His particular learning style seems to immerse himself in a topic and when done (weeks, months) then moves on. He doesn't keep an obsession or interest forever.



    Abnormal attachments and behaviors

    Some children develop intense attachments to odd objects, such as pipe cleaners, batteries, or film canisters. Some children may have a preoccupation with certain features of favored objects, such as their texture, taste, smell, or shape. Other than collecting gadgets(smoke machine, light that throws stars on the ceiling in the dark, etc) he doesn't really have an attachment that interferes with his life.



    Unusual responses to sensory experiences

    Many children may seem underresponsive or overresponsive to sensory stimuli. Thus, they may be suspected of being deaf or visually impaired. It is common for such young children to be referred for hearing and vision tests. Some children avoid gentle physical contact, yet react with pleasure to rough-and-tumble games. Some children carry food preferences to extremes, with favored foods eaten to excess. Some children limit their diet to a small selection, while others are hearty eaters who do not seem to know when they are full.If there is too much noise or several conversations, difficult child will get overwhelmed but has none of the other symptoms suggested.

    So we don't have what is typical but difficult child is unusual and overly friendly or intrusive with his involvement. I don't believe he is anything clear cut but AS with mood disorder is the closest they can come up with. Add his learning disabilities and his inability to master academics in a functional way and we have a guy who struggles to fit in.

    I suspect you will have a lot of frustrating days with difficult child but it's unfortunate that you have to be frustrated with husband and the professionals also.
    Ask yourself what is your goal for difficult child? What steps can you implement to get you there. Be ready to understand that you may not be able to fix everything and that difficult child is a kid under all the behaviors. Keep loving him and reinforcing that you aren't the bad guy here.
     
  11. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sorry Terry. You are going through so much right now and it seems as if difficult child, husband, and even the new psychiatrist are triangulating you. Breaking into someones's house cannot be chalked up to guy stuff. I think the constant supervision is essential but unfortunately that burden falls to you. I would get another opinion from someone who specializes in autism spectrum disorders. Any chane in finding an in home behavior therapist to help take some of the burden from you and let difficult child hear the things he needs to hear from an outside source as well? We found an intensive behavioral support worker through a county mental health agency and she is fabulous. She is very good at getting to the entitlement issues that cause my difficult child to act out and the respite for me has been a godsend. Good luck working through this.

    (((hugs)))
    christy
     
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry Terry. You sound so fatigued and it makes sense that you should be. I'm not getting the feeling that the visit with- the doctor brought much relief or hope. Do you think it helped your difficult child? I am keeping my fingers crossed it brought him some clarification/wisdom.

    I agree that a second opinion might be called for. Just because your son doesn't fit a specific definition of a disorder, doesn't mean there aren't aspects to it present or that he needs to be watched for it. In addition, it doesn't mean that medication might not be helpful or that behavior modification might not help. I really like the way you are taking it upon yourself to work with teachers to put a model in place to make sure he gets the services he needs...no matter what the diagnosis might be. I do wonder sometimes, if adopted children have such emotional issues trying to cope with their circumstances and how they relate in the world that it might be wise to avoid handing out a diagnosis prematurely. In addition, professionals have to be cautious that bias doesn't come into the picture...and that bias might very well be their own issue. I think esp. if he has not offered any ideas for possible medications or therapies to try (no change in number of appointments or techniques to use at home), I would get a second opinion.

    One more thing...although psychiatrists hate hearing this, husband and I got a lot of good ideas by seeing a really good social worker who worked as a family therapist. Her speciality: group/family dynamics. This woman was more willing to tell it like it is.
    I think if I had to do it again, I would try if at all possible, to have difficult child go to her therapist, but also go to a family therapist every couple of months. husband and I went alone (super helpful---can't recommend enough!). Later, we tried to get difficult child to go and it was a disaster. She was rude and uncooperative. We took easy child and it was great! We got the impression that difficult child was using her therapist as a sounding board too much and was missing the part of the equation that had to do with- how to get along with- others and this leads to how to survive in real life....appropriate behaviors with- peers...those in authority and the like.

    Ah...another thought....
    Our local children's hospital has a "group" for aspie kids. You might call to see if they have one or something similar. If they do, you can talk with- the psychiatrist about whether or not your son could go to at least check it out. Group work is often very helpful for children who are behaving in inapproriate ways.
     
    Lasted edited by : Aug 14, 2008
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry, the thought that entered my mind as I was reading this post was

    'I think Terry is taking the behavior personally'

    Are you? Really think about this. What your difficult child does is not against you. You can not take it on as personal. You did nothing to make him do what he is doing, he is not doing it to you.

    It took some time for me to not take my difficult children behavior personally. I watched her step-mom take it personally, too. She still does sometimes.

    It is not a reflection of you, or your parenting.
    It is not done to hurt you.
    It is not your fault.

    Have you ever felt like these things are on your shoulders? I did for a long time. I took on the weight of my difficult children actions like you would not believe.

    I may be all wrong here and I hope I am, because none of us should take our difficult children behavior personally. I hope my typing this out helps some lurkers, too!

    HUGS! And enjoy time at your father's!
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have to also chime in that Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified (atypical autism, which IS a form of autism) does NOT follow the guidelines for classical autism or Aspergers. My son is somewhere between Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified and Aspergers. He does not fit everything in the clinical diagnosis, but he still would be struggling as a teenager if he hadn't had school interventions. Education is NOT the key to helping Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Interventions usually done in school is the key issue. Good lord, some of these kids are Little Einsteins, but they can't figure out how to tie their shoes or they wear the shoes on their wrong feet (uncaring) or they don't mind smelling bad around their peers or they'll wear pink and purple clothes...they are more socially clueless than academically troubled in many cases. My son is finally "catching on to life" but he had A LOT of help--NONE of it by a psychologist. I don't find psychologists useful for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) nor do I feel they are good at diagnosing childhood disorders. That's NOT their field. They tend to think everything is a behavior problem and often insinuate that it's "bad parenting."
    husband needs to get off the pity-pot and in my opinion you need to go to a neuropsychologist for a different type of and more intensive evaluation.
    You go, girl! ;)
     
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I think BusyWend is onto something... you are clearly overwhelmed with difficult child and his issues -- who wouldn't be? Parenting a difficult child is exhausting work. But I think in order to preserve your own mental health, you need to look at trying to detach a bit from difficult child so that you are not run through the emotional wringer with his behaviors.

    I'm sending warm hugs your way and prayers for some respite and peace!
     
  16. Terry,

    I sorry the appointment was so stressful. Sometimes it is so hard. We as moms "know" something is different with our kids, that something is "off" and to have others say basically that we are full of it. I have gone through this with my difficult child. For a while, everyone was blaming all of his problems on his grief. I was insistent that it wasn't just all related to his grief. I believe that the loss of his father was a catalyst. Now his psychiatrist knows after months of working with difficult child that their is something deeper going on including onset of bipolar, which in the beginning when I brought it up was "no, I don't see it" now psychiatrist says "I really believe it is".

    On another note, Marg was talking about anxiety and school refusal. I went through this with my difficult child. It is amazing, difficult child would literally be sick to his stomach over it. It is a very physical reaction. He used to pace around the coffee table saying he knows he needs to go, but he can't, he would do this over and over again. After I would get him to school, he would end up sick to his stomach in the nurses office.

    I hope that your difficult child has a good start to the school year and that he has a teacher that will work with him.

    Hugs,
    Christy
     
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    BusyWend, I do think I am taking it too personally. I'm usually better at detaching but the last few days caught up with-me because difficult child was always around.

    I hate that I lost control at the dr's ofc. My only saving grace is that in all the yrs we've gone there, it's never happened b4 so the psychiatrist won't think I'm always like this. I just hate losing face.

    I typed my note here at 5:45 a.m., and then went back to bed until 11. I really needed it. Unfortunately, the dogs were not let out and guess what I stepped in?

    difficult child was a bit argumentative and pushy today. I told him we did not agree that he could not go to B's house, just other kids' houses (he nitpicks so well, I know he will be a lawyer!), then called husband to make sure, but he said it would probably be okay ... in the end I told difficult child I was not going to drive him so he got B's mom to pick him up!

    Well, this is a bit of a respite, anyway. difficult child followed me around all day, talking his head off (he's not normally that talkative but in the past cpl wks he's really started up) and I am exhausted.

    When C picked him up, difficult child gave me a huge bear hug and said thank you. It was hard not to cry. (I emailed her and told her to lock her bedrm door and put a password on her computer. She understood immediately.)

    What are my future hopes for him? Some day, I really think he will be a lawyer or lobbyist. He was a pit bull in another life. He never gives up.
    Then I think that a vo-tech might be okay, because he does not apply himself in school and it's so competetive.
    Then again he may go into sports and end up with-a scholarship. When he puts his mind to something, he's incredible.

    Definitely, he will live on his own. He is capable of it.

    And I want him to be happy.
     
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